DSS gone to party .. WWYD

[LindaEllen]

DP and I are a bit lost for words at the moment.

DSS came to us yesterday and asked could he go round to his mate's 18th birthday party tomorrow (so today). We're in tier 2 so we asked what the party was going to be like.

He said just the usual, food, drinks, music etc. Indoors.

We obviously said sorry but you can't really go as it's against the rules - there's 10 of them going, plus the person's family I assume, with alcohol, staying overnight, and apparently the parents are okay with this?

We're high risk of infection (we've had it already but we can still carry the virus, I assume) due to both DP's job and DSS's mum's job, who he sees regularly. He's supposed to be swapping households for Christmas at the weekend, and their Christmas bubble includes DSS's mum's elderly parents. He has a driving lesson tomorrow so a) in close proximity to his instructor and b) will probably be horrifically hungover. This is all pretty irrelevant though, as it's against the rules! Which we said.

He normally does whatever he's told, and doesn't do what he's asked not to. This morning he popped to the shop (literally just down the road) to get us some milk as he used the last of it, and he didn't come back.

DP phoned him to ask what was taking him so long as it's literally 100m up the road, and he said sorry but he'd gone to his mate's house and would be staying there until the party later, as it was unfair he had to miss out.

We don't know where this mate lives, we don't even know his name - obviously if we'd said he could go we'd have found out where he was going, but as it's just so obviously 100% against every single rule at the moment DP just said no without even getting any more information. DSS just said one of the lads from college, so I'm guessing it's not a high school friend as he would have mentioned him by name as we know them. So no idea where he is, and he's now turned his phone off.

What the hell would you do? DP is so angry with him, not only for going against what he'd said, but for being so irresponsible and selfish. We're both annoyed at ourselves for not knowing where he is (maybe we should have asked for more info, but it didn't seem important as he 'wasn't going' and we just wanted the topic changed before an argument started), or not smelling a rat when he offered to go and get more milk.

WWYD if your son did that?

Punishments are difficult as he's off to his mum's tomorrow as mentioned above.. but DP doesn't want him thinking he can just do whatever he likes, walk out without telling us, and then just come back like nothing's happened.

is he already at college with these guys?

I’d be withholding every Christmas gift, money etc. Let the little twat have nothing for Christmas.
If he’d been apologetic that would’ve been one thing, but his reaction is terrible. How disappointed his parents must be.

I think what I would do is talk to his mother about whether she would support him not seeing his vulnerable relatives over Xmas as a natural consequence of his actions, to make sure you're all coming at it from the same angle. When he comes home calmly sit him down and get him to tell you what the consequences should be based on his risk of his actions. I wouldn't tell or shout but I would emphasise how disappointed you are and how as a near adult you expect him to make more responsible decisions. But as a near adult he needs to take responsibility for his actions. Hopefully he will come to conclusion himself that he shouldn't see his grandparents, should keep his distance from you all (open windows inside etc) and pay for his cancelled driving lesson. I think making him take the natural consequence of his actions and hopefully getting him to reach the conclusions himself will be a good learning experience for him. He shouldn't see his vulnerable relatives for 2 weeks and he should ring them to tell them why.

@Higgeldypiggeldy35

I think you need to read the OP's updates not just the first post.

Ah crap. I am pretty sure he was just lashing out verbally in anger.

Teens can behave awfully while their brain changes.

@KeysDontBelongInTheFridge

Thanks for the update! I would definitely not tell the Mum what he said, as everyone can say stupid things in the heat of a moment. Would hate to be reminded of things I said to my Mum in anger when I was a teenager - I always felt horrendous afterwards. He’ll probably be feeling really guilty about that, and was probably feeling guilty about the whole thing hence his explosion. I’m a firm believer in second chances, and if he doesn’t usually act this way there could be something in the background going on. When he gets back to yours I would just talk to him and explain why it up set you, and make sure he’s ok.

He didn't say a stupid thing.

He said a really, really nasty thing.

His second chance was to apologise when he came home.

He didn't - he doubled down in the worst possible way.

He's not yet and adult and even if he was 18 he needs to follow the "house rules". Not just about COVID but more widely and that doesn't mean he can do what he wants and suffer no consequences.

I would sit down with him once it's all blown over and tell him that in your house he follows your rules and if not then there are consequences to his actions.
For our 17 year old we went through a stage where he thought he could do what he wants when he wants. After the first time we sat him down and said you can make those choices but these are the consequences. If you don't respect us then we take away the luxuries that we provide, wifi password gets changed, no lifts anywhere, no laundry service, no meals prepared for him, if we have a treat like a takeaway he isn't included. We provide a roof, bed and food to make for himself and that is it. We don't take what's his, like phones, computers etc but they're pretty useless without the Wifi anyway. Depending on what he's done depends on how harsh we are with the rules and he then earns the things back by helping and being respectful to us. The more he disrespects us, the longer the consequences last.

@FrostedCupcake

I would sit down with him once it's all blown over and tell him that in your house he follows your rules and if not then there are consequences to his actions. For our 17 year old we went through a stage where he thought he could do what he wants when he wants. After the first time we sat him down and said you can make those choices but these are the consequences. If you don't respect us then we take away the luxuries that we provide, wifi password gets changed, no lifts anywhere, no laundry service, no meals prepared for him, if we have a treat like a takeaway he isn't included. We provide a roof, bed and food to make for himself and that is it. We don't take what's his, like phones, computers etc but they're pretty useless without the Wifi anyway. Depending on what he's done depends on how harsh we are with the rules and he then earns the things back by helping and being respectful to us. The more he disrespects us, the longer the consequences last.

Absolutely this.

@Branleuse

is he already at college with these guys?

Some of them, but college closed to switch to online learning last Wednesday (so 8 days before this party) to give people a chance to isolate before Christmas if they wished, and he hadn't seen them since then, so it's not really relevant, as any of them could have picked it up in the meantime.

Also, their college has been quite good with distancing (classes are small anyway), masks in corridors, sanitiser etc. It's very very different situation in an alcohol-fuelled indoor party with lots of people.

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I have no more updates as he's at his mum's and won't answer his phone. She has told us he's sulking because he expected her to be on his side, and she firmly isn't. So communication with us isn't happening, but he's safe and hopefully thinking about what's been said to him.