Struggling with post covid life

[cakedup]

I know we've all been impacted by covid and i know things could be so much worse. But I've come to a point where I'm really struggling. I'm living an entirely different life.

Live at home with my teen ds and dp. DP has very strong views about covid and we've been very careful. DP comes from a science background and is extremely intelligent (not just my opinion!). He is very protective and wants to do everything to stop us from getting covid. His own teen ds who lives elsewhere, got covid and now has long covid. He strongly disagrees that I let my ds go to tesco every day to get lunch. I do this because ds only just started 6th form and it's a big deal for him, his friends go. And it's the first time in years he has started eating lunch at school (that's another story).

DS wants to go the cinema in a few weeks and wants to do the DoE award. DP won't agree and will argue the case. I definitely want him to do the DoE because it's important to him - even though this will mean more exposure to covid. If he gets covid and worse long covid, then of course I will regret it. Cinema I suppose is not essential and an unnecessary risk so may put a stop on that. But I just want him to have a fun normal life. He doesn't ask for much and he has had anxiety issues in the past. I want him to do things that make him happy.

Since covid began I've not been anywhere except for one visit to my dad who has cancer. I've not even been to a shop. Just to the local shitty park. In the last 18 months my mum has visited a handful of times, I've seen my cousin once and that's it. Not seen friends at all.

I've been working from home. I used to love my job, I'd say so regularly, and now I dread it. My job use to involve being out and about - in schools mainly, and I was so proud of my work. I no longer feel i have any value and feel so de motivated.

I live in London and don't drive. Don't feel comfortable using public transport. Had a couple of opportunities in work to visit local outdoor places but DP is adamant it's not worth the risk getting on the tube.

Partner has health problems and not getting the medical help he needs. He is incapacitated most of the day, staying in bed, and I sit on the bed working on my laptop to keep an eye. He is on the brink of either a stroke or a heart attack as well as other health issues. He gets up to work from home in the afternoon/evening. Then he drinks every evening to alleviate his symptoms so he can carry on working. Every day I wonder if this is the day I will find him dead. Or who will die first, him or my dad.

DP is very caring, loving and attentive usually but his poor health and the drinking does not bring out the best in him.

I dread Fridays. Every Friday DP plays loud music and drinks more than usual (he's always done this, pre covid and pre ill health). I don't enjoy listening to music in this way so regularly (would rather read a book) but DP says he hates doing it alone and the one thing he enjoys. Sometimes he'll get too drunk and be unkind. I'm an introvert and I don't like constant noise, it stresses me. DP doesn't get this and when he drinks (every day), the tv/music volume is just so loud. May sound like a minor thing but every day, I sit there feeling uncomfortable with the loud rumble of tv that fills my head.

We use to go for a walk every morning but not since DPs condition worsened (over the last few weeks).Sometimes we go in the evenings but I kind of prefer daylight!

I watch tv every day, something I never used to do as I don't really enjoy it. I've stopped speaking to friends as all they do is try and convince me it's safe out there and they've given up on me now.

I do all the cooking and cleaning, all of it. DP promised a dishwasher but when covid hit he won't even entertain someone coming in to install it. DP can't help with housework because of his health, although even before that he worked longer hours than me so I would do it all. DS has chronic OCD and chores just make it worse. So it feels like groundhog day, every day watch DP suffer, work in a job i dislike, cleaning and cooking. Despite being at home I don't have time to do anything else I enjoy. Every night I end up washing up after 11.30pm.

I feel like i have nothing to look forward to. I used to love Christmas. But I won't see anyone, we won't go anywhere. I used to even enjoy staying indoors and xmas tv bingeing but now it's no different to what I normally do.

I'm sorry if this sounds like a moan fest. DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. So I feel alone with it, can't even talk to anyone about it. Of course the last thing i want to do is insist on not being so covid conscious then passing on covid to DP. It will probably kill him.

I married into a family of scientists and one of my sons is studying a science based subject at university as a postgraduate. I am talking about proper scientists with degrees and published papers. They don't go round proclaiming they are geniuses. They do not consult with school dropouts on scientific matters.

My husband's speciality is statistics so I think we can assume he knows a bit about risk. We are all double vaxed. Yes there may be some unknown risk in the future from having the vaccine but right now there is a very clear risk of dying of covid or being disabled by covid without the vaccine. Yes, some people who are vaccinated do get infected. The vaccine is not 100% and some people may not have time to build up immunity after having the vaccine before they got infected. The thing though is that the vaccine really reduces your chances of dying.

Life with your "DP" is just grim. No fun, you doing all the housework and cooking and are trapped, friendless, at home. You say that every night you end up washing up after 11.30pm and nobody can even come in to install a dishwasher. Your son must be appalled. You say that DP is a very private person and does not like anyone knowing about his health. That's because there's probably nothing much wrong with him other than being a drunk.

Your first step is to go and get vaccinated and get your son vaccinated as well. Then you tell your "partner" to leave. Get the police to remove him if necessary and change the locks. You're not putting him on the street - he's got a house and you've only been seeing him for around a year. If necessary, tell him that your son has been infected and will be coming home to self-isolate. That should get a bomb under him and you should help him pack as he flees to his own house. Change the locks.

"If necessary, tell him that your son has been infected and will be coming home to self-isolate"

I was actually thinking...tell him YOU have got it.

But, I suspect he isn't scared of Covid or the vaccine. If he is telling the truth about this one thing though, it will get him out if the house in a very convenient way for you to change the locks.

“No, DS is only 16. I try to keep him out of it although I'm ashamed to say that he was obviously aware when I called the police and they came to the house. ”

Please don’t kid yourself. You are being abused by your controlling alcoholic partner. As a child living in a household with DV he is considered to also be a victim of domestic abuse. Living with an alcoholic makes it more likely that he will develop alcoholic problems. He will be aware that your ‘partner’ is controlling but your behaviour is telling him that your ‘partner’s’ behaviour is acceptable and normal so you are teaching your child that this is what a relationship will be like. Him being aware that you called the police is much better than him thinking that your partner is a good role model.

The PP is right unless you get rid of your partner then your son will move out sooner rather than later. As it stand he has a choice of staying in an abusive house or sofa surfing. Both situations are far from ideal but that unless there is a kind other adult who is willing to take him in or you get rid of your ‘partner’ then this his life, abuse or homelessness. He may leave now or it maybe a couple of years but unless you do something he will leave.

I know this is a harsh thing to say to a victim of abuse but you are not the only victim here. Your child is a victim of the same coercive control you are.

Op - I think your low self - esteem is the reason you're putting up with this life. You seem almost in awe of your partner, his perceived intelligence and the fact that he's (supposedly) highly regarded by others. You see yourself as not attractive or charming and not a catch. Therefore you've been living under the illusion that you've been lucky to have him, how lucky that a man such as him would want to be with you! But it's all rubbish. None of that is true!! You're living a truly miserable life. Do you really love him OP? Do you love him when he's blasting music in YOUR house for hours on end even though he knows you don't like it. Do you love him when he's repeatedly getting drunk and abusive and saying cruel things? Do you love him at 11.30 at night when you're doing the washing up? Do you love him when you've had to call the police? When he refuses to leave YOUR house when you've asked? Do you love him when you've been a prisoner in your house for so long, not even visiting a shop or seeing a friend? And most importantly, do you love him for interfering in YOUR son's life, giving him a hard time for wanting to live a normal life (a son who already suffers with anxiety and OCD). I doubt you really love him. It's more that you were brainwashed in to thinking he was too good for you when actually you're too good for him. Are you scared of him? Scared to leave him because of how he might react?

I don't need to hammer the point home any further so I hope you are OK this morning, this many people saying the same thing must be overwhelming. I hope you get chance to speak truthfully with your sister.

Ever heard the expression blind drunk?
It happens. I used to know someone who went blind, not because of high BP, but due to the large quantities of alcohol he was consuming. (He's dead now.)
See also pissed, legless and other euphemisms that have developed for a reason.

He is a complete idiot if he is both terrified of covid AND not letting you or him get vaxxed.
Get vaxxed and start living your lives.

I feel my last post was too strong but just wanted to say I hope you're OK. Be kind to yourself. I know it's not easy to leave someone even when you're unhappy. I was in the same situation for 9 years (my ex seems similar to your partner in many, many ways). When we finally split up I cried for 24 hours in sadness then just felt this immense sense of relief and lightness. I wish you all the very best and I hope you don't feel too battered by some of these posts (mine included). It's only because we can see how unhappy you are.

@cakedup how are you this morning? Yesterday must have been a maelstrom for you. I hope that you have managed to glean some strength from everyone here. What’s your plan for today? I hope you perhaps manage to get some fresh air at least - it’s extremely fortifying!

Hope your ok @cakedup. This thread was a lot to take for you. I’m hoping because you posted maybe deep down you knew this wasn’t right. You are stronger than you think and the fact you contacted your sister shows this. That took some strength to admit.

None of this is your fault. He has played a clever game with you that you couldn’t see. I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a unanimous thread on here with everyone on the same page. Also if you struggle to listen to strangers then get in touch with those you trust. Your sisters message speaks volumes. Friends you’ve lost touch with or not seen are probably worried and waiting for you.

I know you may not want to be alone. But this is no life and being alone and free to have your own choices, opinions and actions will be a million times better. Think also of your son and if you want him to see this happening and think it is normal?

Lots of good advice on here, and plenty more available I’m sure.

This situation os absolutely dreadful, he is gaslighting you and controlling you and by default your DS.....

Please let the scales fall from your eyes op, his views on Covid make no sense, get you and Ds vaccinated as fast as possible then your life can mostly return.

Once double vaccinated start going out. but just be sensible no large gatherings etc.

You are barely living but there is nothing stopping you changing this, he needs to go.

One of the first things abusers do is isolate you from your support network. Covid has enabled this to happen very easily and allowed it to continue.

I agree with the other posts that your son is impacted. I grew up with a controlling alcoholic. It's not nice and impacts your life forever.

Yes, your son is going to run far and fast as soon as he can, and will struggle to form normal relationships as an adult, because he's never seen one modelled. Living with self-respect, alone, putting the person who depends upon you first, is healthy.

The problem with this sort of upbringing for a boy, is that he will see all women as victims and potential victims. That's a sympathetic stance (unless he chooses to exploit it) but being hyper-attuned to power imbalances won't help him understand or trust women as equals, so form healthy relationships. He may well despise all women as weak and malleable.

There is help available. There's Women's Aid, there's social services for your son (prob not serious enough for much involvement but I don't know that, they can tell you), there's the police for assistance in getting this man out of your house.

I realise I've met a few chippy, thwarted 'geniuses' who 'advise' academics etc (bother them with obsessive correspondence), believe the world owes them yet is inexplicably against them and who simultaneously place women on pedestals and tear and beat them down, because they're failing to be the perfect soul-tending Madonna they believe they 'deserve'.

Yes, they prey upon kind women who are willing to listen to their woes. Good, thoughtful, interesting, helpful women, whose only mistake is to imagine these men will be grateful for the amount of sympathy and support they are able to give; that they might reciprocate, that they will not demand the world, drain you dry, then batter you, emotionally, verbally, possibly physically, for not being their perfect life-saving angel.

The thing is OP, you are not stupid for falling for his bullshit. He'll have been very convincing; he's been practising talking about himself, his fantasy self, all his life.

You didn't see a monster because you are not one. Everybody sees the world in terms of what they know.

OP I really hope you are okay today, it must be so hard to read all of this and I am guesding you are quite angry at everything and yourself for allowing this to continue.
He has lovebombed you. Men like him target vulnerable women to abuse. They are usually narcissistic abusers and look for a type.
You sadly have allowed a bit of flattery from a possibly quite charismatic person to mean love where there is only control.
Plesse work on your poor self esteem and self love. Better boundaries will stop this and future abusers too.
My dad used to get drunk and play Pink Floydd really loud. As a kid it traumatised me. Even now if I hear that band it makes me physically ill. I hated my mum for many years for not stopping it. Do you want to end up with your son in your life?
Do not allow this. Reading your replies you make excuses and minimise his vile behaviour. See him for the weak controlling bad man he is. Love is not controlling, abusive and dangerous with a few nice comments to keep you in check. Look at why you need that from him, so you dont attract another loser.
I do not believe he has health problems. He would have symptoms. You have not known him long enough to really know his physical health. But he is destroying your physical and mental heslth, from lack of vitamin D, exercise, your own health appointments, fresh air and social contacts. Get out now before you are so broken it will be even harder. Thinking of you.

OP - I hope you're ok. How are you doing?

I want you to understand something.

1. People who get into abusive relationships are not stupid. You are not stupid.

1. You do not need to be embarrassed. Your gut instinct is working for you. Listen to it. Don't stop listening to it.

1. You are likely repeating patterns caused by something that has happened earlier in your life. It's not your fault.

1. Dysfunctional/abusive people AREN'T all bad, all the time. If they were, leaving would be a no-brainer.

1. You will not change these parts of him by bending, pleasing, swallowing, serving, or giving. You will only enable them.

1. You'll feel guilty, thinking you're abandoning him. Don't. By staying, you are abandoning yourself. He has already abandoned you a thousand times over through his behaviour. You owe him nothing.

1. You won't believe how easily you discover the joy in life again, once you free yourself from this situation.

1. Don't be afraid of being single or never "finding anyone else". You'll be so elated to have your freedom back that this will become completely irrelevant. Relationships happen or not. It's not important.

1. A therapist can help you. Books on codependency and related topics can be great eye-openers. The next time you want to focus on him, what he's doing, what he's thinking, what he's saying - stop. Turn your focus back to yourself. What are you doing? What are you thinking?

10. Live your life. This is just a bad chapter. Show your sister this thread. Go see her. Get vaccinated if you want to be vaccinated. So much more is waiting for you.

Why is dp not getting the medical help he needs? Is that due to fear of covid?

I imagine it is more likely that it is because whoever he saw would tell him to knock the drinking on the head, if he doesn't see anyone he can continue to believe he is 'self-medicating'.

I also wonder what his dating track record is like OP ? Wouldn't suprise me if this is a theme throughout his past relationships.

OP, I think you are possibly overwhelmed. I think you can do two things even if you can''t ask him to leave:

(1) Go get vaxxed. Take a friend if need be. No need to tell your DP.
(2) Call your sister and if you can't visit her, talk to her daily.

This is absolutely shocking op. Leave him, feet vaccinated, get your life back.

*get vaccinated

I bet that part of why he isn't getting the help he needs is that he hates coming face to face with real authority figures, like doctors.

People who will have no tolerance for his arrogant bullshit, tell him straightforwardly that he's wrong and needs to conduct his life differently = make him feel small.

He'd rather be delusional then dead, than feel small.

Why is dp not getting the medical help he needs? Is that due to fear of covid?

I wouldn’t think so. I’d say it’s because they would tell him, in a professional and politically correct manner, that he is an utter dickhead.

He’ll be told to knock the drink off and will be put on therapy to enable him to function normally. I’m guessing this is a fear he has as a) he would be called out on his drinking and b) it would mean there would be no reason he couldn’t partake in normal life duties such as food shopping, cooking and picking up a vacuum in the house, also meaning he has no reason to laze around in bed all day being waited on. I suspect both of these prospects scare him shitless.

Good morning and thank you, I am ok.

@Rangoon thank you for the sciency input, it's helpful. He has a strong interest in science (whereas I am fairly ignorant). He often backs up what he says with science info but I'm aware anything can be misinterpreted. He always gives the impression that the scientists are appalled at the way covid has been handled, that they are practically begging for a lock down. He uses his dd's uni as an example (well know for science research) saying that none of the science lecturers have been in since the start of covid. Even says his dentist hasn't been back to work since covid began. We were walking in the park one time and there was a vaccine bus right there. I said, let's do it, let's just get it done and he asked me if I was mad, to go to a non medical setting to get vaccinated by probably unqualified people. Maybe he was right about that.

The intelligence thing has derailed things a bit. I'm not completely stupid - he is very capeable of mind. All i was trying to portray is that it can be difficult dealing with someone like that. But just bcause he is clever doesn't mean he makes the right choices. I've said to him many times, just because you know more than me doesn't mean you are always right and my opinion counts.

I'm not even sure he is an alcoholic since he has only started drinking daily for the last few weeks. And he's not really the addictive type. However, he does currently have a drinking problem.

I'm not going to lie and say we have covid and actually it won't make a difference because he would just want to look after us, not leave.

The most upsetting things I've read on here are about DS. I have spoken to him in the past, said it's his house too and would he rather dp didn't live here but he just said it makes no difference to him and he doesn't care either way. But I know this is far from ideal and I just hope I haven't caused any long term damage for ds in any way. I do normally put him first in everything. I think the fact that dp is now drinking every day is enough 'ammunition' for me to tell dp that he can't stay here, I can't have ds witnessing that.

Him being aware that you called the police is much better than him thinking that your partner is a good role model @Fallagain DS was absolutely horrified I called the police! He seemed to blame me for being over dramatic although I did play it (the reason why I called them) down.

@SallyWD I do feel i love and care for him, ys. But i hate him when he has said nasty things to me etc and I tell myself at the time, that's it, he HAS to leave, this is the real you thinking right now. But the next day he apologises, begs and manipulates. I'm not scared of him, I'm not really a fearful person. However, last friday, he got very drunk and started calling me names and i had a physical reaction - like a sort of trembling but inside.

I think i had particularly low esteem yesterday but I don't think I'm completely worthless or that he's too good for me at all.

@Summersdreaming @SallyWD @VanCleefArpels @Sprostongreen21 it is very overwhelming, a lot to take in. Last night it made me go the other way a bit i.e I was cuddling up to him thinking this might be one of the last times I do. I know this sounds awful but I am almost hoping he will act up terribly tonight to give me springboard to act and so its not out of the blue for him.

@Sprostongreen21 I never to used to be frightened of being alone. But I think back and realise that sometimes when I used to get a hollow feeling that I was just a bit lonely. It's just little things like when you stub your toe and there's someone there to console you, you read something funny and can immediately share it with someone, the cat gets ill and there's someone there to give you a 2nd opinion etc. Just companionship I suppose.

@lottiegarbanzo interesting what you say....when we first met, he told me distressing things about his childhood that he's never told anyone. To be honest i seem to bring this out in people generally, it's only in recent years that at times I've had enough of people treating me like their counsellor.