Emotional spending-just told dh and I'm going to crack it.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

We're okay financially-I don't work but dh's income is fine. We have left ourselves fairly right after investing heavily in our house but still enough for food, basic clothes, children's activities like music lessons and sports.
There's not much left for little spends that we used to have like mags, meals out, clothes, books and I hadn't realised how much I spent for emotional reasons (bored, stressed, happy, you name it). Not vast sums but fairly frequent.

I've really struggled with cutting back and found ever more cunning ways to hide small spends from dh. But we've had a financial heart to heart today and I know it has to stop-we took out a loan to cover the last of the things we bought for the house and he hasn't paid off a card we agreed to and, as I suspected its because I overspend and he's worried to pay off the credit card til things are more sensible.

Anyway, I've given him my card (debit) and going to really, truly go cold turkey on this. We could go under for the sake of crap that I don't even want.

Anyone else? I feel really stupid but hope that now I've told dh I'll be more likely to succeed. And going to avoid shops like the plague. Just hoping I can put something in its place. It's like an addiction.

[CornChips]

I also want to spend! The friends we stayed with at the weekend- their house is newly renovated and beautiful! And a gorgeous garden. I came home muttering about needing new carpets and laura Ashley bedlinen for the spare room.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Collie - I get that too. Yesterday's swimsuit thing was partly dd being a pain about suncream but also just so wanting to find a justification for spending. But at least I recognise it now so I can tackle it.

Corn-yup, I get that too! Despite having pretty much done our house, I can still find a hundred things I "need".

I realise that I have, to some extent, passed on the spending urge to dd1. This holiday, we haven't given them pocket money as such and despite having pool, beaches, tennis court, books, crafts, etc, she wants to go to the shops. Another good reason to sort myself out. No more trips to cafes when we get an hour to ourselves.

It has to get easier, doesn't it? I really, really want to buy a magazine today. After all it's holiday, I deserve it, and another hundred reasons that aren't reall true!

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Collie-hope you get the move thing sorted. And I feel your pain on the whining. Another reason why I'd spend, I "deserved" a great after getting through a day with three at each other.

[Hoppinggreen]

I have had a serious shopping habit in the past and ran up quite a few debts ( now all paid off).
I discovered that it was the shopping I enjoys rather than the owning of the things, usually clothes.
What is so now is shop online and spend ages looking at things and putting them in my basket and then I leave them there for at least 24 hours. After that when I go back I find I don't want the clothes at all.
Might sound odd but works for me

[sinisterfish]

marking place to read later I can relate to so many of these posts

[BigBirthdayGloom]

hoppinggreen I do that with a particular store I used to make impulse purchase in. Once I'd kept looking at it online I was so bamboozled with choice I didn't want anything!

Welcome sinisterfish!

Well, after a day of serious spend craving, I had a bit of a triumph! We went to a big supermarket where we're on hols. Usually I'd do lots of I want that "we need that" spending and come away with a ridiculous receipt. We did buy the children a toy each, but stuck to budget and explained to them that this year, we wouldn't be buying things in shops when we went on visits to castles etc. dd needed a swim hat because hers was actually broken. They were really good about it. I soooo wanted a magazine but didn't even look and dh and I had a pack of cans of diet coke as our treat.

Hooray!

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

You lot sound right up my street. I think this is what I do, emotional spending. I didn't even know it was a thing. I'm always buying things that I don't need simply because they're gorgeous and I want them. It's not just clothes for me, it's clothes for the dc's and knickknacks for the kitchen usually.

I just don't think I could confess to dh. I'm a sahm and he is completely financialy responsible for everything. He pays all the bills, he's got a very good job and earns well, but then he shares his disposable income with me. If he knew I was spending most of it paying off debts every month because I'm about five grand in debt he'd go nuclear. I am so ashamed of myself. I reckon I could have it paid off in about three years if I'm careful. I just need to stop bloody spending money.

[thatgirloverthere]

Ilovemydog it's hard isn't it? we are going on holiday soon and I'm so excited because we have money set aside for it that I know I can spend, I've just spent 20 mins looking at the duty free magazine online, there were four things that I was instantly drawn to and I thought about how I could sneakily buy them whilst dh is sitting behind me on the plane two were for me, one for ds1 and one for my 15 year old sister.

Today I managed to only buy a pair of leggings £5.99 and a top £3 for dd1 in the sale, from H&M online, postage was free which swayed me. I'm planning on giving them to her for her birthday in a few weeks, so far I've spent £43 plus today's purchases. Also spent £4.60 in Sainsbury's. That is a very good day for me, I'm trying so hard because all I hear dh saying is "stop spending money" or "will you just stop buying things".

I do work full time, but term time only, however I get paid during the holidays so have an income all year, is it selfish of me to expect to actually spend some of the money I earn on things I want to buy? Husband (who earns 4x my wage) seems to think all of my wages should go towards bills or food, because he pays far more than I earn towards our monthly outgoings. We have a joint bank account that both of our salaries is paid into. This month things are tight because a large chunk of money from our current account has been set aside for holiday spending money, Also I'm taking the children overseas on my own for just over a week, so we've paid for flights and again spending money.

I'm pretty sure that next month will be better, after all the school holidays are a very expensive time of year.

These threads certainly help though, I keep checking back through the day and it stops me making impulse purchases because I'm bored.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Hello ilovemydog!

I'm in a similar position to you by the looks of things. Dh is the main earner (and pretty much the only earner-I have just done enough work in the last nine years to stop me feeling terrified of being in front of a class again!) and everything is in a joint account. He is the bills man and is very good at not questioning my spending. This hasn't led to my problem-I've always been an emotional spender looking back, and I don't think him badgering me about it would have helped. But now we've got it into the open, it's much better.

I do feel bad about my spending but not because dh's job brings in all of our income. That was a joint decision. So I'm reining it in because we really need to, not because I feel it's his money I'm spending. No doubt that is the way it does feel to him sometimes.

Made it to shops for icing sugar today and came back with ready made icing because there wasn't any. And I treated myself to a freddo frog. I'm bound to lose weight too - part of my spending was excessive cakes and chocolate.

thatgirl well done! I know what you mean about Dhs voice in your head. I think, although there have been no rows, my guilt about spending has come between us a bit. I can't quite look him in the eye after a bad day spending wise. It'll be nice to avoid that.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Another challenge overcome. We went to a castle yesterday and dc didn't make any fuss at all at not buying in the shop. They looked, they played a bit but no asking. Had an ice cream but dh and I opted out. And had a fab time at the castle. As I suspected, dd enjoyed the afternoon more without the prospect of the shop at the end (used to be constant asking about it) and we didn't have the tortuous choosing process.

[catbonnet]

I found it much easier to not want to buy anything if I don't engage in ad-heavy mass media - tv, mags, etc. I've picked up crochet which is good for odd bits and accessories, like hairbands and so forth. A library card is good for satisfying a desire for looking at books and mags and I use a free spotify account for music.

[Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme]

It's the internet shopping I can't avoid. I don't have emails anymore advertising sales etc but then I don't really need them because I get bored of an evening and peruse them all myself.

Dh has started coming out with phrases like 'perhaps we need to be a bit careful'. In a really gentle voice.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

ilove my spending had got so messed up that I avoided Internet shopping because dh would know whereas with cash shopping he wouldn't . I've also had the gentle careful with money thing. A different dh might have been less kind.

[ginorwine]

For me spending was an emotional thing and I got into a lot of bother thro it!
Ended up giving dh my card for while and banning self from e bay .
I have tried hard to think do I want to fritter my cash and just give it to the shops or do I want to save it for choices for us like overpay the mortgage- not yet achieved! Or go on a holiday - did it! Pay for ds go to a festival - did it! My fruend is a big shopper a d once we had a liquid lunch in a big city and were a little merry a d the make up counters saw us comming ! I ended up with loads of boby brown stuff which thankfully was excellent but that was the sort of thing we used to do ! She still does it and I have to resist or save for mad treats now. I doo Casio ally slip up and I fear running out of clothes plus my pal always look s fab and fresh and new and I do nt! But for me I feel a bit better. I
It's not easy , been there ++++! It's great that you have taken these steps. I also reassure myself by saying - you have enough. In a kind way.society e coracles us to want more and more and then we forget to enjoy what we gave as still looking!!!!:0
Good luck and be kind to yourself ! :)

[BigBirthdayGloom]

collie I think you're doing amazingly to have any control over spending with a teething baby. It's no coincidence that I am regaining some control over spending when dd2 has turned three and is sleeping a bit better. I really struggled when her sleeping was at its worst-I felt I deserved treats all the time because it was so tough. Hang in there. I also relate to the birthday money thing-I want to spend it on big stuff but feel I need to keep it for when small spend craving comes. Hopefully this birthday coming up will be different. No gloom this year, despite the name!

Thanks for the encouragement ginorwine. Gin please, if the name's a question!

Dh commented today on how well we're doing this holiday. Apart from anything, I haven't been escaping to the shops so the petrol hasn't run low. We've stuck to our guns on spending on days out and I've read one book on ereader and have just downloaded the second. And I'm just turning the corner on wanting magazines. I know it'll be tougher when I'm back home in the usual spending places and must make sure we keep up the work on decluttering the house.

[secretblackandmidnighthag]

Wow, this is me. I didn't even know this was a thing. But I do this! Ebay is my utter downfall. I've stopped my Amazon Prime account so that has solved that. I now have to walk to Waterstones in town if I want a book - or even better, go to the library. But I use Ebay all the time to sell things too...argh!

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

I disappeared from here for awhile as I was struggling with some huge issues with family and stbx, which of course blew all my good intentions right out of the water. Skint and trying to be better, I'm back. God, yes, emotional stress blows me out of orbit. sigh

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Hello alice. Sorry things have been tough, sounds rubbish . It's bound to get you off track a bit. I'm expecting to have blips-the thing that I've done in the past that I'm hoping to avoid is giving up altogether when I do a bit of spending. It's so like dieting I think-getting to the stage where you can have the spending equivalent of one biscuit rather than the whole packet.

Welcome secretblack. I reckon spotting your spending weak spots is key. Good luck!

Been a couple of days where we reminded ourselves what souvenir shops at attractions are like-we gave the kids a bit of pocket money and it was half an hour of excruciating indecision. But on the plus side, both ended up saving their money because they hadn't seen anything they liked. We're going home tomorrow and have spent, not including food but including entrance to attractions and snacks under £200 for a fortnight for five.

Just need to make sure I don't reward myself by spending...

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

BBG thanks. Stbx attempted suicide, and the repercussions are all over the place. I am trying to go on the lines of "okay, obviously you're going to want to spend, but just try to keep it down to a small amount to relieve some pressure and wait out the stress." Does that make sense or does it seem foolish to give in at all?

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Oh, goodness. Huge stuff. My dm is bipolar and has attempted several times. No one knows what it's like for someone else, and a partner, even ex has different ramifications but I am feeling for you. You have to be kind to yourself. Anyone would allow themselves some treats when going through it. It's not the spending that's a problem in itself, it's the going too far so that you don't enjoy the treat. It feels different for me spending for the sake of it. I got to the stage where I didn't even want to read the magazine, just to buy it. Does that make sense? But this holiday, I've enjoyed the couple of coffees I've had because they've been proper treats.

[AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore]

Thanks. Yes, I think the "shopping" part is sort of a brain escape at the moment, even if it is online. sigh. I totally get what you mean about "for the sake of it" rather than for enjoyment.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Oh-yes-I get the brain escape thing. Good way to describe it. Spending numbs me a bit.

[sandinmyfood]

Hello, I think I need to join you. I've nc, as I'm so embarrassed to have a problem with this
This year H left so facing being a single mum, I've been very ill and off work, and I've moved miles away from friends and family. A totally shitty year, and spending money isn't the worst coping mechanism I could have found, but building up debts is a worry I really don't need, and I feel so guilty about it.
I rarely by stuff for myself - its always things that I can tell myself are bargains: clothes and toys for dd (put by to grow into), things for new house (that I can kid myself we need), and a big store of presents (so I tell myself its saving time ad money in the long run). All kind of true, but we have too much stuff and I can't afford it. I'm too scared to look at my bank statements and credit card bill, which makes me feel even more of an idiot.
My credit card has just been declined so I decided it was time to post. I would love to be frugal, but can't seem to ditch the buzz of shopping!