I can’t get out of bed

[fireflylanegirls]

I feel like my life is over. I literally couldn’t get out of bed this morning, the way I feel is just too bad.

I spent over a year worrying about Covid, not just worrying, obsessing.
Panic attacks, sleepless nights, I couldn’t focus on my family life, couldn’t concentrate because of the worry.

I was finally vaccinated and although initially I didn’t feel any better, within a few weeks i started to feel so much happier.

Then the shit news comes about the clots from the vaccine.

I feel absolutely numb. I’ve spent the last 24hours just crying. I wish I’d never had the vaccine now.
It’s been 4 weeks and I’m such a nervous wreck.

My husband has had to drop our son at my mother in laws today because I’m in no fit state to look after him.

I’ve called my GP and have been told to increase my Sertraline to 100mg.

I absolutely hate living with this fear.

I knew this vaccine was too good to be true 😩

@PeterPomegranate

How old is your baby? If he’s less than 12 months you should ask to be referred to the perinatal mental health service. I was referred in my second pregnancy and it made a world of difference to me. I had terrible anxiety but for me it was about my baby’s health rather than mine. I won’t try to convince you that your health is fine because nothing I can say will convince you just as nothing anyone said to me could convince me my baby wasn’t seriously ill in a way that hadn’t been recognised (he wasn’t).

Please please ask for more help. I got better and you can do. I don’t worry about the things that I was absolutely convinced were true.

A couple of things I’ll suggest that did help me and you can try if you want to:

(1) set a time limit on googling what might be wrong - I think I set 30 minutes a day

(2) I like Strictly and I watched It Takes Two twice every day (live as broadcast and recorded the next day) and the main shows. I know it’s not on at the moment but if there’s anything LIGHT that you can binge watch that can be a distraction. Any of the ‘bake off’ ‘sewing bee’ ‘pottery thrown down’ type programmes would be suitable I think.

Take care xx

@PeterPomegranate

He’s 14 months.

And btw OP I haven’t got rid of the fear of covid either! I understand how isolating it feels when everyone else just cracks on and doesn’t seem bothered- I went through a major phase of that last year. But I’m learning to accept and tolerate the anxiety, as hard as it is, because we have little choice and I’ve come to accept that I cannot control what happens to a large extent (nor what thoughts my brain throws up!).

I also felt relief after having first dose of AZ and although the clot news is concerning I’m using the same accepting approach to my concern around that, having a firm (but not obsessive!) grip of the stats to keep it in perspective but ultimately accepting the uncertainty

OP you have had the vaccine the same as millions of us have Before the news yesterday I am presuming you felt absolutely fine physically Why just because this news has broken would you suddenly develop a clot. It’s been four weeks and you have been fine accept it and get on with your life Staying in bed will do no good and certainly not good for the circulation.

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

OP, what would happen if you went to A&E and they assessed you, did lots of tests but decided you didn’t need an expensive brain scan. We’re talking doctors with many many years experience. People who want to diagnose and treat people. Professionals who take pride in their jobs. Would you believe them? If the answer is No, then surely that indicates your anxiety is extreme?

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

Yes, I would.

But then I know that in a few days time I’d start to doubt it.
I just don’t know at what point post vaccine is a “safe” zone.

Maybe a brain scan?

This wouldn’t help you, honestly. Because a couple of hours after you’ve been given the all clear, you’ll start to wonder if the clot has now started developing since you left the hospital.

This is how anxiety works and it’s exactly what happened to me when I had scans and tests.
‘I didn’t have cancer then, but maybe it’s started to develop now’.
‘They might have missed it- they are human and make mistakes’
‘The equipment may have been faulty’

Etc etc. Reassurance helps for a very short time and then you’re back where you started.

@rosie1959

OP you have had the vaccine the same as millions of us have Before the news yesterday I am presuming you felt absolutely fine physically Why just because this news has broken would you suddenly develop a clot. It’s been four weeks and you have been fine accept it and get on with your life Staying in bed will do no good and certainly not good for the circulation.

@rosie1959

Yesterday I had a headache. Again just dull and it was my face and nose rather than my head.

Thought nothing of it. Saw the news and then my headache started to mean something.

😣

Ok if he’s 14 months i don’t think you’re eligible for the perinatal mental health’s service any more. I only mentioned because they were so helpful for me. There should be other avenues of support.

I’m not going to knock medication - it made a massive difference for me (and in fact I’m back on medication currently - I’m still a work in progress!) but having a mental health nurse to talk to made a big difference too. Hopefully the higher dose of sertraline will start to make a difference.

If you want to, maybe think about trying the couple of ideas I’ve suggested above xx

@waterlego

Maybe a brain scan?

This wouldn’t help you, honestly. Because a couple of hours after you’ve been given the all clear, you’ll start to wonder if the clot has now started developing since you left the hospital.

This is how anxiety works and it’s exactly what happened to me when I had scans and tests.
‘I didn’t have cancer then, but maybe it’s started to develop now’.
‘They might have missed it- they are human and make mistakes’
‘The equipment may have been faulty’

Etc etc. Reassurance helps for a very short time and then you’re back where you started.

Yep this. It didn’t matter how many times I took my baby to the doctor. I just didn’t believe he was ok.

Please be aware OP that extreme anxiety (which is what you have) causes very real, physical symptoms; that is more likely to be the cause of your headache than anything else.

I think I already told you this on another thread, but my anxiety caused myriad physical symptoms over a period of months. I had headaches, joint pains, sinus problems and a host of digestive issues. All of these fed further into my anxiety and became (in my mind) ‘proof’ that I had cancer. It was a vicious cycle.

I think, with your anxiety, if your brain hadn't found the vaccine to fixate on it would be fixating on something else.

Safe from what though? Anxiety will simply move on to another thing. Look back at your threads over the last month. It has just gone on from your risk of a walk outside, having a high bmi, returning to work, catching it from your ds, needing the jab , fear of the office environment, consequences of the jab, blood clots ... You need help to break the cycle.

As an aside, with a headache from a blood clot you would really struggle to post on mn. Write off today as a duvet day and see how you feel tomorrow. Call gp again and tell him/her how you really are, what you fear and ask how you can access help.

How were you before COVID? I have read many of your posts and your anxiety just jumps off the page at you.

Your risk of getting it hasnt changed with this news coming out - it still is a low as it was before.

Perinatal Mental Health has just been given a huge cash injection to develop and create better support. I would look into it in your area I think for you COVID/giving birth have created a perfect storm that you need some significant help

Funnily enough I have had a dull ache around my eyes too Now that I am pretty sure is not a blood clot on the brain suspect I would feel much worse So I did a bit of thinking checked with my optician and realised I hadn’t had a eye test sine 2017
I had AZ about 5 weeks ago

You'll never be completely safe from death. There is no safe zone. Any one of us might die tomorrow.

Right now you have a mental illness which has latched on to one of the many, many things which might possibly kill you in the near future (but probably won't), and, as it happens, has decided to obsess over a thing that's got less and less likely with every passing day to the point where it's probably now at the same level of likelihood as it was before you got vaccinated.

The relative risks should show you that your thinking is irrational and that therefore you need to ramp up your treatment.

You might die soon, this is true. And? So might any of us. That's irrelevant. It might even be of a blood clot. That's also irrelevant. What's relevant is that you are mentally ill and that's making your life miserable.

@PeterPomegranate, that must have been awful. I’m glad you got better; anxiety is such a terrifying and lonely illness when you’re in the grips of it. 💐

I have read the whole thread.

I’m not going to repeat advice you have been given over and over again.

I just want to know OP, assuming you actually want to feel better and not continue living/ feeling like this.

What are you now going to do?

If it’s easier to think of it this way - what would you tell your baby to do if it was them feeling like you do now.

Bizarrely, I actually think you, OP, ‘enjoy’ the anxiety; it’s what you know and are used to experiencing. This thread isn’t helping you - it’s just feeding the beast.

At the very least, accept you haven’t died today and try and get some rest tonight.

(My post sounds harsher than is meant. I wish you peace and a release from what must be an exhausting way of living).

I didn't mean to make you feel bad when I said I wondered if you needed in patient help but you're in a state of extreme distress. I know you think it's rational but it's not.

Did you have bad anxiety before having your baby? Some of the things you describe remind me of a friend who developed post partum psychosis. She believed things that weren't true and was extremely anxious /on edge. It wasn't recognised until the baby was over 1 and I think that delay in diagnosis is more common than you'd realise. She had treatment and is very happy and well now.

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

Bizarrely, I actually think you, OP, ‘enjoy’ the anxiety; it’s what you know and are used to experiencing. This thread isn’t helping you - it’s just feeding the beast.

At the very least, accept you haven’t died today and try and get some rest tonight.

No, sorry I really disagree with this. OP does not enjoy this.

@rosie1959

Funnily enough I have had a dull ache around my eyes too Now that I am pretty sure is not a blood clot on the brain suspect I would feel much worse So I did a bit of thinking checked with my optician and realised I hadn’t had a eye test sine 2017 I had AZ about 5 weeks ago

@rosie1959

You know, I’m also due an eye test and I have been back at work for 2 weeks using a computer, which I haven’t used for over a year!

Bizarrely, I actually think you, OP, ‘enjoy’ the anxiety; it’s what you know and are used to experiencing. This thread isn’t helping you - it’s just feeding the beast

Absolutely not. The op does not enjoy feeling like this.

I am also terrified of covid . I jump if I hear someone coughing when out and about.
Its horrid . Absolutely horrid and I don't enjoy it at all

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

Bizarrely, I actually think you, OP, ‘enjoy’ the anxiety; it’s what you know and are used to experiencing. This thread isn’t helping you - it’s just feeding the beast.

At the very least, accept you haven’t died today and try and get some rest tonight.

@YellowandGreenToBeSeen

There is absolutely nothing enjoyable about the way I’m living.

Positing on a forum for strangers to make me feel better because I’m unable to reassure myself.
I can’t rationalise. I can’t even trust my own opinion and judgment.

Trust when there is nothing that I enjoy about any of this.

Understood OP. As I said, I hope you get some peace tonight.