Does anyone else find it difficult to look back?

[MyBadHabitsLeadToYou]

I can’t sleep. Down a Facebook wormhole and come across lots of posts from March 2020 on the nursery Facebook page. They put the info up there about the closure and the page was used as a little way for the staff to see what the kids were up to. Parents uploaded photos and videos and comments etc. There is a wee video montage thing from all the staff holding up rainbows etc.

It makes me want to sob, looking back at it.

It’s funny. I’m not a crier. I am a generally pragmatic, practical person. March 2020 onwards - that first lockdown - was however a horrific time for us. Trying to work from home all of a sudden in stressful, full on jobs with 2 and 4 year old at home. My mental health still hasn’t recovered.

I kept a video diary of that first lockdown with the kids and all the stuff we did. Thought it would be interesting for them to look back on it one day (I just felt at the time I needed to document it) but I can’t watch it back now. It makes me feel..sad? Anxious? I can’t quite put my finger on it.

Can anyone relate to this at all?

I definitely relate to this, and I’m finding it so reassuring to read this thread and realise that I’m not completely alone in these feelings. I feel almost traumatised, if that makes sense? A real feeling of “wtf just happened?!”, almost like I can’t actually process it, and I’ve blanked so much of it out, as well.

My just-turned-2 toddler is now approaching 4, and I feel grief stricken that we’ve spent such a significant chunk of her preschool years in the pandemic. Also feel weirdly depressed at the summer ending, even though I normally love Autumn. I think it’s because we had such high hopes back in the spring that the vaccines would solve everything and we were nearly out the other side… now it feels like we’re looking at another tough Covid winter. Ugh.

Oh and that Matt Lucas “Thank You Baked Potato” song gives me the heebies, for all the reasons mentioned above!!

I saw a trailer this morning for a channel 4 drama about covid in a nursing home. I thought who the hell wants to watch that? Covid isn’t entertainment .

It’s interesting that so little literature exists about the Spanish flu in 1918- 20. Clearly it was something to be forgotten, not endlessly examined.

I shall go barmy if arts council grants go to innumerable dance/poetry/drama representations of the pandemic. We do not want them!!!!

@RubyFowler

I have this too. And worse for me (because I'm not normally like this) when anyone talks about loving lockdown or enjoying it in any way I want to scream at them WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! I never say anything like that of course, but I'm thinking it in my head. Rationally of course I know it was different for everyone. I think that's a reason I still hate WFH (only doing that 2 days a week now thank goodness). I sit at my desk in my bedroom and still feel the same sense of anxiety and low level panic I felt back then. Can't relax and get into a good place mentally at all.

I feel exactly the same, when I hear, or read here, of those who loved lockdown and even admitting they’d like it to continue - especially if they were furloughed (but jobs were safe), with nice big gardens and space. I have the same reaction as you, Ruby.

My torment was living next to noisy neighbours day in and day out, feeling hemmed in and trapped and unable to escape. Not travelling (just around the UK) added to the trapped feeling. And being completely peopled out. Every walk there were people acting like aliens

I look back and I shudder. I don’t know how I got through it. To have ft jobs and look after young children at the same time must have nearly broken you. We did a safeguarding training course recently and Covid / lockdowns have had a huge, far-reaching, negative impact

It's really put me off cooking. I got so sick, sick, sick of constantly buying food, finding places to put it, cooking it, serving it, washing up, clearing it up, clearing up snacks and crumbs again and again and again and again.

I'm sure I'll get back into cooking one day. In the meantime, you'll forgive me if I laugh bitterly whenever I hear some fool predicting the pandemic has encouraged a love of home cooking instead of restaurant dining.

Seeing how happy my dc are to be back with friends in school this term, with full activities, makes me feel ill that they missed two terms. There’s an advert on here for online learning which makes me shudder.

They were so curtailed over that time. I don’t look back generally though, mostly forward.

Hearing that some schools in US shut for 18 months made me feel awful for them too

Weird isn't it, I had to find an adress my mum sent me ages ago so had to scroll through all the old WhatsApp messages back to feb 2020. It felt like someone else wrote those messages, it's all just unreal. Talking about jut being able to see them, managing dads COPD, getting them shopping and them disinfecting it before it went in a basket pulled up to the flat window. All just completely unreal.

I suppose I’m in the minority as I don’t find it difficult to look back, I find it difficult to look ahead. There are health conditions in our family which will place a lifetime of more restrictions on our lives than covid has. Lockdown, while difficult, was fairly easy for us in comparison. I find it difficult to see other people going back to “normal” when I know that we never will.

@Schulte

I find it much harder to look further back, to pre pandemic life. How happy we were. How easy everything was. I mourn the life we had and I am so scared it will never return.

This is exactly how I feel.

I feel like it won’t return. I know people think that’s doom mongering etc and I can’t stand that sort of outlook generally, but there are certain things that I just don’t think ever will go back.

I totally hear you OP. I look back at my daughter's nursery app the social events they held when parents were allowed indoors. The previous Christmas fayre and things looking at the children's artwork on the wall. I look at the pictures of their Christmas dinner. It is sad it doesn't matter how much people minimise it. It's not THE saddest thing ever but it hurts my heart for sure. I feel sad today. X

I've found this year worse tbh.

I hear you OP!

Yes, I find it very weird. I also worked from home with a very young toddler (started walking at the start of lockdown), and it was such a bizarre, impossible situation that I don't know if I will ever mentally recover from. I also lost a relative in the first wave, which made it all the more scary.

I find myself quite angry with people who were furloughed and had a delightful lockdown having fun with their children. I barely saw the sky - we used to go for an evening walk after dinner, before putting our child to bed and working some more because we couldn't get anything done in the day. That anger doesn't serve any purpose though, I know it's silly and many people had far worse experiences than I did.

The Cbeebies song 'The time has come to say goodnight' always reminds me of lockdown - it was a relief as it was our cue to get our child in the bath and into bed, and hopefully get a few hours of working in peace before going to bed and starting all over again in the morning!

We've started to be allowed into my son's nursery for the first time this week, and it is SO weird. He was only there about six weeks before the pandemic hit, so I don't even know my way around - he's been in three different rooms since then! Yesterday at pick-up I chatted to more members of staff in 10 minutes than I'd normally see in a week.

I realised that I’ve blocked out a lot of Jan/Feb of this year (when the schools were closed for a second time). My mind just won’t go there. It’s odd.

Whereas the surreal times of March/April of 2020 are quite clear.

Yes. Pre-covid I had a close friend with a toddler the same age and when the lockdown was announced I remember thinking that it was absolutely impossible that we'd go two weeks without seeing one another, it just couldn't happen. How would I manage just me and my child with no friends, cafe trips, swimming?

One massive fallout later and it's been about 16 months now.

My daughter used to sit on the sofa and watch the same video again and again of her friend, while I hid in the kitchen. I can't see it any more.

There's no point reminiscing upon our pre-Covid lives. The world has changed now and we need to look forwards.

I've come to appreciate my new, slower lifestyle. Staying local. Finding things to do around the house. Virtual meet ups.

I do think the world will be a happier place once we've all accepted our new way of life.

I’m feeling more and more normal, now, but yes thinking back it’s often a blur/like I can’t quite believe it really happened. This week DC have been so happy to go back to school and actually interact with other year groups/assemblies/teachers etc. It s been nice to see.

I’ve lost a huge amount of income and lots that I’ve worked for over many years, but I do have hope I can build it back up again.

The working from home with DC at home thing was actually quite positive for me - the reason being that’s how I work and how I have always worked throughout my DC’s lives. Granted as they have become older they have gone to school for parts of my working days but working at home with the DC at home is normal life for me. I’m just coming out of another seven weeks of summer holiday now which has been me working at home full time and looking after the DC with DH working out of home full time. It was better for me in the lockdowns as everyone suddenly had understanding of how hard that is and all of a sudden deadlines could flex and everyone was happy with people just doing their best in the time they had. All that goodwill has gone now, so the last seven weeks of high expectations from clients plus trying to care for DC mean my stress levels are higher now than in the lockdowns.

@NannyAndJohn

There's no point reminiscing upon our pre-Covid lives. The world has changed now and we need to look forwards.

I've come to appreciate my new, slower lifestyle. Staying local. Finding things to do around the house. Virtual meet ups.

I do think the world will be a happier place once we've all accepted our new way of life.

That's not my current way of life at all.

I've gone to gigs, sports stadiums, museums, theatres, been on holiday, back in the office.

I've gone back to my pre pandemic life.

Haven't caught it so far but know I will in the future, as we all will.

@MyBadHabitsLeadToYou

I feel like it won’t return. I know people think that’s doom mongering etc and I can’t stand that sort of outlook generally, but there are certain things that I just don’t think ever will go back.

Such as?

@Schulte

I find it much harder to look further back, to pre pandemic life. How happy we were. How easy everything was. I mourn the life we had and I am so scared it will never return.

Yes, this for me. The pandemic has also coincided with me hitting my mid forties so a double dose of realising my best years are behind me

At least I made the most of my travel opportunities pre pandemic. I was often skint but had the best times. Now I have more money than I’ve had in years (one of the lucky ones I know) but would swap it in a heartbeat to go back to pre pandemic life.

@NannyAndJohn

There's no point reminiscing upon our pre-Covid lives. The world has changed now and we need to look forwards.

I've come to appreciate my new, slower lifestyle. Staying local. Finding things to do around the house. Virtual meet ups.

I do think the world will be a happier place once we've all accepted our new way of life.

Of all the horrible, negative, damaging drivel you have spouted on here the last few months, this is the worst I have read. You have come on a thread in which posters are sharing in a heartfelt and honest way how lost and sad they are feeling and you somehow think that posting the above is an appropriate thing to do.

If you are real, you are horrifying.

@NannyAndJohn

There's no point reminiscing upon our pre-Covid lives. The world has changed now and we need to look forwards.

I've come to appreciate my new, slower lifestyle. Staying local. Finding things to do around the house. Virtual meet ups.

I do think the world will be a happier place once we've all accepted our new way of life.

Let me guess, you have a nice work from home job, a nice house, outside space, decent neighbours etc.

Virtual meet-ups are not a substitute for actual people. Spotify is not a substitute for live music. Jigging to Glastonbury highlights on red button in your living room is NOTHING compared to being in a crowd outside singing along and dancing. Online life is an inspid and soul destroying version of all the rage, beauty, joy and soul of humanity. The artistry and talent and adrenaline of actual LIFE cannot be replicated on a screen.

I will not be happy without that. There would always be part of my soul that withers without live theatre that moves you to tears, long solitary afternoons in art galleries, interactive museums with my kids and long laughing tipsy meals with old friends.

OP I completely get it. I find it so so sad looking back over the last 18 months, and I can't believe what has happened. There are so many things I am shocked by, but from a completely personal point of view, it was the way in which people living alone were so entirely disregarded those first few months. The government seized this "nothing matters but the NHS" and fed it wholesale to the public, who lapped it up. I want to cry when I remember going for yet another lonely walk on my birthday in April 2020, and trying to smile at people and engage with them, just to have human contact on any level. And people were looking the other way, and drawing their children closer, as though I was unclean and would give them diseases by smiling. One other lonely walk I did in the open countryside, there as a couple I passed in a field who turned away and put masks on as I approached. If I live to 100, I won't forget the way people turned on each other, all encouraged by the government and social media.

The irony is of course, is that during that time here in the far south west, there was virtually no Covid. It was all pointless.

@NannyAndJohn

There's no point reminiscing upon our pre-Covid lives. The world has changed now and we need to look forwards.

I've come to appreciate my new, slower lifestyle. Staying local. Finding things to do around the house. Virtual meet ups.

I do think the world will be a happier place once we've all accepted our new way of life.

Huh?

I've been to gigs, on trips, cinema, theatre, restaurants... My life isn't slow at all and neither is that of anyone I know. Are you CV? If so I can completely understand why you're living the way you are. Otherwise, there is absolutely no need to accept the way you're living as some sort of solitary post-covid world. What you describe isn't 'our new way of life'. It's absolutely not how everyone else is living.

Online life is an inspid and soul destroying version of all the rage, beauty, joy and soul of humanity. The artistry and talent and adrenaline of actual LIFE cannot be replicated on a screen.

Totally agree with this. Online 'meetings' and the like are fine as an emergency stop gap, but don't come even close to the real thing.

Happily, the days of having to live, or rather exist, via a screen seem to be coming to an end.