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Original poster

The ridiculous "rules" my parents set

109 replies

P1tching · 29/09/2020 20:11

In the early days of Coronavirus my mum took the decision that she was a "shielder" not an official letter through the post and food parcel one - a self declared one. She has had a serious illness in the past but she has been recovered for a long time, the only risk factor is her age - 70. My DH thinks it was for attention as she has certainly form for making up illnesses/ food allergies etc - mainly since she recovered and did not have all of her friends running round her and constantly checking in with her.

Previously, she was very active, helped pick up my DC from school, same for my nieces and nephews, took all the grandchildren out that kind of thing. We were (are?) a very close knit family.

At first we had to convince her that coronavirus was a thing she should be more concerned about. She was actually on a mini break when lockdown was announced. However, she then made a rapid U turn.

None of us really saw her for 12 weeks. She holed up at home with my step dad and we dropped shopping off etc (again, running round her, messaging constantly). She told her friends she was shielding.

As the restrictions were loosened she started doing more - she would only go to one of my sister's gardens, the rest of us deemed to have too small a space and not enough loos to dedicate one for her visit (that's right, no one could use the same loo as her). It was all taken very seriously and we all respected that at the time. She has barely seen her 6 GC as they are all under 10 and cannot be trusted not to cuddle her (she was very hands on before). Mine are the youngest at 3&5 and have only been allowed to wave through the patio doors.

However, in August she made full use of the eat out to help out scheme - sometimes having lunch and dinner out and next week she is going to a spa hotel a two night "treat" for her birthday.

We are still not allowed in her house and she has not been to mine since early March.

I challenged her about it and she said that all the places she has been to are "safe" and so clean and they all wear masks Hmm

AIBU here?

I have seen her in a garden maybe 5 times since March. I suggested we (me and my 3 siblings) went for dinner this weekend for her birthday and she accepted!! She would not dare enter my house though.

I am sure she must be telling her friends how awful it is that she cannot see her GC.... all the while she is happy rubbing alongside strangers. I completely respect her decision to stay home but I don't think she sees the double standard.

Am I missing something? Has she been brainwashed by Boris?
My DH thinks she has enjoyed the break from being the linchpin of the family and doesn't want to go back to being chief babysitter which I can understand but for the most part she offered to have them and really seemed to enjoy being a Grandma.

Anyone else have friends/ family with their own rules?

OP posts:
Original poster
P1tching · 29/09/2020 21:37

@AmelieTaylor I am not sure why I come across as not liking my mum? I miss her! I hate the way our relationship has changed this year.

@ImSleepingBeauty I can totally see what you mean. I am that person in my family but I have the opposite feeling - I feel a bit lost. My weekends used to consist of seeing my family - my mum definitely called the shots and was at the centre of everything but I would be the one running round organising everyone, getting the food and drinks etc (big Irish family), I organise all the birthdays and Christmas - I think that is what my DH finds (found?) hard, he thinks I am gopher to the whole family but I enjoy it. Maybe my mum has just had enough of it? It's a shame she didn't say so if that's the case.

OP posts:
jessstan2 · 29/09/2020 21:39

I think your mum probably got 'shielding' mixed up with 'self isolating'; I have self isolated and once or twice said 'shielding' by mistake.

She is being very sensible. I heard today from my cousin, she and her partner are in their late 70s. They self isolated for a long time with no problems, they enjoyed the garden and did decorating, had food delivered. When the restrictions were loosened they went out, saw friends (at distance), and a had a short break away.

They are now both ill with Covid-19. I was gutted when told but not nearly as gutted as they are, obviously.

Original poster
P1tching · 29/09/2020 21:40

@zoemum2006 I have respected my mum's wishes at all times. I wouldn't make her do anything she didn't want to do but I just find her reasoning hard to fathom at the moment.

OP posts:
LangClegsInSpace · 29/09/2020 21:42

I expect the average restaurant customer is a lot less likely than her GC to jump into her lap, throw their arms round her neck and plant a big slobbery wet kiss on her cheek.

Handsoffisback · 29/09/2020 21:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

MaxNormal · 29/09/2020 21:45

My DPs are the opposite- much older than your DM (very late 80s) but I have to remind them not to go out to much, they are happily visiting friends and entertaining in their home

Given their age, they don't have forever left to enjoy their lives, you should respect their choice.

Original poster
P1tching · 29/09/2020 21:45

@Meuniere I think you are right.

The thing is, me and my siblings haven't been seeing much of each other either. As I said, my mum is the centre of our world and so it just wouldn't be right to do things without her and so she hasn't "missed out" on much, maybe it would be different if we had organised a few things without her.

OP posts:
stovetopespresso · 29/09/2020 21:46

hey some of the responses have been a bit...direct?? I think covid holds up a weird mirror to people's personalities and makes us see things differently, for good and for bad, suits some, doesn't suit others. I can see why you're hurt op, without covid you wouldn't have seen this side to her personality. she's not perfect, in your eyes, there's no right or wrong here, sorry, its just how she is in this situation. I read an article during lockdown in Italian where it quite casually referred to people who got obsessed with cooking during their really strict lockdown as narcissistic. I know that word packs a punch in English but maybe she has that side to her which covid is highlighting. she will come back to you when all this is over hopefully.

namechange5575 · 29/09/2020 21:47

Organise things without her! Adjust yourselves to her 'new normal'.

salty78 · 29/09/2020 21:50

My DPs are the same OP. We are only allowed in their garden or out for a walk with them. My DF has prostate cancer though so his immune system is pretty low.

gallbladderpain · 29/09/2020 21:52

Her choice
We don't have a shielding person but we do have a vunerable person and no one has been over the door of our house since March and we have also not been into anyone elses.
We have met with people outdoors and the grandparents regularly come around and sit in the garden watching the children playing and having some chat etc
However i do think its a bit double standards perhaps. We have not been into any pubs/restaurants etc and to be honest that would feel much more of a risk than just having some family who we know into our own house ! Although we aren't allowed to do that again now anyways we were only allowed a few short weeks of it over the summer when the weather was good and it seemed just as good to continue meeting outdoors at that stage anyways

WhoseKids · 29/09/2020 21:55

YABU. As previously stated it's up to your dm to undertake her own risk assessment and decide how to behave.

Some of my ILs have started asking for the same level of help they expected before. PIL feel obliged to help out but feel really worried about the lack of social distancing in schools. I think going out for dinner is safer than mixing with DGC 7 days per week.

tempnamechange98765 · 29/09/2020 21:57

YANBU OP, the eating out/seeing friends/staying over night makes me raise my eyebrows a bit too.

Who knows her reasoning though.

It's really sad though and tbh if I were you, I'd take a step back. You don't owe her a relationship with your DC, you've obviously tried to maintain this so far with the waving through patio doors, but you don't need to carry on with it if it bugs you, and you feel it's unfair on your DC.

Mydogmylife · 29/09/2020 22:00

Actually, although it seems counterintuitive the science appears to be saying that it is actually safer to meet in a 'controlled' environment such as a restaurant rather than a home setting. This is why where I live (Scotland) the rule for everyone is no home visiting at AT ALL inside, and limited outdoor (6 people from 2 households) you can however meet 6 people in a pub/restaurant again from 2 households only.
Tricky times and people just trying to get through it as best they can

LangClegsInSpace · 29/09/2020 22:01

If she can manage trips out she can manage her own grocery deliveries though.

Someonetakemebackto91 · 29/09/2020 22:02

I fe for your mum haha
If your outlook is she is the centre of you and yours siblings world and it would feel to do things without her I assume she is enjoying the break form needy offspring 🤣

TheEC · 29/09/2020 22:02

It’s sounds like she’s been following the rules? Ive lived like that except we didn’t use eat out to help out because it sounded like hard work with a toddler. I didn’t see my mum for 6 months except to drop shopping off twice. She lives 5 minutes away. Our homes aren’t big enough to catch up and distance correctly.

TheTeenageYears · 29/09/2020 22:03

About a week before Mother's Day the press was full of all over 70's to isolate for 12 weeks. A few weeks later the actual shielding list was mentioned a dragged out a bit while people got letters. Supermarket delivery slots were kept back while they awaiting the official shielding list and then at some point afterwards the whole over 70's self isolating was quietly dropped. There was never an official announcement but there was a very definite shift of language to the 'shielded group'. My mum kept banging on about it for weeks and I kept telling her it had been quietly dropped. I suspect there were many other over 70's who genuinely believed they were supposed to isolate for 12 weeks. One of many miscommunications in this whole sorry mess.

Time2change2 · 29/09/2020 22:05

I think she feels put upon and doesn’t want to have so many childcare duties going forward. Of course she may be saying to friends she can’t see her GC but really inside maybe she doesn’t want to see them as much. Maybe she wants to have her own life more and take a step back from her children and grandchildren. It just sounds like an excuse

Redolent · 29/09/2020 22:08

@Someonetakemebackto91

I fe for your mum haha If your outlook is she is the centre of you and yours siblings world and it would feel to do things without her I assume she is enjoying the break form needy offspring 🤣
I wouldn’t call them ‘needy’, but I’m curious to know how/why this dynamic has come out...of close knitness, her being the centre of everything, you running around organising everything. Did she want that or is it partly self imposed?

I’m struggling to see how this is attention seeking. If anything it may be (even if unconsciously) wanting a break from the familial duties and immersion and living a lady of leisure lifestyle for a while. Of course then you have to think about implications for yourself / DC. I would also step back a little and see how much she initiates.

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/09/2020 22:11

You could consider setting something down in writing in a non judgmental way perhaps. If this fails, maybe you can become the glue for your siblings, n&n, perhaps grandparents or whomsoever to get together.

Lollypop701 · 29/09/2020 22:13

I’d organise some social distance sibling get togethers... invite her. See what happens!

stayathomer · 29/09/2020 22:13

but I just find her reasoning hard to fathom at the moment.
If you talk to ten different people they'll all have different places they're willing to go, people they're willing to see, times they feel it's appropriate to wear a mask etc. As for assuming she's putting it on with the ailments, it's always easy to do until you go through something yourself and then you realise you're going on about it all the time(!!!!) Btw we've seen my mum once, we all agreed if she got it or we got it from her the guilt would kill us

EarthSight · 29/09/2020 22:14

This is a difficult one because I don't get her logic on the cafes. If any staff member from that cafe/restaurant has it, there's a good chance they can spread it to customers and not everyone who has it has symptoms. Does she know that? It's incredibly contagious.

There a part of me that's wondering if she's been giving herself a mini-holiday away from family duties!

Chestergirl39 · 29/09/2020 22:20

“I challenged her about it and she said that all the places she has been to are "safe" and so clean and they all wear masks hmm”

So is your house not clean enough Op? 🤣

“ I suggested we (me and my 3 siblings) went for dinner this weekend for her birthday and she accepted!”

It sounds like she wants to see you, but is nervous to meet indoors at a home. Do you think she’s a bit nervous of the lack of distancing with the children? Or is she worried about passing it on to the children and wanting to protect them?