Does anyone else find it difficult to look back?

[MyBadHabitsLeadToYou]

I can’t sleep. Down a Facebook wormhole and come across lots of posts from March 2020 on the nursery Facebook page. They put the info up there about the closure and the page was used as a little way for the staff to see what the kids were up to. Parents uploaded photos and videos and comments etc. There is a wee video montage thing from all the staff holding up rainbows etc.

It makes me want to sob, looking back at it.

It’s funny. I’m not a crier. I am a generally pragmatic, practical person. March 2020 onwards - that first lockdown - was however a horrific time for us. Trying to work from home all of a sudden in stressful, full on jobs with 2 and 4 year old at home. My mental health still hasn’t recovered.

I kept a video diary of that first lockdown with the kids and all the stuff we did. Thought it would be interesting for them to look back on it one day (I just felt at the time I needed to document it) but I can’t watch it back now. It makes me feel..sad? Anxious? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

In some ways it’s comforting to find others who are actually just very pissed off with the way we’ve all been treated over the past 18 months and who are desperately trying to navigate themselves and their families through it. But I really do think it’s time this was all just over with. Yes the virus is still there and I can’t wish it away but why are we all having to continue living like this. We know all about this virus now, we know who is most likely to have a problem, we know the symptoms, we know how to test, we have vaccines, exactly why is everything still restricted and depressing? Ditch the whole bloody lot, passports, plastic screens, masks, signs, announcements, limits on numbers, bubbles, travel restrictions, booking in advance and let’s get on with our lives.

I’ve had PTSD therapy after 2020. It really helped to talk to someone outside the family. It felt indulgent - I’m just one person in a traumatised society - but I can only look after me, and it was the right thing to do. Would really recommend to others.

I do think the world will be a happier place once we've all accepted our new way of life.

ODFOD

@banoffeee

Lockdown was horrendous for me- stuck home with an autistic toddler slightly older child. Small, cramped mid-terrace house with tiny garden, trying to deal with screaming meltdowns daily whilst worrying about the neighbours (who were thankfully lovely but many would not have been). It was dreadful and there really was no ‘positive to take from it’. The people who talk about enjoying the slower pace of life in lockdown or how they made the best of it are talking from a very privileged position.

Especially as that 'slower pace of life' was mostly available to them all along. They don't need lockdown imposed on the whole country so they could make better lifestyle choices.

Especially as that 'slower pace of life' was mostly available to them all along. They don't need lockdown imposed on the whole country so they could make better lifestyle choices

Exactly this.

I shall go barmy if arts council grants go to innumerable dance/poetry/drama representations of the pandemic. We do not want them!!!!

I worry this will happen, and it’ll all be done by “wasn’t the slower pace of life wonderful!” people because the rest of us never want to think about it ever again!

Funnily enough I was looking back fondly yesterday. Social life back to normal and I hate it. Got to make some changes in my life. I loved lockdown. I was still working for NHS.

Especially as that 'slower pace of life' was mostly available to them all along. They don't need lockdown imposed on the whole country so they could make better lifestyle choices

Absolutely

Don’t get me started on those people who needed a lockdown to have the quiet family Christmas they always dreamed of. FFS.

Now, here we are. Trying to rebuild our lives but I have this sense of it not being allowed. I can't settle into my life now for fear of it all being ripped away again.

You have just put into words exactly the way feel but I wasn't able to identify it. Thank you.

I also agree with the PP who said how draining the constant making of meals/tidying up was. I used to love cooking but I feel like all the joy of it has been sucked away.

@TheKeatingFive

Especially as that 'slower pace of life' was mostly available to them all along. They don't need lockdown imposed on the whole country so they could make better lifestyle choices

Absolutely

Don’t get me started on those people who needed a lockdown to have the quiet family Christmas they always dreamed of. FFS.

Ah yes!! Totally. So annoying.

Don’t get me started on those people who needed a lockdown to have the quiet family Christmas they always dreamed of. FFS

Infuriating!! Why must the rest of us suffer because some people dont know how to say "no"

Interesting to see others talking about songs and videos and CBeebies jingles as the things really associated with memories from that time.

That first lockdown felt like this weird divide between a lovely bright colourful cover of fun songs and TikTok videos and RaaRaa The Noisy Lion on for 341 times a day, papered over this miserable time we were having with everything else. A thousand deaths a day and my work phone going ping ping ping as I tried to change nappies and my livewire happy eldest child just lying on the floor for hours staring into nothing, and nothing I could do because work work work kids work work kids stay up till 2am try to get a Tesco delivery for my dad and reading emails about people I knew in hospital on oxygen… and over all of it there’s “Raa Raa, you are, a noisy little lion! Raa Raa, you are, louder than them all!”

I actually do get the issues around saying no to things, and the impact of obligations around relationships, particularly for women who often have to maintain these. But that is a completely separate issue, and if you want pandemic conditions and restrictions to continue so that you don’t have to deal with that head-on then you need to consider getting help with that, because what you are asking other people to do for your comfort is unreasonable and controlling.

I remember sitting on my bed wfh, dealing with a case where a 10yo boy had jumped out of his first floor bedroom window to escape the abuse he was getting from his mum. He broke both legs and dragged himself on his elbows to his neighbours house.

Jesus. This is the part of the pandemic that broke my heart. All the children who suffered, so much in abusive households. Poor souls x

@NannyAndJohn

Everyone will be so much happier once they have resigned themselves to living the way that I enjoy.

Not what I was getting at in the slightest. I was hoping to encourage people to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Really? Are you going to tell us it’s the light from an incoming covid train?

I’m glad you don’t name change because it makes it easier for me to ignore your drivel. Every thread there you are with your joy.

@GoldenOmber

Interesting to see others talking about songs and videos and CBeebies jingles as the things really associated with memories from that time.

That first lockdown felt like this weird divide between a lovely bright colourful cover of fun songs and TikTok videos and RaaRaa The Noisy Lion on for 341 times a day, papered over this miserable time we were having with everything else. A thousand deaths a day and my work phone going ping ping ping as I tried to change nappies and my livewire happy eldest child just lying on the floor for hours staring into nothing, and nothing I could do because work work work kids work work kids stay up till 2am try to get a Tesco delivery for my dad and reading emails about people I knew in hospital on oxygen… and over all of it there’s “Raa Raa, you are, a noisy little lion! Raa Raa, you are, louder than them all!”

You've described it so vividly. Yes. I didn't have pre schoolers during lockdown. I can only imagine how hard that was.

I saw a trailer this morning for a channel 4 drama about covid in a nursing home. I thought who the hell wants to watch that? Covid isn’t entertainment

It's not written as entertainment, but a story that needs to be told about what happened in care homes last spring.

I'm relating to a lot of this. The only thing to add is the endless crapping on about World War Two a lot of people seemed to enjoy.

As for now I'm doing more things than I was in 2020 but my world feels so much smaller than it did in 2019. I also can't shake the feeling like everything could be ripped away at any moment.

I think the most traumatising bit for me was the fortnight leading up to Christmas when Boris made it as excruciatingly painful for everyone as it possibly could have been, and the knowledge that Christmas day gatherings would lead to so much illness and death. . I also gave birth in early January so it all just felt surreal.

I spent the first lockdown in a flat with windows that only opened one inch and no garden, and all the local benches taped off. I remember having to combine going for a run with going to the supermarket so I didn’t commit any leaving the house faux pas 🤦 absolutely horrendous. My life was hectic before the pandemic and my industry completely ground to a halt, in a way the slow down was good for me mentally but I think was offset by the awful things happening in the world.

I find it hard to think back to the Tuesday before lockdown was announced, I went to work in the morning and by the end of the day every bit of freelance work I did was cancelled and my employer sent us all home. It’s difficult because there are some ‘good’ memories mixed in amongst all the awfulness but it’s hard to pick them out without remembering how scary it was!

@GoldenOmber

Interesting to see others talking about songs and videos and CBeebies jingles as the things really associated with memories from that time.

That first lockdown felt like this weird divide between a lovely bright colourful cover of fun songs and TikTok videos and RaaRaa The Noisy Lion on for 341 times a day, papered over this miserable time we were having with everything else. A thousand deaths a day and my work phone going ping ping ping as I tried to change nappies and my livewire happy eldest child just lying on the floor for hours staring into nothing, and nothing I could do because work work work kids work work kids stay up till 2am try to get a Tesco delivery for my dad and reading emails about people I knew in hospital on oxygen… and over all of it there’s “Raa Raa, you are, a noisy little lion! Raa Raa, you are, louder than them all!”

Yes! My poor toddler was sit in front of hours and hours of Peppa Pig while I worked full time and homeschooled 2 primary aged kids. I feel so much guilt about that time, and the Peppa theme tune brings back those feelings so vividly.

I remember going to Sainbury's, and watching a mum burst into tears in the baby isle. There was no formula left, all the baby food had gone too. It was just awful. That was the moment, staring at those empty shelves and that poor mum, with her little baby in the buggy, and I felt panicky.

I told her there was some formula in the Co-op. I hope she went there. She was broken

One thing that triggered me was at christmas past. Thought id watch love actually as never saw the film before sll the way through. Found myself getting upset at how there was no magic no atmosphere or build up like we usually have. Afraid we womt ever have that again.

Yes you’ve really nailed it GoldenOmber. I remember being on my phone any time the kids were happily occupying themselves, switching between smiling away at videos my friends had posted of themselves and their teens doing the Blinding Lights dance and reading news article after news article about Covid, desperate for information. I remember at one point I set myself a one hour daily limit for reading the news.

I felt so lucky that our family was able to hide away at home and so guilty that I wasn’t doing anything helpful for the pandemic.

And I tried so hard to keep things fun and engaging for the children but the anxiety and stress meant that I lost my temper with them, horrendously, a few times.

Funnily enough I did love the winter lockdown (sorry, this isn’t meant to be smug). I saw it as my chance to make amends with the kids and I was calm and patient with them throughout. But it was completely different; we were allowed to meet up with friends outdoors (in Scotland) and it just felt like an extended Christmas holiday.

Yes I do op.

The lockdowns especially the first one were a dreadful and very dark time for us. We did our best but I find it difficult to look at photographs or think too much about that time.

I will admit inside I get so angry when I hear people saying that they 'enjoyed the slower pace of life' and other such drivel. Worse are the ones rubbing their hands with glee at the prospect of another lockdown.

You had choices before the pandemic, do wtf you want but don't wish for all our choices to be taken away.

@KhoshkaKatya

I found the 2020 easier than this year.

Everything seemed so surreal I didn’t really connect with it emotionally. Just took it one day at a time. I even have some fairly happy memories from the first lockdown. Just little things like noticing tiny pansies in the grass at the back that I was never around we bought to notice before.

But this year, with things going back to “normal” but not really being normal has been more difficult. It’s shown me how much I was turning a blind eye to in the rest of my life.

I’m the same. When I look back now, what makes me cry is the optimism. I believed that a couple of months of strict lockdown, then everything would be back to normal. There was a real sense of community spirit and everyone being in it together. Now, it seems never ending, and all people do is fight and try to blame each other.