Emotional spending-just told dh and I'm going to crack it.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

We're okay financially-I don't work but dh's income is fine. We have left ourselves fairly right after investing heavily in our house but still enough for food, basic clothes, children's activities like music lessons and sports.
There's not much left for little spends that we used to have like mags, meals out, clothes, books and I hadn't realised how much I spent for emotional reasons (bored, stressed, happy, you name it). Not vast sums but fairly frequent.

I've really struggled with cutting back and found ever more cunning ways to hide small spends from dh. But we've had a financial heart to heart today and I know it has to stop-we took out a loan to cover the last of the things we bought for the house and he hasn't paid off a card we agreed to and, as I suspected its because I overspend and he's worried to pay off the credit card til things are more sensible.

Anyway, I've given him my card (debit) and going to really, truly go cold turkey on this. We could go under for the sake of crap that I don't even want.

Anyone else? I feel really stupid but hope that now I've told dh I'll be more likely to succeed. And going to avoid shops like the plague. Just hoping I can put something in its place. It's like an addiction.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

sand welcome. Yeah, I hear you on that front. Separated from stbx, and he was abusive to the dcs, so I fear I'm doing a bit of overcompensating as well as just spending due to stress. I have been sitting in my overdraft for awhile, when I really need to buckle down and get out of it.

[sandinmyfood]

Hi Alice sorry for your situation Yes, I'm definitely overcompensating for dd too. XH not abusive, but let dd and me down very badly and has little contact now, so I just want to make things better for her. She'd just as happily play with an old toilet roll middle though!

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Welcome sand! I know it's easily said, but I feel that we have nothing to be ashamed of. No one lives in anyone else's life or head and I know very well that people have naturally differing spending patterns. My dad, for example, encouraged me to get a cashpoint card when I was 14, saying "you don't have to use it". I know myself better now, but cards and access to cash aren't easy for me to manage. And spending temptations are absolutely everywhere. So if we're fighting an urge to spend, however many blips there are, we're doing a good job, unrecognised by anyone who doesn't understand emotional spending.

Aargh! Back from hols and fighting hard against the urge to run away and buy stuff. Magazines mainly. Trying hard to be productive and tidy and unpack rather than sit in a corner and stress. I knew it would be like this and I've made huge strides while away.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Done it! First day back and bought essentials for lunches at tesco-just cheese, ham, cucumber and grapes. And I had a bag of chocolate buttons in my hand (half price!) then put them back. And unpacked most of bags properly and tidied a bit too. Feel more in control and less inclined to spend. How have your days been?

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Awful. More emotional upset though. Really struggling right now with it. Am determined that by Monday I will have everything under control again. Hopefully today, but I'm already feeling stressed. sigh.

Sometimes it would be easier to live life in a vacuum. Mine is definitely related to stress.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Stress is rubbish for spending. That moment of buying is all sorted and calm. Sorry it's still rubbish One foot in front of the other.

I def need some time in a vacuum. I'll rent the one next to yours. Promise I won't talk-but you wouldn't hear it anyway from the comfort of your vacuum!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

The sad thing is - talking about living in a vacuum only reminds me that my vacuum is actually broken and I need to buy another one!

hahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhhahaahahaa (that would be my maniacal laughter now... )

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Grrrrr! We've just had to fork out, after talking about it for two years, for new freezer drawers. At least I won't swear every time I shut it. And perversely, it'll help with my spending because I'll be more likely to use the stuff in the freezer. But I hate buying replacement stuff. How long til you'll be able to get new vacuum? Forget I mentioned it if you'd rather!

Tidied bedroom today and also had chat with dh about how, if this stopping spending thing is to work long term, we must allow ourselves small treats. He's able to cut out spending completely and not feel it, whereas cutting all spending altogether is going to implode at some point with me. I'm looking forward to a treat being that, a planned reward for working hard at lots of stuff and not a release or stress response. I hope it's possible. Felt less like buying stuff today and made a cake when friends came over. And did a supermarket trip without making up stuff I "need".

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I got the vacuum at Lakeland awhile ago, but it's finally kicked the bucket. It's actually a replacement for a prior one that died. I'd return it under their replacement policy, but last time I replaced something the woman on their customer service line initially said "well, don't you think you may have gotten your money's worth out of it and should just buy a new one?" which didn't seem to agree with their "no questions return policy" but okayyyyy.... Rather put me off buying from them for quite some time. Now I'm not sure whether I want to buy from them or not this time.

I hate buying vacuums - they can look really good and just not pick up well. Won't know until you get it home. grrrrrrrr

[sandinmyfood]

I, unfortunately for me, really like buying household appliances, and doing all the research on the Which? website first - I would love to be buying another vacuum, but already have two Mieles ( clearly only need one, but think they are brilliant btw)
I've managed a few days with no spending as my parents are staying and providing a great distraction, although the stresses of their visit puts my wallet a bit at risk when they go. I did a big Jojomamanbebe internet sale shop last week, hope it gets delivered when they are out with dd, or they will be very, very disapproving. Hmm I wonder whether my attitude to emotional spending might be related to this?
Thanks for the welcome, it is helping to share ...

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Ha. I paid early on a bill that's not actually due until later in the week. Good for spending habits, as I can't now. Not great if there's an emergency. Fingers crossed no emergencies, because at least it's prevented any stupid spending. (or fast vacuum purchases - I need to take the time to find the right one first rather than just buying one because I want to get it over with and bought)

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

sand - my spending is definitely related to emotional issues/stress. It's ALWAYS worse when I'm struggling with other things. I think it just developed as an escape from stress and became a coping mechanism. Now I just need to develop better coping mechanisms, as the stress is obviously not going anywhere.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I'm such an emotional spender-whatever the emotion. But I know there's an element of habit to it too. At the moment, I'm trying to crack the habit because it's a relatively unstressful time when dh is home for hols. But when he goes back, it all kicks off again and I'll need to have kicked the habit to avoid the stress spending. And it's opportunity too-I can't just dash off to the shops while dh at home.

I am doing better-before, I would make excuses, always be the supermarket shopper so I could get my spending fix. We have been to soft play today, but no food for the dc and we waited til home for lunch. I am starting to say "do we need this?" To dh even when he's suggesting the spend.

I sooo hope I'm strong enough to keep it up when term starts. My younger dd starts Pre school and I must make sure the "end of an era, sob" feelings don't turn into the spend of an era.

[Coughle]

This is a great thread! Dh and I are both emotional spenders but in very different types of things.

I get a lot of satisfaction from filling up online shopping carts... I'm not in the UK so I try to shop at stores that don't ship to my country, at least then it's impossible for me to actually order!

[BigBirthdayGloom]

eBay? What's ebay? Ha! Pretending I never had an eBay phase. Hope you manage to resist.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Welcome Coughle

Day out today and took very basic picnic. Free coffee from waitrose on th way there, no gift shop and had an ice cream each. Dd1 has sleepover tonight so let them choose sweets but at 3 for a pound that's okay. I guess none of it counted as emotional spending anyway-just normal, watching the pennies but having a day out stuff. One thing though-dh left me to pay for shopping and I found myself convincing myself to buy a magazine. Luckily, they didn't have the one I wanted and I stopped myself. That in itself is good-a month ago if have definitely found one to buy even if I didn't really enjoy it.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Skint until Friday, thankfully, so no worries about spending today.

I need to short my account I think - then it's easy as there's no money there. I have considered a "spends account" where I transfer a certain amount of money in there a week and that's it. That's all I have. So I can spend a little, buying whatever I'd like, and when it's out, it's out.

[sandinmyfood]

Hello all, well I did OK ish yesterday, actually took some things back for refund that I didn't actually need, slightly spoiled it by getting £9 of mega bargains in tkmax clearance - always my weakest point: lovely organic £2 trousers for dd etc - I feel pretty powerless in the face of that. Or any clearance section anywhere. If I didnt have an issue with spending too much I would just pat myself on the back for find a load of bargains, wouldn't I? Perhaps I still should, and then draw a line and start again with the no-spending today

[yummymumtobe]

Hi everyone, clicked on the thread as I have suspected ism an emotional buyer and now realise that I am. We too, like OP, are fine financially. I don't splurge on expensive highlights, expensive bags and shoes etc and so I think of myself as 'good'. However, I do spend small amounts on lots of little things, lifestyle stuff I suppose. Cath kidston mugs, cute little rucksack for daughter to take to nursery, the odd magazine. And loads of coffees and babycinos! Reading what you're all saying, maybe it's more of an emotional thing than I realised. I do but things to perk me up and also if I am feeling v happy I sometimes buy a little treat too for me or dd. ALWAYS little things though, never loads of expensive clothes etc. often we will go out for toast and jam for breakfast at our cute local cafe. Costs less than £5 as the babycino is free and we share the slices of toast.

But I do wonder, is it really that bad to buy these small things if you can afford them? Sure you can spend very little but it makes for a nicer lifestyle if you have a coffee and mag for the train etc?

[yummymumtobe]

Talking about refunds though, I get a massive buzz from returning things as it feels like I've 'made' money!

[sandinmyfood]

welcome yummy Personally I don't think there's anything wrong with spending money per se, I know some people have ethical issues re wasting money, in view of so many people having so little, but there's also the perspective that spending helps local economy etc etc - I don't know really. I think it's when it becomes a problem for you - an addiction similar to, say, overeating or perhaps its more like good old fashioned kleptomania I know its a problem for me, as I'm spending money I don't really have, and it means I can't afford the longer term sensible things I really need. I also don't want to be spending so much - or rather I'd rather not have spending take such a prominent role in my life, functioning as an emotional crutch. It makes me feel guilty and a bit out of control, if that makes sense? Different for everyone though!
The odd thing is I don't see myself as a materialistic person, I don't value money or having lots of expensive things. Weird, huh?

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Hello yummy.

Interesting point about where spending becomes a problem. I know mine was a problem because I was spending too much, but it was more than that. I have always spent money as a response to stress, boredom, an untidy house I'm trying to escape. The spending per se was not a problem as we were more than solvent. Would I now rather have that money in the bank?and had a different coping mechanism, probably. Were there worse things? Undoubtedly. If you overeat and aren't overweight, is it still a problem? Difficult to tell. I guess it's about whether you're in charge of whatever your coping mechanism is or whether its got the reins. I had definitely tipping over into the latter even though it was small sums I was spending. I think it's something you have to work out.

Definitely no moral problem with spending money for me-I love treats. I just have to get back to a stage where it's in balance so that when I buy a treat it is just that rather than having associated guilt.

I think it's all about degrees - a drink to end a stressful day is fine. Drinking to get through every day, not so. Same with spending. And also whether you're mostly wanting the thing you're buying and not finding things to spend in because you enjoy the spending. But I'm no real expert.

Anyways-today was another good day which could have not been. I went to pick up some basics from the supermarket but really I was using it as an excuse to buy a magazine. I looked at them-there were two I fancied, but I couldn't bring myself to buy one. I think something has changed and I know how quickly I'll read it, how much space they take up when they accumulate and how much they cost. Before, I knew all that but I just needed my fix.


I know what you mean about the buzz of the refund. As long as I don't get too obsessed the other way and skimp too much, I'm really enjoying the little buzz of doing fairly frugal grocery shopping, making use of the freezer and meal planning. I get a huge buzz if I stick to the plan. Just harder work than getting the spending buzz!

[CambridgeBlue]

This is such an interesting thread! Like a lot of people we're OKish financially - had a lot of debt in the past but have paid most of it off and rarely use credit now. We cover the basics but never seem to have much left over for the big things friends seem to always be spending on - holidays abroad, house renovations etc. Some of that is down to income but I know we, well mainly me, fritter more money away on bits and pieces than is necessary.

This really struck a chord with me:

I binge on food, used to binge on alcohol and binge on spending, and the root of it is all the same I am sure. Lonely, a little depressed, feel awful about myself, think that buying converses or Hush clothes or a nice house magazine will magically transform me into the person I want to be.

I always seem to need a 'crutch' to get me through life whether it's spending, eating or drinking or all 3. I indulge when I'm happy (to celebrate), when I'm sad (because what the hell), when I'm bored (to make life seem less dull).

I stick to quite a rigid budget these days. I save for things like Xmas, school uniform etc and really think about wasting money on things like magazines and coffees so I am much better than I used to be. But the desire to spend is still there - every morning this week I've checked the Next sale section because I've convinced myself our holiday next week will be better if I have a new swimming costume! I spend far too long reading S&B, looking at blogs, on Pinterest - they just give me more ideas for things I might buy to make my life better somehow.

I order stuff quite often but rarely keep it or I buy things and they hang with the tags on for weeks before being returned so I obviously don't need any of it but buying gives me a 'hit' and having the stuff makes me feel reassured and in control which I rarely seem to do in real life.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I'm trying to make it difficult to splurge right now. I know that it's an emotional crutch, a habit, for me. So since I had a bit of extra money, I put in my grocery shopping order in to be delivered today instead of tomorrow, which effectively ties up any available money I have right now (until tomorrow). That keeps me from spending today.

My goal at the moment is simply to make it difficult for me to spend long enough to break the habit. Not the perfect solution, but I'm hoping it will be a start. I'm also trying to find more constructive ways to cope when I'm stressed.