Page 3 | Ds is seriously down about the (possible) school news

Fuckadoodledoooo · 2021-02-22T15:03:26+00:00

He's year 13. In college. He hates it. Hates the college, hates his course. We moved here 8 weeks before the last lockdown. So he didn't make any friends (we had a drastic move so his accent doesn't fit, he just had a few of them taking the piss when he spoke, they nicknamed him Prince Harry the little shits). Honestly if it wasn't for lock down he would've quit. He only had to go back one day a week sept - dec and because of teachers isolating and bubbles bursting he only had to go in three times. He's only got a few months left but if I say that he gets so down. Nothing he can do about the course as he's so close to finishing. He'd have to do another 2 years in something else. He's fine well on the course at home. He had to chose that course as he failed maths gcse the first time and it was the only option his old school, where he had friends and was happy to stay did so he sucked it up there just to get the ucas points basically. We had to move suddenly, with 6 weeks notice. But at this new place he's miserable. But it was the only college here that would take him due to the course and the units he'd already done etc. Sorry didn't know what topic to put this in.

Labobo · 22/02/2021 16:31

Remind him it's a few weeks of his life. He doesn't have to like them or be liked by them. He just needs to focus on his course, get his grades and then he'll be out of there and never have to see the little shits again in his entire life.

He could have a word with pastoral tutors and tell them he was bullied before so is feeling a bit nervous of returning. Could they put him in touch with a couple of people who have also been excluded from the in crowds, just to hang out with at lunch times for those few weeks?

Most people will not have seen their friends for so long that they may be more open to new friendship groups forming - especially those who didn't have a strong bond or who had outgrown or grown away from their existing group.

Be very rational about it with him. 24 hours in each day. He spends only 7 max at school each day, so that's 17 per day when he is not around the little shits. If he can cycle, drive or get a lift he won't have to suffer them on transport. He can plan how to spend his lunch breaks - in the library, aiming for an extra grade or in the school gym etc. (I stayed at school but all my friends left and the people I was in 6th form with didn't like me at all. I was desperately lonely and it led to me getting straight As because I just revised during every single break. It can be to his advantage.)

Try to fix for him to have Zoom calls with old friends, and weekends back to your old town or a few of them over to stay as soon as that is legal again. Give him things like that to look forward to.

poppycat10 · 22/02/2021 16:31

@MyCatLovesFish

My DS Year 13 would prefer not to go back as he vastly prefers the online teaching. He is also worried about bringing covid home to me as I have a handful of conditions which mean I would probably be really ill.

Have you not been vaccinated yet?

EvilPea · 22/02/2021 16:32

I’ve got a year 7 who doesn’t want to go back either, she’s much happier at home learning.

Yours is so bloody close. It’s literally just weeks. I know it doesn’t help when people are being shits but it’s such a tiny bit of life for him - I know you see that. It’s just getting him to see that.
Have you worked it out in days for him to see? Not to mention a lot of those days will be filled with Uni And forward looking stuff

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 22/02/2021 16:33

Oh, I have every sympathy with you and him. I'm sorry, I'm not in England and anyway, it's a while since I've had anything to do with schools/colleges in any capacity, but will he not stop going into school for the last term, anyway, in order to revise for his exams at home?

TenShortStories · 22/02/2021 16:34

I really agree with those saying focus on how his emergency services career will involve dealing with similar idiots. It's all very well saying he'd cope then because he's paid to be there, but the reality is plenty drop out of jobs where they experience abuse because it's hard.

Ploughing through this, making note of coping strategies that work, finding the inner strength to tough it out without his mental health going under will be an amazing life skill. It may even be something good to talk about in his emergency services applications and interviews - how you've previously coped in difficult situations, what you learned about yourself etc. Maybe help him see it that way, grit his teeth and count down the days so he can use the experience to his advantage to get him the job he wants.

WanderingMilly · 22/02/2021 16:34

Well, I don't want the schools to go back either - I work in one - hate the bloody job and it isn't safe in schools anyway. But I'm an adult and I've already decided to hand in my notice when we're back.

If your son is 18 he's an adult too, I don't blame him not wanting to go back and if he doesn't like it, why force him to continue? Talk with him, ask if he's thought through the alternatives, what would he like to do instead? Get him to think about the possibilities for the future rather than the negative "I don't want to".

There are many youngsters of all ages who are happier at home, we've spent weeks and weeks hearing about these 'poor' children who are missing their friends, losing out on learning and whose mental health is suffering because they aren't in school.

It's about time we heard about the equal numbers of children who hate school, who have preferred being at home and whose mental health suffers because they're in a shit school.....

Chewingle · 22/02/2021 16:48

What a year to move him!

Poor thing - I feel for him

Perhaps this period may have been a bit of a reset? Allowing new relationships to form? Unlikely but possibly

fizzandchips · 22/02/2021 16:48

I’d be tempted to do as others have suggested ie continue with online work due to isolating/grandparents illness/public transport issues until Easter holidays (whilst telling DH/grandparents that his course is continuing online/ his year group are having to isolate) and then in Summer term it really will be a matter of weeks left to ‘endure’ with light at the end of the tunnel and he’ll know you were supportive with some smoke and mirrors pre Easter and will hopefully be happy to attend after Easter when school will also have a clearer idea of assessment/exam timetables.

Chewingle · 22/02/2021 16:49

-* (whilst telling DH/grandparents that his course is continuing online/ his year group are having to isolate)*

No, don’t lie

If you and he feel is for the best, then own it.

Hoppinggreen · 22/02/2021 16:50

My DD is Y11 and doesn’t want to go back
She feels like she left already

Mummyoflittledragon · 22/02/2021 16:50

WanderingMilly
I don’t agree, unless he’s going to have a breakdown, i think he should crack on.

A wall chart and crossing off the days, maybe highlighting all the days he isn’t in will make him see there are probably max only 55 days if he’s in 5 days a week when he has to see these idiots again. Maybe less if he has study leave etc.

BungleandGeorge · 22/02/2021 16:54

I presume the ones saying suck it up haven’t had a child who hates school. It’s pretty miserable for everyone sending them everyday year after year when they hate it. I’m sure he knows it is probably worth finishing now but as the closest to him he’s offloading to you.
I remember people saying ‘school days are the best days of your life’ to me and the opposite was true

chocolateisavegetable · 22/02/2021 16:55

My DD in Y13 also really, really doesn't want to go back. She'd much prefer to finish the course from home. You and your DS have our sympathies

Snowwaiting · 22/02/2021 16:56

I feel for you and him OP - but if he can get himself through these next few months he will only do well in the future as he will have built so much resilience . Being bullied is rotten and it can break you or you can be one of the ones who sticks the middle finger up figuratively , puts his head down and proves they’re the better more capable human by being successful and leaving the no hopers behind . Wishing you both the best of luck .

ktp100 · 22/02/2021 16:56

Yup, here too. My 7 year old is in bits about returning to school. He hates his teacher (she's shit and quite the bitch) and he's just bored shitless there. He's bright and isn't stretched at all, he's just going through the motions of a mindnumbing curriculum.

Showchin2 · 22/02/2021 16:59

@WellTidy

I think DS1 (13yo) would happily stay at home forever. He hasn't missed having to wear uniform, walking to the coach stop, coach journey there and back etc. He has loved being able to play his switch in lunchtimes at home, and make himself a nice milky drink in time for morning registration in his bedroom whilst he watches the birds out of the window!

I think it will be good for him to go to school as he is isolating himself at home, and its not good for him.

But he hasn't found this last year difficult, on the whole, unlike so many other children.

My youngest ds (year 7) is very much like this. School last year was extremely stressful due to the covid situation, and he has flourished during the online lessons. Just had a brilliant virtual parent's evening, where every teacher commented on how much better he was doing wfh. Possibly the fact that he hasn't been massively stressed out about bringing the virus home with him?

MeltedCioccolato · 22/02/2021 17:00

I take it you've moved from south to north OP? It's really tough moving them at that age - we've done it twice to our son but luckily although his accent set him apart both places we moved to he didn't get picked on because of it and they just gave him a friendly nickname. It did take a while for him to make friends both times though and I hated seeing him lonely at home. My best advice would be to get him to join sports teams close to where you live. Also keep talking with his tutor and let them know how unhappy he is. Maybe the tutor could set up some group activities and put him in a group with the less awful students so they have chance to actually get to know him a bit. If it's a level 2 BTEC you often find that many of the students that are on the course don't want to be there and had to find something to fill the time until they reach official leaving age so they tend to be quite disruptive which is tough for the tutor and tough for the students that want to learn.

lifeonhardmodept2 · 22/02/2021 17:01

@WanderingMilly

Well, I don't want the schools to go back either - I work in one - hate the bloody job and it isn't safe in schools anyway. But I'm an adult and I've already decided to hand in my notice when we're back.

If your son is 18 he's an adult too, I don't blame him not wanting to go back and if he doesn't like it, why force him to continue? Talk with him, ask if he's thought through the alternatives, what would he like to do instead? Get him to think about the possibilities for the future rather than the negative "I don't want to".

There are many youngsters of all ages who are happier at home, we've spent weeks and weeks hearing about these 'poor' children who are missing their friends, losing out on learning and whose mental health is suffering because they aren't in school.

It's about time we heard about the equal numbers of children who hate school, who have preferred being at home and whose mental health suffers because they're in a shit school.....

This!!

MeltedCioccolato · 22/02/2021 17:01

I work in an FE college btw.

Roselilly36 · 22/02/2021 17:04

That sounds really tough OP, we have just relocated too. Impossible for my teens to make friends, at the moment given COVID restrictions, they are nearly 20 & 18. Hopefully things will get better soon and your son will make some friends, and finish college, are they another other colleges in your new area that offer the same course? I appreciate it may be too late for that now. Thankfully my DS’s are settling well, they are still in contact with their old friends and plan to visit when they are able too. As a mum seeing your child upset is just the worse thing, sending you a hug. It’s still early days, your son will be ok.

Original poster

Fuckadoodledoooo · 22/02/2021 17:04

@Chewingle

What a year to move him!

Poor thing - I feel for him

Perhaps this period may have been a bit of a reset? Allowing new relationships to form? Unlikely but possibly

I know. We hung on as long as we could where we were in the cheapest house we could find to rent (no so cheap it was SE), but contract was up and landlord wanted to raise the rent...there was no place cheaper so we moved up here. There was no choice.

OP posts:

Magicalsundays · 22/02/2021 17:08

Can you organise him some emergency counselling through the GP, school or privately to get him through what is effectively between now and May.

iei March, April, May -but 2 weeks off for Easter, 1 week off in May and 1 week off for start of March -ie 3 weeks of that is holiday already.

oakleaffy · 22/02/2021 17:09

@Fuckadoodledoooo
I feel so sorry about your son.
Mum made me move from a Private school to a local Comp when I was 13.
She has a hatred of private schools, and the first day at the comp was awful.

I was asked my age, and said “ Thirteen”
The girls mocked
“Thirteen! thirteen!
We’re fur’heen

Until we were streamed out it was grim.
For a boy it is possibly worse.

Don’t blame him.. he cannot help his RP accent any more than they can help theirs.

GCSE maths with a good teacher is not so hard, could he have tuition?

My advice is to learn to nip any bullying hard in the bud.
Kids can be vile.
A hard punch can settle things much faster than anything else.

Original poster

Fuckadoodledoooo · 22/02/2021 17:10

@MeltedCioccolato

I take it you've moved from south to north OP? It's really tough moving them at that age - we've done it twice to our son but luckily although his accent set him apart both places we moved to he didn't get picked on because of it and they just gave him a friendly nickname. It did take a while for him to make friends both times though and I hated seeing him lonely at home. My best advice would be to get him to join sports teams close to where you live. Also keep talking with his tutor and let them know how unhappy he is. Maybe the tutor could set up some group activities and put him in a group with the less awful students so they have chance to actually get to know him a bit. If it's a level 2 BTEC you often find that many of the students that are on the course don't want to be there and had to find something to fill the time until they reach official leaving age so they tend to be quite disruptive which is tough for the tutor and tough for the students that want to learn.

SE to NE.

Dh family originally from here and his job had an office he could just transfer to, same job, same pay so it made sense really.

OP posts:

DinosaurDiana · 22/02/2021 17:12

My year 11 DS does not want to go back. Doesn’t see the point.