Does anyone else find it difficult to look back?

[MyBadHabitsLeadToYou]

I can’t sleep. Down a Facebook wormhole and come across lots of posts from March 2020 on the nursery Facebook page. They put the info up there about the closure and the page was used as a little way for the staff to see what the kids were up to. Parents uploaded photos and videos and comments etc. There is a wee video montage thing from all the staff holding up rainbows etc.

It makes me want to sob, looking back at it.

It’s funny. I’m not a crier. I am a generally pragmatic, practical person. March 2020 onwards - that first lockdown - was however a horrific time for us. Trying to work from home all of a sudden in stressful, full on jobs with 2 and 4 year old at home. My mental health still hasn’t recovered.

I kept a video diary of that first lockdown with the kids and all the stuff we did. Thought it would be interesting for them to look back on it one day (I just felt at the time I needed to document it) but I can’t watch it back now. It makes me feel..sad? Anxious? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

Totally agree, we made the best of it and all our friends and family made it through unscathed but I find it so hard to look at photos I took from those times. I don’t feel sad necessarily maybe more of an anxious, uneasy feeling.

@SMBH

“ Those calling for further lockdowns lack empathy and soul.”

I actually would go further and say that for a proportion there is a certain satisfaction in us feeling this way. Like we (perceived as “smug mums” or whatever) are finally getting our comeuppance. They delight in our anxiety and our feelings of precariousness

This is projection.

Try not to interpret people negatively, it isn't healthy.

I think perhaps this is why I’m dreading this winter: the memories of the last one and the fear it might be the same.

I got by okay with the first lockdown. Nice weather, summer was just starting after a dismal winter and it was all a bit surreal. I was also thankful I didn't live in cramped conditions or have young children to deal with etc.

The worst was January-February 2021. Hideous. Lockdown, winter, bad weather, shit months in a normal year and the grimness of well over a thousand dying a day in January. Thank god for the vaccines being rolled out to at least provide some hope.

No, to be honest, my life carried on pretty much the same.,
I lost my husband 8 years ago, that was miles worse, no comparison.
So I had already had to adapt to a very different way of life that was permanent rather than temporary.

And that bloody tier business - we had booked dinner with 4 friends 1 mile down the road, we went into tier 3 they didn’t, one couple told us not to come! I will never get over that. The tiers was just the worst. It’s crazy when you look back that a mile could have made a difference of going out for dinner!

I feel numb and can't remember lots of things, it's as if the last year and a half has blurred into one. I have no sense of the timeline anymore.

A lot of the things people are describing are absolutely normal reactions to traumatic events. With time and support, things will fade for many people, whilst others will need some professional help and may be diagnosed with PTSD.

The funny thing about PTSD is that its occurrence and severity doesn't necessarily correlate to the level of actual trauma of the event that caused it, and so it's really not helpful to 'compare' traumas, because it's how much danger you felt you or a loved one were in at that moment (or over the episode), how safe you felt, how supported you were, past experience and especially past trauma etc that determine how the trauma affects you long term.

Whilst looking for the positives can be helpful, especially finding tiny moments of joy in the moment, it can also increase the suffering of someone, even increase the trauma, if someone's suffering is downplayed and they begin to feel guilty because 'other people have it worse' etc.

Oh bless you lannistunut, I have been on mumsnet a long time and it’s always attracted a certain proportion of posters like I describe, pandemic or no, they tell you it’s their view upfront! No need to interpret negatively or project anything at all :)

@Schulte

I find it much harder to look further back, to pre pandemic life. How happy we were. How easy everything was. I mourn the life we had and I am so scared it will never return.

I so relate to this. My life wasn't easy, but it was easier and definitely happier. It's so difficult to think about. And yes, I also worry it won't return. Not the way it was. It makes me very sad.

I think for me, my life before wasn't perfect or always easy but at the very least you could try different things to improve things or at least distract yourself from stress. Being trapped in the house with a 2 year old and nowhere to go and only so much to get through the long hours when I was used to being allowed to go to places and take advantage of toddler activities was just nightmarish.

I agree some people absolutely loved the smug mummy suffering. All that "there were no groups in my day" "well the very idea of soft play makes me shudder so why are you complaining" "I didn't want to do NCT so why do you". Just nasty

I relate to a lot of this. For me it was not being able to see my family who live abroad, for over 18 months. Also, the level of compliance and curtain twitching of neighbours and even some friends is hard to think about now. It made me realise that many would gleefully go along with an oppressive authoritarian regime and report their neighbours. I remember during first lockdown I would arrange to 'accidentally ' bump into a friend walking our dogs in the same field to have a socially-distanced chat. One neighbour came over to tell us she'd 'seen us and you've been chatting for over 10 mins'. And we felt we'd better be onbour separate ways. Bonkers, looking back!

We as a family did really well out of lockdown, as horrible as it sounds covid was a good thing for us which makes me feel very guilty. I suspect how you feel is the norm though. Sending hugs

I try not to look back as I feel shocked, upset and angry. The rug was pulled from underneath all of our feet, we lost control of our lives over night. The uncertainty, no idea when it would end, what would happen next was awful. I live away from friends and family, now when I think how we were not allowed to see them it seems horrific and hard to imagine that I would even accept that. I think it has left scars.