Does anyone else find it difficult to look back?

[MyBadHabitsLeadToYou]

I can’t sleep. Down a Facebook wormhole and come across lots of posts from March 2020 on the nursery Facebook page. They put the info up there about the closure and the page was used as a little way for the staff to see what the kids were up to. Parents uploaded photos and videos and comments etc. There is a wee video montage thing from all the staff holding up rainbows etc.

It makes me want to sob, looking back at it.

It’s funny. I’m not a crier. I am a generally pragmatic, practical person. March 2020 onwards - that first lockdown - was however a horrific time for us. Trying to work from home all of a sudden in stressful, full on jobs with 2 and 4 year old at home. My mental health still hasn’t recovered.

I kept a video diary of that first lockdown with the kids and all the stuff we did. Thought it would be interesting for them to look back on it one day (I just felt at the time I needed to document it) but I can’t watch it back now. It makes me feel..sad? Anxious? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

Please don't negate or deny these kinds of sacrifices because they are not poor or on low wages. It is just trite and insensitive.

@banoffeee

I just remembered how all the play parks were locked up and forbidden as well :(

Especially cruel for those children in flats or with no outside space.

I hope if there’s ever a future lockdown it is never again to that level.

I remember posters on here calling people selfish for going out more than once for daily exercise. I hope it never goes back to those days.

I live in a 'scenic' area which attracts a lot of walkers and day trippers, especially in lockdown when there was nothing else to do. One day, I went out for a walk near an especially popular area, and found that it had been roped off. I still remembr how sad that made me. One of the few simple pleasures still remaining to us, and it was taken away.

On your other point, I remember posters here complaining that old people were using the purchase of a daily newspaper as an 'excuse' to 'pop out' to the corner shop on a daily basis. The callousness displayed by some posters here was chilling. And no doubt these same people would rush to chastise others for being 'selfish' for indulging in some 'forbiddent' activity like going to the supermarket more than once a week.

@NannyAndJohn

Everyone will be so much happier once they have resigned themselves to living the way that I enjoy.

Not what I was getting at in the slightest. I was hoping to encourage people to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

Light at the end of the tunnel?!

You'd take out the fucking lightbulb if anyone dared find any!

I don’t think I will ever get over what has been done to us. All beautifully articulated by previous posters.

Now, here we are. Trying to rebuild our lives but I have this sense of it not being allowed. I can't settle into my life now for fear of it all being ripped away again

This has really struck a chord. It’s not only the time that’s been taken from us already. The memories, experiences, education, and all the rest. I feel like the security and certainty of our future has been taken forever. How can we ever plan for anything, look forward to anything without the underlying knowledge that it can all be taken away in an instant?

Thank you for this thread. Sometimes I feel like I was the only person who hated lockdown.

My income crumbled to nothing and I couldn’t furlough. Everyone else seemed so happy having paid holiday. It made life easier for homeschooling but trying to be positive for your children while your life is crumbling is exhausting.

I feel slightly hysterical now. Like I want to grab every experience possible but it’s never enough and I’m so scared that they’ll
Take it all away again.

*Light at the end of the tunnel?!

You'd take out the fucking lightbulb if anyone dared find any!*

• How many MNers does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

• Two. Nanny. And John.

@MyBadHabitsLeadToYou thanks for this thread. Its made me start to put more coherent thoughts as to why I'm actually feeling the way I feel.

The PPs description about fear of things being taken away in the future is something I also feel but hadn't maybe been able to put my finger on it.

I totally get what you mean OP. My work had produced a video about our company's response to the pandemic and it made me weep a lot, just thinking about those very early days.

It has been a long 18 months and we need to accept it takes a little while to process that sort of shock and disruption.

It was my DD's birthday last week, I got a bit teary thinking she has spent almost a third of her life in these strange times. She does however appreciate the smallest of things which my eldest didn't, which I think is good. I feel like I'm only just beginning to process what has happened this last 18 months.

@FfrothiCoffi

Lockdown essentially shifted the Covid risk from the rich (able to stay at home) to the poor (who predominantly couldn’t). At the same time, the rich got richer and the poor got poorer. Anyone who goes on about how lovely lockdown was needs to remember that.

Yes this really bothers me. Also the higher death rate in the North, and the fact they were locked down for longer, lost more jobs and suffered greater economic damage.

But I am not anti-lockdown, just think things could have been handled better, e.g. earlier lockdowns would have been shorter, and better sick pay support.

Yes,me too. I hate the reminders of that time. I was pregnant and terrified. I hate when people call my child a lockdown baby,I hate when my kids talk about lockdown.
That TV show that's being advertised on channel 4 with Stephen Graham about the care homes....just too soon. Everyone knows what happened and yes it does need investigating,but I think as a nation we need to heal before being able to look back

I started doing a weird thing and staying up really late, like unwilling to go to bed because I couldn't face the fact that tomorrow was just going to be another shitty day.
Then I'd feel even worse the next day because of it.

Yes, I did the same for that reason. And also it was the only time I was alone; as an introvert, I found it really tough not being able to have my own space.

The songs that take me back there are the soundtracks to Joseph and Jesus Christ Superstar, bizarrely. I watched them when they were available free on YouTube at the start of the 1st lockdown and hearing some of the songs takes me straight back to that time.

@TinaYouFatLard

I don’t think I will ever get over what has been done to us. All beautifully articulated by previous posters.

Now, here we are. Trying to rebuild our lives but I have this sense of it not being allowed. I can't settle into my life now for fear of it all being ripped away again

This has really struck a chord. It’s not only the time that’s been taken from us already. The memories, experiences, education, and all the rest. I feel like the security and certainty of our future has been taken forever. How can we ever plan for anything, look forward to anything without the underlying knowledge that it can all be taken away in an instant?

I think this is what I find hard, especially facing into winter again there's trepidation about what's ahead. I just miss the carefreeness of being able to plan ahead with a feeling of not knowing what's around the corner. Will that carefreeness ever return. Also hit me really hard that DPs are getting older and that we have been robbed of so much time and celebrating family stuff together.

I just want to send everyone . It has been a very, very hard 18 months. It still seems surreal at times.

I have moments of teary-ness eg we went to a busy fair on weekend and there were choirs / acts loads of people, sun shining.

It doesn’t take much of the old to make me feel emotional

And yes it has been surreal at times

I saw an advert on TV for the channel 4 drama Help the other day. I had to change channels as I couldn't bare to watch it. All too soon in my opinion.

Ive happy memories of lockdown in a way. Of being with my children in our own little world. Of walks together and making the most of things. Not saying it wasn't hard. We were in the fortunate position of having secure jobs so didnt have to worry about money. It was hard for my mum who was basically alone and was shielding. She has really gone down hill. It was also very hard for my older sibling who suffered having covid and has had huge mental health issues ever since. In many ways its brought my family closer though. My other sibling is closer to me than they ever were.

There are mixed memories, granted. One time I stood up on a footbridge going over the local usually very busy A road. There was nothing on it at all, in either direction. I could hear nothing but birdsong and thought to myself "You must remember this moment, because it might not ever happen again." Flowers seemed more abundant. Birds and insects were more noticeable.

But nothing can make up for the fear and nastiness which was being deliberately manufactured and spread. We most certainly weren't all in it together.

Oh yes @HesterShaw1
The animal around and the birds were just amazing, It was so interesting seeing nature taking over.
Lots of fear I agree. We weren't in it together. Agreed. However I am
from Scotland and felt that we had much better leadership here.

I realised that I’ve blocked out a lot of Jan/Feb of this year (when the schools were closed for a second time). My mind just won’t go there. It’s odd.

This is so interesting Keating

I feel exactly the same. I can barely remember this time. I was crazy busy in work, 3 DC, on my own. The kids hated being at home, youngest especially was basically depressed.

I managed but badly. Hardly ate, some days didn't go outside, did exercise online but that was about it. Work was incredibly stressful.

But if I try to think back it's like I blocked it all out. I can remember almost nothing about my life then, or the wider world - I had to look up various dates around lockdowns, lifting / extending restrictions. I thought it would be etched on my mind.

I also keep feeling guilty. I didn't do anything like have cosy family time, movie days or productively sort out the house. I realised that I need the external world to be busy & productive. My DC - and me - are very sporty so a lot of our lives are taken up with training / matches in various sports. When it was all off during lockdown, we should have had oodles of time free. I can't tell you what we did with that time.

I remember the last time we went out before lockdown was announced. It had a surreal vibe, everyone walking around scared of eachother. We went out to get art and craft supplies and books etc in anticipation of the schools closing. The shelves were empty in the supermarket. Was eerie.

Then when lockdown was announced it was as if the world suddenly shrank. We couldn't travel anywhere. For a while I couldn't watch nature shows because I found it hard to see mountains and rainforest etc not knowing if I'd ever be able to visit them (I never have visited a rainforest but would it was nice knowing I could if I wanted, iygwim). Then we couldn't visit family and so facetime became a thing. Worried about my mum who has COPD.

I carried on working throughout, just four of us. The rest of the team went on furlough. I was both envious of all the free time they had yet incredibly grateful I could have a little slice of normality and see others outside of my household. We cared for the key worker children attending the setting. The first day at work after lockdown was announced we just all looked at eachother in a 'what happens now?' Kind of way. Felt like a movie where you're the last group standing and have to deal with the problem. Was really strange.

I was lucky compared to many. I was at more risk because of working but it gave my life structure and my pay was normal so I didn't have any financial impact. I have a house in a rural area with a garden so I had outdoor space for myself and my children. I think my children had it harder as they had to learn at home without me there helping and not see their friends. My (now) 15yo has had the biggest hit as she lost most of her Y9 learning and then a term of her y10 GCSE learning. She is taking exams next summer and feels like she isn't going to do well ans her confidence for learning has plummeted.

Reading this thread has made me realise that I've blocked quite a bit of the last 18mths too though.

My eldest was part way through year 7 when this started and is now just starting year 9.
It doesn't feel like it should have been that long iyswim? Its like time has become elastic or something. I remember pre pandemic, and then I've kind of put everything on hold in my mind.
I can only imagine how it must feel to have a baby or pre schooler through this, when 18 months its like they are a different person in that time.

It honestly feels a bit fever-dream-like, I remember it, but it's also like it never really happened.

Picking up the kids from school on Final Friday and everyone piling home together through the park, kids playing, parents chatting. I remember thinking "this lockdown thing is never going to work!" Everyone was all over each other!

Going to the supermarket and there was no fruit and veg! I was so confused... Were people stockpiling it? Seeing a woman in a literal hazmat suit wiping packets of food with Dettol wipes before popping them into her basket. I mean, she was probably vulnerable or highly anxious (or both) but I was still a bit like

Evacuating the DC to their grandparents in Cornwall! They had a lovely time and I don't regret it even for a moment.

Getting diagnosed with leukaemia in week 3 was possibly the nadir, but it was all just weird .. None of it seemed real and I'm still not sure I really accept that it has actually happened!