Emotional spending-just told dh and I'm going to crack it.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

We're okay financially-I don't work but dh's income is fine. We have left ourselves fairly right after investing heavily in our house but still enough for food, basic clothes, children's activities like music lessons and sports.
There's not much left for little spends that we used to have like mags, meals out, clothes, books and I hadn't realised how much I spent for emotional reasons (bored, stressed, happy, you name it). Not vast sums but fairly frequent.

I've really struggled with cutting back and found ever more cunning ways to hide small spends from dh. But we've had a financial heart to heart today and I know it has to stop-we took out a loan to cover the last of the things we bought for the house and he hasn't paid off a card we agreed to and, as I suspected its because I overspend and he's worried to pay off the credit card til things are more sensible.

Anyway, I've given him my card (debit) and going to really, truly go cold turkey on this. We could go under for the sake of crap that I don't even want.

Anyone else? I feel really stupid but hope that now I've told dh I'll be more likely to succeed. And going to avoid shops like the plague. Just hoping I can put something in its place. It's like an addiction.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Ooh-sorry, welcome [davidtennantsmistress]!

[Sleepwhenidie]

Emotional spending is just like an addiction, as you say OP. It is acting as a crutch, a distraction, a comfort, the same as gambling, or overeating, drink, drugs or exercise does for others. If it has become an unwanted habit then just trying to stop and go cold turkey is going to be similarly difficult as for an overeater (just like eating, its pretty impossible to go through life not buying anything at all).

To really recover you need to stop labelling yourself as an addict, be kind to yourself - there are worse coping mechanisms you could have chosen - and identify your personal trigger (eg stress, emotional situations, boredom), or hole that you are trying to fill elsewhere (lack of sex, affection, intellectual stimulation, physical exertion), or emotion that you find it hard to express (sadness, anger, frustration or even happiness). To do this you need to slow down when the urge hits and try and name your feelings, also go back and identify when the emotional spending started happening and hopefully, why. Then you can start to find the things to fill the hole, practise expressing the emotions, find other sources of comfort and stimulation. When you do end up spending unnecessarily, again, be gentle and thin about the experience, how you felt before, during and after - no guilt allowed though.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Or even davidtennantsmistress

[HerRoyalNotness]

I do it because I am so very bored, and depressed and bored. Yesterday I actually met up with some new friends, skived off work, for a coffee, and the difference in my outlook was amazing. I was actually chirpy and felt refreshed at the end of the day. I'll add lonely to the list. I've never felt as lonely as I do over the past 11mths (we moved, and have really no friends or support here). I am also bored in my job, and procrastinating about all the jobs at home I have to get done, and I'm determined they must be done before school starts back! (sorting school work, DC art, photo's are the main things).

I have just now in online bags, a bikini and a jersey for DS2, but the sale code stopped working today, so I know I'm not paying full price for that. And a pair of shoes at BR, waiting for a discount code though.

One thing to do, that will absolutely take your breath away, is add up how much you've spent over the past few years on say clothes, makeup and coffee, you will be flabbergasted. I was completely embarrased, I posted it on here on another thread awhile back. I worked out that if I'd only spent 50% of what I did spend over those years, I would have had another 30k in the bank. Puts it in perspective!

[velourvoyageur]

Oh christ. I spend so much! I do recognise myself in your post. When I can't sleep, when I tell myself I need cheering up, when I've had good news to kind of prolong the good feeling, I just buy clothes, or books or music. Because I was pleased with my 2nd year uni results which came out this month I went and spend loads in the sales as a "reward". & then told myself that since my results were fine, the fuckload I'd spent the week before, I could forgive myself. Spending is such a boost. I can't find anything to replace it.

I do love clothes, putting outfits together and wearing nice things so it's not just about the dopamine shot of handing over money (i.e. "earning it") and getting something sparkly in return.....but it is a lot about that.
I don't think I'm as far along as you OP, you're addressing your problem which is great....i.e. I'm still scared of checking my bank account, but I've got a tab open in Zara and my balance won't escape unscathed, I can feel it in me bones!

I'm sure all the disciplined people reading this will think oh ffs woman, just use some bloody willpower! But (god, resorting to adages) wanting it is half the battle won....I'm sure people who don't spend don't get the same urges that other people get. If you don't have enough positive energy and desire invested in wanting to solve your problem, it won't happen.
(okay, that does sound a bit pathetic and excuse-making. maybe....one swift move, I can close the Zara tab....)

[UrsulaBuffay]

I would warn to make sure you take back control of your personal spending and get your card back in due course. I can really make you feel reliant on someone in a negative way not to have that little bit of freedom.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I think you're right, Ursula. This cold turkey, dh gives me cash is a bit like rehab-break the habit and then gradually reintroduce temptation. At the moment, I need to have the urge to spend without the means to indulge it. It then makes me think about what to do instead, see how long the urge lasts, consider why I was feeling like spending. Before, I would have spent before I had the chance to do any of that.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Velour, I'm the same - it's not just negative feelings that make me spend. And I recognise the prolonging of the good feeling thing.

[UrsulaBuffay]

Yes definitely isn't a bad short term idea- I did it in a way but never took back responsibility and I think I lost some self esteem as a result.

[velourvoyageur]

Well. I can report I had 40 euro worth of stuff in my basket. And I closed the tab just after I put my address details in because the shipping price was ridiculous and shipping doesn't come in a nice package you can open


BigBirthday I know, it's very global as a 'thing' isn't it. We're not safe from ourselves at any point! I think it's maybe even a way of trying to have some effect over our emotions- regulating them perhaps- because we feel that they're moving too fast, we don't know where they're going or to what state they'll bring us, so we need to introduce an element which has an emotional impact that is safe and familiar to bring some comfort to the situation.

I always feel the need to confess after I've bought something. Or have someone tell me not to feel guilty, to justify it. I feel an unreasonable amount of security and reassurance when someone tells me I SHOULD buy something, like my mum told me I should remember to buy sheets (as if I haven't been poring over flipping Zara home for ages) for the place I'm moving into soon. Like I'm absolved, the responsibility is not mine any more, someone took that bad decision for me, and since that person is more reasonable than me, their voicing this bad decision overrides my choice in taking their advice.
babbling now, thanks Heineken.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

I think shopping is very neat and tidy. However chaotic your day, there's a nice complete feeling about buying. It's predictable, you can truly make a choice and yet it hasn't been as complicated as the choices or things you have to do or balance in real life. That's why I'm using decluttering as part of replacing shopping. A nice tidy cupboard (that only I access!) is neat. And under my control too. And I love making stuff too. In a sense that's my choice and under my control too. God, I sound like a control freak. I'm not, it's just that with three kids life is messier than it used to be!
Well done on resisting Zara. I know the justification by friends thing. I told a very dear friend about ending the magazine buying habit and she gave sound reasons why it was okay and I shouldn't worry. I shared with her the reasons I actually bought them and she got it. If I were treating myself to a weekly mag, reading it, talking to dh about it and it was my treat, then it would be pretty healthy. And maybe I'll get back to that. But I likened it to eating chocolate when you feel full and have had loads of choc already-you feel a bit sick and you certainly don't enjoy it.

[CornChips]

I did end up spending yesterday took DS out for fish and chips.We had stacks of food at home. Then today I was at Aldi, and was kept catching myself almost impulse buying. I hardly even know I am doing it.

I binge on food, used to binge on alcohol and binge on spending, and the root of it is all the same I am sure. Lonely, a little depressed, feel awful about myself, think that buying converses or Hush clothes or a nice house magazine will magically transform me into the person I want to be.

However, today I managed to resist;

Slimming world magazine
BBC History magazine (never wanted to buy before so where is the compulsion coming from??!!)
random packets of sausage rolls.
I am also removing my credit card from the amazon saved section so if I have an amazon urge I have to find my card and input the number.... that might make me re-think.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Today, I took my card out with me. I bought bread, milk, paid to rent a DVD for the holiday from the library rather than buying one as we used to. We ate cheese and ham sandwiches at home for lunch and even saved the pack of sausages for picnic tomorrow. I took four bags of stuff to charity shop including a large toy that none of ours play with, only visitors. I have a strong urge to take dd out now for a coffee, but it's definitely because we are going away tomorrow, there's loads to do and I want to avoid it. So I'm going to post this and go and find the clothes I want to take. And then I'm going to have a cup of tea.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Corn chips-but you're starting to notice, and that's huge. I've been thinking and I mustn't get too "crash diet" over my spending. Otherwise it'll go the same way as diets and food - deny, deny, deny...huge splurge.

[peasandlove]

set yourself a challenge of a no spend day/week/month and channel that determination into it. I'm like this, once I start spending it just keeps on going, but if I change my mindset and challenge myself to not spend, I can do it, and I get that satisfaction of knowing I just saved $5 by not buying that coffee/mag whatever.

[CornChips]

Good morning! I think I am taking more notice, and then yesterday I bought a little friendship bracelet (but it was for chariteeeeeee! ) and the local paper which I usually read online anyway.

I am aiming for a no-spend weekend beyond essentials. We are staying at friends, and I have bought a gift for them and we are taking them out to lunch, but I am not going to buy anything else. No little trinkets as souvenirs. Maybe an ice cream for DS, but nothing else for me.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Aternoon! We're on holiday and so far I've spent nothing. The thing I'm pleased about is that normally we'd buy dc a magazine for the journey, which they then barely look at-not this time. And although we had pains au choc as treats in the car and a coffee/ice cream on the ferry, we made sandwiches for the car. Less pressure on them to eat and cash saved.
Sounds as if it's going well corn and collie. The catalogue, though annoying, wasn't your choice. And I think the whole emphasis is on not doing emotional spending-not on spending nothing, corn. While we're on holiday, I might well buy a magazine or two. That's normal holiday behaviour. Sneaking out because I'm feeling the lack of personal space and buying three-not healthy.
Was really pleased that we didn't buy anything to come away either-I'll normally use it as an excuse to shop.
My approach to food seems to be following on from my spending and is getting less silly too.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

It's a real achievement to have the catalogue and not fall off the spending "wagon". I know that when we have had annoying spending before - like a speeding fine, I've gone "what's the point in trying?" and it's affected the small spending. Plus, what's my response been to any emotion including annoyance... spending! I'm waiting for my big challenge to come, but I'm feeling more confident.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Another good day. I made dh's anniversary card out of materials I already had. His gift was a chocolate cake that I had to buy ingredients for but it was what he most wanted. And I downloaded a book onto my ereader for £2.99. But I'm on holiday so think that's acceptable. Sooo wanted a magazine but staying strong and enjoying doing other stuff and not feeling the guilt after a spending splurge. Didn't buy chocolate at the shop either-just what was on the list.

[CornChips]

Hello!

I had a good weekend spending wise, although the lunch at the pub was eye watering. A fancy (lovely) gastropub. Ouch.

I am about to go to the shops and I have my list and I am taking exact money (rounded up) after looking at prices online. No debit card. No chance for the impulse purchase.....

I caught myself thinking I would just pop into M&S to get summer trousers. I do need them- but can get away with my two pairs of shorts for a little while longer yet.

[BigBirthdayGloom]

Eating out prices make my eyes pop out, corn! Glad it was lovely. Well done for the list shopping.

Having another no spend day but feeling a bit twitchy. Just had an e change with dh about buying a new swimming costume for dd1. I want to buy one that covers her up because she's making a right song and dance about sun cream. I kind of feel its okay because we've spent literally nothing. He feels differently.

I think I've uncovered a fundamental flaw in my approach to money. I've looked at our accounts and it looks okay. I'm not, however, looking ahead to bits of the month where we might have big spends-car etc and I'm conveniently ignoring the windows that need replacing. I am also doing my "it's only £x" trick.

So I'm talking severely to myself and getting over it. I also think that I get bored quickly by not spending. Again-getting over it. I have a book to read, crafts to do, chdren to play with and the weathers lovely. I am retraining myself to have fun without spending. It's bound to be hard at times.

[CornChips]

Morning all. Have just returned from the shops. Bought for today- 1 head of broccoli, milk, bread rolls and yoghurt. Spent £5 on the bus as the car is out of action and paid the childminder - so my limited spend day has ended up being £200.

But that ought to be it for today. Have stuff in freezer for dinners and soup. My aim is to get to the end of the week and only buy vegetables for dinner.