Students coming home

[Flossie44]

Ds is a student. He is 7 hours away from home. He will be tested as he leaves. He then travels by 3 trains and a tube to get home.

My two children who are living at home are both in the extremely clinically vulnerable category. We’ve had no one inside our home since March.

I’m concerned that despite ds probably resting neg on the instant test when leaving uni, he will then use public transport for many hours, public loos, coffee shops etc etc before finally getting home. So isn’t the test pointless? If he’s then travelling home??

What do we do?!

I need talking down. Please be kind as this is really bothering me. I’m torn between my children. I want them all home with me for Christmas..but it’s almost like I’m having to choose.

You need to talk to your son. He can take his own food and drinks with him. He needs to be scrupulous about using hand sanitiser and a mask and should wipe down the table, arms of the seat etc on public transport.

When he gets home, is it possible for him to isolate?

Agree with PP - the alternative is that he doesn’t come home at all.

Is your son sensible and does he understand the need to keep himself as well clear of others as possible? How have you dealt with him coming to the house since March? Or hasn't he?

What are his alternatives? Surely you can't be considering asking him to stay alone in halls over Christmas?

Is collecting him or hiring a car to drive himself home in a practical option?

It isn’t pointless. It prevents any known cases leaving the university so it’s safer for anyone in the community.

If your unsure ask him to self isolate for a week.

I was going to ask what the alternative is too? He’s got to come home surely??
Is there any way that someone can collect him? I know he’s really far away but that might be better than public transport.

And yes, what did you do during lockdown? He must have come home then unless he only started this year.

Are you in the position to be able to collect him? That would remove the public transport risk.

Can he hire a car? Or get a lift with a student (neg tested) coming the same way?

He hasn’t been home since last Christmas. He was due home the end of March and then obviously couldn’t. Between lockdowns, he worked a bit in London.
Of course I want him home!! I’ve longed for a hug with him since January!! It’s literally awful!! He’s in his 4th year.
He doesn’t drive.
He’s not great with following rules and so asking him to wipe things down, i know won’t happen sadly.
Maybe I’ll ask if he’s got a friend coming this way and I’ll meet him. Although he’s told me he’s going to have the test and then head to London for a few days on his way home!! Which obviously makes things trickier!!

Can I ask anyone who might know..the instant test gives a result as to if you have covid then and there..is there a chance of developing it in the next few days and it not being registered on that test? X

Yes, there is that chance. Ideally they would have two test 5 days apart
We are in almost the same situation. We are lucky that we can pick dd up at end of lockdown although it's at the limit of driving for a day. But we are concerned as her flat mates are still working .logically the risk is small, but some people will be unlucky

I've a friend with a son at uni, and they are all getting tested two weeks prior to leaving uni and self isolating for that period. This is something the uni are putting into operation. Could he do that?

It is really difficult one. I have seen numerous videos of friends kids at university mainly of house parties absolutely rammed with students. It is no surprise they are all getting Covid. I saw one with 30 odd in one house and the police arriving...and asking them to go home!

I suggests you speak to your some and ask him to dig in and isolate himself as much as possible before his test so he isn't in the newly infected stage and still,showing negative. If he is careful on public transport the risk should then be minimal.

You will really need to point out the risks to his siblings if he doesn't. My friends are all nervous about the kids coming home as they know they have a high chance of spreading it

Can he isolate for 7 days on campus, get the test, then one of you drive to pick him up ? 14 hr drive in a day is horrendous but I would think just about doable as a one off, then just stop the absolute minimum for toilet breaks and food. Or if he has his own student room and toilet, stay over in the room ?

From what I was aware they were in talks of closing unis 2 weeks before Christmas so they could isolate themselves there before heading home. I would ask him if he really had to visit London before he came or could be wait until he is going home.

If he’s not good at following the rules and he’s planning on going to London for a few days after the test he may as well not have the test at all. You need to decide what risk you’re willing to take and then discuss with him. Would he give up going to London?

He's an adult. A young adult, but not too young to be responsible. At his age I was a responsible mother.

Have a chat with him. It's very easy to become blase about covid at uni (everyone is in mine anyway), but that doesn't mean he shouldn't be able to understand that by pissing about in London and behaving in an unsafe fashion, he would be putting his younger siblings at extreme risk.

If I was told that in my early 20s, there is no way I'd have dicked around knowing I could be risking the life of a sibling. How upfront have you been about the situation?

How long would he visit for? Are we talking days or weeks?

Yes he’s a student, but at the same time he’s an adult that needs to take responsibility for himself. If he can’t be trusted to follow rules or take a packed lunch etc to help protect his siblings, then maybe it’s for the best for him to sit this one out? Especially if he intends to take a test and not self isolate until he sees you (you said he’s going to London for a few days?)

Spending Christmas without family isn’t that bad. I went to university in London whilst also having a job - I travelled home to visit for Xmas day only during first year as I needed to get back to London ASAP for work. It was a faff to the extent that I chose to spend subsequent Christmases with my friends/boyfriend in London and really enjoyed it! It’s just part of adult life.

This is a tough one.

Your son must surely be aware that his two younger siblings are clinically vulnerable? He must understand the risk.

You need to talk openly to him, I’d say he needs to leave at the earliest possible date after testing negative and travel immediately home where he will quarantine away from siblings for at least week and until he’s tested negative again. It’s 5-7 days optimum time for testing after potential exposure. There’s really no other way.

Surely you can't be considering asking him to stay alone in halls over Christmas?

Is this that big of a deal?

He’s 21+ if he’s in 4th year so should be more mature/self-sufficient than an 18 year old. He’s likely not to be living in halls at that age but even if he was, there’s still a chance that his flatmates may stay for Christmas too, and that he may have a good time with them! He surely must have made friends in London after 4 years so he’s not necessarily going to be alone.

I would tell him he’s got to come straight home and not go to London for a few days. Also when he gets home I would ask him to stay away from other siblings for as long as possible.

Thank you all so much.

He’s 23! He lives in a house with 7 others and parties like the rest of them!!
His girlfriend lives in London and is adamant he’s seeing her on route home. It’s really stressing me. He knows the situation with his siblings but says I’m over reacting with him and ‘it’s all cool, mum!’
I’ve mentioned he stays with his girlfriend for christmas and we see him in a few months when hopefully things will be easier. He’s refused! I feel like I’m letting him down by even thinking this way, but I feel he’s being arrogant and selfish by not taking this seriously!!
I said he needs to isolate at home and we will pay for a test after 10 days. He’s furious that he will have to do This!!

I just feel bullied. And worn down. But ultimately I want to keep my two vulnerable children safe. I feel he thinks I’m choosing them over him!!

To be honest he is being selfish, arrogant and inconsiderate. As an adult he needs to accept that his decisions impact on other people. That a lot of them will respond in ways that he doesn’t want or like.

Based on what you say he’s taking more risk than you believe is acceptable. I don’t think he will change this if you ask him to reduce the risk to his family. He will probably just lie to you and I think you know that.

You are not responsible for his decision. He’s made it in full knowledge and as an adult. He needs to accept the consequences. It’s a life lesson if he wants to see it. One that should tell him he can’t always get what he wants if it puts other people out or at risk.

Time to tell him that you really wanted him home but he was aware of the need to be COVID safe if he decided to come home. That you regret that the situation has arisen but that it was his decision to see his girlfriend. Tell him that when things are safer you will welcome him home.

Can't he reverse the dates with seeing his GF? Maybe a few days with you, then on to stay with her?