Christmas - for those with a terminally ill relative

[CarriesFlower82]

Please can you talk to me about whether you will be abiding by Tier 4 rules this Christmas if you have a terminally ill relative?

I don’t want to say too much as it could be outting, but I have a seriously ill parent. End stage liver disease and a host of other medical problems. They have been in and out of hospital all year but increasingly over the past three months. We have been told the medication and treatment plan is not working. The condition will only deteriorate and likely a year left.

We are all now Tier 4, a 15 min drive from each other. We’ve seen each other frequently during the year as my parents have provided childcare and also when things have taken a bad turn with this patent’s health, we’ve met up to support each other. Please don’t flame me, there have been so many times in the past three months we thought they wouldn’t even make it through the night. It's been frightening and hard for us all.

The plan was to stay at my parents for three nights over Christmas knowing this is their last one. I am sure people think I’m being over the top and should suck it up, but it was the last chance for a proper family Christmas, in my childhood home, grandparents both together and with their grandchildren. I can’t help but feel sentimental and upset. I don't have the luxury of saying we can do it next year, there is no next Christmas for them.

They want to go ahead and see me, DS11 months and DD4, but I’m wracked with guilt and feel so uncomfortable about doing this. We've been isolating as have they so it's not the risk that bothers me, that's always been there and the parent's view is they are dying anyway. At the same time my heart is breaking because I know I will loose them soon and this is little get together is all that has been keeping them going. I’m worried they will give up but I just feel so uncomfortable going ahead.

No real answers, whatever I do I’m going to feel upset. I’m so sick of this year and so unhappy.

Do not feel guilty as you say you ve been isolating seeing them isn't going to increase any risk to anyone, have your last Christmas together as a family you ll regret it if you don't.

Go. We lost MIL suddenly over the Summer and we hadn’t sen her as she was shielding. It eats you up inside, go and see them

Seen her...

Yes OP has an under 1. As do I. So that's allowed for any amount of time then isn't it?

I have a different view from everyone else.

Our dear friends were in the situation a few months ago, so I know what it’s like and my heart goes out to you and your family.

In your situation I wouldn’t go, unless the whole household visiting can self isolate for 14 days before you go. I would be afraid that I’d take Covid to my relative, which could lead to their death now, when they perhaps have a year left.

My friend who had cancer obeyed all the rules for this reason, until she knew she only had a few weeks left. At that point, all her children and grandchildren visited her freely and some of her children stayed over to provide care, which allowed her to stay at home until the end, surrounded by her family.

The harsh reality is that if you give Covid to your parent, they will have to be admitted to hospital where they will be alone and perhaps die alone. If they pass it on to their spouse before they are admitted to hospital . that person won’t be with them at the end because they won’t be allowed into the hospital.

My other friend's relatives are in that situation now . Both Covid positive - he ( 88) is at home with relatively minor symptoms and she ( 92) is dying in hospital, unable to hear him on the phone or see him on an iPad. They have no children and only the niece is able / willing to see her.

It’s no way to go after more than 60 years of marriage.

@TheWitchwithNoName so sorry for your loss

Go. I would.

I am in a similar situation and I would. Sorry you are going through it too

@C0NNIE
Surely that’s for the person who is unwell to make the call about what risks they want to take and what is important to them though isn’t it?

You raise a valid point though, because it obviously is a risk.

It’s a hard decision op!

Please go. Don't feel guilty for a second (and I am one of the people who usually say stick to the rules).

Of course you should go, you shouldn't even have to question this. My mum is terminal and until recently receiving immunotherapy. We are tier 2 so not the same circumstances. She won't be here next Xmas and I've been taking her where ever she wants to go whilst she still can as I know she will deteriorate rapidly. My mum doesn't want her last few months spent isolated in her house with her mental health suffering as well as having terminal cancer. Please go and treasure that time x

I would do it in a heartbeat. No regrets.

I lost my mum this year after a long illness and it's my greatest regret that she did not see her grandchildren (who she adored) in her last few months because of lockdown. We were trying to protect her but given she died anyway I now wonder if that was the right decision.

We had hoped we might have this last Christmas with her but it was not to be. If she was still here I would be playing the supporting a person in need card and giving her the Christmas she wanted.

Please go and enjoy it and have no regrets.

I broke lockdown to visit my seriously ill father earlier in the year, I enjoyed the time and will never regret doing what was right for me.

How is the persons health currently, will they cope with all the extra visitors, toddlers? 3 days is a long time and if only 15 mins from your home, do you need to all stay overnight?

I’m in a similar situation but it involves the Scotland-England border. I don’t think I’m allowed to cross over. If it was within country travel I would do it.

Go. Don’t even think about it.

You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don’t.

OP if you have a child under 1 you can form a support bubble with their household.
So you & they are considered 1 household- even in tier 4.

Legally under that rule you can see them.

Morally I'd go. I can if legally I couldn't. Absolutely.

Please go, and please don't feel guilty. My dad died suddenly a few weeks ago, due to the restrictions and how far away he lived I hadn't seen him since last Christmas. I wasn't planning to visit this Christmas and assumed I'd be able to see him during next year and next Christmas. If you know your parent won't be here next Christmas, you should go and see them.

I would do it and I wouldn’t even look back.

My mum died in a hospice as she had always wanted. They did not have the same visiting restrictions and so we were all together at the end.

I would not have let her go to the acute hospital even if she did have COVID as that was not her wish and she obviously could not be saved.

If they had banned visiting due to Covid I think we would have insisted she die at home. I do wonder a bit why people are not taking that option rather than a loved one dying alone in hospital. Will they not let you take the person home if they have COVID? Usually that is a valid choice that is supported to die at home.

If there was anyone close to me who wasn't going to get another Christmas I wouldn't even think twice about us all getting together.

I'm so sorry OP

My dad has a terminal diagnosis after being misdiagnosed at the beginning of lockdown. He has weeks, a few months at most. I live 300 miles away. Since he became ill 4 months ago I have visited and stayed several times (I’m there at the moment). I live in an area of Scotland that was level 4 and on Boxing Day the whole of mainland Scotland will become level 4 again. I’ve been stopped several times by the police, either while actually making the journey to see him, or while I am actually there, driving him to hospital etc in my own car. I’ve not had anything but kindness and courtesy from the police when I explain where I’m going/what I’m doing, and they have always sent me on my way with their good wishes.

@ilovecherries that's reassuring

Yes maybe you could get a letter from your relatives Dr if it makes you feel better.

My dad had a letter stating he was the main carer for a terminally ill person as he would get stopped going to collect her (hospital only can't be posted) medication during lockdown.

We're tier 2, but MIL (lives with FIL) is terminally ill with a form of lung cancer so probably a cold would kill her right now. The plan was that they would be with BIL1/SIL1 on Christmas day, me DH, ds and BIL2/SIL2 on Boxing day to maximise social distancing in the houses and as she won't manage very long, or too many people.
She can't tolerate any cold or wind now, so we can't see them outside either.
Its been awful knowing she is so very, very life limited and not being able to be with them, make the most of the time left and do nice things, but otoh, FIL would never forgive anyone if she got infected