Are people going inside elderly parent's houses now?

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Officially the rules say we can, but I still feel that it's risky to go inside my parent's house.

DH is exposed to people at work. I work from home and am completely isolated other than occasional shop visits. So I feel like we're being as safe as we possibly can be.

My parents have formed an extended household with my sister and her DCs, but the DCs also spend time at their Dad's house, who has formed an extended household with his own parents. So there are multiple links there already.

My DM wants us to go over for dinner. I just don't know if it's safe - for them, rather than us. They're elderly and vulnerable. I'd never forgive myself if we passed the virus to them. But on the other hand, we have to start trying to return to normality, and we're as safe now as we'll ever be.

What are other people doing?

Yes I’ve been visiting my mum (in her late 80s) for a while now. If honest I haven’t felt that the risk of me having the virus was particularly high, and hers even lower. I may feel a little more nervous/cautious now though as am returning to work as a teacher.

My parents are older/vulnerable. Live several hundred miles apart. We’ve stayed with them with our DC at their request. Mum’s view is that given their age and health issues they could become v unwell or die without Covid and this disruption/risk could go on for some time. In that time, they want to cuddle the GC.

They were also struggling MH wise, particularly with seeing my siblings/GC only outdoors (v difficult with mum’s disabilities) with no physical contact. Was actually easier with me/my DC as we live further afield.

It has been very interesting over the past few months. MIL is 84 and has daily care for medication needs. We all (including MIL) took the decision from the start that we would not take any risk.

She has actually blossomed. Without having her sons to lean on for every little thing she has become independent again - using the internet for shopping and zoom calls - it was a really unexpected boost from the covid restrictions.

We are now in a bubble for a bit of company really rather than going back to how things were, and she is (and I probably am as well) a delight to spend time with rather than another tick on the chores list . So yes we spend time indoors now.

I agree that people are becoming complacent.

I wouldn’t say I was complacent but I am following guidance of what is allowed. My dad is in his late eighties and in deteriorating health. His world has already narrowed to a level of “existence” rather than “living”. I feel if we put off seeing him until some mythical point in the future when it is “safe” (which of course it won’t be as there are other diseases for him to acquire) then it may well be too late. Both he and I would rather carry on normally (with sensible precautions of course).

Obviously this is an entirely different scenario to visiting parents who might expect to have many more years of fruitful life, so for them having a year of isolation might be worth it in the long run. I don’t feel that is the case for my dad.

Not parents here, but grandparents. We are visiting my DHs 82 year old grandmother today for the first time since February. She is desperate to see us. She doesnt have any underlying conditions other than problems with her hips, but I am a little nervous going. However, it's her choice. She feels it's better to see her great granddaughter than hide away from everyone for the foreseeable future. I dont think things are going to get any better

Yes because they want to live their lives....they accept any (small) risk. Elderly parents won't be around forever and don't want to waste the time they have in isolation.

That's how my Uncle is looking at it @loulouljh. He's 85 and had a hip replacement 6 weeks before lockdown so was practically housebound for a long while before. His view is he didn't go through all that for nothing. At first him and his partner had their shopping delivered, didn't go anywhere but now they are going out most days and I can't say I blame them. Life's too short as it is, let alone when you get to 86 and 91!

I wouldn't consider 70's as risky unless with other issues. Most 70 year olds I know are still working, out and about, on holiday, playing golf etc etc.

Over 80 more cautious, but tbh, those I know are more interested in having a full life than a long boring, isolated life.

I agree that people are becoming complacent.

If people have been following the guidelines from the start they are not being complacent in continuing to follow them as they evolve. They are simply doing as advised. There is a lot of complacency surrounding the Covid guidance but I don't think any of it applies to people who are visiting their relatives as permitted.

We didn't, we dropped bags of shopping off at the door and waved to him through the window until the beginning of August.

Then we went in - and found DUncle severely malnourished and in need of urgent hospitalisation - he'd gradually eaten less and less as lockdown got to him until he stopped eating completely.

We thought we were doing the best, we thought we were protecting him

doodoo I hope your Uncle is now on the mend. You did what you thought was right.

I have been going into MIL's, putting eye-drops in through a glass pane is a skill I have not yet accomplished.

I think most people are going wherever now. It's hard to keep track of bubbles, extended bubbles or extended family groups. Once you link with one family, you know they are seeing other family, so what's the point. For example weve met with my parents a few times, so it could be argued they are in our extended family. But theyve also met with my other siblings and their families. Then my sil announced she was coming to visit once a week, so theres another family. Then my children have met with their friends, so theres another 4 or 5 links.

The DCs and I have stayed with my parents- fit 79 and 80 year olds. Both perfectly capable of deciding whether they wanted us to stay. They live 200 miles away and hadn't seen us since March. Recently they've lost a very close relative ( not to Covid) and 2 good friends have been diagnosed with cancer. They and pretty much all of their friends are following the rules re masks, SD when outside etc but are not going to sit around not seeing loved ones when they are all in the 'later stages' of life. A lot to their friends are/ were in the medical profession and they've all done their own risk assessments!
MIIL is slightly more 'vulnerable' but she lives nearer and has a big garden so no need to stay anyway. She is older and has just been into hospital and is very keen to see us all.

It sounds like people are making their own risk assessments based on their personal circumstances. I agree that mental wellbeing is as important as keeping the virus away.

doodoo big hugs to you, sorry to hear your Uncle was struggling.

I think I'm going to take each invitation as it comes and risk assess accordingly. Some times it might be worth it i.e. a special occasion, if DH and I feel like we haven't been exposed. Other times if we've been out and feel like we're more at risk of having been exposed, we might dial it back a bit to garden visits only again.

I think elderly people need to balance their health needs too. Of course it feels that we can't be too careful in avoiding a potentially catastrophic virus, but for people who are elderly or have health issues, the damage of locking down can be harder to reverse than for the average person.

For example, keeping pottering about by doing small local errands, going for a short walk, seeing some friends locally...these physical activities and social contacts can be vital in preserving mobility and mental acuity. A younger person or someone with few health challenges might well decline a bit during a lockdown but be able to build up fitness more easily afterwards.

It's really hard and I constantly wonder if we are getting the balance right or will have regrets.

^This really. Before lockdown MIL was going to a dementia day centre twice a week which was good for her mentally and gave FIL a decent break. Now her dementia is deteriorating quite quickly and the stress of it is causing FIL's COPD to worsen. So they're being protected from Covid just to die slowly at home. If FIL dies I have no idea what we will do. MIL cannot look after herself, cannot even work out how to make a cup of tea, obviously we'd be worried about her going into a care home plus they have a dog which we'd have to sort out...

A friend of mine is due to go and visit his il's in a coupe of weeks, as it's a big anniversary for them. It's somewhere that has different rules/guidelines also.
There are 4 separate households (no young children) totalling 12 people, getting together in a room of about 5m x 4m, so no social distancing will be going on.
I think it's a recipe for disaster myself, and have told him so.

We all went and stayed with my mum who is over 70 for a week. Little
Point in social distancing as we were all sharing the space. We hadn’t seen her for months and she was so happy to see us. It was lovely and would do it again.

Elderly parent here. Well actually 62 but with serious health issues and DH is 70. I have only ventured to the odd shop since shielding ended.
My DC are visiting the house now. We do keep our distance though I long to hug them. We do handwashing and visitors use the downstairs toilet which I clean afterwards.
I would never want them to feel responsible if I caught the virus. However I do feel we have a window of opportunity and things may get worse in winter and the risks increase. If I were truly elderly I think I would take the more risk as isolation is so depressing.

My parents are 87 and 85 and have always been in pretty good health apart from my Mom having skin cancer a while back. My Dad especially has always been active, right up until lockdown, doing lots of walking and shopping whilst my Mom has look after the house and cooked.

I haven’t been in their house since March. I do some shopping for them every week and drop it on their doorstep and then stand on the drive for a chat, even in the pouring rain. I’m taking my cues from them and this is obviously as close as they’re comfortable with any of us getting to them at the moment.

It’s hard to see them like this. My Dad particularly really seems to have turned into a frail old man since March and I was shocked to see him walking with a stick when I called by with their shopping this week.

I think in this it's important to take the wishes of the elderly person into consideration so if they are asking for a visit I think that's what people should do as we all need a reason / purpose to our lives . No point in avoiding seeing an elderly relative because you don't want to pass on Covid . Only for them to become lonely and depressed .

We only have my mum still alive now, she is in her 80s with dementia and lives in a care home . I have only been able to visit once since lockdown and between the distancing and masks rule and mum's dementia, the visit wasn't entirely successful . But I am so pleased that she is in the home where she sees people and has something to interest her.

If this had all happened a few years ago and my parents had wanted to see me I would definitely have visited , certainly with distancing and a lot of hand cleaning and possibly with a mask but I know that social interaction was what kept them going .

My mum is 81 and I have visited her twice for 3 days at a time. She'd be outraged if I didn't go because I was worried about giving her covid. We both live in areas with very low infection rates but I am not sure she'd feel any differently if we didn't.

My Dad particularly really seems to have turned into a frail old man yes this is what my mum doesn't want to happen to her. She was going out for walks throughout lockdown and did her own shopping (and that of others!). She has been very clear throughout that isolation is very bad for mental health and you have to look after that too.

It's their decision, surely.

For short visits we sit in the garden, or if raining, we sit in the conservatory with the doors and windows open and Dad sits in the kitchen several metres away. If we use his bathroom we disinfect the whole thing whil,e wearing mask and gloves.

To stay while he was run down and strugglingl, the whole family isolated completelty for 7 days - as long as was feasable with our commitments - so I could go and clean and look after him for a few days. (And stock his freezer with meals) THhat was about minimising the chance anyone in my house has a carrier before I visited him.

Dad's very frail with health problems. If he caught this it would kill him.

No. No-one has set foot in my parent's house since March 12th. They are both 84 years old. My dad is very frail so this is at their request.

I've travelled to see them and sat in their garden; I have a few weeks left of this but after that I don't anticipate seeing them until next Spring.

They are both big worriers so I don't think I'll get inside their house and they won't come to my house unless there is a vaccine. It's a sad situation but we've all adapted to "seeing" each other on FaceTime instead.

My dad seems older each time I see him but with a bit of interaction he's back to his normal self - well, nearly. He's 92 and his wife (94) is in the South of France - she's French and her family are there. They made the decision he would come back alone shortly before lockdown - dh drove down to get him. Heartbreaking. I'm sure they won't see each other again though they speak on the phone every evening.

I was doing all the shopping etc for my dad and ds (23) was helping quite a bit with the garden. Dad loves pottering (or buggering up depending on your viewpoint!) - he just craves company. So we're going in the house - as he's now decided to do Sainsbury's himself no reason not to. What a way to go if you never get to talk to anyone. Dad's a retired vicar and up till a few months ago was taking services and supporting people.