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Original poster

Are people going inside elderly parent's houses now?

102 replies

ScammedOrWhat · 21/08/2020 22:48

Officially the rules say we can, but I still feel that it's risky to go inside my parent's house.

DH is exposed to people at work. I work from home and am completely isolated other than occasional shop visits. So I feel like we're being as safe as we possibly can be.

My parents have formed an extended household with my sister and her DCs, but the DCs also spend time at their Dad's house, who has formed an extended household with his own parents. So there are multiple links there already.

My DM wants us to go over for dinner. I just don't know if it's safe - for them, rather than us. They're elderly and vulnerable. I'd never forgive myself if we passed the virus to them. But on the other hand, we have to start trying to return to normality, and we're as safe now as we'll ever be.

What are other people doing?

OP posts:
Kashtan · 21/08/2020 23:45

Yes I am, my parents are both in their 80s ( divorced so 2 households) my mother in particular I was very worried about and her mental health was falling off the cliff. I have been going up weekly since it was permitted and she is so much better alround. My dad thinks he is invincible bless him so won’t hear of me not popping in to use the the loo, or if the weather is inclement.

RaspberryRuff · 21/08/2020 23:45

I did a couple of times in the summer holidays, but won’t be now the kids are in school. My mum is 72 with a few health problems and my dad is 73 with cancer.

Original poster
ScammedOrWhat · 21/08/2020 23:47

@Immigrantsong

OP some people never followed the guidelines in the first place.

Let alone now that things are relaxed.

Yeah...

I'd never forgive myself if I brought it into my parents home. Whenever I've visited them, I do get anxious about it afterwards and worry were we standing too close, did we touch common items etc...

OP posts:
premiumshoes · 21/08/2020 23:48

OP some people never followed the guidelines in the first place.

Fair point.

I do wonder though about the people who did follow the guidelines but now they are changing and allowing us to do more have decided not to follow them anymore and to stay away from people they are allowed to see.

We followed the advice strictly, we still are.

Scarby9 · 21/08/2020 23:50

Yes, yes, @ScammedOrWhat. Baby steps.

My parents are definitely struggling. My dad is my mum's carer and their lives have telescoped down to almost zero because of coronavirus,which is so hard on both of them, but particularly my dad. I can't imagine how difficult they will find winter when they can't so easily go into the garden to feed the birds or deadhead the potplants to give a routine to the day, as well as taking a flask of coffee for a little drive in the car when mum is having a good day.

I am going to have to go inside the house once I can't choose a day each week with good enough weather to make them stay outside with me. So I am increasing the risk, pushing the boundaries a teeny bit each time in preparation.

It helps that I have been able to work from home up to now and been able to observe social distancing all the rest of the week.But I will have to go back into work soon, which obviously increases the risks for them.

Weighing up physical risk vs. risk to mental health all the time, like everyone else.

Awful as it sounds, if I knew they would both catch it and not survive (swift, painless, unknowing), at the moment that feels almost more bearable than the possible alternatives. It is those that are difficult to contemplate and that I have to try to protect them from, and help them to protect themselves from.

No right answers...

HaveYouSeenMyFriendKimberley · 21/08/2020 23:52

I'm not as I'm surplus to requirements really. Other family is nearby and mixing.

I'd be doing it for my own sake and possibly bringing in infection from another area.

Original poster
ScammedOrWhat · 21/08/2020 23:52

@premiumshoes

OP some people never followed the guidelines in the first place.

Fair point.

I do wonder though about the people who did follow the guidelines but now they are changing and allowing us to do more have decided not to follow them anymore and to stay away from people they are allowed to see.

We followed the advice strictly, we still are.

I guess that's me - followed the guidelines when they were designed to protect us. Now they're designed to allow some relaxation back to normality, and I know that is based on transmission being low (theoretically) but just because the government says you can mix households doesn't mean you suddenly are completely safe from catching it/spreading it.

I'm just overly cautious I know...

OP posts:
ekidmxcl · 21/08/2020 23:55

Yes

Because their lives are ticking away anyway

To put it bluntly

katy1213 · 21/08/2020 23:56

Surely your parents are old enough to make up their own minds?

Original poster
ScammedOrWhat · 21/08/2020 23:56

@Scarby9

Yes, yes, *@ScammedOrWhat*. Baby steps.

My parents are definitely struggling. My dad is my mum's carer and their lives have telescoped down to almost zero because of coronavirus,which is so hard on both of them, but particularly my dad. I can't imagine how difficult they will find winter when they can't so easily go into the garden to feed the birds or deadhead the potplants to give a routine to the day, as well as taking a flask of coffee for a little drive in the car when mum is having a good day.

I am going to have to go inside the house once I can't choose a day each week with good enough weather to make them stay outside with me. So I am increasing the risk, pushing the boundaries a teeny bit each time in preparation.

It helps that I have been able to work from home up to now and been able to observe social distancing all the rest of the week.But I will have to go back into work soon, which obviously increases the risks for them.

Weighing up physical risk vs. risk to mental health all the time, like everyone else.

Awful as it sounds, if I knew they would both catch it and not survive (swift, painless, unknowing), at the moment that feels almost more bearable than the possible alternatives. It is those that are difficult to contemplate and that I have to try to protect them from, and help them to protect themselves from.

No right answers...

Yeah I'm worried about winter. My DM has kept herself going with optimism that we will soon have a vaccine. I've been reluctant to burst her bubble as I think the hope is what is keeping her going. But I think the reality is starting to dawn on her that we're going to be like this for a good while yet.
OP posts:
Original poster
ScammedOrWhat · 21/08/2020 23:58

@katy1213

Surely your parents are old enough to make up their own minds?
Of course they are - and what they choose to do is up to them. But I can choose not to risk bringing the virus to them as well.
OP posts:
BottomOfMyPencilCase · 22/08/2020 00:03

No we're not going in and haven't since March. I know some of my siblings have chosen differently but it doesn't feel worth the risk especially since our DC are back at school.

HeddaGarbled · 22/08/2020 00:08

I am but that’s because she needs help with cleaning and laundry etc. I’ve had lunch there but we don’t sit around a table talking into each other’s faces.

Scarby9 · 22/08/2020 00:09

@katy1213 Old enough, yes.

But my mum doesn't have full capacity and I don't want my dad to have to make every decision for them both.

And I am also old enough to make decisions about my conduct when it affects them - or anyone else for that matter.

whatswithtodaytoday · 22/08/2020 00:15

No, we're not. Led by them - they still want to be really careful and try not to get ill, and obviously I couldn't bear to be the one who makes them ill. We have a toddler in nursery so he's quite a significant risk to them.

Waspnest · 22/08/2020 00:22

Yes we have to really. FIL has severe COPD, MIL has dementia, we have to carry the shopping in because neither can do that or put it away. I think we're going to have to go in and do a deep clean at some point before they get food poisoning. No hugs though and we try to stay 2 m apart.

vodkaredbullgirl · 22/08/2020 00:29

No my parents live 180 miles away, plus I am working and don't have time to visit. They are in their 80s and can't put them at risk, nor can I put my residents where I work at risk. I do WhatsApp with them at least once a week.

mammmamia · 22/08/2020 00:31

Parents and in laws early 70s. Both dads health issues - cancer / diabetes / stroke. We’ve been visiting in the garden often and have shared meals etc but only outside. No hugging yet Sad

Lately have been a bit more relaxed about going inside to get plates etc.
DH and I plus siblings all working from home. But soon kids will be in school and we’ll have to go into work on the tube at some point.
We are north London so not exactly a low risk area.
It’s been ok over the summer but I don’t know what we’re going to do when the weather turns. Winter, school, work will all bring increased risk.

I’m worried about winter and parents MH.

PeppersYellow · 22/08/2020 00:31

I'm similar to you OP in that I visit in the garden as sibling is the other household that my mum has as both are shielding. Also my dh works but I don't.

In the autumn/winter plan is for me to sit just inside the hall and for her to bring a chair out. I don't want to put her at risk. She doesn't want to be put at risk.

I definitely won't be going in. I'm grateful that I live near enough to see my mum. Personally I think people are becoming complacent.

PeppersYellow · 22/08/2020 00:34

Obviously some people haven't the choice though where their parents need help with things etc so appreciate that's difficult.

Chapellass · 22/08/2020 00:38

I think it's best to ask them what they want.

My mum has asked us to go in the house as she would rather catch covid than live without us.

However she isn't going to either the shops or the hairdressers due to risk of contact with a wider group of people - I think your parents are doing that you said OP, so they are taking risks already that seem more significant than seeing you? It's their choice but could they restrict those contacts but have you in the house instead perhaps

Original poster
ScammedOrWhat · 22/08/2020 00:39

I agree that people are becoming complacent. And yes those who have no choice are in a really difficult position, I feel for you.

I'm thinking I'll decline the suggestion to eat indoors this time, and continue to visit outside for as long as we possibly can weather permitting

OP posts:
wasgoingmadinthecountry · 22/08/2020 00:39

Yes, my dad is 92 and his dw (94) has stayed in France as her family are there. DH went to get him at his request just before lockdown. Yesterday ds went to pickup his grandad so he could see ds and his gf's house. Dad loved it. I go inside when I go- don't hug him though. Makes me wonder sometimes if dad will die before he gets to hug all his grandchildren again.

Original poster
ScammedOrWhat · 22/08/2020 00:41

I think your parents are doing that you said OP, so they are taking risks already that seem more significant than seeing you? It's their choice but could they restrict those contacts but have you in the house instead perhaps

They've been once to the shops and the hairdressers yes. I think that was reasonable, they were really careful and they needed to for their own mental health I think.

They see me plenty in the garden. I think their biggest risk is the DGCs, especially when they go back to school. Not much I can do about that (they're not my DCs).

OP posts:
RaininSummer · 22/08/2020 00:42

I still stand in my eighty year old mums drive and she sits in the window to talk. She has only been out of the house once since March.Now I am teaching again it's even more important that I keep my distance.