Page 3 | DSS gone to party .. WWYD

DeRigueurMortis · 17/12/2020 17:50

That's a good idea so I just checked, nothing on there yet but there might be later on! They'd have to be pretty stupid to post things when they're rule breaking though, surely?

True, but then they'd have to be pretty stupid going to a party in Tier 3 in the first place, so I think you'll be in with a fair shout that at least one person at the party will post a few drunken pictures...

TicTacTwo · 17/12/2020 17:52

I have teenagers and think you and his mum have handled things well. It's really positive that both households could be on the same page about this

DeRigueurMortis · 17/12/2020 17:53

Sorry Tier 2 - but still not allowed indoor gatherings.

GabriellaMontez · 17/12/2020 18:04

I think you're underestimating the impact the last 9 months have had on young people if this in anyway surprises you.

I'd text him to cancel the driving instructor.
Make sure his mum is aware.
You've had it? He's no risk to you.

That's all.

SpnBaby1967 · 17/12/2020 18:09

I 100% understand how this year has been shit for him, but you know what, it has for us all. He's had the luxury of swapping households to see both parents, and seeing his friends most days at college. I've been stuck here since March worrying about my job, hardly seeing my parents, and I haven't met with my friends since last New Year. Yet I'm not taking stupid risks.

But you are an adult, he is 17 & teenagers are a different breed. You never broken the rules as a teenager?

Yes, I get the covid stuff but I think you also need to put yourself in his shoes a little bit too. Punish him, whatever his Dad and his Mum feels is reasonable of course. But do at least try to understand how shit that has been for our children.

Unsure33 · 17/12/2020 18:42

I am glad she cancelled parent’s visit. It’s too easy to be complacent . We have a young friend due back to his parents for Christmas . He was very blasé about it all . Turned off SM and went out partying. Today he has had a positive rest . Just a few days later he could have taken the virus back to his parents who are both CV

He is feeling a bit stupid now but he knew the risks he was taking . Unfortunately his parents didn’t .

RainMoon · 17/12/2020 18:46

I think what you and his mum have decided is a good idea. I would make sure you deadlock the doors from the inside so if he does appear you can talk to him through the door.

balzamico · 17/12/2020 18:52

Great response from his mum, natural consequences in action. (Good job is suits'h

SecretSpAD · 17/12/2020 19:31

I think you're underestimating the impact the last 9 months have had on young people if this in anyway surprises you

It's had an impact on everyone, of all ages. I'd argue that the people who lost their jobs this year are probably more worthy of our support and empathy than teenagers who obviously aren't responsible for paying the bills and keeping a roof over a family's head.

It is stupid behaviour like this that means we are all stuck in this shithole for longer.

Firefliess · 17/12/2020 19:53

I have a sociable DD exactly the same age. As far as I know she is sticking within the guidelines (we're Tier 2 so seeing friends in pub gardens is allowed). But I've warned her that if she ends up being flagged as a contact of anyone who comes down with Covid she'll have to stay in her room for Christmas. I think she does appreciate this risk and will try to reduce the chances of it happening.

I would absolutely call the police on the party though if I knew where it was! Can FB stalking get you anywhere?

MotherExtraordinaire · 17/12/2020 19:56

@LindaEllen

DP and I are a bit lost for words at the moment.

DSS came to us yesterday and asked could he go round to his mate's 18th birthday party tomorrow (so today). We're in tier 2 so we asked what the party was going to be like.

He said just the usual, food, drinks, music etc. Indoors.

We obviously said sorry but you can't really go as it's against the rules - there's 10 of them going, plus the person's family I assume, with alcohol, staying overnight, and apparently the parents are okay with this?

We're high risk of infection (we've had it already but we can still carry the virus, I assume) due to both DP's job and DSS's mum's job, who he sees regularly. He's supposed to be swapping households for Christmas at the weekend, and their Christmas bubble includes DSS's mum's elderly parents. He has a driving lesson tomorrow so a) in close proximity to his instructor and b) will probably be horrifically hungover. This is all pretty irrelevant though, as it's against the rules! Which we said.

He normally does whatever he's told, and doesn't do what he's asked not to. This morning he popped to the shop (literally just down the road) to get us some milk as he used the last of it, and he didn't come back.

DP phoned him to ask what was taking him so long as it's literally 100m up the road, and he said sorry but he'd gone to his mate's house and would be staying there until the party later, as it was unfair he had to miss out.

We don't know where this mate lives, we don't even know his name - obviously if we'd said he could go we'd have found out where he was going, but as it's just so obviously 100% against every single rule at the moment DP just said no without even getting any more information. DSS just said one of the lads from college, so I'm guessing it's not a high school friend as he would have mentioned him by name as we know them. So no idea where he is, and he's now turned his phone off.

What the hell would you do? DP is so angry with him, not only for going against what he'd said, but for being so irresponsible and selfish. We're both annoyed at ourselves for not knowing where he is (maybe we should have asked for more info, but it didn't seem important as he 'wasn't going' and we just wanted the topic changed before an argument started), or not smelling a rat when he offered to go and get more milk.

WWYD if your son did that?

Punishments are difficult as he's off to his mum's tomorrow as mentioned above.. but DP doesn't want him thinking he can just do whatever he likes, walk out without telling us, and then just come back like nothing's happened.

Given the thoughtless and arrogance, even though I understand its a difficult time for such young people who feel their wings have been cut, that I'd be messaging him and the mother, so she's fully aware. And I'd be considering saying that he needs to stay in a hotel to isolate for 10 days, unless you have a room that's isolated enough? But also so the mother can exude whether to continue with him coming.

Sadly covid has shown so many teens to be so self absorbed and not give a shit for others as they believe they're invincible.

Frazzled2207 · 17/12/2020 20:16

pleased it's resolved...ish.
I would be livid but would try and not have a major argument with him when he got home. Aim to have a calm and collected conversation and make sure how disappointed you are and that he knows the consequences of his actions. There is a good chance given what you say that he won't be this silly again.
I do feel for the teenagers now though, is really tough going.

Original poster

LindaEllen · 18/12/2020 18:18

Just wanted to update on what's happened, as I hate it when the OPs of threads don't bother - even though we're not that interesting!

He arrived home at 1.30am stinking of alcohol and talking bollocks, so DP let him go to bed with a view to talking about it when he was sobered up.

Apparently he'd come home as we'd said we didn't want him staying over (I mean, we'd said no to the whole thing, but whatever).

DP was talking to him about how he needs to treat us with respect and understand why we'd said no, because so many people could be impacted by what he'd done.

He was being an arse about it, had a horrendous attitude that I've not actually seen on him before (I suspect the hangover was responsible) and it ended up shouting, he thinks he should be able to do what he wants, DP said he's very lenient with him but there are certain lines he can't cross while under someone else's roof, like rule breaking and risk taking in a pandemic. He wasn't remotely sorry, said he didn't care if his grandparents caught it because he never sees them anyway so what would it matter if they died (what the fuck? I have no idea where that came from, he loves his grandparents!) and he ended up storming out saying he was going to live at his mum's.

DP let him go (not much we could do to be fair) as he was due to go to hers for Christmas anyway, she will be talking to him when he gets there and he will be asked to isolate and take a test (privately) before Christmas.

So we're a bit stunned as we didn't expect the attitude or for it to blow up like that. We expected a 'sorry, I won't do it again' and to take his phone/computer off him. But no. Stormed out.

Happy Christmas to you all!! :D

OP posts:

Original poster

LindaEllen · 18/12/2020 18:19

it ended IN shouting, sorry

OP posts:

DeRigueurMortis · 18/12/2020 18:31

Oh dear OP...

However I wouldn't underestimate how much a hangover was impacting his actions and also an attitude of "attack being the best form of defence".

In a way it's good he's gone to his mums to give you and your DH a break from his awful attitude.

I doubt very much his DM is going to be impressed by saying he doesn't care if her parents died and think (if he hasn't already done so) your DH needs to communicate what he said to his Ex.

I'd suggest your DH keeps tabs on his behaviour through his Ex and they continue to jointly agree a plan of action.

You need to nip this behaviour/attitude in the bud.

Like you I was expecting him to come back being "sorry" but his attitude is really appalling.

I'd be truly angry/devastated if my DS said something like that about his GP's.

OpheliasCrayon · 18/12/2020 18:49

I don't really understand the problem if you've already had it. If you've already had it and therefore likely can't catch it again then why would you be able to spread it to anyone else. Bit of an overreaction tbh

psychomath · 18/12/2020 18:57

I think it sounds like you/your DP/DSS's mum have all handled this really well, but if this is totally out of character for him then I'd be quite concerned about whether his mental health might have taken a bigger hit from the whole situation than you've all realised. I'm not usually one to diagnose every teenager with mental health problems and I don't think it's an excuse for acting badly, but this does sound like the sort of extreme reaction of someone who's been bottling up a lot of feelings that are now forcing their way out.

I understand what you're saying about it being shit for everyone at the moment, but teenagers in general naturally have less resilience and coping ability than adults because they usually have less life experience and understanding of how to manage difficult situations. I would be very clear about how disappointed you are, but also try to approach this from a concerned angle more than going full on angry, which might make the situation worse. If he's a good kid normally then the thought that he's upset you (once he's calmed down) could be more effective than making him defensive anyway.

Original poster

LindaEllen · 18/12/2020 18:59

@OpheliasCrayon

I don't really understand the problem if you've already had it. If you've already had it and therefore likely can't catch it again then why would you be able to spread it to anyone else. Bit of an overreaction tbh

Yes, we've had it. His mum's family - who he is spending Christmas with - have not. Nor have the people on the train who he'll be with on his way to his mum's. Nor have the people in the shops he visits in the next few days.

And to be honest, it's become less about covid safety and more about the attitude of 'I'll do what I want, and fuck what you think'.

OP posts:

DeRigueurMortis · 18/12/2020 19:01

@OpheliasCrayon

I don't really understand the problem if you've already had it. If you've already had it and therefore likely can't catch it again then why would you be able to spread it to anyone else. Bit of an overreaction tbh

Because he was due to go to visit vulnerable grandparents over Christmas....

Regardless, in Tier 2 it's against regulations to have such a party.

Containing the virus depends on everyone following the rules not just people who've had COVID.

Original poster

LindaEllen · 18/12/2020 19:01

@DeRigueurMortis

Oh dear OP...

However I wouldn't underestimate how much a hangover was impacting his actions and also an attitude of "attack being the best form of defence".

In a way it's good he's gone to his mums to give you and your DH a break from his awful attitude.

I doubt very much his DM is going to be impressed by saying he doesn't care if her parents died and think (if he hasn't already done so) your DH needs to communicate what he said to his Ex.

I'd suggest your DH keeps tabs on his behaviour through his Ex and they continue to jointly agree a plan of action.

You need to nip this behaviour/attitude in the bud.

Like you I was expecting him to come back being "sorry" but his attitude is really appalling.

I'd be truly angry/devastated if my DS said something like that about his GP's.

We've communicated most details to DSS's mum, but we weren't sure whether or not to tell her that particular part. As you say, she'll be gutted, and there's so much going on as it is I'm not sure she (and certainly not they!) needs to hear that. Having said that, perhaps she does need the full picture.

OP posts:

Varjakpaw · 18/12/2020 19:05

@OpheliasCrayon

I don't really understand the problem if you've already had it. If you've already had it and therefore likely can't catch it again then why would you be able to spread it to anyone else. Bit of an overreaction tbh

One of the children in my class at school was hospitalised with it over the summer, and tested positive again two weeks ago. He didn't need hospital this time, but was very poorly again. You can definitely get it twice.

DeRigueurMortis · 18/12/2020 19:07

We've communicated most details to DSS's mum, but we weren't sure whether or not to tell her that particular part. As you say, she'll be gutted, and there's so much going on as it is I'm not sure she (and certainly not they!) needs to hear that. Having said that, perhaps she does need the full picture.

Yes it would be a tough thing to hear but I think she needs to know.

Without that information she's blind to just how poor his attitude is (she doesn't need to tell her parents but that's up to her).

Tbh I think he really needs to "feel" the resonance of that comment and feel ashamed of it, not getting away with it because you're trying to spare his mums feelings (she needs to know just how shitty he's being and tbh braced for similar comments).

KeysDontBelongInTheFridge · 18/12/2020 19:19

Thanks for the update! I would definitely not tell the Mum what he said, as everyone can say stupid things in the heat of a moment. Would hate to be reminded of things I said to my Mum in anger when I was a teenager - I always felt horrendous afterwards. He’ll probably be feeling really guilty about that, and was probably feeling guilty about the whole thing hence his explosion. I’m a firm believer in second chances, and if he doesn’t usually act this way there could be something in the background going on. When he gets back to yours I would just talk to him and explain why it up set you, and make sure he’s ok.

ohwhatamiserableyear · 18/12/2020 19:20

I'd cancel his driving lesson.

I'd tell him he's banned from the shared areas in the house for the next 5 days; bedroom and bathroom, food will be delivered.

Selfish twit.

KeysDontBelongInTheFridge · 18/12/2020 19:21

I’m a firm believer in talking. I think being a teenager is the hardest thing. Would hate to be one again!