Web of lies. What will I do :(

[Louby08]

I haven’t yet had my second vaccine. I’m too frightened.
I don’t mean “a bit” I mean that I am literally not capable of going to get the vaccine through fear.

My anxiety is so severe I have now been referred to secondary mental health care.

Everyone at work has had one of two vaccines and a few people have had two.

I’m under 40 and really want an alternative to AZ but can’t get one.
I had the vaccine early due to BMI (which I have now reduced)

I’ve lied to my colleagues and several friends to tell them I am fully vaccinated.
I just know if I tell them I’m too scared to get my second dose they will not understand.

How am I going to get around this?
What happens when I can’t do certain things because I’m not fully vaccinated? What happens if my employer asks for proof of vaccination?

I’m in such a mess.

Make sure you actually attend your mental health appointments. This has nothing whatsoever to do with the vaccine and everything to do with you being mentally unwell.

You can be treated and you will get better.

And call your GP on Monday morning and ask her rather than randoms on the internet.

So don't have it OP

Your employer cannot compel you (yet) to prove vaccination status, unless you work as a Carer?

Yes, you might be unable to travel to certain countries or have to do more quarantines if you do etc, but that's no biggie.

Yes, you are more at a bit more risk from Delta, but one jab will still give you excellent protection and you're reducing your BMI which is great!

Do what everyone else should be doing, and continue to minimise your chance of exposure to the virus, but otherwise forget about both it and the vaccine for now. Before too long mixing jabs will become normal and you can "finish" the course with Pfizer.

Just think of this though op - if you get it, the 4 weeks will pass and then you will be free of both the blood clot worry and the fear of having to lie to people/prove it. You’ll be free of all of it - having it is the best way to end the fear.

Another way to look at this kind of anxiety is to view things as fate, which is out of your hands. That’s to say that if the universe (or God or whatever you want to think of) has decided that your time is up, then your time is up, regardless of what you do. So the best thing you can do is to leave it to fate. You could literally say out loud: I’m leaving it to fate. Then you won’t need to worry about it as it’ll be left to fate.

There is a perception that people think they are not at risk from Covid due to the large number of elderly that died.

Currently my relative's hospital is filling up with people in their forties, seriously ill with Delta variant (some, not all, of these decided their risk of Covid was so low and their risk of the vaccine so high they would decline the vaccine, but not decline NHS treatment for the severe Covid they then contracted - interesting behaviour that as you would expect demonstrates both stupidity and selfishness).

One Covid vaccine (AZ) confers 30% protection against Covid.

You’ve posted so much about this. No one can reassure you and actually, doing so plays into and enables the cycle of panic - ask for reassurance - panic lessens slightly - repeat.

I think you have to come clean at work, I think hiding this behaviour is not helping. Come clean that you haven’t had the second jab and explain that you have decided not to because of fear of side effects.
I think you need to actually deal with the reality by telling people the truth in your RL and then you might find by being more open it is easier to choose to carry on only with one vaccine for the foreseeable future or with support get the second jab. I don’t know that hiding the truth in real life is helpful in coping with it.

@DeltaBlues

some, not all, of these decided their risk of Covid was so low and their risk of the vaccine so high they would decline the vaccine, but not decline NHS treatment for the severe Covid they then contracted - interesting behaviour that as you would expect demonstrates both stupidity and selfishness

I don’t think my risk of Covid is low. I know I’m
high risk with Covid. I’m just as scared of Covid as I am the vaccine.
I’m not stupid or selfish, I’m incredibly anxious.

I go to work and come home again, that’s it.
I don’t meet friends or family, I don’t go to shops.
My life is honestly such a minimal existence right now that it’s barely even worth opening my eyes on a morning.

This is no way to live. It’s awful.

I have zero enjoyment, because, what’s the point.

I can’t go out because if I do, I will catch Covid and die.
I can’t get the the second vaccine, because if I do, I will get a blood cot and die.

Believe me. I do not sit here thinking I’m going to be okay with Covid, I absolutely know that I won’t be!!

@strangeshapedpotato

Before too long mixing jabs will become normal and you can "finish" the course with Pfizer.

I hope and pray that this really does happen.

I will be first in line!!!!

Are you having any therapy? Can you pay for some private NLP / hypnosis? You really need to take action over this OP.

Why are you booking appointments you know you won't go to? That's immoral when so many are desperate to be vaccinated. Good luck.

Louby-I think you are not having a crisis about the vaccine or Covid particularly I think you are having an anxiety crisis.
I think Covid is not going anywhere in the next 4 weeks, if you have your vaccine your Covid risk will reduce by a vast amount and after 4 weeks your blood clot risk which is you didn’t react to the first vaccine is minuscule will be gone.
I would trank myself to the eyeballs get the jab then you are well protected from Covid and have lots of time to work on your mental health.
That is what I would do. I would say to myself that at the moment my anxiety is distorting my perception of the best course of action so while I am not able to judge rationally for myself I am going to follow recommended medical advice and get the second vaccination.
You are living in fear with no quality of life at the moment you might as well do the same for the next 4 weeks knowing at the end of that time you are in a much safer place, you don’t need to lie at work anymore and as the world opens up you will be safer.

@Hestartedoffsowell

Are you having any therapy? Can you pay for some private NLP / hypnosis? You really need to take action over this OP.

Why are you booking appointments you know you won't go to? That's immoral when so many are desperate to be vaccinated. Good luck.

@Hestartedoffsowell

I’ve been referred to secondary mental health.
Waiting for an assessment.

I had my first appointment booked for last Wednesday. Had every intention of going, got there and just couldn’t go in.

I rebooked for today.

I’m not just booking for the fun of it. I want to be fully vaccinated.

My husband said he would come with me today for support.

I feel physically sick at the thought of it.

@CaraherEIL

Louby-I think you are not having a crisis about the vaccine or Covid particularly I think you are having an anxiety crisis. I think Covid is not going anywhere in the next 4 weeks, if you have your vaccine your Covid risk will reduce by a vast amount and after 4 weeks your blood clot risk which is you didn’t react to the first vaccine is minuscule will be gone. I would trank myself to the eyeballs get the jab then you are well protected from Covid and have lots of time to work on your mental health. That is what I would do. I would say to myself that at the moment my anxiety is distorting my perception of the best course of action so while I am not able to judge rationally for myself I am going to follow recommended medical advice and get the second vaccination. You are living in fear with no quality of life at the moment you might as well do the same for the next 4 weeks knowing at the end of that time you are in a much safer place, you don’t need to lie at work anymore and as the world opens up you will be safer.

@CaraherEIL

I know, this would be the most sensible option.
I just can’t tolerate the thought of developing a clot and dying. I just can’t 😭

Or wait for mixing or a fresh double course of Pfizer if too much time has elapsed but tell the truth at work, own your decision.

There are no links/cases of blood clots after second dose. Your body won't think it's the first dose due to 14 weeks gap.

If you were going to have a blood clot you would have had it by now.

Get a grip on your anxiety and make the decision to get the jab today. I am an anxiety sufferer myself and I know it is entirely possible to make a decision and do a thing, in spite of anxiety. Just get it done.

If you have anxiety in subsequent 4 weeks, use mumsnet for reassurance if that helps but stop procrastinating for something that has zero chance of happening.

What really helped me when I went for my first jab was having someone with me. I know it’s not encouraged, but if I’m allowed due to my physical disability, then you should be for your mental health.
And I really wouldn’t worry what you have or haven’t told people, because a) it’s none of their business, and b) they probably won’t remember what you said anyway. I’ve talked vaccines with loads of people, but aside from close family, I couldn’t tell you what / how many vaccines anyone else has had.
Anxiety sucks, and I really hope you’re able to get some help.

@irritableshark

There are no links/cases of blood clots after second dose. Your body won't think it's the first dose due to 14 weeks gap

stop procrastinating for something that has zero chance of happening

Incorrect. There have been 27 cases & 4 deaths linked to the second dose.

I think a previous poster put it well - in the next 4 weeks you'll be a ball of anxiety anyway, but if you get the jab that ball will go away after 4 weeks. If you don't, then it will stay. All this anxiety and you could get hit by a bus in 4 weeks and 1 day anyway!

I don't even begin to understand your anxiety but maybe think about the vaccination as 4 weeks to freedom? If you don't have the vaccine you'll be worrying forever. If you do have it - in 4 short weeks you'll be ok. Because you will be ok.

What really helped me when I went for my first jab was having someone with me. I know it’s not encouraged, but if I’m allowed due to my physical disability, then you should be for your mental health.

Both times staff at the vaccination centres suggested DH went in with me, I didn't ask.

Stop and think about it. 4 deaths. Out of almost 43 million people who've been vaccinated.

Poor OP, this is a miserable situation and so difficult for you. I agree with others who say the key is engaging with mental health services so you can get your anxiety under control so it's not ruining your quality of life. When you get that assessment be sure not to downplay how you're feeling, they can help you if you reach out. Someday you'll look back at this time and be relieved it's over and you're feeling better.

Honestly I don’t think posting here will help. If you can’t go to this appointment then the focus needs to be on improving your mental health. Medication? CBT? Time to get some hobbies? Mindfulness? Exercise? Then planning what to do to ensure you have protection from COVID.

You’re going to work with other people so everyday you are at risk of covid regardless of whether you don’t shop etc.
The risk of catching covid daily is going to be higher than a rare side effect so maybe think of it that way.