The ridiculous "rules" my parents set

[P1tching]

In the early days of Coronavirus my mum took the decision that she was a "shielder" not an official letter through the post and food parcel one - a self declared one. She has had a serious illness in the past but she has been recovered for a long time, the only risk factor is her age - 70. My DH thinks it was for attention as she has certainly form for making up illnesses/ food allergies etc - mainly since she recovered and did not have all of her friends running round her and constantly checking in with her.

Previously, she was very active, helped pick up my DC from school, same for my nieces and nephews, took all the grandchildren out that kind of thing. We were (are?) a very close knit family.

At first we had to convince her that coronavirus was a thing she should be more concerned about. She was actually on a mini break when lockdown was announced. However, she then made a rapid U turn.

None of us really saw her for 12 weeks. She holed up at home with my step dad and we dropped shopping off etc (again, running round her, messaging constantly). She told her friends she was shielding.

As the restrictions were loosened she started doing more - she would only go to one of my sister's gardens, the rest of us deemed to have too small a space and not enough loos to dedicate one for her visit (that's right, no one could use the same loo as her). It was all taken very seriously and we all respected that at the time. She has barely seen her 6 GC as they are all under 10 and cannot be trusted not to cuddle her (she was very hands on before). Mine are the youngest at 3&5 and have only been allowed to wave through the patio doors.

However, in August she made full use of the eat out to help out scheme - sometimes having lunch and dinner out and next week she is going to a spa hotel a two night "treat" for her birthday.

We are still not allowed in her house and she has not been to mine since early March.

I challenged her about it and she said that all the places she has been to are "safe" and so clean and they all wear masks

AIBU here?

I have seen her in a garden maybe 5 times since March. I suggested we (me and my 3 siblings) went for dinner this weekend for her birthday and she accepted!! She would not dare enter my house though.

I am sure she must be telling her friends how awful it is that she cannot see her GC.... all the while she is happy rubbing alongside strangers. I completely respect her decision to stay home but I don't think she sees the double standard.

Am I missing something? Has she been brainwashed by Boris?
My DH thinks she has enjoyed the break from being the linchpin of the family and doesn't want to go back to being chief babysitter which I can understand but for the most part she offered to have them and really seemed to enjoy being a Grandma.

Anyone else have friends/ family with their own rules?

No.
It is a fact that the vast majority of cases are caused by mixing in households so she is entirely sensible to choose to avoid mixing in such a setting if she is worried about the risk of catching the virus. At the same time it is mentally very hard to be completely shielding so she is doing activities that are much less likely to cause transmission even if you personally incorrectly consider them more risky due to human instinct that homes should be a safe space.

It's her choice. I see no reason myself to place that level of faith in either the track and trace system or the honesty of our government, but she's entitled to believe what they're telling her about where the majority of transmissions occur. I wouldn't call it brainwashing.

She may have some slightly mixed up logic, but I do think it's fair enough that people only do what they feel comfortable with. My DM and MIL (over 70s) have some fairly quirky interpretations of the rules to suit them.

I saw a pie chart which showed that 3% of cases recorded were from restaurants and about 40% from schools, maybe she’s concerned that the GC are back at nursery/school etc.

Maybe she’s realised that it’s easier not looking after GC, my sisters MIL had my niece every week for years and now since lockdown has said she’s
Realised how hard it was and won’t be continuing.

But, yes I see why you don’t agree, waving outside the window to a gran they know and love must be very weird/hard/disturbing for your kids.
What do they say about it!

Just remember when you were teen/young OP & did lots of stuff that drove your mother batty. This is payback time (??).

In the leagues of covid madness, I could learn to be amused & not annoyed by this.

It's her choice and maybe she feels a bit put upon and is using the opportunity to step back from being taken advantage of (if that's how she sees it).

My DPs are the opposite- much older than your DM (very late 80s) but I have to remind them not to go out to much, they are happily visiting friends and entertaining in their home .

‘However, in August she made full use of the eat out to help out scheme - sometimes having lunch and dinner out and next week she is going to a spa hotel a two night "treat" for her birthday.‘

But won’t see her GC?

I think you are being a bit U I'm afraid. Her view of the risk is different to yours, but not very nice of your DH to say she's doing it for attention.

I think she’s being very sensible and cautious.

I've had a similar situation but decided not to ask DM and DF to look after DC in the future. They can ask for contact whenever but I feel like they've pretty much washed their hands of wanting any for the past 6 month and the future.
It's their loss, and my gain. DC won't have the wonderful memories I have of my grandparents and I get more time with DC than my parents ever gave to me.

I think she likes the attention.

I would be distancing myself a bit and not running around after her. She really doesn't need you to do that. But I would bet she comes up with some new way to get your attention. Your DH is probably right.

Let her do her own thing. I wouldn't be running round making deliveries to her, though; if it's safe in a restaurant, it's safe in a supermarket.

Every single one of my DM's friends has a different interpretation of The Rules and they are driving each other insane irritating each other over them.

Just let her do her.

You sound quite disrespectful of your mum when she has a history of being quite supportive of you.

@StatisticalSense so she is right that it is safer going to restaurants than to our homes? Even though we would be keeping 2m distance? I can see how you would let your guard down at home but we have been so respectful and managed meetings to ensure that no contact is made (taking own food and drinks, sitting outside even if the weather isn't great). But she is happy to meet in a restaurant?

@OverTheRainbow88 yes, going back to school is and remains a concern for us. I did not even take my DC into her garden in June and July when they returned to school and nursery as I knew she was very worried. A week later she was in her local pub

@Msmcc1212 this is what I find so hard, my DC adore her and my step dad

@HotPenguin I am not saying I agree with my DH, he finds her quite hard work (typical MIL stuff) but I did wonder if there was something to it as her rules seem really irrational to me.

I have not asked her to have my DC since February. At that time it was me trying to convince her of the risks.

As far as I am aware none of my siblings have asked for childcare, we would just like to spend some time with our mum. It would appear that we have to do that in a pub/ restaurant (which we never used to do, we always met at each other's houses).

In a similar situation to you.

Pre covid dm (70) visited a lot and was very helpful with childcare, and did loads with them.

She followed the rules fairly strictly during lockdown, but we did meet up a couple of times in summer when allowed, which was great.

She’d offered to babysit for us as we were stuck for childcare a couple of weeks ago, but obvs as the dcs had gone back to school, I said it’d be great if she could but I’d understand if she’d rather not take the risk.

The day before she texted to say she’d rather not because she’d arranged to go for a meal with friends! (Nothing to do with covid, unless it was and she didn’t want to mention it? But then one friend has high school kids. Felt a bit of slap in the face tbh!

For a different perspective OP.
I found the break away from my wider family surprisingly welcomed over lockdown. It dawned on me how one way the relationship was. How I organised all get togethers. I suggested dates. I rearranged my plans around others. I offered childcare that was never reciprocated.
I realised I didn’t miss it. If I didn’t put the effort in to meet up, it didn’t happen. This included my DC’s grandparents.
As lockdown restrictions eased, it would have appeared that we had returned to BAU. After school clubs resumed and we met friends for distanced plays at the playground etc. I didn’t, however, revert back to my role as chief family organiser. At first I didn’t hear anything from my family but after a while they got in touch to suggest meet ups, lunches, play dates etc.
I’ve declined. I don’t want to go back to it. I didn’t miss them. I realised the relationships were not very positive for me. In honesty, they weren’t very positive for my DC either (for a whole host of reasons). They were one way. A lot of take and no give.
I’m not saying you do this but I can understand why your DM may have enjoyed the break and be reluctant to return to the old normal.

I have let DC cuddle grandparents.
BUT - outside, with masks on, on a non-school day wearing clean clothes.
GPs were happy to do this as all their other grandchildren live 100 or so miles away and so they haven't seen them for absolutely ages. I did suggest that they put a shower curtain in between them whilst hugging but GPs decided this was too much.

YABU & you don't even sound like you like her very much!

She's not 'making up her own 'rules'. She's making her own risk assessments & making her own decisions and that's perfectly fine

Just because things are 'permitted' doesn't mean you have to do them.

Avoiding being hugged is sensible, she's at far more risk being up close & personal with the family than social distancing in restaurants with strangers.

Also, the last time I went for a meal I felt that “covid secure measures “ had been relaxed a lot! Mainly ate outside in summer, but went inside for toilets etc and always felt organised and safe.

Recently feel that tables are much closer, definitely not 2m. Sometimes not 1m, busier, no table service and less hand sanitisers etc. Maybe just me, but didn’t feel as safe and wouldn’t rush back.

Nobody shuts themselves away for weeks on end for attention.

Everyone I know has their own rules which are an amalgamation of what is legally required and what they decide is necessary (and possible) for their own health and wellbeing and that of their loved ones.

Those rules can look very different from one person to the next, even though objectively they appear to have a similar risk of catching it and a similar risk of a poor outcome.

I have a large extended family with a wide variety of attitudes to the pandemic and how we should be behaving. However we are all agreed that nobody should be pushed out of their comfort zone in terms of meeting up, especially the more at risk family members.

OTOH, maybe she just doesn't like you very much and is enjoying the peace and quiet.

Yes the main spread is family homes/workplaces.
Restaurants with proper social distancing are less risky.
This is reflected in some additional lockdown areas where it is the law that you can't see people in their homes or gardens but only guidance you can't see them in a restaurant.

It is irrational.
The ‘reason’ track and trace finds Covid is spreading in families is because
1- if you live in the same house, you are certainly more likely to get the virus
2- People have hugged etc...

Now let’s compare that with pubs (one major trigger for a spreading event) and going out to a restaurant with friends (where you want be SD. It’s I possible to do around a table). And of course, they are all indoors, sometimes with little ventilation. Indoors + high density of people is a high risk environment so pubs and restaurants certainly fit in that category.

And then again, compare that with meeting up in a garden or having a coupe of people in your house....

I think you are right @P1tching
But you are going to struggle to convince her (as per this thread actually).
In the mean time, I would ignore. Tell her about all the things she has missed and let her decide.

Btw people saying that restaurant are less risky, could you explain how???

Transmission of the virus is through fomites (aka surfaces) and aerosol (which is from the air). I’m really not sure that being in a pub with a higher concentration of people is going to be less risky than a house with fewer people.
That’s also the reason why big events (even outdoors) are a major source of propagation of the virus and havent. been allowed since March. The density of people is high, even if they were to social distance.