The ridiculous "rules" my parents set

[P1tching]

In the early days of Coronavirus my mum took the decision that she was a "shielder" not an official letter through the post and food parcel one - a self declared one. She has had a serious illness in the past but she has been recovered for a long time, the only risk factor is her age - 70. My DH thinks it was for attention as she has certainly form for making up illnesses/ food allergies etc - mainly since she recovered and did not have all of her friends running round her and constantly checking in with her.

Previously, she was very active, helped pick up my DC from school, same for my nieces and nephews, took all the grandchildren out that kind of thing. We were (are?) a very close knit family.

At first we had to convince her that coronavirus was a thing she should be more concerned about. She was actually on a mini break when lockdown was announced. However, she then made a rapid U turn.

None of us really saw her for 12 weeks. She holed up at home with my step dad and we dropped shopping off etc (again, running round her, messaging constantly). She told her friends she was shielding.

As the restrictions were loosened she started doing more - she would only go to one of my sister's gardens, the rest of us deemed to have too small a space and not enough loos to dedicate one for her visit (that's right, no one could use the same loo as her). It was all taken very seriously and we all respected that at the time. She has barely seen her 6 GC as they are all under 10 and cannot be trusted not to cuddle her (she was very hands on before). Mine are the youngest at 3&5 and have only been allowed to wave through the patio doors.

However, in August she made full use of the eat out to help out scheme - sometimes having lunch and dinner out and next week she is going to a spa hotel a two night "treat" for her birthday.

We are still not allowed in her house and she has not been to mine since early March.

I challenged her about it and she said that all the places she has been to are "safe" and so clean and they all wear masks

AIBU here?

I have seen her in a garden maybe 5 times since March. I suggested we (me and my 3 siblings) went for dinner this weekend for her birthday and she accepted!! She would not dare enter my house though.

I am sure she must be telling her friends how awful it is that she cannot see her GC.... all the while she is happy rubbing alongside strangers. I completely respect her decision to stay home but I don't think she sees the double standard.

Am I missing something? Has she been brainwashed by Boris?
My DH thinks she has enjoyed the break from being the linchpin of the family and doesn't want to go back to being chief babysitter which I can understand but for the most part she offered to have them and really seemed to enjoy being a Grandma.

Anyone else have friends/ family with their own rules?

It’s up to your DM to decide how she wants to work it. How would you like it if she questioned your every move and your opinion on COVID? She will have her reasons and remember as you get into your 60’s and 70’s you can still do most things but you certainly tire more easily. She’s probably enjoying having some time to just be herself. After all she’s already brought up 4 children, she deserves a break.
One thing that the lockdown and restrictions gave me was the time to be myself, do things for myself and OH and realise who I wanted in my life and who I didn’t. It’s been a great eye opener and given me the chance to change things for the better.

A couple of things you posted @P1tching struck a chord.

"She has had a serious illness in the past but she has been recovered for a long time, the only risk factor is her age - 70. My DH thinks it was for attention as she has certainly form for making up illnesses/ food allergies etc - mainly since she recovered and did not have all of her friends running round her and constantly checking in with her."

Your DH has a point. Being fussed over 'rewards' us for behaving as an invalid is expected to behave. Some people really like it and subconsciously try to extend the reward. It's one of the reasons HCPs emphasise becoming independent again after an illness. "Making up illnesses/ food allergies" - that shows a certain level of determination to be treated as an invalid!

And also -

"The thing is, me and my siblings haven't been seeing much of each other either. As I said, my mum is the centre of our world and so it just wouldn't be right to do things without her and so she hasn't "missed out" on much, maybe it would be different if we had organised a few things without her."

Yes, it would be different! This 'wouldn't be right' - really, you're all putting your lives on hold until Her Majesty deigns to favour you with her presence? Really? It's certainly a different kind of dancing attendance to ' running round her and constantly checking in with her' but it is nonetheless dancing attendance to her. You and your siblings need to start seeing each other again. This might incentivise your mother to stop thinking of herself as an invalid. But it would also be good for YOURSELVES to see each other. So get on with it!

overtherainbow I’d be interested to see that pie chart showing 40% of cases come from schools, because I don’t believe it is accurate at all.

YANBU

Its the double standard that makes this shine out as attention seeking. If she was genuine then she wouldnt (as my mother doesnt) go the pub or a spa or shopping or whatever. But the fact that she will do that and then make a holy fuss that you dont have a dedicated loo for her makes it clear that this is her attempt to make it all about her.

I would organise something with your siblings and then drop it into conversation with her afterwards. The fact that she is missing out ("We did talk about inviting you but as youre sheilding we knew you wouldnt come") will really show it up. She will be pissed off and angry and probably invite you round to make a point.

I agree with your DH. She's found the perfect excuse for getting out of childcare. It seems that what she's trying to avoid, when you really look at it, is lots of interaction with the children of the family. The excuses are her way of avoiding the, "I don't really want to babysit the grandchildren" conversation she'd otherwise have to have.

I think there is a logic to her behaviour. We are all doing our own risk assessments. Personally I'm not keen to go inside anywhere if I can avoid it so no indoor restaurants for me. However my elderly parents have been going in restaurants. For her she is not likely to hug anyone in a restaurant but she is likely to hug her GC. And children are very good at spreading disease.

Or maybe she is scared she will give it to her grandkids because she go out like this

If you lived in Scotland your mum would be correctly following the rules no household mixing indoors, can meet groups of six with max of two households Outdoors or in pubs/ restaurants with SD
So everyone in Scotland is odd or attention seeking in your view.
Wouldn’t feel comfortable following Boris’s pick and mix approach myself but you do you.

If you have been seriously ill In life, I think it changes your perspective. Perhaps she really really doesn’t want to get sick again and possibly die? She might have got in touch with her own vulnerability. Maybe she wants to see her GC on a longer term basis, rather than prioritise the short term. Why don’t you ask her? Your DH sounds like he lacks compassion for an obviously worried older person.

I'd be upset by someone taking such efforts to shield themselves to me but still going out to restaurants and hotels.

Have you tried suggesting that the family wears masks around her?

This is reflected in some additional lockdown areas where it is the law that you can't see people in their homes or gardens but only guidance you can't see them in a restaurant.

No, the laws don't reflect any kind of reality and are actually pretty irrational. Spread is VERY unlikely outside. There is no reason why the OP's mother can't see people in a garden!

she has not done anything wrong. it's just that you do not agree with her.
you seem quite dismissive of her concern for her health and safety. you probably do not know all the details of her medical situation, parents often do not share this so as not to worry/burden children. she may be taking drugs that make her more susceptible.
could you not suggest meeting in a park on a warm day, where there are plenty of seats to spread out.
and maybe she was doing too much previously. it can be difficult for GPs to step back from expectations. you mention several GC; maybe she felt she had to do for the later ones what she had for the first, despite being older, having less energy perhaps, medical problems.
if you love someone, it really mean accepting, and respecting, them as they are, not only when you approve of them.

[quote P1tching]@zoemum2006 I have respected my mum's wishes at all times. I wouldn't make her do anything she didn't want to do but I just find her reasoning hard to fathom at the moment.[/quote]
I don't find her reasoning hard to fathom at all, she is being extremely careful and you are being foolhardy.
I think she's right to be careful perhaps if we were all like that the infection rate wouldn't be exponentially rising again.
I wouldn't be going anywhere near small dc's atm inside any homes or closed spaces , and definitely no hugging as they're mixing with many more people, any one of them a potential asymptomatic carrier.

Meetings with friends and family are outside only in fresh air; meals in pubs at tables well distanced with hand spray/sanitising at all times....or we leave.
Trying our best not to catch anything, to stay healthy for the future.
In her home she may well feel the DGC's will demand hugs, jump on her and she simply can't do that atm. I can't either.
I like to be in a controlled environment where I know I can walk out if I perceive the risk is too great.

She is the sensible one here.
Covid is more likely to be spread in family groups mixing in different households. Not sure why you think you and your family are immune.
Good on your mum for taking advantage of the eat out to help out rather than coming round to yours.
You need to get on with looking after your own family and children and stop getting worked up about your mum.

Just communicate with her on the phone/internet. Let her be.
Beside She is getting older and she probably enjoys her body taking it. I am in a lot of pain myself at 40’s - carpal tunnel, back issues, severe case of plantar, etc. and even I can’t do too much. I am scared what it will be like in my 70’s

One thing that the lockdown and restrictions gave me was the time to be myself, do things for myself and OH and realise who I wanted in my life and who I didn’t

I can relate to this. I'm early 60s and it's so liberating to not be at everyone's beck and call. I've realised how much of my time is spent doing favours for other people. Whilst I feel a bit guilty that I really can't be out and about in the way I normally would, it's something of a relief to have the pressure off.

In fact dh and I had a night away in a hotel for my birthday. Weather was nice so we had a long walk in the country, drinks outside socially distanced, and dinner and breakfast were delivered to the room (which had a beautiful river view). Far safer than a house full of young families. So that's the other side of the story.

She's found the perfect excuse for getting out of childcare

That's not fair. She has no childcare responsibilities to 'get out of'
She doesn't need an excuse. It's a reason.

I think I am getting a hard time here - none of you know the relationship I have with my family.

Firstly, I do not rely on her for childcare. She offers. I am not put out that I have lost a babysitter. I am more concerned that I have lost a mother and my DC a grandmother.

Secondly, I am in England where there are no additional rules. I have not breached any rules/ guidelines myself. I have been toeing the line like the vast majority of the population.

I am not forcing my mum to do anything, all along it has all been on her terms (she is the matriarch- we all do what she says) - all I am saying is that I find it hard to understand that she won't see me or my DC (in a garden, even, of course I wouldn't let them hug her but 5 mins to see them play?) but will go out to pubs, restaurants and hotels.

I am also very worried that she is doing these things at all. I challenged her with a curious - "do you think you should be going away next week?" I didn't forbid her!!

I am going to leave this thread now and will not contact my mum again as clearly I am being unreasonable wanting a relationship with her.

Has she caught coronavirus? No? Well then.

I am going to leave this thread now and will not contact my mum again as clearly I am being unreasonable wanting a relationship with her.

You sound very dramatic. She might be being dramatic too? (Although I do agree with her. I go to work, the gym etc but I meet family outside as you're likely to have closer contact to family than others). I think we have to respect other people's wishes when they want to keep safe from Covid.

I am going to leave this thread now and will not contact my mum again as clearly I am being unreasonable wanting a relationship with her

Hilarious: binning off your mother on the strength of an MN thread not going the way you would seem to have wanted it.

What am I supposed to do? Numerous posters have told me to leave her alone?

Gah, I have stuff today - must step away from my phone.

No-one has said that.

Leaving her alone is not not contacting her, as I believe you well know. It's about showing respect for her decisions. I do not say having respect, but showing it, by not getting on her case about what she chooses to do.

What am I supposed to do?

In my opinion you should just respect her wishes. See her in the garden, for meals etc. I have a number of colleagues who had Covid- one ended up in ICU (no other conditions) and I understand people trying their hardest not to get it.

My DM has funny guidelines. She is now happy to get the bus into town - only oldies on it because they clearly don't carry the virus - , go to the library and let DF go there too, but got so anxious about the thought of an outdoor lunch at a food place with us in the summer when cases were low, that she developed a physical symptom so couldn't come.
I get she's worried. They are both in their 80s and she is particularly worried about DF who has diabetes and is 87. But there's also an element that she doesn't enjoy meals out - DF really does - so I think as well as being worried she simply didn't want to go.
I think for your DM just leave her to it. I do as much as my DPs feel comfortable with and for DFs birthday I got them a takeaway from his favourite carvery. The worst thing would be for them to get infected so I base my actions around that.

And yet others like me have told you to contact her. Taking a break then come back to the thread and reread all the comments is always good advice.