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Original poster

DSS gone to party .. WWYD

84 replies

LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 13:52

DP and I are a bit lost for words at the moment.

DSS came to us yesterday and asked could he go round to his mate's 18th birthday party tomorrow (so today). We're in tier 2 so we asked what the party was going to be like.

He said just the usual, food, drinks, music etc. Indoors.

We obviously said sorry but you can't really go as it's against the rules - there's 10 of them going, plus the person's family I assume, with alcohol, staying overnight, and apparently the parents are okay with this?

We're high risk of infection (we've had it already but we can still carry the virus, I assume) due to both DP's job and DSS's mum's job, who he sees regularly. He's supposed to be swapping households for Christmas at the weekend, and their Christmas bubble includes DSS's mum's elderly parents. He has a driving lesson tomorrow so a) in close proximity to his instructor and b) will probably be horrifically hungover. This is all pretty irrelevant though, as it's against the rules! Which we said.

He normally does whatever he's told, and doesn't do what he's asked not to. This morning he popped to the shop (literally just down the road) to get us some milk as he used the last of it, and he didn't come back.

DP phoned him to ask what was taking him so long as it's literally 100m up the road, and he said sorry but he'd gone to his mate's house and would be staying there until the party later, as it was unfair he had to miss out.

We don't know where this mate lives, we don't even know his name - obviously if we'd said he could go we'd have found out where he was going, but as it's just so obviously 100% against every single rule at the moment DP just said no without even getting any more information. DSS just said one of the lads from college, so I'm guessing it's not a high school friend as he would have mentioned him by name as we know them. So no idea where he is, and he's now turned his phone off.

What the hell would you do? DP is so angry with him, not only for going against what he'd said, but for being so irresponsible and selfish. We're both annoyed at ourselves for not knowing where he is (maybe we should have asked for more info, but it didn't seem important as he 'wasn't going' and we just wanted the topic changed before an argument started), or not smelling a rat when he offered to go and get more milk.

WWYD if your son did that?

Punishments are difficult as he's off to his mum's tomorrow as mentioned above.. but DP doesn't want him thinking he can just do whatever he likes, walk out without telling us, and then just come back like nothing's happened.

OP posts:
20viona · 17/12/2020 13:56

Is he 18? I suppose he can make his own decisions however this close to Xmas in the current climate his actions feel a little thoughtless.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2020 13:57

He can go straight to his mum’s from the party and stay there. I wouldn’t have him in your house again today after the epic piss taking going on.

Lifeispassingby · 17/12/2020 13:58

You can’t really punish him but you need to sit him down and explain the reasons for the social distance rules. That said he asked your permission and you said no and he ignored that so I would be disappointed and wouldn’t hold back letting him know that either

ifonly4 · 17/12/2020 14:02

He might be 18, but he's still living in a household bubble and old enough to understand, respect the restrictions and do his share to protect his household. I have a 19 year old who is very careful, but I'd be really angry is she did this. To be honest I think I'd want himto isolate from us on his return.

DreamingofaShiteChristmas · 17/12/2020 14:03

I think I’d be saying go straight to his mum’s as hes not coming back to yours straight after breaking your rules like that. He might be 18 but your house, your rules. If he wants to be with you he had to abide by them. I do have children this age so this isn’t just theoretical. I’d be giving his mum a heads up though as it sounds as though there are vulnerable people on her side.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/12/2020 14:03

You don’t need to punish him, you do need to practise natural consequences - choose not to abide by your rules of this household (or, you know, the actual law) you don’t get to enjoy the benefits of this household.

Original poster
LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 14:04

@20viona

Is he 18? I suppose he can make his own decisions however this close to Xmas in the current climate his actions feel a little thoughtless.
No he's 17 - one of the younger ones in his year x
OP posts:
Original poster
LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 14:05

Sorry everyone, I should have said he's 17. It's his friend's 18th but he's one of the younger ones in his year so won't be 18 himself until the summer.

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DialsMavis · 17/12/2020 14:09

He has acted really rashly and I suspect he will regret being so silly. Can you speak with him rationally and ask him to really think and reconsider? Treat him like the adult he thinks that he is, despite the fact he is acting like a silly child.

Will all of the other guests be classmates? Maybe he thinks as they are all together all day it makes little difference. This is how my 18 year old feels

Waspnest · 17/12/2020 14:13

Agree with pp. I'd tell him to go straight to his mum's, at least that way fewer people are exposed to him. And tell him that he can explain to his mum why he is willing to risk his GPs catching it.

I would be so cross about this but he's at an age where he can deal with the fallout from his actions. And I'd get DP to explain the situation to his ex so that she is aware of what's happened.

InDubiousBattle · 17/12/2020 14:14

If you've already had the virus and there are vulnerable people in his mother's bubble it's safer for him to stay with you? I'd cancel his planned switch to his mum's and ask him to cancel (but still pay for)his driving lesson. If he's a reasonable sort of lad generally then I expect your disappointment and that of his mum and elderly relatives on her side will be pretty unpleasant for him.

Motorina · 17/12/2020 14:14

You might want to give the driving instructor the heads up, as he might be over the limit still, which puts the instructor at risk.

Hayeahnobut · 17/12/2020 14:18

Is he in a bubble with these people at school/ college? It's difficult to tell him that they can't have a party together, when they can be together at school all day.

Original poster
LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 14:19

@DialsMavis

He has acted really rashly and I suspect he will regret being so silly. Can you speak with him rationally and ask him to really think and reconsider? Treat him like the adult he thinks that he is, despite the fact he is acting like a silly child.

Will all of the other guests be classmates? Maybe he thinks as they are all together all day it makes little difference. This is how my 18 year old feels

Reconsider what? He walked out and went to his mate's house, and has now switched his phone off. We have no way of contacting him now.

On the whole he is actually quite a mature young man, which is why we were so stunned he's done this.

A few people were classmates, but there are a couple who aren't apparently. Plus I don't see that it makes a difference as their classes have been online since the 10th so it's not a case of they'd have been infected anyway as they haven't seen each other.

Thanks for the advice everyone. DP has been in touch with DSS's mum and explained what's happened. She's thinking about things and will get back to us (she's shocked too, it's so out of character). Good shout about getting in touch with the driving instructor too. We will do this.

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Original poster
LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 14:20

@Hayeahnobut

Is he in a bubble with these people at school/ college? It's difficult to tell him that they can't have a party together, when they can be together at school all day.
He is - BUT they haven't had classes in person since the 10th so he hasn't seen those people. I could almost accept the point if they'd been in college together today for example and then gone to the lad's house, but they moved to online specifically so that people could isolate before Christmas if they wanted to, so it's not a case of they'd have infected each other anyway.
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ScrapThatThen · 17/12/2020 14:22

He'll feel bad himself. Don't have a preconceived idea about what to say or do. He's seventeen and usually good and will have to now isolate or miss out somehow. Be pragmatic.

GlowingOrb · 17/12/2020 14:23

If he was 18, I would not let him back in the house. If he can’t follow basic Covid safety rules he can’t be part of the household. 17 makes that much more difficult so I’m not sure what to do there. I guess restrict him to his room for 2 weeks when he returns. Plus probably a couple of months worth of grounding because this is so bad. If he is heading to his mom’s let her know so she can make her own safety decisions. Honestly our household is so fragile I might require him to stay at a hotel for 2 weeks and pay for it himself/pay me back the entire cost.

Practical things you can do
Track his phone. At least in our household, we can all turn on phone finder and locate one another.

Call the driving instructor and let them know he breached safety rules. If I was the instructor I would consider this a last minute cancellation that does not warrant a refund.

RainMoon · 17/12/2020 14:24

@Motorina

You might want to give the driving instructor the heads up, as he might be over the limit still, which puts the instructor at risk.
That’s a really good point. I would tell him you e cancelled the lesson on his behalf as he’ll likely be over the limit, but he still has to pay for the lesson himself
DialsMavis · 17/12/2020 14:25

Sorry didnt realise that he had turned his phone off or not been in school. I would just always offer my DC a way back if possible before the then had to accept whatever consequences

Tal45 · 17/12/2020 14:26

Is his mum aware? How does she feel about this? I would speak to her. If she is aware and happy for him to be there then I think he should stay with her for two weeks. If she's not aware/ok about it then I would suggest both households insist he wears a mask indoors at all times when not eating or sleeping, washes his hands constantly and socially distances while in either house.

ChristmasSomething · 17/12/2020 14:27

One of my teens did a similar thing and I made them mostly self isolate at home as a consequence. I wouldn’t let them in my car, in the living room with us etc. They were one of about 30 in a high risk area.

picklemewalnuts · 17/12/2020 14:29

Send him an email- copy it to his mum as well.

Subject line 'where will you go?!'

Explain you are not trying to upset him or throw your weight about but he needs to realise the problem staying out will cause. That he won't be able to be near his vulnerable family members. That Christmas will be impossible if he goes out. His grandparents may end up having to stay home on their own etc.

roarfeckingroarr · 17/12/2020 14:30

I don't think you should be telling your 18 year old what to do. If his mum doesn't want him seeing her elderly parents after this, so be it.

Original poster
LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 14:33

@roarfeckingroarr

I don't think you should be telling your 18 year old what to do. If his mum doesn't want him seeing her elderly parents after this, so be it.
He's 17
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Original poster
LindaEllen · 17/12/2020 14:34

@Tal45

Is his mum aware? How does she feel about this? I would speak to her. If she is aware and happy for him to be there then I think he should stay with her for two weeks. If she's not aware/ok about it then I would suggest both households insist he wears a mask indoors at all times when not eating or sleeping, washes his hands constantly and socially distances while in either house.
She is aware now, we phoned her earlier and she said she would think about what she wanted to do and be back in touch. She's not happy with him seeing her elderly parents after taking this risk, but also doesn't want to miss out on seeing him at Christmas as planned, so it's a difficult situation now.
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