It's shit for everyone. Please stop competitive hardship

[MsMarch]

Argh. I'm so tired of this.

I know parents who are at home, working and homeschooling and really struggling.

I know parents with children at school because they are key workers who are stressed and struggling because they can't get wrap around care, they're at risk every time they go to work etc.

Other families are at home, not working but worrying about whether they're going to be able to pay the bills long term.

Old people are lonely.

Small children are lonely and not getting opportunities to socialise and learn.

High school children are getting hugely behind - this is a disaster.

KS1 children are missing the vast bulk of their early years education and getting hugely behind, this is a disaster.

Children with any kind of additional needs are getting less support and falling further behind. This is a disaster.

People living alone are totally isolated and incredibly lonely.

People with families are struggling with being cooped up in their house/flat etc with no respite.

the list goes on.

I can have my own struggle and feel really stressed about it but that doesn't mean I think my issues are more important than the person next door who has different struggles and stresses. I am so tired of this inability of so many of us to see this. One woman left our class WhatsApp group in a huff because 1/3 of the children are back at school and she is so angry about it and thinks the parents are taking the piss. I mean, FFS.

Thank you!! People have turned on each other. There is a lot of 'well my life is shit, so you cant complain about yours!! If you do then you are selfish!!' .

The pandemic really has shown how many people are lacking in general empathy.

Its not a competition, no. However as a PP said it's not a level playing field either. We're all riding the same storm but in completely different boats. Can't really blame people for having enough and getting upset.

I'm sympathetic to misery, but I honestly think it's pretty shameful to be complaining about boredom right now, when so many others are struggling to keep their heads above water with work, kids, or actual illness

Boredom is a pretty big part of a part of a lot of people's misery right now.

Life feeling dull, stale and pointless is a part of boredom. Lack of motivation to do anything is a part of boredom. Isolation is a part of boredom. Feeling disconnected from your partner or even children are a part of boredom. All or some of that can lead to depression and misery.

I totally agree that competitive misery is pointless. That includes being sympathetic even to those I think 'have it better'.

@BooFuckingHoo2

Sorry but I don’t agree.

I think single people, living alone have it by FAR the hardest. There’s a reason solitary confinement is used as a form of torture.

I have a good friend who’s 38 and unable to meet a potential partner for almost a year now, she lives alone and is conscious biology is not on her side in terms of having a family. Not only that but she can’t even go out and have fun with friends/family anymore.

You can’t use one single person’s experience to speak for every single person. I have a single friend loving lockdown as he’s quite introverted and is ‘making a packet’ in his own words. Similarly all parents will have varying degrees of how shit they are finding this, some will be at the end of their they get, others enjoying time baking and crafting with their darling cherubs. Everyone’s experience of this are different whatever their home set up. Anecdotal evidence of who has it worst is pointless.

@BooFuckingHoo2

Sorry but I don’t agree.

I think single people, living alone have it by FAR the hardest. There’s a reason solitary confinement is used as a form of torture.

I have a good friend who’s 38 and unable to meet a potential partner for almost a year now, she lives alone and is conscious biology is not on her side in terms of having a family. Not only that but she can’t even go out and have fun with friends/family anymore.

Harder than another single person who is living in a share house with people they're not close to, but still can't even form a bubble with a family? Or harder than single parents trying to WFH with children struggling to home school? Or adults with developmental issues stuck in care homes without family visits and no understanding of why? Or women stuck with abusive partners and nowhere to go? Or a couple with kids where the husband's self employed business is going under but minimal financial support is available and the wife is redundant with under two year's service and no package, wondering how to pay the rent. Or an older woman at home with her husband with dementia, shielding and so not able to see her children and grandchildren to have support or any caring respite.

There's no monopoly on hardship.

@Ijustreallywantacat

Eh, I cant really blame anyone for being angry, fed up, upset, etc right now. I find the attitude of 'we're in the same boat stop moaning' most unhelpful. Its exactly the sort of thing that stops people seeking help, because they feel guilty about being sad!

People need to sound off, and I do my best for the people I love, to listen to them, as I know I'd want them to listen to me.

Agree 100%.

I wouldn’t moan about how hard working and partially homeschooling is in front of someone who’d lost their job, for instance.

I think THIS is perhaps what I am finding really hard. I do actually agree that some people have it harder than others. But I disagree that it's only one specific group who have it harder. So I get frustrated at suggestions that ALL parents should stop moaning because ALL single people have it worse. But I do totally agree with situations like @BooFuckingHoo2 is referencing above where one person is particularly and uniquely suffering more than many others.

I guess it's the difference between, "I'm really struggling because of [insert reasons]" which I'm very sympathetic to, vs, "Only parents like me can possibly understand how hard this lockdown is" for which I have zero sympathy.

Also get frustrated at people not thinking about other situations or even caring that there might be something they can't see. The woman who exited our class group for example, I can easily see why she's struggling. But does she care why DS is in school or does she just think we're taking the piss? Because DH and I are terrified that DS, already behind, was dropping so much further behind that the chances of him ever catching up (and by catching up I mean simply achieving a level that would allow him to ultimately complete GCSE level education) were becoming smaller by the day. Meanwhile, DH has not been earning a penny and my income was extremely unstable at the beginning. My challenges are not worse than hers I suspect, just different. And both of us are probably better off than the single mother on minimum wage who has been furloughed at 80%.

@MarshaBradyo

*I don’t agree. Some are having a really hard time and it’s fine to try and get support.

Also if people vent and say or do things that show frustration I don’t think it’s surprising.*

My thoughts exactly. It's actually a dangerous road to go down to try and encourage people not to vent as for some, it's a safety valve. At the end of this, everyone will have a story to tell for sure. But it must be ok for people to feel able to tell that story in whatever way they can if it prevents a crisis, or enables them to get support.

And also, aren't we all guilty of venting every now and again? It's human nature to compare yourself to others, and to consciously verbalise or process disparity.

Misery loves company

Completely agree. This time last year we were homeless so we actually feel that we've had quite a good year on the whole. While we were in the shelter things went from: the virus was an occasional story at the end of the news to OMG are we going to be stuck in this tiny place, paying a fortune on storage fees, during a pandemic which could last goodness knows how long. Homelessness was worse TBH! That's not to say we're not bored rigid & worried about money, having both lost our jobs.

All the people who say stop moaning others have it harder are generally overpriviliged Corona obsessives who are keen to minimise the harm of lockdown because they support zero covid. Imo.

My thoughts exactly. It's actually a dangerous road to go down to try and encourage people not to vent as for some, it's a safety valve.

Agree, venting is key quite frankly.

Getting annoyed with other people because you think they don't have it as hard as you is different.

100% agree.
As I like to say, it’s not ‘shit life olympics’

It’s not the same for everyone. I can’t really complain tbh. Yes I’m bored, yes I miss my friends, going on holiday and out for meals but bloody hell compared to what some poor buggers are having to cope with my situation is more than ok.

It is shit generally, but definitely more shit for some that for others, and a few they might even be doing well. I am particularly irked by those who crow “oh, we are saving SOOO much money! It’s great!” If that’s true, then wonderful for you, but those of us financially hard hit by this crisis don’t want to hear about it.

There a new thread almost daily where the OP claims they have it worse than everyone else or that their toddler/teen/mum/single friend is in a forgotten group. I think everyone deserves a good moan so I never reply but I do think those who have it bad aren't posting on here. I mean it is crap but imagine living in a damp flat where you can't afford heating or internet along with all the other truly crap situations you could be in.

@TheAvenger

but it's not shit for everyone and it is a lot shittier for some than for others. It's not a level playing field at all..

Life has never been fair for everyone, why would it be any different now?

It's fine to vent and actually should be encouraged but it not ok to say to someone 'Well its ok for you as you have XYZ'

My brother who lives alone does this all the time - says its ok for me as I have DH and DC. No thought for the fact that I am working on reduced salary in a precarious job, home-schooling and making sure DM is ok and have literally not a minute to myself. I don't think I am having a particularly bad pandemic but I really don't want to reminded of that when I am feeling low.

that their toddler/teen/mum/single friend is in a forgotten group

Yes, this. I always roll my eyes when parents of teenagers come on to say that THEIR children are suffering the worst. Only to be beaten down by parents of toddlers who claim THEIR children are suffering the worst.

DD has missed a ridiculous amount of her early years learning. This is bad. But my friend's children are trying to start high school/prepare for GCSEs in lockdown which is also bad. Her children, at an individual level may be better/worse off (eg her daughter who struggles anyway is struggling with being in Year 7 and in lockdown but then, my DS has some additional needs that are not being met properly. Both her DS and my DD are, relatively speaking, doing okay). In person, we can talk knowing these things without getting upset that either of us is suggesting the other one's child has it easy.

@merrygoround51

It's fine to vent and actually should be encouraged but it not ok to say to someone 'Well its ok for you as you have XYZ'

My brother who lives alone does this all the time - says its ok for me as I have DH and DC. No thought for the fact that I am working on reduced salary in a precarious job, home-schooling and making sure DM is ok and have literally not a minute to myself. I don't think I am having a particularly bad pandemic but I really don't want to reminded of that when I am feeling low.

Yes, this. The assumption that everyone else is just fine because they're not struggling with MY problem.

Its not shit for someone I know, who has carried on (upuntil recently) with foreign holidays, parties, family parties, meals in the upstairs of her local and so on.

Obviously I appreciate there are exceptions/specific circumstances, but I stand by my comment that single people living alone have it particularly hard at the moment.

I’m generalising here but most single people I know revolved their lives around going to work (as in going to the office), visiting family and spending time with friends/going out etc. They have lost all of that as a result of the pandemic. I personally have been unable to do almost all of the previous things I used to enjoy and it can be cripplingly lonely.

I have friends with children and whilst they do miss going out, going to work etc. their previous lives revolved around their partners and children and they still have that. I don’t doubt being with kids 24/7 is hard, but without sounding twee I’m sure in most cases there’s still plenty to find joy in having a partner and kids.

I haven’t mentioned job loss etc. because I think that applies equally across both groups.

By MN standards I guess I fall into the "incredibly lucky" category and I try to keep it all in perspective, but it doesn't make it any less upsetting that I haven't seen either of my children for a year now, have missed my grandson's first birthday (and soon his second), can't offer any practical help to my daughter who is trying to WFH with two small children and that there is no realistic end in sight.

Just getting through one day at a time.

@BooFuckingHoo2 you sound like you live alone and don’t have kids yourself? If this is the case then I’m unsure how you can judge anyone else’s life as better than yours at the minute when you haven’t walked a minute in their shoes. You are merely making generic observations on couples from the outside with no real knowledge of their lives. I am married with a child and I can assure you my life does not revolve around my husband or my child. Life isn’t a fairy tale and he isn’t Prince Charming, I still enjoy all the things I did when I was single as I’m still the same person. I miss seeing family and friends, going out to restaurants and the theatre etc just the same as a single person. We are all on a sliding scale of shittiness at the minute and no one group has it better or worse, everyone has their individual circumstances.