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Original poster

Are people going inside elderly parent's houses now?

102 replies

ScammedOrWhat · 21/08/2020 22:48

Officially the rules say we can, but I still feel that it's risky to go inside my parent's house.

DH is exposed to people at work. I work from home and am completely isolated other than occasional shop visits. So I feel like we're being as safe as we possibly can be.

My parents have formed an extended household with my sister and her DCs, but the DCs also spend time at their Dad's house, who has formed an extended household with his own parents. So there are multiple links there already.

My DM wants us to go over for dinner. I just don't know if it's safe - for them, rather than us. They're elderly and vulnerable. I'd never forgive myself if we passed the virus to them. But on the other hand, we have to start trying to return to normality, and we're as safe now as we'll ever be.

What are other people doing?

OP posts:
Inkpaperstars · 22/08/2020 00:43

I am staying over at my DM's right now, she is in her 80s and has been isolating through most of this. Recently though we have been inside with masks, and then done a longer visit this time where we have been more or less as normal in the house.

We all take precautions with where we go and who we see, what items we bring into the house, hand hygeine etc. I try to isolate for a while before visiting. We definitely keep a close eye on local infection stats. It's slightly odd for me as I am fairly sure I had Covid back in the spring so hopefully would not get it again for a while. But cannot be certain.

I think you have to stay aware about local infection levels, be hygienic...and in that context balance needs. Elderly people who live together may not be as much in need of a visit as someone who has been entirely alone. If in doubt, wait until everyone feels more comfortable, but bear in mind things might get harder soon over flu season.

Inkpaperstars · 22/08/2020 00:51

I think elderly people need to balance their health needs too. Of course it feels that we can't be too careful in avoiding a potentially catastrophic virus, but for people who are elderly or have health issues, the damage of locking down can be harder to reverse than for the average person.

For example, keeping pottering about by doing small local errands, going for a short walk, seeing some friends locally...these physical activities and social contacts can be vital in preserving mobility and mental acuity. A younger person or someone with few health challenges might well decline a bit during a lockdown but be able to build up fitness more easily afterwards.

It's really hard and I constantly wonder if we are getting the balance right or will have regrets.

flumposie · 22/08/2020 01:12

I've seen my 83 year old mum 4 times since March. Twice in her house, twice out of her house. She was admitted to hospital in June, so once she was allowed home we decided it was time to see her. She is in a city with a local lockdown so not sure when I will see her next. Plus I return to teaching in a secondary school in September.

catsarecute · 22/08/2020 01:29

We haven't been in any of our parents houses since lockdown, garden visits only so far. But MIL has asked if she can come and stay over (she's 81). I think she is missing the cats haha. She's coming this weekend as once DS is back at school it really won't be safe. So we thought we would have her over now whilst risks are lower. Who knows when the next time will be :-(

Redolent · 22/08/2020 04:57

It’s a tough call, if anything better to see them now before the gloomy winter months. But what’s clear is that elderly/vulnerable people remain exposed and increasingly at risk of having the virus transmitted to them. People keep saying that the elderly are the ones who need to socially distance, but they exclude their own family members, who they want to keep seeing (and who want to keep seeing them). If hospitalizations start to rise, I can see the government issuing targeted ‘stay at home’ messages, and it’ll be interesting to observe compliance then.

My brother lives in Manchester and his children have been mixing with (ex)shielding GPs. OK so far, but they don’t really go anywhere else. The worry is what happens when they return to school, in what is already a high infection area.

PhilCornwall1 · 22/08/2020 06:12

Yep, have been for weeks.

joystir59 · 22/08/2020 06:24

My 87 yr old mil lives with me in her own set of rooms. I visit her for a chat several times a day, otherwise, as she doesn't go out and doesn't use the phone, watch TV, read anything or listen to music, she would be completely isolated.

Toomboom · 22/08/2020 06:50

Yes, I visited my parents for the first time last week since February [ live too far away to just drop in ]
Both mid eighties and high risk and shielded until 1 August.

We have to somehow start living normally again. My parents illness's aren't going to go away, and we want to see each other. We can't leave it until covid goes away to visit otherwise I would probably never see them again, and i'm not going to do that.

CrunchyCarrot · 22/08/2020 07:10

Yes my DP visited his mum (who's 75 but very fit) and stayed for a few days. He doesn't have contact with other people as he's been WFH. His mum actually has more social contact than we do!

newlabelwriter · 22/08/2020 07:12

We’re going to see my dad next week, I haven’t been able to see him since Christmas but we’ll all test first just to be on the safe side.

OccasionalNachos · 22/08/2020 07:16

Yes. My dad and his brother have been providing care/shopping/etc for my 91 year old gran throughout anyway, & she wants to see her great grandchildren.

daisypond · 22/08/2020 07:18

No. My parents (mid-80s) don’t want us to. They don’t want to put themselves at risk. We haven’t seen them since before Christmas.

InsaneInTheViralMembrane · 22/08/2020 07:18

My 72 year old dad hasn’t seen my kids for 2 years because my mum has been so ill (she died in jan). He drove 500 miles (stopped at a hotel) and took them on holiday for a week. It did all three of them the world of good and they loved it. They also visited my aunt and uncle who are in their 80s.

Better to live.

PourMeADrink · 22/08/2020 07:20

I think this should be driven by the elderly.

They are more at risk and if they consider they want and need people to visit to 'live their life' then that would be all I needed to know to visit.

AnnaMagnani · 22/08/2020 07:22

Yes, my DM's mental health was falling off a cliff. She's coming to stay with me for 2 week's and is so happy.

We both live in areas with negligible cases so are quite happy to go ahead.

BikeRunSki · 22/08/2020 07:23

@ohthegoats

Yes.

Our 100 year old granny has had enough. She's desperately lonely. We visited and hugged her lots. At her request/insistence.

Yes, this, we have made a support bubble with DM (widowed, lives alone). She’s not 100 though!
BwanaMakubwa · 22/08/2020 07:24

My mum turns 80 next week. She lives 5 hours from me. I had planned on visiting - and we visited in mid July for the first time since Christmas - but we are in a local lockdown area and so are forbidden from staying with anyone or sitting in their garden, and can't find or afford a hotel for our family of 6 nearby so we can go for a walk in a park or something. Annoyingly our immediate area has and has had for months a low number of cases. But those are the rules so I don't get to see Mum on her 80th.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 22/08/2020 07:25

Yes. My elderly uncle and his partner invited me in and they have also been in our house.

minnieok · 22/08/2020 07:30

People need to weigh this up for themselves. We all have different potential exposures (eg a&e triage nurse is very different to me who works from home) we all have different risk factors, age is one but that alone doesn't mean they are particularly vulnerable it seems. We also have different needs eg do they need care, cleaning done, diy help? or is it just a social visit.

The government cannot weigh these up for you and we all have a different attitude to risk and our priorities eg my friend said if she only has 5 years or so left on this planet (she's in her 80's) she's not spending them hidden away and she went to the pub on the 4th July and has been to France (pre quarantine) for a holiday, yes I'm visiting her!

user1487194234 · 22/08/2020 07:30

Yes am visiting my parents

Bol87 · 22/08/2020 07:32

Yes at their request. My parents are mid 60’s but my mum is vulnerable due to steroids. She started seeing my young children again in a July outdoors in the garden (she has chosen not to distance) & before our new local lockdown, we were going inside from August. My mums mental health was rapidly going down hill & even her consultant said it was a balancing act of what was more deadly.. the virus or her suicidal feelings. So she’s opted to live life again. She sees her grandchildren & us with no distancing. Sees friends & other family with SD. Goes out for dinner occasionally & lots of walks & day trips to national trust type places that she loves! She’s doing SO much better :)

My granny is 85 & in poor health. She rang me & my cousins abs told us she’d rather die of covid than never see her grand & great grandchildren again. So we’ve all been visiting her every week. Her 6 great granddaughters are the highlight of her life 🧡 sadly, she had a mini stroke this week so stuck in hospital with no visitors 😭

eurochick · 22/08/2020 07:33

I agree @minnieok.

We are sticking to outdoor visits at the moment - coffee in the garden and walks outdoors. My parents are 70ish and my mum is extremely nervous. She has had cancer and issues with blood clotting so just doesn't think she would survive. I'd never forgive myself if one of us gave it to her. It's ok at the moment, but I'm not sure how we are going to manage in the winter weather.

minnieok · 22/08/2020 07:35

I should add my kids are staying with dm for a couple of weeks at her suggestion, exh went to see his gps in their 90's this week too and I'm due to see them Tuesday that will be outside though because it's the care home rules.

Lobsterquadrille2 · 22/08/2020 07:42

My mother was 90 last week, lives alone and has been completely independent during lockdown. We have only visited her in her garden but last week I had lunch in her kitchen, cleaned everything thoroughly, used a toilet she never uses, etc. I live with one DD and we've not been in anyone else's house since March and have observed all social distancing rules.

I haven't hugged or kissed my mother and do keep a reasonable distance. Ultimately it's all her choice - and the fact that she's been very lonely, her active social life has dwindled away until recently and she now wants to see us when she can, within reason. She's also struck up a friendship with a 94 year old widow on their daily walks, and this woman has also been coming over for coffee but that's literally her only contact.

It's so much based on individual circumstances and risk situations, though.

Faith1976 · 22/08/2020 07:46

I have visited my mum and she has visited mine. My mum’s mental health has been really bad during lock down so for her own mental well being we have done a couple of visits and taken my children, her grandkids. My mum is a fit healthy 73 year old. However she will no longer be helping out with the children when they return to school. She used to want to pick my youngest up from primary school every Thursday. We both came to the decision for my mum not to do this anymore. I want to protect my mum and feel that she will be exposed to covid 19 when the children return to school. I am also going to try and cover holiday care myself as much as I can so again my mum won’t have to be near us as much. At the moment I have been WFH and have had very little interaction with anyone other than my sister and my niece and nephew. DH works but with only about three people. I live just outside the area of Preston so have not had to do local lockdown but because of this my sister and I have come to the agreement not to visit each other at this time.