The ridiculous "rules" my parents set

[P1tching]

In the early days of Coronavirus my mum took the decision that she was a "shielder" not an official letter through the post and food parcel one - a self declared one. She has had a serious illness in the past but she has been recovered for a long time, the only risk factor is her age - 70. My DH thinks it was for attention as she has certainly form for making up illnesses/ food allergies etc - mainly since she recovered and did not have all of her friends running round her and constantly checking in with her.

Previously, she was very active, helped pick up my DC from school, same for my nieces and nephews, took all the grandchildren out that kind of thing. We were (are?) a very close knit family.

At first we had to convince her that coronavirus was a thing she should be more concerned about. She was actually on a mini break when lockdown was announced. However, she then made a rapid U turn.

None of us really saw her for 12 weeks. She holed up at home with my step dad and we dropped shopping off etc (again, running round her, messaging constantly). She told her friends she was shielding.

As the restrictions were loosened she started doing more - she would only go to one of my sister's gardens, the rest of us deemed to have too small a space and not enough loos to dedicate one for her visit (that's right, no one could use the same loo as her). It was all taken very seriously and we all respected that at the time. She has barely seen her 6 GC as they are all under 10 and cannot be trusted not to cuddle her (she was very hands on before). Mine are the youngest at 3&5 and have only been allowed to wave through the patio doors.

However, in August she made full use of the eat out to help out scheme - sometimes having lunch and dinner out and next week she is going to a spa hotel a two night "treat" for her birthday.

We are still not allowed in her house and she has not been to mine since early March.

I challenged her about it and she said that all the places she has been to are "safe" and so clean and they all wear masks

AIBU here?

I have seen her in a garden maybe 5 times since March. I suggested we (me and my 3 siblings) went for dinner this weekend for her birthday and she accepted!! She would not dare enter my house though.

I am sure she must be telling her friends how awful it is that she cannot see her GC.... all the while she is happy rubbing alongside strangers. I completely respect her decision to stay home but I don't think she sees the double standard.

Am I missing something? Has she been brainwashed by Boris?
My DH thinks she has enjoyed the break from being the linchpin of the family and doesn't want to go back to being chief babysitter which I can understand but for the most part she offered to have them and really seemed to enjoy being a Grandma.

Anyone else have friends/ family with their own rules?

@katy1213

Let her do her own thing. I wouldn't be running round making deliveries to her, though; if it's safe in a restaurant, it's safe in a supermarket.

This.

So she will go to a restaurant with strangers but won't sit in your garden. Odd 🙄

Leaving her alone is stop forcing her when she doesn’t want to at the moment. Stop pestering her about it. It does not mean stop talking to her.

It is possible your mom developed depression from isolation but it also seem like she is trying to climb out of it too.

My DM is similar although without the previous helpfulness...

I am taking it at her pace/choice. But certainly wouldn't be doing the running around /shopping etc

I would also assume she will not go back to her previous helpful role and plan on a limited interaction in the future...

Sorry seen more of your updates...maybe you should organise more things with your siblings if you want to see them...

Let her know the meet ups are on but its up to her.....we saw my mum in the garden a couple of times in the summer but now dc back at school she doesn't want to do that again as too risky Maybe end of oct half term (if we isolate for half term)

You do sound quite dependent emotionally/socially...I don't know anyone whose every weekend is based around their family....as part of a mix maybe

Do your dh family get a look in...do the kids get time for activities or to spend time just with their parents??
Do you not do stuff with friends and their kids?

Change is always hard but maybe think about what you actually enjoy doing with your kids and dh

I am going to leave this thread now and will not contact my mum again as clearly I am being unreasonable wanting a relationship with her

I've only seen my daughter 4 times (outdoors) since March as she has too many daily contacts with others to be sure she's not infected at any point.
We still have a relationship though, cos, like, I'm her Mam and she calls me and I call her. And we do face to face whatsapp when we can be arsed. You are being overly dramatic.

It sounds to me as if she's acting pretty much as per government recommendations.

Anywhere which has had to bring local restrictions in has stopped families meeting up within each other's homes and gardens but most are still allowing people to go out for meals or for holidays . Outside of workplace outbreaks my understanding is that most cases have been passed on through family members meeting up indoors .

At 3 and 5 your children are likely to be mixing closely with other children and they would find it harder to remember to not touch their faces. I don’t think her logic matters. Sounds like she was an incredibly helpful grandparent pre covid and you are disappointed this has stopped. If she’s not breaking any laws it’s her choice to make let her get on with it. She’s 70 and should be allowed to make her own decisions about the life she wants to lead.

@WhereYouLeftIt

A couple of things you posted *@P1tching* struck a chord.

"She has had a serious illness in the past but she has been recovered for a long time, the only risk factor is her age - 70. My DH thinks it was for attention as she has certainly form for making up illnesses/ food allergies etc - mainly since she recovered and did not have all of her friends running round her and constantly checking in with her."

Your DH has a point. Being fussed over 'rewards' us for behaving as an invalid is expected to behave. Some people really like it and subconsciously try to extend the reward. It's one of the reasons HCPs emphasise becoming independent again after an illness. "Making up illnesses/ food allergies" - that shows a certain level of determination to be treated as an invalid!

And also -

"The thing is, me and my siblings haven't been seeing much of each other either. As I said, my mum is the centre of our world and so it just wouldn't be right to do things without her and so she hasn't "missed out" on much, maybe it would be different if we had organised a few things without her."

Yes, it would be different! This 'wouldn't be right' - really, you're all putting your lives on hold until Her Majesty deigns to favour you with her presence? Really? It's certainly a different kind of dancing attendance to ' running round her and constantly checking in with her' but it is nonetheless dancing attendance to her. You and your siblings need to start seeing each other again. This might incentivise your mother to stop thinking of herself as an invalid. But it would also be good for YOURSELVES to see each other. So get on with it!

Totally and utterly agree with this 💯 You can’t control other people but you can control your reaction and own behaviour.

Have some fun and meet your siblings. She’s the one who will miss out.