My sister is a Covid denier

[Mol1628]

I don’t know what to do anymore. We’ve struggled with her behaviour since the pandemic began. She’s denied covids existence. Refused to believe any of it. She even lost her job because she wouldn’t wear a mask.
She’s been going to protests and still meeting with a new group of friends who she’s met through a local resistance group.

At Christmas we all did LFTs and made sure we were well enough before we met up. She refused. My parents are too soft on her and let her stay over despite my dad being vulnerable.

Christmas Day at parents she said she had a dry throat but it was caused by the wood burner. Boxing Day she said she was fine and she came to our house. Towards the end of Boxing Day I noticed her voice was sounding hoarse. She refused to take a test. My mum asked her to go home but she wouldn’t (she’s been staying over at their house for Xmas) then she got more sick the next day and my dad now feeling poorly.

My husband felt a bit rough today. Took a LF as no PCR tests available. Positive straight away. My dad took a test too and he is also positive.

Sister still refusing to take a test and refusing to leave my parents house.

Am I being unreasonable to say I never want her at my house again? It’s not that she’s given us Covid, it’s the complete disregard for other people. She’s been selfish this entire time. She refused to wear a mask for my grandads funeral and made my mum cry with her behaviour on that day. I feel like this is the final straw and I want to cut contact with her now.

I don’t care if she does or doesn’t believe in Covid, but her complete disregard for other people is something I don’t feel like I can get past.

Have you ever mentioned the pushing in thing?

I have a friend from school who was a bit....odd...in uni years. He would have done something like pushing in. He was drinking a huge amount and smoking a lot of weed, but interestingly managed to hide it. Is that a possibility here?

@Mol1628

She’s always been a bit strange/selfish. Will push in front of people in shops and not even realise. Never really had friends and has never had a partner because she can’t live with other people.

Sounds like she's just got no empathy, which explains the seemingly callous disregard for others.

Has she been tested for autism?

I really don’t think it’s substance abuse, I’ve never even known her to drink alcohol.

More likely she’s autistic, yes. She’s always struggled socially really.

My dad is now saying that it’s ok we would have caught it anyway. Minimising her behaviour. I’m going to be the one coming off worse here. Maybe I’ll have to go no contact with everyone if I’ll be getting blamed and expected to just patch things up. Whilst she has none of the consequences.

It’s not even the covid denial really is it? It’s the lack of respect for other peoples boundaries. It wouldn’t really matter if she full on rejects everything about covid and/or vaccinations, she doesn’t have to accept what you and your parents say but she does have to respect it and it was a choice for her not to.

Your parents will deal with this differently to you because she’s their child and the dynamics are different but if I were you I would find it very hard to move past. You seem to be conveying that you’re expected to sacrifice a lot of morals and beliefs for the sake of her comfort. If compromise and respect of peoples boundaries can’t happen then you have to protect yourself.

Don't have her near your house again. Make it clear to your parents they are welcome to visit you, that you would love to visit them, but will not do so if your sister is there.

The main thing is that your parents are OK health wise.

They are adults and can take their own decisions.

And you take yours, which may be different.

They can do as they wish but I hate to be made out that I’m the one making the bad decision!

I definitely can’t move past it ever and that’s the problem.

Yes it’s not that she doesn’t believe in Covid that’s the problem really.

‘Made out’ by your parents?

You can’t influence what they think, do or say.

@Pinkchocolate

Your sister is a total knob and I wouldn’t be talking to her again. I really hope this ends ok and you and your family are all ok. I had a similar situation to you, Covid-deniers stayed with DP’s with “cold, not Covid symptoms”. They did leave once my parents tested positive but it was too late, within the week my parents were both on life support and only one of them survived. People really do show how utterly selfish they are and how little regard they have for their friends and families. I don’t care what people believe but risking others is unforgivable.

I’m so sorry

God forbid this doesn't happen and everyone comes through it quickly, but what would be your sister's stance if either of your parents were hospitalised and put on ventilators, or worse? Would she still claim Covid isn't real then?

I'm so sorry, Pinkchocolate – I didn't see your comment until after I'd posted mine. My heart goes out to you that you lost a parent in the same circumstances I outlined.

A friend is like your sister. She was fired early in the pandemic because she refused to comply with COVID regulations at her work. Her mental health isn’t great and she’s struggling to afford to live now as she has been unemployed for ages and has used up her savings. I cooled things early on with her because I was angry with her, but we have started talking again. Although it doesn’t excuse the selfishness of their actions, these beliefs appear to be like a mental illness. I still won’t have her in my house though.

If you don’t have to make a decision right now, sit on it for a while is my advice. See how you feel when you feel well and your anger subsides a little. Don’t be afraid to set your boundaries as you see fit. But I wouldn’t burn bridges unless you need to.

What an awful & selfish thing to do to your family at Christmas.

I'd totally disown her.

I’m sorry for everyone else that has lost people. Especially in difficult circumstances. Families are so tough sometimes.

I am just going to shoehorn a request that people not automatically equate lack of empathy with having autism. It;'s laze, offensive and usually inaccurate and it is trotted out with boring relentlessness on these sorts of threads.

The OP's sister might just be a selfish fucker. Many people are selfish fuckers.

Awful isn’t it? I understand your feelings and why you’d want to cut her off. But anger takes a lot of energy. I would focus on getting well and supporting your parents in whatever way you can. Just focus on getting through the next week or so and then re-evaluate if you feel you need to.

I think in this instance you are part of the problem. You knew she didn’t test, you know her thoughts on Covid and therefore likely to be mixing freely - you knew she was high risk and went anyway AND had her round.

You need to look at why you can’t stick to your beliefs, but allow her to stick to hers.

I think you have to stick to what you think is right (and I agree with you, she's very selfish). Your parents are not going to get what they want either, but I can see why they want to keep the peace. Too bad for them too. But clearly she has a bit of a history of behaviour that's a little off, so perhaps you cutting her off is what it will take for your parents to reassess. It's really easy to expect you to compromise.

I don’t think casting blame is helpful or supportive to the OP.

The parents are technically at fault because they knew Dad was vulnerable but did not protect themselves by enforcing a no LFT, no visit policy. But I can understand how if they had been shielding, that their need for loving contact over rode COVID safety… it was Christmas, they still love their COVID denying daughter, they want her to be included, and are possibly worried about her. They took a gamble that things would be ok and it didn’t work out.

OP could have given her parents an ultimatum. If sister won’t test and still comes we won’t come for Christmas. But it’s not very nice to be put in the position of having to do that.

I feel sorry for the family and hope that no one gets too sick.

I am fully aware I’m responsible for allowing her to my house. But I genuinely didn’t think she would come when actually poorly with symptoms. I assumed she would be a decent person and at least mention it. Whether she thought it was Covid or not. Now that has happened I have struggled with how to handle the situation going forwards. I know I need to sort out my boundaries with her that’s what I’m trying to do.

Your parents are quite young, in their 60s so I assume they are perfectly capable to do their own risk assessment. Your sister made her position known beforehand and they (and you) made a decision to socialise with her knowing she is not vaccinated and won't test.
If you don't talk to her then don't. Just don't use 'you infected our parents' excuse. Your parents don't seem to have issues with that so it is not up to you to be offended on their behalf.

Not unreasonable at all.

My stepbrother will not get vaccinated or wear a mask. So now he isn't welcome at my parents (he has never been to mine but wouldn't be welcome as well) house. Not for Christmas, not for Sundays, nothing.

Think that assumption was a bit naive. I have a covid denier friend. I assume that, should she have symptoms, she would not test or change her activities, since she’d believe that it couldn’t be covid or, even if it was, covid couldn’t harm her or others.

Yes it was naive. I made a mistake. Never denied that.