DSS gone to party .. WWYD

[LindaEllen]

DP and I are a bit lost for words at the moment.

DSS came to us yesterday and asked could he go round to his mate's 18th birthday party tomorrow (so today). We're in tier 2 so we asked what the party was going to be like.

He said just the usual, food, drinks, music etc. Indoors.

We obviously said sorry but you can't really go as it's against the rules - there's 10 of them going, plus the person's family I assume, with alcohol, staying overnight, and apparently the parents are okay with this?

We're high risk of infection (we've had it already but we can still carry the virus, I assume) due to both DP's job and DSS's mum's job, who he sees regularly. He's supposed to be swapping households for Christmas at the weekend, and their Christmas bubble includes DSS's mum's elderly parents. He has a driving lesson tomorrow so a) in close proximity to his instructor and b) will probably be horrifically hungover. This is all pretty irrelevant though, as it's against the rules! Which we said.

He normally does whatever he's told, and doesn't do what he's asked not to. This morning he popped to the shop (literally just down the road) to get us some milk as he used the last of it, and he didn't come back.

DP phoned him to ask what was taking him so long as it's literally 100m up the road, and he said sorry but he'd gone to his mate's house and would be staying there until the party later, as it was unfair he had to miss out.

We don't know where this mate lives, we don't even know his name - obviously if we'd said he could go we'd have found out where he was going, but as it's just so obviously 100% against every single rule at the moment DP just said no without even getting any more information. DSS just said one of the lads from college, so I'm guessing it's not a high school friend as he would have mentioned him by name as we know them. So no idea where he is, and he's now turned his phone off.

What the hell would you do? DP is so angry with him, not only for going against what he'd said, but for being so irresponsible and selfish. We're both annoyed at ourselves for not knowing where he is (maybe we should have asked for more info, but it didn't seem important as he 'wasn't going' and we just wanted the topic changed before an argument started), or not smelling a rat when he offered to go and get more milk.

WWYD if your son did that?

Punishments are difficult as he's off to his mum's tomorrow as mentioned above.. but DP doesn't want him thinking he can just do whatever he likes, walk out without telling us, and then just come back like nothing's happened.

Make his mum aware of the situation and she can decide if it's safe for him to move to her household for Christmas.

She might think it's best that he remains with you. If you have already had covid it's unlikely you will catch it again.

You can take time to decide on the punishment.

It's difficult because I think whatever action is taken it will have to be in-line with his DM's thinking as he is due at his mothers tomorrow.

As pp's have said cancel the driving lesson but he still needs to pay for it.

Beyond that I'm not sure what to suggest as much depends on what his mum thinks.

It's perhaps why he's done this? Knowing he could go straight to his mother's and not face the music with his father and yourself?

So my advice it to wait until his mum gets back to you. It's in her court if she wants to make him self isolate at her house.

Other than that what's a typical sanction at your house? Grounding/loss of pocket money/withdrawal of devices etc???? I'd be thinking alone those lines as well as isolation.

To a degree I've got some sympathy with him (though I don't condone his actions).

The people I blame most are the parents hosting the party.

It's bloody hard being a teen and feeling like your the only one missing out and they've had a hard time socially all year, plus A Levels and exam uncertainty to contend with. When "temptation" like this is put your way by irresponsible adults I can see why even a usually sensible kid might rebel.

Think you need to separate the, 'being a teenager,' such as turning his phone off, going to the party without permission, and the Covid risks he is being so irresponsible about.

When he does eventually surface, I would tell him he has put the whole family at risk, and he needs to isolate.

In his room. Until New Year.

I wouldn't even bother getting angry at him as he probably has so many reasons it's fine in his head - you've already had it, so he thinks you can't get it again, there's a vaccine so people will be safe etc.

Well I would be pissed off and if he was to be returning to your house I would be making him isolate for the next 7 days for his stupidity. As he isn't there isn't much you can do as by the time he returns to you, the moment well and truely will have passed.
A conversation about respect and responsibility is needed I guess.

He's 17, presumably nearly 18.

You can't ground a 17 year old, regardless of what some posters say. He's very nearly an adult.

I'd be tempted to tell him to stay in his room for the ten days, but that would be it.

@DeRigueurMortis

It's difficult because I think whatever action is taken it will have to be in-line with his DM's thinking as he is due at his mothers tomorrow.

As pp's have said cancel the driving lesson but he still needs to pay for it.

Beyond that I'm not sure what to suggest as much depends on what his mum thinks.

It's perhaps why he's done this? Knowing he could go straight to his mother's and not face the music with his father and yourself?

So my advice it to wait until his mum gets back to you. It's in her court if she wants to make him self isolate at her house.

Other than that what's a typical sanction at your house? Grounding/loss of pocket money/withdrawal of devices etc???? I'd be thinking alone those lines as well as isolation.

To a degree I've got some sympathy with him (though I don't condone his actions).

The people I blame most are the parents hosting the party.

It's bloody hard being a teen and feeling like your the only one missing out and they've had a hard time socially all year, plus A Levels and exam uncertainty to contend with. When "temptation" like this is put your way by irresponsible adults I can see why even a usually sensible kid might rebel.

Probably he thinks it doesn't matter as his mum's house and ours are separate entities usually. He'll be shocked that we're working together on this I think.

Usually we'd take his phone off him and take his Wi-Fi aerial thing (technical term!) out of his computer, but he won't care.

I 100% understand how this year has been shit for him, but you know what, it has for us all. He's had the luxury of swapping households to see both parents, and seeing his friends most days at college. I've been stuck here since March worrying about my job, hardly seeing my parents, and I haven't met with my friends since last New Year. Yet I'm not taking stupid risks.

Part of me will be pissed off if his mum won't have him at hers for Christmas now, as that means he'll be here, sulky as fuck, instead.

Invite the ex-wife to yours for Christmas day and send him to hers to celebrate alone. What a bastard.

You need to contact the driving instructor. He could very well be over the limit tomorrow (which in itself is selfish) and it's not fair on the driving instructor to be put at risk because your DSS is a selfish prat. We've all had a crap year and not had the chance to see friends/family.

If his mum won't take him, he needs to isolate in his room for 10 days.

Usually we'd take his phone off him and take his Wi-Fi aerial thing (technical term!) out of his computer, but he won't care.

Actually I think he would care if he's self isolating in his room for 10 days bored as hell with no internet.

I think you and DH need to decide what you plan to do if his mother decides he can't come to hers.

When I say I have some sympathy, please don't misunderstand. I'd be very cross and disappointed if DS did this.

A pp suggested separating the action from COVID but I think that's pretty hard.

If it hadn't been for the regulations you'd presumably have let him go to the party. He wouldn't have needed to sneak off. Equally even if you (for other reasons) said he can't go the ramifications would be very different without COVID.

There's been quite a few threads on here about teen parties being a significant source of infection (usually a weekend party a teen tests positive later in the week and huge numbers of kids have to self isolate).

He's been very selfish and stupid.

He can F-ing stays there for Christmas or pitch a tent up for him in your garden. He's 18 so not an issue for SS.

I'd phone the police on the party. Selfish arses, the lot of them.

And for those "parents " saying you can't tell an 18 yr old what to do! FFS! Your house your rules, if he doesn't like it get out.

@jerometheturnipking

I'd phone the police on the party. Selfish arses, the lot of them.

Do you know what, I'd be tempted if I knew where the hell he was!

---

UPDATE: His mum has contacted us and said he can still go for Christmas, however they won't be travelling to see her parents and he will be told he's responsible for this. In actual fact they were in two minds anyway and her parents weren't that keen, so I think it's given everyone the excuse they needed to pull out.

While he's there, he will be told to isolate as if he's had contact. His mum will be enforcing this.

Thanks for the advice all.

About to phone the driving instructor and explain the situation!

@TheInfected

And for those "parents " saying you can't tell an 18 yr old what to do! FFS! Your house your rules, if he doesn't like it get out.

.. and he's not even 18!! Haha. I did clarify that but I think people were lead to believe that because he was going to an 18th party, but he is still 17.

I don’t see why he needs to go back to your house. He knows how you felt about the party but is going anyway. It will do him good to see the consequences of his actions

He wouldn't be coming back in my house thats for sure. He clearly has no regard for you, your home, your health, your rules or anything that you've tried to say to him. Let his mother deal with him.

Just a thought. Do you have access to his Facebook?

If you can see his friends I'll bet good money one of them will be posting party pictures tonight and at least you can find out who he is with.

I would be absolutely fuming. Not only has he disobeyed you but he’s done it at a very bad time.

I’d try to find out where he is and report the party. This is why it’s spreading so badly.

@LindaEllen

It's still your house, your rules. I think the cut off for SS is 16 actually but you better check!

and he's not even 18!! Haha. I did clarify that but I think people were lead to believe that because he was going to an 18th party, but he is still 17.

Shame you can't find the address and report to the police.

@DeRigueurMortis

Just a thought. Do you have access to his Facebook?

If you can see his friends I'll bet good money one of them will be posting party pictures tonight and at least you can find out who he is with.

That's a good idea so I just checked, nothing on there yet but there might be later on! They'd have to be pretty stupid to post things when they're rule breaking though, surely?

I would ring the mother and discuss what the joint punishment/ consequences should be.

I have two 19 yo DS. I don't think there is anything you can do. Mine have mostly been very sensible, but there has been the odd time of crazy behaviour and to be honest if that's as crazy as your DS gets then you're not doing badly! You do sound a bit controlling which is probably why he's just run off. I'd just accept it, what people do in terms of meeting him after this is up to them.

Have seen your update. That seems sensible and proportionate, and has the great advantage of being the natural consequence of his actions.

Peer pressure can be an awful pull at 17. Sounds like you've got it sorted though now. I sympathise - my DS drove to Nottingham to visit his mates at uni and stayed there for three days at the start of term when they were in local lockdown. He was caring for his great grandma at the time and she made him get a test before having him back in the house, it really cocked up our bubble system and I had to do her shopping and washing for a week instead of him.