Someone somewhere needs to articulate the lost quality of life

[Gguin]

Firstly, I am not saying I think there shouldn't be restrictions as needed, masks, reduced social contact. I do. Just to reemphasise that, to prevent people misreading the title, I support and abide and have abided by restrictions, both statutory and advised.
I also hated every single second of the lockdown. I hated what it did to friends. I hated the disregard of single people. I hated the criminalisation of social lives. I hated the lost opportunities for young and not so young people to build or change their lives. I hated the paranoia and judgmentalism. I hated the NHS worship and everyone else can go hang.
And yes I hate this feeling, somewhere between anxiety, depression and a grinding underlying fear of future regret on all that has been lost. I drove past a pub in rural Ireland where I live today and it was shut, boarded up and probably will never reopen. The sign "craic agus ceoil" (laughter and music) was worn and frayed, like a relic of the times when we were able to enjoy themselves with abandon.
All I would like as the latest chapter of shit unfolds is for someone, somewhere to actually articulate the sadness of all the lost opportunities. The friends that have never been made, the months and years spent indoors, the catastrophic toll on mental health and above all this awful feeling that the many of the very things that make life worth living are so expendable and in some quarters, not even mourned.

Being sad about the fact that the life I loved has gone is not 'dysfunctional' FFS.

So how is it functional?

What’s with posters trying to order how others feel…

What’s with posters trying to order how others feel…

How do you want to feel?

@glimpsing

Being sad about the fact that the life I loved has gone is not 'dysfunctional' FFS.

So how is it functional?

How is you being here 'functional'?

I thought you were off to meditate?

Yet here you are.

@glimpsing

What’s with posters trying to order how others feel…

How do you want to feel?

Not like a poster on mn feels moved to recommend.

I’m fine not to have that intrusion.

How is you being here 'functional'?

I thought you were off to meditate?

Yet here you are.

Well, I could challenge the purpose of you feeling like this or you could decide to add me to your list of irritations.

Which would you like to do?

@glimpsing

How is you being here 'functional'?

I thought you were off to meditate?

Yet here you are.

Well, I could challenge the purpose of you feeling like this or you could decide to add me to your list of irritations.

Which would you like to do?

I'd like MN to finally get an 'ignore' function.

@glimpsing

Being sad about the fact that the life I loved has gone is not 'dysfunctional' FFS.

So how is it functional?

'Functional' can include 'sad'. Negative emotions are a part of how humans function, not something that must be fixed at any costs.

You know how when young children feel sad or angry or lie-on-the-floor-howling-in-rage, our responsibility is not to immediately try to tell them: "no you don't feel sad! no, it's okay! Cheer up! Look on the bright side! Here's a more positive way to think about it, here's a lollipop, you don't feel sad, you don't!" - because then they will learn that 'sad' and 'angry' are scary things that they will not be able to cope with? We say "I'm sorry you feel sad, I'm here if you want a hug" and let them be, and they learn that 'sad' and 'angry' are normal things they don't have to plaster a smile over and never ever face.

I'd like MN to finally get an 'ignore' function

Or you could just use your brain to disregard what I say....

Missed lightnesspixie's post above. I'm so sorry for you and all of your family.

'Functional' can include 'sad'. Negative emotions are a part of how humans function, not something that must be fixed at any costs.,

Exactly. Life can be rubbish and we're allowed to acknowledge that. Working through our sadness, not 'looking on a bright side' that maybe doesn't exist, is healthy and 'functional'.

This toxic positivity is a very American thing, but it's been spreading on this side of the Atlantic in recent years. Barbara Ehrenreich's "Smile or Die" is a very good book about how the culture of enforced positivity can actually be very negative.

You know how when young children feel sad or angry or lie-on-the-floor-howling-in-rage, our responsibility is not to immediately try to tell them: "no you don't feel sad! no, it's okay! Cheer up! Look on the bright side! Here's a more positive way to think about it, here's a lollipop, you don't feel sad, you don't!" - because then they will learn that 'sad' and 'angry' are scary things that they will not be able to cope with? We say "I'm sorry you feel sad, I'm here if you want a hug" and let them be, and they learn that 'sad' and 'angry' are normal things they don't have to plaster a smile over and never ever face.

No, you ask them what is sad about the situation. You recognise what is bad. However you then get them to recognise what they have that is good. You focus on that. The hug is good. The fact someone loves and cares is good. that is valuing what they have. But if they don't have a hug available what else might they have? They need to be able to actively seek what is good. Otherwise they are reliant on the rewards for expressing sadness on anger. Sadness and anger exist so we can recognise what is wrong but also appreciate what is right.

But that's just the point: we've ALL had different lockdown experiences. We ALL need different things from life and different levels of human interaction. It's been shit for so many of us and many things we took for granted, the spontaneity of meeting other people, of being able to plan travel etc, have gone.

Surely, that's not too hard to understand, even for those who've had a good lockdown experience?

I've been loving the past couple of months of meeting up with friends again, DCs having sleepovers again, going away for a long weekend again. I'm dreading another lockdown, not for myself so much (I like my own company and have lots of nerdy interests) but for the DC. They don't have a carefree childhood and talk about 'long ago, before covid' :-( which makes me sad.

You're right OP, there is a profound sense of loss and it's not 'complaining' to acknowledge that. Thanks for starting this thread.

@IcedPurple

'Functional' can include 'sad'. Negative emotions are a part of how humans function, not something that must be fixed at any costs.,

Exactly. Life can be rubbish and we're allowed to acknowledge that. Working through our sadness, not 'looking on a bright side' that maybe doesn't exist, is healthy and 'functional'.

This toxic positivity is a very American thing, but it's been spreading on this side of the Atlantic in recent years. Barbara Ehrenreich's "Smile or Die" is a very good book about how the culture of enforced positivity can actually be very negative.

^this

@lightnesspixie

Agree with everything you said. Our daughter ended her life and I know covid and its restrictions paid a huge part. I feel Utterly beaten down by it all. I am losing hope and all joy has gone. We are living in a horrifyingly bleak and desolate dystopian landscape and seemingly there is no end in sight. I hate life now and what it has become. Please God can it all stop?

💐There are no words. How unspeakably awful for you.

I hear you, to a point. But I mean we all feel like this, so why exactly do you think that it’s not being acknowledged? Do you live in a cave? It’s so sad. All of it. What is it you’re proposing???! I hear all of us talking about it all the time. Plus If we acknowledge the sacrifice and work of those in the nhs it doesn’t mean everyone else is being told to go hang - it’s not a mutually exclusive situation. We’re all here suffering. If you want it acknowledged, then do it, do it with your writing. Write stuff, talk to people. That said this is life, it’s how history has always been and I for one will keep saying ‘ thank god we’re alive’. That doesn’t mean I’m not struggling.

Thanks for this thread, it feels very cathartic to read all the comments too. I live far from my family and have only seen them once last summer and unlikely to again anytime soon. Relationships with younger family members has been heavily impacted and all the plans I had for maybe meeting a partner and planning for a big birthday are on constant hold. The very real feeling right back in spring 2020 that our government weren't looking after us properly, which has only increased tbh, was a real shock. They aren't my party of choice but none the less I thought that they would be serious, competent and organised at least, when push came to shove and I've seen the opposite for the most part. It's truly depressing that it feels like we all have to take risks in the windows of opportunity when cases are lower from now on but that feels very anxiety making too. Am feeling very flat and unxmassy not least as I'm going to be on my own for the whole holiday Feels good to have a big old moan having kept it together for other peoples sake for the whole time - am sick of being stoic and trying to rustle up positive vibes now. Think I might just watch weepy films and have a good old cathartic cry at Xmas instead of trying to summon some joy!

@Bangolads

I hear you, to a point. But I mean we all feel like this, so why exactly do you think that it’s not being acknowledged? Do you live in a cave? It’s so sad. All of it. What is it you’re proposing???! I hear all of us talking about it all the time. Plus If we acknowledge the sacrifice and work of those in the nhs it doesn’t mean everyone else is being told to go hang - it’s not a mutually exclusive situation. We’re all here suffering. If you want it acknowledged, then do it, do it with your writing. Write stuff, talk to people. That said this is life, it’s how history has always been and I for one will keep saying ‘ thank god we’re alive’. That doesn’t mean I’m not struggling.

I get the impression the OP would be happy to start small, with just a thread to talk and acknowledge. Unfortunately even that modest hope seems to be unattainable, judging by the continual insistence from various quarters on merailing, cod psychobabble and piss poor Blitz analogies. The sadness OP talks about is not being given space for acknowledgment, and this thread stands as testament.

Op, your op is so eloquent it should be in classics.

The majority have been traumatised. Much has been lost. This has not been properly acknowledged.

Those who have not been affected are lucky that their circumstances have insulated them from the impact.

To add to your list I think some employers have forgotten that we are all operating under a great strain and are not making basic allowances.

We have been gaslit and lied to. It is not true to say the pandemic is no ones fault. It could have been mitigated.

Women, because let’s face it it was mainly women, should have been given better job protection in order to deal with homeschooling.

In terms of cultural responses I enjoyed Station Eleven although it was written prePandemic.

@CaliforniaDrumming

Can we never mention the bloody world wars again, or the Blitz?

I agree, I'm not sure if this kind of statement implying that there's always someone else worse off than yourself is supposed to make us feel better, or make us 'stop winging.' Just because our plight is not as severe as those in the blitz, doesn't mean we shouldn't acknowledge it and the problems & feelings it has caused. This tactic doesn't work for me, anyway, and being silenced by telling me I've got it easy compared to someone else just causes me to be resentful and angry.

@Malteser71

I felt like this from the very beginning. To say it on MN was to risk taking a battering.

I’m glad it’s ok to say it now.

That's right, you just got shot down for daring to express your unhappiness with the situation.

It also lumps people who have been through both the Blitz and covid into one monolith, as though they all feel the same about the respective difficulties of both and have had identical experiences. In actual fact they're as diverse as any other age cohort. If this was a thread solely populated by over 85s they wouldn't all agree, any more than we do!

Don't get me wrong, I do very much acknowledge injustice. It's just that I favour action over sadness. Part of that action involves acknowledging our own power. I absolutely refuse to let injustice ruin my fun.

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

I'm one of the lucky ones, we lived lockdown. Our quality of life and mental health improved massively.

Yes, some groups of people, for example those with autism actually prefer to lock themselves away.