Husband doesn't want to get vaccinated - but I do

[melonhead]

I'm not vaccinated yet but plan to be this week, it's causing big problems at home as my husband would rather isolate to avoid catching it than get vaccinated. He has real concerns as he takes certain autoimmune medication, he is 50.
Of course I am my own person and can decide for myself, but we generally discuss life issues and agree. He doesn't want the children to go back to school for the first couple of weeks until we see if there's a spike. I want them to go back and be careful, they're 9 and 6.
How are you handling it when you don't agree as a family? There's no compromise!

OP says "autoimmune medication", not that the DH is immune suppressed. Levothyroxine for thyroid is an example of an autoimmune medication. It's very unlikely that his doctors would have advised him not to be vaccinated.

OP - you shouldn't have left it this long for yourself, it's simply none of his business if you get vaccinated or not, so get it done. It's also not fair to restrict your children due to adult choices; they need school. If he had no other option and was at high risk, some short term restriction is fine, but restrictions forever rather than him use his other option isn't fair. Of course there is a high chance they will end up catching covid, because we will all be exposed sooner or later, but that's where the adult choice comes for your DH; he can have the vaccine before exposure or have covid without a vaccine. The sooner he understands this is his choice, the better.

Is your husband usually this hard of thinking? Wanting to deny kids their education for no reason would be a possible marriage ending issue for me.

If he takes autoimmune meds surely a vaccine is essential?!

I realise that's not what you're asking but surely your bigger issue is him catching it

Will he be providing full time homeschooling while he deprives the children of an education?

Thought not.

Is your DH planning on doing all the work he needs to to ensure his children don’t miss out on learning that they need at the beginning if their new school years? Has he given any thought at all to how disruptive it is to a class to have children come back in the middle of term having done nothing? It’s not nice for his children to have to go back into school unsettled when everyone else is, and it’s not fair to expect the school staff to put in extra effort to ensure his children catch up when he’s only kept them off because of paranoia.

If he doesn’t want the vaccine, that’s up to him and I 100% support anyone’s choice not to have it. But your DH shouldn’t get to make unnecessary choices just because of his paranoia an have other people deal with the consequences. That’s just selfish.

The bigger issue here is surely the schooling rather than the vaccine? Because you're both in charge of your own bodies, so the extremely straightforward solution there is that you have the vaccine and he doesn't.

Schooling however is more complicated. What exactly are his plans for the children if they take the fortnight off? Will he be taking annual leave to look after them, or is he expecting you to partially or fully make this work? How will he ensure they catch up on any missed work?

Also assume he'll pay the fines out of his personal funds not family money?

@MRex
But there are almost hundred autoimmune conditions, many of which do involved a compromised immune system and/or adverse reactions to vaccines. We don’t know which one the OPs DH has? My SIL takes autoimmune medication and her consultant had to check all the ingredients of all the approved vaccines and consult with other specialists before finally saying she could have the Pfizer vaccine. Initially it was a no she couldn’t have any vaccine but she pushed the issue asking if he’d examined ALL the vaccines as they are different.

When it comes to schools, I can guarantee that there will be a spike in cases. How high is anyone’s guess and how much that will impact hospitalisations/ deaths is also unknown.

What actually happens this winter is anyone’s guess really.

However, at the moment the Government are committed to its ‘everything’s back to normal - nothing to see here - your on your own - good luck’ strategy.

So, with that in mind you and your husband really need to decide if you can/ want to keep your children off school for (more or less) the rest of their life.

Covid isn’t going to go away, there are not enough (barely any) countries trying to achieve zero Covid (not even sure if that is even possible with Delta?).

So, long term your husband will need to decide his long term goal regarding a virus that will be around in some form ‘forever’.

The vaccine will help with this, but he needs to really speak to his doctor and make an informed decision.

You also need to decide the best course of action for YOU with regards to the vaccine.

You can’t just keep the children off school. Unless you are going to deregister and home school then they need to return at the start of term otherwise absence will be unauthorised and you risk getting fined and depending how long he plans to keep them home could easily find yourself with no school place

Of course there’s going to be a spike in cases.
Return of schools and universities, plus lots will start going back to work in the office.
An increase in cases is inevitable.

You can’t decide your DC’s future on wait and see.

We re in a.similar position. My husband had his. I'm not having it. But I'm not shielding, we're getting on as normal. Life's too short to be fearful and staying indoors.

If you’re going to home school, you really owe it to your D.C. to tell them and to figure out how you’ll do that.
I mean I assume you won’t be a five in your local home school community - cod they’re always very social.
And I’m assuming your D.C. won’t be allowed to mix with their old school pals or take part in activities with schooled children?

On the vaccine front I do not see the issue. He has reasons for not wanting it himself - fine. So you should get it (ideally some months ago but oh well) and he shouldn’t.

What are the reasons for you not having had it?
On the children front.. well cases WILL spike. There is no debate there. When would he be ok with them in school? Also I’m assuming they were in last autumn and winter when cases were spiking too. And presumably they’ve been seeing friends and socialising?

And you owe it to your DC not to mess up their schooling and their childhoods for a VERY good reason. So what, does he want them completely isolated? No friends? No playgrounds, libraries, museums..?
He should be doing whatever he can to protect himself so that they can have a life. Has he spoken to a doctor about his concerns with his medication?

When you talk to him what does he say? How can his arguments and reasoning be valid?

If you want to get the vaccine, get the vaccine.

I personally would not be keeping the kids off school though. I’m 26, on immunosuppressants so am CV. My eldest is going into year 2 and hasn’t had a normal year at school yet. There almost certainly will be a spike in infections, but personally I accept that risk as I’m not willing to mess up his 3rd year of schooling.

On the fines front, I think Headteachers and LEAs will be as sympathetic as they can be re fines to families with an immune compromised CEV parent who want to keep the children off until the booster jab in September. Families in that position aren't in it by choice and it is time limited. I'll certainly be sending home work for children in that position even though it is extra work for me, and we would do it ourselves if I had the kind of job where I could work from home.
An open ended situation where a parent is refusing to take the vaccine by choice is not likely to garner the same sympathy when it comes to fines and sending home work.

What is his arguments for not wanting it himself op? Has his specialist actually advised against it?

If he’s so worried about the kids going back to school can he isolate himself in a spare room for the first couple of weeks (would be a bit of a pain to be fetching him food/drinks etc, but at least then the kids are at school/living relatively normally). What would happen if they stayed home and numbers did spike (which I’m sure they will to some degree)? Will he delay another 2 weeks, and then another? This isn’t going to be resolved quickly, and all the while your children will potentially be dropping behind in their studies, and missing valuable social interaction.

This is the advice from the nhs specialist pharmacy services regarding people on immunosuppressants and covid vaccination….
www.sps.nhs.uk/articles/using-covid-19-vaccines-in-patient-taking-immunosuppressive-medicines/

Has he spoken to his consultant? I have more autoimmune conditions than I can count, am on a biologic medication and CEV. I had AZ with minimal side effects

OP, why haven't you had the vaccine yet ?

"...he takes certain autoimmune medication..". I have lupus so I'm on hydroxychloroquine. I was offered the jab in the spring & jumped at the opportunity. I had zero side effects to it. I was more afraid of catching Covid with my condition than the jab..

So does he not go out at all? If not then it's not the issue of getting vaccinated but that his condition is limiting your ability to live freely and go out and about.

Generally speaking it's not an issue at all if one wanted to get vaccinated and the other doesn't as it's down to personal choice. Your situation however is a bit more complex than that

You want the vaccine so you should get it. Your DH's wishes don't trump yours. You will also be helping to protect him by having yours, especially as he won't get the vaccine.

Your DH should not be trying to prevent your children from attending school. They need their freedom to be out and about. If they miss those first couple of weeks, they miss the settling into a new place bit - re-establishing friendships (especially important if they haven't been able to mix and meet up over the summer break), find your seat in class, get to hear everyone's summer news and catch up with the playground chat. They will miss out by not being with their friends in the first few days.

And after two weeks, which is relatively short time period to see a peak in cases rise, what will he do? What will be the next excuse to keep them away longer 'just incase.' There is always going to be a covid risk when they return, regardless of it being next week or next month. Covid isn't going to go away that quickly!