Someone somewhere needs to articulate the lost quality of life

[Gguin]

Firstly, I am not saying I think there shouldn't be restrictions as needed, masks, reduced social contact. I do. Just to reemphasise that, to prevent people misreading the title, I support and abide and have abided by restrictions, both statutory and advised.
I also hated every single second of the lockdown. I hated what it did to friends. I hated the disregard of single people. I hated the criminalisation of social lives. I hated the lost opportunities for young and not so young people to build or change their lives. I hated the paranoia and judgmentalism. I hated the NHS worship and everyone else can go hang.
And yes I hate this feeling, somewhere between anxiety, depression and a grinding underlying fear of future regret on all that has been lost. I drove past a pub in rural Ireland where I live today and it was shut, boarded up and probably will never reopen. The sign "craic agus ceoil" (laughter and music) was worn and frayed, like a relic of the times when we were able to enjoy themselves with abandon.
All I would like as the latest chapter of shit unfolds is for someone, somewhere to actually articulate the sadness of all the lost opportunities. The friends that have never been made, the months and years spent indoors, the catastrophic toll on mental health and above all this awful feeling that the many of the very things that make life worth living are so expendable and in some quarters, not even mourned.

@Lubballoo

I agree with a lot of what you say, OP. But I can't help but also think of the lives saved by the measures that have (in my view necessarily) been taken. The loved ones I might have lost who are still here.

And I'm grateful that I am still here too. Six months into covid I was diagnosed with cancer. Still having treatment now. So grateful the NHS has been able to treat me. It's been pretty tough on my primary aged kids in particular, as you can imagine.

I find it hard to read people saying that all the little things that make life joyful have been taken, that is way ott imo! It's a really, really difficult time for sure but there is still joy, hope, love, kidness. Music and laughter can still be found. I'm not sure anyone wants my advice, but for what it is worth: find that joy if you can x

So sorry you have had cancer and I hope that you are on the mend soon.

I wanted to make a comment that some people cannot find joy. I was shielding alone for months in a place where I knew no-one, until I moved overseas because I couldn't take it anymore.

Sometimes there is simply no joy in a situation. Shielding alone is like house arrest in solitary confinement. If you can still find some joy, it's probably because you have a pet, a family or someone living with you. Either that or you still see friends/family in some capacity.

[quote 1dayatatime]**@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

Why am I smug? Why is my truth any less valid than yours?

++++

I am not disputing that "your truth" is valid or not. The question is on smugness and whether exalting on your positive experience of lock down may appear smug to those that very clearly didn't

Imagine walking out of a restaurant and saying to a homeless person "wow I've had the most wonderful three course meal and it only cost £200, so how was your evening?" What you would have said maybe "your truth" but it can also appear smug and inappropriate.

However sayin[/quote]
Agreed completely @1dayatatime

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed you can think you're not being smug as much as you want.
Those of us who have had suicidal children. Who have lost 5 figure sums of money. Who've had businesses collapse. Who've been suicidal themselves. Reserve the right to think you're smug

I fit into to all the above so forgive me if I don't find it very palatable hearing about people have absolutely lived their best lives in lockdown to the detriment of so many others 🤷‍♀️

@IcedPurple I'm not trying to be trite or smug.

I just genuinely don't see the point in wallowing in misery.

We all know this won't last forever. We have to hold onto that.

I was in a bad place last summer, but I picked myself up and decided to start viewing things differently because otherwise I knew I wasn't going to cope. I always knew that this pandemic was going to be a long haul. It will have a long tail and we all need to learn to adapt in order to survive and thrive in its wake.

If you want to see now as a half life, then fine. But it is a choice to feel that way. You don't have to.

Life is still continuing, the world is still turning, there are still many things for us all to enjoy and celebrate. It saddens me to read so many people saying how awful they see their lives as being now and how miserable they are. If the pandemic has taught us anything, surely it should be to appreciate what we have, because nothing in life is guaranteed.

Thanks to the pandemic a close relative of mine's cancer diagnosis was repeatedly missed. She now has a couple of months left to live. It was a huge shock to all of us; we found out a few weeks ago. As devastating as this is, seeing how she is gathering every crumb of joy she can and making the most of every day has been a wonderful lesson to me. I don't want to waste another moment feeling sad about this pandemic because life is fucking short. I just thought I'd give another perspective rather than agreeing with all the misery. Sorry if that makes me 'smug' or 'trite'.

ILoveHuskies how is me living my life at the detriment of others?

No I would suggest the decision is made by medical experts just as they currently do, for example at a major trauma scene ranking and prioritising patients into; unlikely to survive, will survive if given urgent care, will survive but care can wait a bit, will survive, nothing much wrong with them but making a lot of noise / whinging.

You're describing more normal triage in a situation where the urgent care is nearly always available. It's not quite the same thing if you're triaging people under a massive wave of a new disease, so no one in your second category, who would "survive if given urgent medical care" can actually get that urgent medical care. Then what the doctor on the door has to do is send people away from the hospital even though they could easily survive. Those people could include people like women in labour, children with possible meningitis, people with appendicitis and so on. Imagine the trauma of a child whose mum dies at home in labour with their younger sibling, at the peak of a covid wave so large hospitals have to shut their doors? If the hospitals get overwhelmed, it wouldn't just be elderly people with covid they'd be having to turn away - it could be anyone. That's the scenario that keeps people awake at night. Whatever the solution we find at different points in the pandemic, it needs at the very least to stop that happening, as well as avoiding as much as possible of the damage caused by isolation and everything else associated with restrictions. It's a very fine tightrope to walk.

Shaking my head at the people who are coming on this board and invalidating how others feel about their own personal circumstances and telling them they should see the bright side; simply because their own lot in life has been better or their mental health before this pandemic started was more solid. It's smug and nasty.

I just genuinely don't see the point in wallowing in misery.

I don't see anyone 'wallowing'.

I just see people sharing their experiences about what has been a horrible time for us.

Your posts are a classic example of 'toxic positivity'. It's bad enough that people feel awful, but now here you are telling us how awful we are for feeling awful. It's not helpful. 'Looking on the bright side' which is hardly an original sentiment, works for some, and if it's worked for you that's great, but for many people enforced 'positivity' does more harm than good. Some of us feel better for acknowledging how rubbish these times are, and sharing our views in a way we might not feel comfortable doing in 'real life'.

What does it bother you if that's how some of us feel? People cope in different ways. Chastising people for feeling down really does come across as trite and smug.

Completely agree with everything you say OP - so well articulated. Not much to add really, except that it’s strangely cathartic to see so many people now expressing what I’ve felt since April 2020. I firmly believe that, years into the future, when all of this is analysed objectively, the cure will be judged to have been worse than the disease. And I am so, so angry at what the ‘cure’ has done to our children and young people.

My young DC used to love the library. Bright colourful friendly place, lots of cosy reading chairs and a drawing table and a book-themed treasure hunt the staff used to put on.

It was closed for ages, and then it was click-and-collect, and then it was browse by 15-min appointment “please ask ahead if you may need to bring a child with you but visit alone if you can.”

Then this summer it reopened properly and I took youngest DC who was maybe 6mo last time we were. The children’s room was open again. But the drawing table was gone, the big reading chairs all turned into the walls with “do not use” signs on them, the floor full of stickers marking out the one-way system you had to take round the shelves, with all arrows and “NO ENTRY” and “GIVE WAY” signs. Felt like someone had thoroughly drained all the joy right out of it.

Funny that, among so many heartfelt and eloquent posts, this is the one that resonated most, but it’s poignant because it reflects
my own experience with now 4 year old DD. On the admin desk of our local children’s library there is now a sign stating: ‘There are no children’s activities taking place at this library for the foreseeable future’.

Our children have lost so much.

The saddest part OP is that this is likely it for the foreseeable, life with Covid is pretty grim and depressing in the thick of the waves but things will ebb away eventually, so make the most of those times.

Finding the good in the bad whenever you can really does help. Things look impossibly bleak at the moment and are likely to get worse before rebounding, but spring will be here before you know it and things should hopefully start to reopen slowly once again. Hang in there!

Thank you for articulating this so beautifully OP. I haven't read the full thread. Phone died and it ran away from me. I'll will come back to it though.

@Thewiseoneincognito

The saddest part OP is that this is likely it for the foreseeable, life with Covid is pretty grim and depressing in the thick of the waves but things will ebb away eventually, so make the most of those times.

Finding the good in the bad whenever you can really does help. Things look impossibly bleak at the moment and are likely to get worse before rebounding, but spring will be here before you know it and things should hopefully start to reopen slowly once again. Hang in there!

FFS. “Actually OP it’s even WORSE than you imagine, it is horrible and will go on forever. But buck up and look on the bright side! I am being helpful 😇)

Is there not some joy you can go and leech elsewhere? Why don’t you pop along to one of the education threads and revisit your prediction for permanent remote learning, that’ll be fun for you.

I hear you op. to all who have posted so articulately about their struggles and experiences. I have felt so moved, so much resonates.

NC for this.

Covid triggered a series of catastrophic events for me and I was sectioned.

I will always resent how much people overlook this

I think what I find the saddest is the optimism and naivety I/we had at the start of this. I remember in March 2020 I started journaling, thinking that I was living through this moment in history that I wanted to capture to remember as everything felt so surreal. I was nervous and anxious, but I just remember feeling that this was just temporary. I stopped journaling about it eventually as it slowly dawned on me that this was just life now. I think one thing that sums it up is at the start of this I remember going for a walk and seeing so many rainbows in everyones' windows for the NHS. Then slowly but surely all of the rainbows disappeared as it slowly dawned on society that this wasn't just a few months of protecting the NHS.

But still, life goes on. Babies are still being born, couples still getting engaged and married, people are getting new jobs, graduating... The sun still rises and sets, the seasons still change. There's still good out there.

I'm not trying to invalidate how people feel. I get that it's shit. I'm living through it too. You have no idea of my personal circumstances or the state of my mental health.

What I'm saying is that conversations like this where everyone supports one another in a spiral of negative thinking is really damaging. When people say things like 'it's never going to end' or 'we're all living a half life', and there is affirmation from others that this is true and it's all dreadful and there's no hope, then that leads to more feelings of dread and hopelessness. It's really destructive. And it's rife on this site.

No one wants this. None of us do. I certainly don't. But I also don't want to live in a black hole of misery.

I didn't realise it was 'nasty' and 'smug' and 'toxic' to offer a different way of approaching the times we're living through. Sorry that I've come across as apparently being so offensive. I was just trying to give a different view.

’There are no children’s activities taking place at this library for the foreseeable future’.

I am growing very, very tired of life being valued only in its ability to transmit or contract covid. And especially for our children.

Currently trying to do backup plans for if we have to cancel big family Christmas again, because it depends on multiple households and a couple of people making long-distance train journeys. My DC are so so so looking forward to it. But. The train companies are already warning of cancellations, chances of nobody in that group isolating by Christmas are surely not great and that’s if that many households are allowed to mix.

I just want to live a life where my kids can hug their nana without fucking NASA-level planning and having to deal with all the tears if it can’t happen. “Never mind, we can catch up at Easter! You know, just like we said last year… oh dear, that didn’t work either did it.”

Can we never mention the bloody world wars again, or the Blitz?

Why not? Why do you think people today are so special that they should never have to suffer through hard times? As a pp said, we are tiny things on a tiny planet in infinity. There have always been bad times and there always will be, but many of you are lucky in that this is the first time you have experienced something which rocks your world - and you seem to think that you have it worse than anyone else ever did, and we can't possibly mention that others might in fact have lived through even worse times.

I didn't realise it was 'nasty' and 'smug' and 'toxic' to offer a different way of approaching the times we're living through.

I think your approach is genuinely well-meant, but starting off by talking about how you were living life just like 2019 and your example of a disappointment being a holiday in Cornwall rather than abroad are perhaps not the kind of bone-deep sadness people are talking about here.

@GoldenOmber too honest for your liking? 🤔

Last time I checked, I was free to post wherever I wanted 😇😘

[quote Thewiseoneincognito]@GoldenOmber too honest for your liking? 🤔

Last time I checked, I was free to post wherever I wanted 😇😘[/quote]
I know it’s hard for you to give a shit, but people are talking about actually being suicidal on this thread.

Could you please just once try to think of something other than the pleasure you get out of trying to scare people? Go do your “Zoom weddings forever yayyyyy” skit on AIBU and leave distressed people alone

What I'm saying is that conversations like this where everyone supports one another in a spiral of negative thinking is really damaging. When people say things like 'it's never going to end' or 'we're all living a half life', and there is affirmation from others that this is true and it's all dreadful and there's no hope, then that leads to more feelings of dread and hopelessness. It's really destructive. And it's rife on this site.

Sometimes people just want to feel like they aren't alone. And for some people it is a situation which has no joy, no light at the end of the tunnel, no positives. And asking them to find it when it isn't there isn't helpful.

@GoldenOmber

I didn't realise it was 'nasty' and 'smug' and 'toxic' to offer a different way of approaching the times we're living through.

I think your approach is genuinely well-meant, but starting off by talking about how you were living life just like 2019 and your example of a disappointment being a holiday in Cornwall rather than abroad are perhaps not the kind of bone-deep sadness people are talking about here.

I was responding to earlier posters who said they missed travel. Hence why I used that example.

And I am living my life like 2019 as much as I can, because actually, much of the stuff people are saying no longer exists, does. People were mentioning bars, restaurants, travel, music, etc. All of these things ARE available to us again now. They might not be exactly as they used to be, but they are still there. Yes it's annoying having to prebook, and wear a mask, and fill in forms and whatever, but we can still do them. If you focus on the bureaucracy, then it's deeply sad and depressing. If you focus on being able to do the activity, then it's not. As I said earlier, it's a state of mind. The first time I went back to an art gallery and had to follow a preplanned route and got shouted at for not being two metres away from someone else etc, I cried and said I would never go back. But then I found myself in front of my favourite painting and realised that THIS was the important thing - having access to the things I enjoyed again after so long - and I could handle the rest if I still got to do the things I loved. So that's my attitude.

But obviously my attitude doesn't fit the narrative on this thread so I'll bugger off. I genuinely only meant kindness, but it's obviously not being read that way. Apologies again for any offence given. It was not intended.

@HaaaaaveyoumetTed

What I'm saying is that conversations like this where everyone supports one another in a spiral of negative thinking is really damaging. When people say things like 'it's never going to end' or 'we're all living a half life', and there is affirmation from others that this is true and it's all dreadful and there's no hope, then that leads to more feelings of dread and hopelessness. It's really destructive. And it's rife on this site.

Sometimes people just want to feel like they aren't alone. And for some people it is a situation which has no joy, no light at the end of the tunnel, no positives. And asking them to find it when it isn't there isn't helpful.

Fair enough. I'll leave you all to it then. Sorry if I upset anyone.

@GoldenOmber not sure what made you feel you’re queen bee of this thread (again) but please show me which part of my post was insensitive and suggests I don’t give a shit?

@EnidSpyton

I'm not trying to invalidate how people feel. I get that it's shit. I'm living through it too. You have no idea of my personal circumstances or the state of my mental health.

What I'm saying is that conversations like this where everyone supports one another in a spiral of negative thinking is really damaging. When people say things like 'it's never going to end' or 'we're all living a half life', and there is affirmation from others that this is true and it's all dreadful and there's no hope, then that leads to more feelings of dread and hopelessness. It's really destructive. And it's rife on this site.

No one wants this. None of us do. I certainly don't. But I also don't want to live in a black hole of misery.

I didn't realise it was 'nasty' and 'smug' and 'toxic' to offer a different way of approaching the times we're living through. Sorry that I've come across as apparently being so offensive. I was just trying to give a different view.

I don't think you're trying to be smug or nasty. Sorry if my post was too harsh.

Perhaps you also have suffered during the pandemic. But I think you need to think carefully about what you assume about what other people are living through and whether it's possible to see the bright side.

I experienced a complete collapse in my mental health after many months shielding alone in a place where I knew no one (I had just moved.) This was in 2020.

I moved overseas because I could and I knew if I didn't move I would continue to spiral down. I was suicidal. My heart has been broken for those who were in that same situation and weren't able to escape. Some of them died from suicide. I met an ER doctor in my new country who spent that period of the pandemic in Ireland and he said that he didn't see many covid cases that year and the ER was mostly suicides and suicide attempts.

I think sometimes your situation is so bad, there is no way to see the bright side. It's OK to wallow for a while. You have to accept the situation in order to move past it. That's what people are doing on this thread. They are taking in the shittiness of it all and don't want to be cheered up at this moment in time. That is a valid part of grieving, rather than just bypassing.