Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

At its most charitable, it might be that his anxiety is out of control and he would already have more difficulty coping with anxiety than most, as evidenced by his OCD. And people with severe anxiety disorders can be very controlling in an effort to cope and extend this to controlling the people around them. But so much of what he is saying is complete rubbish it is hard to know where to start. Yes, you can still get Covid if you are vaccinated. But the chances are much lower, and lower still that you will die from it. Why does that seem a reasonable argument to you? He drinks alcohol to manage - does he balls. He likes drinking and this is his excuse. And the anxiety is not the reason he insists on you doing things you dont like, that is just being an arse.

@lottiegarbanzo

The thing is OP, you are not stupid for falling for his bullshit. He'll have been very convincing; he's been practising talking about himself, his fantasy self, all his life.

You didn't see a monster because you are not one. Everybody sees the world in terms of what they know.

Thank you @lottiegarbanzo I will keep this in mind otherwise I am just going to end up blaming and hating myself

This has got to be one of the most disturbing threads I’ve read on here.
You poor poor woman, you must be very gullible and naive, please, please for the sake of your son and your own sanity please leave this controlling monster because that is what he is.

And having bad things from your childhood does not make you verbally abusive to others. Since it is your house, I think you need him out as soon as possible so you can take some breathing space and decide for yourself what you want. One thing is clear though - his judgement is poor (he doesnt drink that much???!!!!!) and he is being abusive to you.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus

OP I really hope you are okay today, it must be so hard to read all of this and I am guesding you are quite angry at everything and yourself for allowing this to continue. He has lovebombed you. Men like him target vulnerable women to abuse. They are usually narcissistic abusers and look for a type. You sadly have allowed a bit of flattery from a possibly quite charismatic person to mean love where there is only control. Plesse work on your poor self esteem and self love. Better boundaries will stop this and future abusers too. My dad used to get drunk and play Pink Floydd really loud. As a kid it traumatised me. Even now if I hear that band it makes me physically ill. I hated my mum for many years for not stopping it. Do you want to end up with your son in your life? Do not allow this. Reading your replies you make excuses and minimise his vile behaviour. See him for the weak controlling bad man he is. Love is not controlling, abusive and dangerous with a few nice comments to keep you in check. Look at why you need that from him, so you dont attract another loser. I do not believe he has health problems. He would have symptoms. You have not known him long enough to really know his physical health. But he is destroying your physical and mental heslth, from lack of vitamin D, exercise, your own health appointments, fresh air and social contacts. Get out now before you are so broken it will be even harder. Thinking of you.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus you are right and it's not the first time. I seem to meet men who declare their undying love for me from day 1. Before I even think about how i really feel i allow myself to get bamboozled by it all.

He does have health problems. I've seen his blood pressure results, his meds, i know his parents died of similar diseases. He does suffer, I can see that he is ill. One time my mum managed to persuade him to go to A&E. After a scan they said there was damage showing on his heart. They wanted to keep him in but he refused.
When I called him out on it recently, he said he'd rather let the disease kill him than spend the rest of his life taking a multitude of tablets and having constant tests/scans/scares like his parents. His parents became debilitated and he does not want that. He does not want to end up a bed ridden stroke victim and force those around him to have to care for him. He cared for his own parents at a young age for many years. I pleaded with him to get some help last week, he has spent over a week trying to speak to his doctor, promised call backs (one time they had his old number, another time the dr was sent out on an emergency call etc etc) but nothing yet materialised.

@dustofneptune

OP - I hope you're ok. How are you doing?

I want you to understand something.

1. People who get into abusive relationships are not stupid. You are not stupid.

1. You do not need to be embarrassed. Your gut instinct is working for you. Listen to it. Don't stop listening to it.

1. You are likely repeating patterns caused by something that has happened earlier in your life. It's not your fault.

1. Dysfunctional/abusive people AREN'T all bad, all the time. If they were, leaving would be a no-brainer.

1. You will not change these parts of him by bending, pleasing, swallowing, serving, or giving. You will only enable them.

1. You'll feel guilty, thinking you're abandoning him. Don't. By staying, you are abandoning yourself. He has already abandoned you a thousand times over through his behaviour. You owe him nothing.

1. You won't believe how easily you discover the joy in life again, once you free yourself from this situation.

1. Don't be afraid of being single or never "finding anyone else". You'll be so elated to have your freedom back that this will become completely irrelevant. Relationships happen or not. It's not important.

1. A therapist can help you. Books on codependency and related topics can be great eye-openers. The next time you want to focus on him, what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he's saying - stop. Turn your focus back to yourself. What are you doing? What are you thinking?

10. Live your life. This is just a bad chapter. Show your sister this thread. Go see her. Get vaccinated if you want to be vaccinated. So much more is waiting for you.

Thank you for this @dustofneptune . And you know what one thing I have always really valued about my life (and always said is one of the benefits of being single) - my freedom. And yes, I should think me and DS are more important to me than he is, no matter how bad i feel for letting him go.

hen I called him out on it recently, he said he'd rather let the disease kill him than spend the rest of his life taking a multitude of tablets and having constant tests/scans/scares like his parents. His parents became debilitated and he does not want that. He does not want to end up a bed ridden stroke victim and force those around him to have to care for him. He cared for his own parents at a young age for many years. I pleaded with him to get some help last week, he has spent over a week trying to speak to his doctor, promised call backs (one time they had his old number, another time the dr was sent out on an emergency call etc etc) but nothing yet materialised.

He's making no sense at all - he doesn't want to end up bedridden...? Well he's nearly at that point anyway, due to not seeking medical help.

Honestly he sounds like a complete idiot.

@cakedup as your son was horrified about the police call… I can relate as my parents were awful together and we had police visits when I was a teen.

I was mortified because everyone on the street could see and everything is embarrassing as a teenager. As an adult I’m mortified the went through that as kids and young people and still probably affected from it all to be honest.

OP - I've read your update and honestly think a lot of what he says is complete rubbish. He just sees what he wants to see and twists the truth. For example - what he says about the scientists at your DD's university refusing to go back to work. My husband and I also work at a university famous for its scientific research. Who knows, perhaps it's the same university your partner's DD goes to. It's true that scientists (and other academics and members of staff) hadn't been coming to work. Do you know why? It's because the university is covering its back. It doesn't want old and vulnerable academics getting Covid and then suing the university. So to cover its back the university has told us all to work from home. Hardly any scientists have refused to come in. The only one I know who refused was a man in his 70s who had cancer (he was very frail and has since died of cancer). Now we have the choice to go in to university if we want and many of the scientists are very keen to get back. My husband is a senior scientist and professor and couldn't wait to get back to work. He's also very scared of Covid which is why he's double jabbed!! As a scientist he knows that vaccinations are key in getting back to normal. However, your partner tells you all this stuff "Oh look, the scientists refuse to go to work. They know the truth" and you just seem to accept whatever he says. It's not true!! Also as for unqualified people giving the jab - OF COURSE they've all had training. He just comes out with a load of nonsense to back up his strange beliefs and you're going along with it. I would question and investigate every claim he makes.

Just as reassurance if you wanted to use one: vaccine buses are completely safe. Often staffed by medics/nurses/care assistants working extra shifts for the cause ( and bank pay!!) that are all trained and qualified to give vaccines. volunteers may be used for paperwork or a support role in people management but not giving the medication! The buses will be thoroughly cleaned and safe.

He doesn’t want you to have the vaccine because you would then have more inclination to go out and about more and live your life which he doesn’t want. He wants you home and to live in fear.

Scientists all have different points of view and discussion regarding how we deal with the pandemic and lots of countries have acted differently. But I honestly don’t believe everyone is that is unsure of this countries methods are all sat at home for the last 20 months. Some may use more mitigation’s to keep themselves safe like masks and probably yes vaccines!!!

I work in the NHS on a ward, id say the majority of my intelligent/medically trained colleagues are out and about living their lives. They were first in line to get vaccinated.

Hi OP

I'm very sorry I only read the first few pages and the last page so I will have missed alot I'm sorry.

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Your posts are so heartbreaking I wanted to give you a hug. This seems an extremely abusive man and he has manipulated you and drawn you in. He has likely done this gradually so it can be hard to notice it happening. Plus COVID has given him the perfect excuse to enforce some things that he may otherwise not have got away with. I was so horrified as I read your posts by what he is doing to you. This is absolutely not your fault and absolutely nothing at all to do with "being stupid".

You are in no way to blame. You deserve so much better than this, so so much more. And so does your son. He may say he doesn't mind, but sometimes teenagers lack insight and it may take time for the ill effects to become apparent. And this will worsen with the longer both of you are subjected to this. Again, this is not on you, you have been manipulated and abused by your partner. And nothing to do with intelligence either.

I was extremely shocked when I read that you were only with your parter for a year before COVID? (I'm sorry if I got this wrong). From the first few posts I assumed you had been with him for 10 years or more. You have only known this man a very short amount of time yet have sacrificed everything for him. You have given up everything and sound like a prisoner for this man who does nothing to help himself. Your life has been reduced to simply an existence to help him while he does everything possible not to help himself and drinks to excess, refuses the vaccine, refuses to take medication etc. That's even without taking into account that he does nothing and is can be horribly nasty. You don't deserve that, it is emotional abuse. You sound an exceptionally caring and kind person who does so much for him but he does not deserve this from you. He has completely used you.

I'm sorry I'm not sure how to quote, but when you said he says he doesn't want to "force those around him to have to care for him". He has already forced you to sacrifice everything to care for him. If you stay with him, I do not believe things will change for the better, I think this will be your life forever. You deserve so much more than that. Life is short and precious and once it's done you don't get to try again. From experience, abusive people often escalate their abuse and I would be concerned this would happen to you, especially considering how bad it is already after such a short period of time.

Please do not blame yourself, or hate yourself or feel embarrassed, this is not your fault and you are not to blame. You deserve better than this. There is so much more exciting experiences and LIFE out there waiting for you.

Please please reach out for help and talk to people in real life who can help you, your silence can only benefit him. I think I read it was your home that he moved in to, so you have the right to ask him to leave. It is not your responsibility to find this grown man somewhere else to live. Any help can be given by his family and friends or if needed support from social services. If he refuses, or ever makes you feel unsafe please do not be embarrassed or hesitate to contact the police.

I am rooting for you and I hope that you and your son are able to escape this situation soon. You deserve so much better and there is so much more out there for you both. Please reach out to others and look after yourself and your son. Take care OP

@Youareworthmorethanthis

Hi OP

I'm very sorry I only read the first few pages and the last page so I will have missed alot I'm sorry.

I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Your posts are so heartbreaking I wanted to give you a hug. This seems an extremely abusive man and he has manipulated you and drawn you in. He has likely done this gradually so it can be hard to notice it happening. Plus COVID has given him the perfect excuse to enforce some things that he may otherwise not have got away with. I was so horrified as I read your posts by what he is doing to you. This is absolutely not your fault and absolutely nothing at all to do with "being stupid".

You are in no way to blame. You deserve so much better than this, so so much more. And so does your son. He may say he doesn't mind, but sometimes teenagers lack insight and it may take time for the ill effects to become apparent. And this will worsen with the longer both of you are subjected to this. Again, this is not on you, you have been manipulated and abused by your partner. And nothing to do with intelligence either.

I was extremely shocked when I read that you were only with your parter for a year before COVID? (I'm sorry if I got this wrong). From the first few posts I assumed you had been with him for 10 years or more. You have only known this man a very short amount of time yet have sacrificed everything for him. You have given up everything and sound like a prisoner for this man who does nothing to help himself. Your life has been reduced to simply an existence to help him while he does everything possible not to help himself and drinks to excess, refuses the vaccine, refuses to take medication etc. That's even without taking into account that he does nothing and is can be horribly nasty. You don't deserve that, it is emotional abuse. You sound an exceptionally caring and kind person who does so much for him but he does not deserve this from you. He has completely used you.

I'm sorry I'm not sure how to quote, but when you said he says he doesn't want to "force those around him to have to care for him". He has already forced you to sacrifice everything to care for him. If you stay with him, I do not believe things will change for the better, I think this will be your life forever. You deserve so much more than that. Life is short and precious and once it's done you don't get to try again. From experience, abusive people often escalate their abuse and I would be concerned this would happen to you, especially considering how bad it is already after such a short period of time.

Please do not blame yourself, or hate yourself or feel embarrassed, this is not your fault and you are not to blame. You deserve better than this. There is so much more exciting experiences and LIFE out there waiting for you.

Please please reach out for help and talk to people in real life who can help you, your silence can only benefit him. I think I read it was your home that he moved in to, so you have the right to ask him to leave. It is not your responsibility to find this grown man somewhere else to live. Any help can be given by his family and friends or if needed support from social services. If he refuses, or ever makes you feel unsafe please do not be embarrassed or hesitate to contact the police.

I am rooting for you and I hope that you and your son are able to escape this situation soon. You deserve so much better and there is so much more out there for you both. Please reach out to others and look after yourself and your son. Take care OP

@Youareworthmorethanthis thank you for your very kind post. It's so extremely confusing for me, I can see it's wrong yet I care for him very much. I will still feel like a heartless bitch for abandoning him when he most needs me. I do believe if it was the other way round he would give up everything to look after me - but probably all still stemming from being very co dependent. I sometimes feel his ideal world would be just him and me on an island. I have forced him to leave my home before and he stood outside the front door for 2 hours, speaking through the letter box, persisting I let him in whilst bombarding me with texts about how much he loved me etc. This means I will be forced to be cruel to get him to leave and stay away and it's just not in my nature, I am not looking forward to it.

Your partner is a controlling bum.

Chronic health conditions yet he's drinking all the time? O.K

Ditch it.

“I have forced him to leave my home before and he stood outside the front door for 2 hours, speaking through the letter box, persisting I let him in whilst bombarding me with texts about how much he loved me etc. This means I will be forced to be cruel to get him to leave and stay away and it's just not in my nature, I am not looking forward to it.”

That’s really controlling behaviour. And NOT loving.

OP, would it help if we gave you / you came up with suggestions on how to deal with this bit specifically? Like an action plan or even a script you can rehearse in your own mind?

He does not want to end up a bed ridden stroke victim and force those around him to have to care for him. He cared for his own parents at a young age for many years. I pleaded with him to get some help last week, he has spent over a week trying to speak to his doctor, promised call backs (one time they had his old number, another time the dr was sent out on an emergency call etc etc) but nothing yet materialised.

Read that first sentence. That's already happening isn't it, and he doesn't seem to mind. His refusal to use the medical help available to him, pills whatever, also show the length he's prepared to go to in order to keep you dancing attendance on him.

Get your jabs, you and ds - the sense of freedom you get is enormous! Please protect yourself against Covid as much as you can - I know there's a new variant and he'll use that as yet another excuse to keep you prisoner but ignore. There'll be a vaccine for that one in good time, too.

He does need to leave. You think you love him but you can't really tell when you've nothing else in your life. He knows that. He's taken advantage of the isolation that Covid brought, and run with it. Half his job was done for him. Don't do the other half. You are worth so much more.

yes, I should think me and DS are more important to me than he is, no matter how bad i feel for letting him go.

Remember that.

Tell him he has to leave on a specific day & time.
Be calm about it.
Can you have someone else there? so that he feels a fool whining through the letterbox, and you are stronger in resisting him.

I have forced him to leave my home before and he stood outside the front door for 2 hours, speaking through the letter box, persisting I let him in whilst bombarding me with texts about how much he loved me etc.

Dear God OP! If anyone did that to me I'd call the police to remove them and I strongly advise you to do that if he ever tries such a manipulative stunt again. When you get him out of your house, you will have to block his number or even get a new phone number or you'll be subjected to more of this manipulation and guilt tripping.

After everything you've told us, I'm amazed that you still love and care for this man, but I suspect that once you get him out of your life and reclaim it for yourself you'll realise that this isn't and never was love - for either of you. If he did actually love you, as opposed to enjoying the control he has over you, he would never treat you this way.

I am sorry if I sounded harsh you are very much in my thoughts, if you have recognised a relationship pattern its time to break that now. It sounds like a boundaries issue. Reading your recent posts there is a lot of blame on yourself to 'fix' him 'rescue' him and not abandon him. You are not his or anyone elses therapist, you matter, your son matters but during the last 18 months you have normalised this life and let his strong personality and values take you over.
Are you scared to kick him out in case you have to deal with the last 2 years? Be alone? His reaction will be telling. If he tries to stop the abuse, controlling and poor behaviours then he will go quietly and respect your boundaries, or will he kick off and replace you quickly with another therapist/ victim?
Tell him you want space for a bit and you will see how it goes in new year. If he genuinely cares he would be 'genius' enough to know you are serious.
Look I know its hard, but you need to take off the rose specs. He is a man not a project to fix. Fix your own self esteem and boundaries andyou may attract a healthy relationship in time.

OP, re the refusing to leave your doorstep:

I had a two year relationship at Uni. When I ended the relationship he turned up on my doorstep screaming and crying and swearing that if I did not take him back he would kill him self. I replied "Go on then if you want to, your choice." Then I told him if he didn't leave I would call the police.

He left. He didn't kill him self. Last I heard he was happily married with two kids.

At that point he had already guilted me into taking him back once by similar behaviour and I had felt terrible about hurting him. But then seeing the same manipulative behaviour on my doorstep something snapped and any sympathy for him was replaced by anger. I've never for a moment regretted it.

Find that anger, OP. Hold on to it and free yourself and your DS.

Your basically a cheap carer to him. No wonder he begged to stay.

Break this down a bit OP.

He doesn't want to bed ridden, yet he stays in bed all day
He doesn't want to force loved ones to care for him, yet you have to stay by him all day and can't go out
He doesn't want to get treatment despite saying he might die of it all

He's lived with you a year, did you say? Did you agree at any point to become his carer? He may well be genuinely ill. You never agreed to put your life on hold for him. He's responsible for his own health.

Exactly, FluffyCloudland!

In you, cakedup, he has not only an unpaid 24 hour carer, but an entertainer, a housekeeper and all the other .....ers that he's not doing at yours, and not doing for himself at his.

For £500 a month.

You will not find that decent man you want while you stick with the man you've got. Your ds could have a great role model, but what he's seeing is how to make someone else do everything for you. It's a relatively short time for ds so show him what happens when you treat someone like a skivvy and kick the excuse-for-an-adult to fuck.

Yeah, he doesn't want any of that to happen on other people's terms. He's the big man and he wants to be in charge of his own (and his minions') destiny.

OP I think people on this thread can't know for certain what your partner's motivations are and how ill he actually is or not and how intelligent he actually is.

He might be intentionally faking a fear of covid and dissuading you from having the vaccine to control you and overplaying his symptoms to give himself an excuse to lie around and drink or he might actually be extremely afraid of covid and of the vaccine and his anxiety is manifesting as controlling behaviour and he might genuinely feel ill and be using alcohol as a way to try to cope with that. I don't think someone necessarily needs to intend to abuse in order to be abusive - they may feel that their behaviour is rational and reasonable and there may be underlying reasons for it.

It is very clear that your partner is controlling, whether or not he intends to be, and that the life he appears to want is completely incompatible with you and your son having a happy normal life. And even if he is in the throes of a mental health / anxiety crisis right now it doesn't sound at all likely that you will be able to "fix" him because he is starting from a position of such suspicion of the medical profession and lack of desire to help himself.

I just didn't want you to read the thread and think that because some of the comments about your partner don't ring true to you, you should ignore the underlying message.

I agree with a previous poster, the issue isn’t covid it is your DP. He sounds like he is in a bad place and he is taking you down with him. Do not allow this for you and your son, you deserve better.