Should I just go?

[BathFullOfEels]

I’m in Devon (tier 3 now but my borough had the lowest infection rate in the country last week), sister is in South Wales.

She had a baby early November and also has a 4yo. She’s been ‘odd’ since then - I suspect PND but I’ve only been having phone calls with her as she won’t Zoom call for some reason. Her husband has had to go and look after his terminally ill mother in another country and due to new restrictions it looks like he won’t be back for the next few weeks.

I spoke to Dsis on Christmas Day and she seemed ok - her 4yo was happily chatting away and telling me about her presents. But since then she hasn’t picked up the phone and is only occasionally responding to text messages. The responses are generally short and to the point and nothing like her normal messages.

As far as I know she doesn’t have many close friends in the area. I’m desperately worried about her, as is her husband who she also won’t answer the phone to - she’s just sending him occasional photos of the baby and no text at all.

Can I/ should I go up? If I get stopped would that be an acceptable reason to be travelling. I won’t even go into her house, I just want to talk to her and make sure she’s ok. I’m sort of tempted to ask someone to do a welfare check but she’ll know it was me/ her husband and might cut us off further.

Wwyd?

You should definitely tell her GP. They won't discuss your dsis with you, but you can tell them everything you've told us.

Please tell her GP. I don't think anyone realised how bad my PND was, until I ran away with DD and ended up in hospital. I wish I'd had someone to help me before it got that bad :(

I think you need to be honest with her about your concerns. If she says she is fine then you need to tell her what you’ve told us ‘you’re not fine, you seem spaced out and not like how you normally are’ share your concerns with her and be honest and direct. She needs to hear that and she may admit more once she knows you’re not buying the ‘I’m fine’ line

Definitely go x

Unless you are very very worried I would be careful of doing anything behind her back. Tell her what you think, ask her about Antidepressants in such a way it’s clear there’s no judgement. She was relieved and happy to see you. She’s going through a very hard time and it’s probably taking all her energy to keep things going for her DD and baby. Is there any way you could move closer, move in for a bit? I know you have your own kids, just trying to think through scenarios. If you want to talk to her GP or anyone else to make sure she has support tell her, and bring her into the plan. Make sure she knows you’re not doing it because you think she’s not coping, she is coping, but because she’s your sister you love her and you want her to have support while you’re far away.

Well done for going btw, you sound like a lovely sister.

I would gently insist on staying the day and the night, at least, if you can extend. You can tell a lot by staying overnight with someone in their home but my other aim would be to take over care of the DC as much as possible so that she can get some rest. If she's genuinely worried about the baby keeping you awake, rather than feeling she can't keep up the pretence of being ok, she's not getting much sleep is she? Recent childbirth, a baby, a young DC, a house to run, now on her own - it's exhausting and lonely, even without concerns of possible PND. I'd be more worried that the house is so tidy, especially as you arrived unannounced!

She's coping but she's not ok. You know this. I wouldn't keep asking if she's fine. I'd gently say how well she seems to be coping, what a fantastic mum she is, but also be open about what is concerning you and see how she responds to that. I think ringing the helpline mentioned by a pp for advice is a good idea. As I said before, I do think you need to share your concerns with her GP - ideally go along with her for a face to face appointment, even in these times of Covid. From my own experience there are great, ok and awful HVs - has she got a poor one or has she taken against the HV because of how she's feeling inside? Hard to know, but as she's been signed off anyway - second baby, presenting as coping - the GP might be better.

Good luck, OP.

I have no useful advice really OP but I think as you are concerned, doing something is better than doing nothing. Other posters seem to have some suggestions in that regard.

Good luck

I’ve just got home - couldn’t stay longer as exdh has to get back for work and dc are at school tomorrow. I told her that I thought she wasn’t well and asked her to come down and stay with me for a while. I think she will, I have a completely separate annex that she can live in that exdh used to live in before he moved out.

She’s still insisting she’s fine. I know her dh spoke to her yesterday after I’d gone and he tried to persuade her to come down to mine too. He doesn’t even know if he’ll be allowed back this month as all flights are suspended from the country he’s currently in.

I told her that I thought she wasn’t well and asked her to come down and stay with me for a while. I think she will, I have a completely separate annex that she can live in that exdh used to live in before he moved out.

This sounds like a good plan, fingers crossed she will take you up on the offer. Well done for being a supportive sister to her

I really don’t want to get other people involved without her knowledge. She seems really unpredictable at the moment and as she’s so far away she could easily just cut me off. Also I don’t want to upset her further.

She’s hopefully going to come down to mine tomorrow. She’s just spending today sorting stuff out and asking someone to look after her cat.

That’s excellent news @BathFullOfEels. I hope it’s not too much for you, but honestly the best thing for her right now is to be with someone who has her best interests at heart.

You’re an amazing sister

You sound like a lovely sister, I’m so glad she was happy to see you and I hope she takes you up on your offer of coming to stay with you, it sounds like the perfect solution with you having the separate annex.

That really does sound like the ideal solution, and lovely of you to offer. Hopefully she’ll feel supported but can still be independent. Make it lovely and cosy and well stocked for her so she feels she can see you for support rather than feel she has to live as part of your household and she might open up more. But just having support with an awol DH might be enough for her. You are awesome, sorry your mum wasn’t supportive.

Well done OP this is a great update, I'm so pleased you've been and hopefully she will come to stay with you.

That’s great

I am so pleased to see your updates -you are literally the light at the end of the tunnel for your sister! Please get her near you-just to be around normality and having someone else around to bear the responsibility of a newborn and toddler will help her. I had severe pnd after my first baby, I had no idea what was wrong with me. Feeling nothing but dread every time my DS moved incase he woke up and needed me. It was only after having my second child that I realised the happiness and joy of having a baby-frankly I was terrified that it would happen again. Please keep us updated if you can x

Boiling frog analogy. Perhaps she didn't realise how bad she'd got as she was "coping" but is now relieved that you are there to help shoulder her burden.