Christmas - for those with a terminally ill relative

[CarriesFlower82]

Please can you talk to me about whether you will be abiding by Tier 4 rules this Christmas if you have a terminally ill relative?

I don’t want to say too much as it could be outting, but I have a seriously ill parent. End stage liver disease and a host of other medical problems. They have been in and out of hospital all year but increasingly over the past three months. We have been told the medication and treatment plan is not working. The condition will only deteriorate and likely a year left.

We are all now Tier 4, a 15 min drive from each other. We’ve seen each other frequently during the year as my parents have provided childcare and also when things have taken a bad turn with this patent’s health, we’ve met up to support each other. Please don’t flame me, there have been so many times in the past three months we thought they wouldn’t even make it through the night. It's been frightening and hard for us all.

The plan was to stay at my parents for three nights over Christmas knowing this is their last one. I am sure people think I’m being over the top and should suck it up, but it was the last chance for a proper family Christmas, in my childhood home, grandparents both together and with their grandchildren. I can’t help but feel sentimental and upset. I don't have the luxury of saying we can do it next year, there is no next Christmas for them.

They want to go ahead and see me, DS11 months and DD4, but I’m wracked with guilt and feel so uncomfortable about doing this. We've been isolating as have they so it's not the risk that bothers me, that's always been there and the parent's view is they are dying anyway. At the same time my heart is breaking because I know I will loose them soon and this is little get together is all that has been keeping them going. I’m worried they will give up but I just feel so uncomfortable going ahead.

No real answers, whatever I do I’m going to feel upset. I’m so sick of this year and so unhappy.

I’m not in your situation but I would do it and not give it a moment’s thought.

I would do it too. It’s all very well BJ saying you can celebrate next year but many won’t have that opportunity.

Personally, I wouldn’t be taking notice of it with a terminally ill parent. I always abide by the rules but feel like this should be the exception. You will never get that time back. Please don’t feel guilty. I feel like the rules can’t be written to cover everyone but no one would expect you not to have one last Christmas together.

OP heartbreaking . I’m not tier 4 but in your shoes I would honestly go ahead with your plans and feel no guilt. I honestly think you would regret not going ahead and that regret would eat at you for a very long time.

The rules have always been that you can visit people who are terminally ill.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

My understanding is that there are call outs in the rules where people are terminally ill, to enable people to be together at this time. I don’t see that the new Tier 4 would change this, maybe I am missing something though.

In your situation I would see them at Christmas.
Do what is right for your family.
The thousands fleeing London and risking taking it with them are selfish, you seeing a dying parent is not.

The rules are clear that in this sort of situation, where someone in your bubble is alone and suffering you are allowed to travel etc.

I wouldn't think twice. You are safe, you have already been isolating..

Don't feel any guilt, do what is best for your family. You are all in Tier 4 anyway. My oh is a carer for a terminally ill relative and we will all be visiting him on Christmas day, otherwise he would be spending the day alone which is just cruel. He wants to watch the children open their gifts and that's not a lot to ask for, covid or no covid (we are also tier 4).

They are not alone. They live with my other parent. My sister would also come too with her partner.

I'm so worried about not doing the right thing, the NHS (who have been amazing to my family) and us being reported! I'm going round and round in my head and whatever I do I'm going to struggle with anxiety and guilt.

I would be doing this without a moments hesitation. We didn't know that last Christmas would be my fil last Xmas, or that the one before that would be my mil last Xmas. Be with your family and don't feel bad about it. You can't get that time back and neither can your children.

In your situation I wouldn't think twice about going.

Please go and have a wonderful time- there is nothing to feel guilty about

This is our situation too except we would have to travel an hour to get there.
We are all T4.

All Im seeing everywhere is how selfish people are being for doing their own thing and how they're making it worse for everyone. I don't want to be that person or people to think that of me.

I would absolutely go. Not even sure it’s against the rules as it would be under providing care surely?

But I would absolutely go anyway.

I'm "lucky" in the sense my dad now needs 24h care and my mum is his carer.

We live in the same town and now with the change in support bubble rules we are officially a bubble with them.

But we had been bubbling anyway as my mum couldn't have coped without our help before the change.

If we lived far apart though I'm not sure what we'd do. I really feel for anyone in that situation. And wouldn't blame them ignoring the rules.

Please don't feel guilty.

My opinion is that the reduction to one day seeing family is to try and reduce the amount of contacts people have i.e. different family and friends over the five days.

If you are staying in the same household with the same people, it will not make any difference.

I was in the same situation as you a few years ago. Our last Christmas as a family was very special and something I'll always treasure.

Just go.
If I was terminal if absolutely want the chance for a last Christmas with my family.
Yea there will be risks, but even if covid didn’t exist there would be risks from other infections too. Life is a balance but def in this one I’d go.

I don’t think many people at all would moan about people seeing a relative with a terminal condition.

Do it, enjoy it and have a wonderful Xmas together.

Op, you are legally allowed to go.

I'm not sure why it's going round your head, the facts are there in black and white... It's OK you can go.

Go and feel guilt free. Sorry you are in this situation, it's hard enough (I've been there) without adding additional problems to it... But really, do not worry...

It's so difficult because it's us 5, SIL and family, SIL2 and husband.

So there's no way we can 'bend' the rules. It would be a huge flouting.

I feel like, if we go, we should just all stay there for a few nights. As what difference does it make 1 or 3 nights?

MIL definitely won't see next Christmas and was only recently diagnosed.

Life sucks.

@TheRubyRedshoes How is it allowed? Is it through support bubbles?

Op, you worrying about what people think of you, is a self esteem issue to work on a different time.

It's not for now, surely the priority is your parent and what they want and think, the wishes of someone who is terminally ill?

If you have a child under 1 it would be allowed anyway wouldn’t it? I really feel for you

Devil's I don't know how to link but on several threads about this, others have linked to the precise guidance.

OP, fwiw, if it were my parent I would go and stay for as long as I had planned previously.