Husband doesn't want to get vaccinated - but I do

[melonhead]

I'm not vaccinated yet but plan to be this week, it's causing big problems at home as my husband would rather isolate to avoid catching it than get vaccinated. He has real concerns as he takes certain autoimmune medication, he is 50.
Of course I am my own person and can decide for myself, but we generally discuss life issues and agree. He doesn't want the children to go back to school for the first couple of weeks until we see if there's a spike. I want them to go back and be careful, they're 9 and 6.
How are you handling it when you don't agree as a family? There's no compromise!

FWIW I'm CV with an autoimmune condition, plus medication which can lower my immune system. I was double vaccinated with no issues.

I’m really confused OP - why doesn’t your husband want to get vaccinated? If you could set out his reasons that would help.

Number one, get yourself vaccinated. Then you have the reassurance of not getting too ill to look after the children.
Almost no-one is told medically not to get any of the vaccines, so it would have to be a very rare situation he has (which some people do have). It must be heartbreaking for you, but you need to think of your children and try to make sure you have plans in case he does get ill.

If he's worried about himself, as others have said, that's unfair. But he may be worried about the children, and that is less unfair. There are some risks for children in getting long covid, and very rarely severe symptoms. We're going by the theory that the first couple of weeks will be slightly safer, as the cases are only going to rise after that.

It's a question of whether you think the government will bring in mitigations if there are enough cases and deaths of children. I'm not sure that they would care, so are going with sending them in early on this term, and watching to see what happens with numbers as term continues. Yes, it's a risk, but less so than keeping them off for the first two weeks and then having no choice but to send them in when numbers are rocketing. It's not easy.

I'm vaccinated but my husband isn't. That's our choice as individual adults, and we respect each other for our decisions.
I think his back to school argument is flawed though. Kids have been out, mixing, during the holidays. We'd have seen a spike by now if there was going to be one. A lot of schools are still implementing bubbles and rigourous hygiene routines so it'll be no different to last term. Your children need to be in school.

@duffeldaisy

Number one, get yourself vaccinated. Then you have the reassurance of not getting too ill to look after the children. Almost no-one is told medically not to get any of the vaccines, so it would have to be a very rare situation he has (which some people do have). It must be heartbreaking for you, but you need to think of your children and try to make sure you have plans in case he does get ill.

If he's worried about himself, as others have said, that's unfair. But he may be worried about the children, and that is less unfair. There are some risks for children in getting long covid, and very rarely severe symptoms. We're going by the theory that the first couple of weeks will be slightly safer, as the cases are only going to rise after that.

It's a question of whether you think the government will bring in mitigations if there are enough cases and deaths of children. I'm not sure that they would care, so are going with sending them in early on this term, and watching to see what happens with numbers as term continues. Yes, it's a risk, but less so than keeping them off for the first two weeks and then having no choice but to send them in when numbers are rocketing. It's not easy.

There isn't going to be deaths of children though is there. Cases, yes. Deaths, no

What has his doctor said? Can you get him to agree to whatever advice his doctor gives him?

And no, he really can't restrict the children any more. If he'd had the jab when he first qualified for it, he'd be protected by now. His choice not to be, is not something that the children should pay for.

Ahh what a situation you find yourselves in. I have sympathy for you both however I consider that your husband likely has valid reasons for choosing not to be vaccinated at this time. The vaccine is still in its experimental stages and will be under 2023 until the trials are complete. It is only regulated for emergency use and the rollout to those who are younger and not vulnerable came as a shock to many health professionals. There have been many adverse affects associated with the vaccine however what one must do is balance the risks. It is a travesty that there is even a discussion around children being vaccinated when considering that these early studies indicate a real link with heart problems in young males as well as enlarged testes and an effect on the placenta in young women. The case remains that young people will recover remarkably well from covid and therefore it shouldn't be incumbent upon them to have the vaccine to protect adults. There are plenty of people giving you advice and inferring that your husband is selfish or bullying. That's really not fair. He has real concerns and is likely more enlightened than most about the emerging risks. I'm not an "anti-vaxxer" but rather someone who reads things to death and I don't believe all that governments or mainstream media tell me. Don't fall out over this. If you want your vaccine then have it, and respect your husband's decision not to have his.

Your children need to go to school.

You can't base your medical choices on his views. If it were me, I would say to him that I was getting the vaccine and you respect his choice.

I have no idea what you do about school. I am not keen on my own kids going back as cases are goingt o rise rapidly - but that is because they are not vaccinated, rather than anything to do with me. One of the main reasons I got vaccinated, if I am honest, was so the kids were not having to worry about me when they inevitably bring it back from school.

What a horrid mess we are in, the government have mishandled evrything so much - but the vaccine is something you can do to minimise the risks to you.

Both me and husband are vaccinated. I have 2 boys aged 6 and 4. They are going to school. My husband does have anxiety and he is trying really hard to get back to normal.

I would strongly urge him to take advice from a doctor and if advised to have the vaccine then get it ASAP.

I have had covid for a week and am currently laid on the sofa struggling to breath, my whole body hurts. I feel horrendous and a little bit scared at how nasty this virus is, luckily DH has been able to take time off to look after the dc. I’m a fit, healthy 36yr old and was just due second vaccine but will now have to delay.

Like pp have said you can’t hide from it and the children have suffered enough over the last couple of years. It seems selfish to delay their return to school and refuse the vaccine tbh.

@wasthataburp
"There isn't going to be deaths of children though is there. Cases, yes. Deaths, no"

I wish that was true.
There were two deaths yesterday in the age 10-19 group, which brings the total to 76 so far, according to the government.

It is a small percentage, but the more children who have it then that will cause more deaths. A small percentage of a big number becomes a big number. And if there were mitigations in schools then there would be less risk of deaths.
And, frankly, I just don't get why more of a fuss isn't being made about it, to avoid any more deaths, especially of children. It's unbearably sad.

@Crazycatperson

Ahh what a situation you find yourselves in. I have sympathy for you both however I consider that your husband likely has valid reasons for choosing not to be vaccinated at this time. The vaccine is still in its experimental stages and will be under 2023 until the trials are complete. It is only regulated for emergency use and the rollout to those who are younger and not vulnerable came as a shock to many health professionals. There have been many adverse affects associated with the vaccine however what one must do is balance the risks. It is a travesty that there is even a discussion around children being vaccinated when considering that these early studies indicate a real link with heart problems in young males as well as enlarged testes and an effect on the placenta in young women. The case remains that young people will recover remarkably well from covid and therefore it shouldn't be incumbent upon them to have the vaccine to protect adults. There are plenty of people giving you advice and inferring that your husband is selfish or bullying. That's really not fair. He has real concerns and is likely more enlightened than most about the emerging risks. I'm not an "anti-vaxxer" but rather someone who reads things to death and I don't believe all that governments or mainstream media tell me. Don't fall out over this. If you want your vaccine then have it, and respect your husband's decision not to have his.

What does any of that have to do with him expecting his whole family to continue living as they are, his kids missing out on things to prevent him catching Covid?

If he was just choosing to not have a jab then that's one thing and his choice but what he can't do is expect his children to give up school and normal things to facilitate it. Fair enough if he just didn't want the jab and the get in with life but he wants his family to keep giving up normal life.

Hi OP. I'm in a very similar situation. I really feel for you. It is a huge issue in our marriage and I'm still not vaccinated. If you want to chat about it please feel free to dm me. X

He only gets to consent on vaccination for his body, not yours. If you had hormonal contraception/ HRT, it would be your choice and not a communal duty to both have the same treatment.

There is no logic to delaying the start of term. Cases are undulating around and are unlikely to rapidly decline. If it was finishing term early in the face of rising cases, that might be a different argument. The start of term is important in establishing routines and expectations with the new teacher and re-establishing friendships after a break.

Ultimately vaccination is the best tool we have at reducing the impact of the illness and reducing the transmission. Unless he had had specific advice to the contrary, vaccination is a better mitigating option, even if it's not maximum efficacy for him, but you being vaccinated will benefit the household. Not taking sensible measures himself and making his children sacrifice their education and social opportunities is very selfish (yes, that word has been grossly overused in the past 18m but this is an appropriate application of the word.)

You cant live like this forever. My kids would be going to school. That is not negotiable.
Especially at that age.

Whether he had the vaccine or not is up to him, but he cant force the rest of you to isolate. And personally I think you need to get the vaccine if you want it ASAP. Numbers are only going to go up once schools start and it's highly likely you may get it. Better to get the vaccine and let it start working.

You definitely dont want to catch covid unvaccinated.

I respect anyone’s individual opinion not to get vaccinated but your children must go to school and other activities. They need to see their friends.

You must not allow his decision to impact your children’s lives. They’ve sacrificed enough already. They will never get their childhood back.

I dont want to sound morbid.

But the current strain seems to be making people sicker than some of the previous strains.

If your husband isnt going to get vaccinated- then get yourself vaccinated if only for the sake of the kids.

OP you still haven't said why you aren't vaccinated yet. With school age children you must be well into your twenties and eligible for the vaccine months ago. And with a vulnerable spouse (?) surely you'd be keen? The reason you've given for him not getting the vaccine would imply that you should be quicker to get it not slower. This all sounds a bit sinister tbh.

Why doesn’t he talk to his GP or consultants? They would be able to advise about the safety of the vaccine for him.

Although the stats suggest your DH will be far far safer taking the minimal risk of the vaccine than the much greater risk of COVID.

@NeverTalkToStrangers

OP you still haven't said why you aren't vaccinated yet. With school age children you must be well into your twenties and eligible for the vaccine months ago. And with a vulnerable spouse (?) surely you'd be keen? The reason you've given for him not getting the vaccine would imply that you should be quicker to get it not slower. This all sounds a bit sinister tbh.

yes that's a good point. Were you anti vaxxers together and you've seen sense but he still clings to your previously joint views?

I saw a video last night of a US woman talking from her hospital bed. She was waiting for her family to decide they wanted to be vaccinated so they could all get vaccinated together. She got covid before they all made up their minds. She died the day after the video was taken.

Don't wait around for any reason, listen to the science and put your health first

You must not allow his decision to impact your children’s lives. They’ve sacrificed enough already. They will never get their childhood back.

Absolutely this.

Your children need to go to school.

If he is CEV then he should be getting vaccinated. He can't live locked away ( with the expectation that the remaining household also do the same)

Seen lots of news reports recently of all these people reluctant to take the vaccine and then regretting it as they are ventilated

The virus is going to be around for years, and where I live we are being told to expect booster shots in the future. So he needs to make some sort of choice about how he thinks his (and your) life will be for the next few years if he’s unvaccinated.

I find it extremely hard to be the remotest bit sympathetic towards someone who can medically get vaccinated but doesn’t. Lots more chance of him ending up with serious complications from covid or dead. But he shouldn’t be dragging the kids into his avoidance of the world when it’s not necessary if people got vaccinated.