Are some of us just going to lose friends?

[Lelophants]

I'm not sure what this post is about really, perhaps more of a reflection on what has changed and is continuing to change. And how different we all are. Does anyone feel in a similar position to me?

Lockdown was hard, but we were pretty much in it together (I felt). Things have eased and understandably. Understandably due to government seriously needing the taxes, not due to high safety. Again I get that. People starting to hug everyone and do nothing at a distant I find harder, but I can see why they'd want to. Everyone is trying to find a new normal. And I suppose enjoy themselves before another lockdown or something similar.

Myself, dh, baby and neighbouring inlaws are all being extremely careful. We have our shopping deliveries and get the odd takeaway to support local business (heating up in oven and throwing away all bags, washing hands etc). No plans to go shopping, restaurants etc although feel quite deflated. No travel anywhere (used to be a big part of out lives).

I'm in my 30s and I feel like friends tend to flock to one of two camps - those who are similar (often with children and busy anyway) and are very cautious and those who are basically back to normal. I haven't seen so many of my friends for ages, but there are a few who are in the second camp. They are doing everything and really dont care. Even if I wasn't worried for myself I spend a lot of time with vulnerable in laws, so it's just not fair for me to be at risk. They're all asking at meeting up again and I dont know how long I can make excuses for.

If there is really no vaccinne until 2023/24 , I'm really wondering how these friendships can continue.

It's like the brexit/remain debate but feels even harder in some ways. It's like a slow burn of difference pthan just keeps going.

I am also wondering for myself, what is my new normal? Having a baby has put me in a bit of a bubble anyway.

I'm not going back to work straight away for various reasons (and I'm happy with that). But I am now starting to wonder about the long term effects of my almost 1 year old.

Oh and the friends I mentioned above have done no distancing and want to do proper meet ups and all back to normal. I just cant do it how they want to and I don't know how long I can keep saying no for :(

Yes, that's how it feels to me - we're more or less shielding here. I can handle it, but DD 14 is finding the almost aggressive lack of social distancing, and the pooh-poohing / 'there's going to be a second wave so what's the point' stuff really upsetting. She feels like she's losing friends that she can't afford to lose.
It's going to be a nightmare when they go back to school. Really she shouldn't be going but I can't do that to her.

We have had x4 social meetings IRL, almost entirely all outside.

Had no issue in expressing, "we might as well do the outdoor distancing things whilst we have the weather"

Kids mixed a bit more but mostly outside distancing.

Just do what makes you feel ok, friends will come back and if they can't respect your position if it varies from theirs in the middle of a pandemic then that's their problem.

I feel similar although I'm actually probably more in the second camp, even though I have kids including a baby (i.e. won't break any of the rules but happy to get back to normal as much as is allowed). It does feel like people have quite different views on it all and struggle to meet in the middle somehow, I agree it is a bit like brexit.

I'm really hoping it doesn't come to that though.

Could you suggest an outdoors socially distant meet up in woods/park with those friends? Would they and you both be ok with that? We have seen family inside but no friends inside yet.

I feel the same. Torn between being sensible and sticking to social distancing and giving in and doing meet ups. It's hard seeing all the social gatherings we have missed. Have a toddler so he is really missing the interaction with others but I just don't want to put my family at risk. It's horrible when you are made to feel like you are being silly for obeying the social distancing rules. Actually feeling pretty down about it today :-/

The number of infections is really low in my area. At the height of the virus, we were as careful as you are being, but we have got on with life now.

We wash hands, wear masks and generally socialise with our small group of friends outside, one family at a time, and I feel a million times better for it. DS, early twenties, is in Europe visiting his friend, DD is seeing a group of old school friends in a garden this evening, and I'm really really glad that they are socialising.

I feel very similar but I'm in the other camp. Obviously I (and probably your friends) would tell it slightly differently though.

I am being safe, I am following guidelines but I will do whatever is allowed at the time. So I've had my hair done, met friends in the park, gone shopping in town, eaten takeaway food from a restaurant. I've bubbled with my parents and they have resumed helping with childcare.

I have worn a mask when not outside for the above, washed my hands and kept my distance.

We are in Wales for context though so some differences in numbers and rules.

If they are trying to get you to do things you're not comfortable with like eat out, that's not fair. But there should be ways you can meet in the middle like a socially distanced walk outside. If you are refusing to compromise at all and instead plan to not see them until there's a vaccine, I think them feeling a bit hurt would be fair. But ultimately you have to do what you feel is right for you and your family. If they are good friends, you will all weather this.

I think that "the other half" who are not the worried well, probably feel similar levels of anxiety about wanting to get back to some sort of normality. Things feel so divided but we are all really just worried and responding to these strange events in our own way.

I am of the mindset that some more restrictions will come in Autumn. And that it will likely be a difficult winter. So I'm making the most of things at every stage. The WHO have spoken only today about how response fatigue will be a major risk. We are all only human and whilst it may feel safest to isolate yourself now, are you really going to be able to keep this up long term? I think finding more of a middle ground you're comfortable with would be sensible, if you are able to.

I think as a fairly new mum, you do need to be careful to not isolate yourself. If your current friends are too gung ho at the moment, maybe you could find some similarly minded mums to talk to online. I guess like here! But I was thinking more locally, so perhaps you could meet up in a way you're all more comfortable with?

I have a 2.5 year old and whilst all this change has effected her, I feel lucky she won't really remember any of it. Your little one will even less so. So try not to make yourself feel worse by worrying about that.

Similar situation with shielding parents. But if we see them then dp wants to see pil but they are working and went to the oub etc. We cant really do both. But then the kids are back at school maybe in sept and so if we dont see people now we wont be able to see them argh.
It's a real divide. I would love to be taking the kids to the park.
Also we managed to get ill even during lockdown so nervous of infecting others.

It is difficult. I find my scientist friends tend to be on the same page, very cautious, and willing to do things with strict social distancing but other people I know - who I normally respect and get on with well - not so much.

I find it very difficult when I ask people to social distance from us and they don't and have a bit of an 'oh well, what can you do' attitude about their children running up and touching mine. It's really not that difficult. My children manage it. And DD has been told by some of her friends that they 'don't believe in social distancing'. Well they should because the science is clear but they're obviously repeating what their parents think.

I completely understand some people will do their own risk assessments and end up at a different point - where they're willing to take more (or less) risk but I do think people should respect other people's wishes and not impose their own higher risk actions on others.

I have no problem with people who want to going out to eat, to theme parks etc, it's up to them. But it's not up to other people to decide for me.

I've started being extremely direct with people. Maybe I'll lose friends but so be it, if they can't stick to clear boundaries then maybe the friendship isn't a good one.

I've been worrying about this too, because as people go on the 'brave' group get harder and harder for the 'cautious' group to see as the braves are more likely to be spreading it, and the numbers will rise.

I'm resigned to basically waiting til April to see what's happened with certain friends!

I have also made closer contact with some other people who I was less friendly with before, so am wondering how that will go too.

Why can't you meet outdoors with your friends for a walk and socially distance? Just tell them that's what makes you feel comfortable. I've seen 5 of my friends so far and I've seen most of my family now. Always socially distancing, washing hands, wearing masks if inside (mainly been outside though) and it's fine.

@pleasecaffeinateme Some people just won't respect it IME

Thanks for all the responses. I have seen a few outside and they've been really good actually :) it's more this particular group, which is a shame. The issue is we all live far enough away that normally we all do trains and stay with each other. I really dont feel comfortable with that currently and not driving, so takes a bit more work anyway.

I do sometimes wonder if I'm being mad, but others with shielding family and my scientist friends are also similar (maybe still going to restaurants and shops, but still distancing from most people).

I suppose I was sort of waiting it out a bit. I knew there wasn't much hope before Christmas, but to think how much longer...

I also agree with the narrative about how it might be good to do some things now before it gets really bad again. Trying to work that out I guess!

my scientist friends are also similar this is a factor for me, I work in field with contacts in relevant science - and whenever I think I may be being over cautious, I talk to them and it makes it clear that they are concerned and cautious too

Most people are going to have to go back to work eventually...I mean I’m WFH but if my employer tells me to go back and I refuse, I would expect to me dismissed somewhere along the line.

@FluffyKittensinabasket

Most people are going to have to go back to work eventually...I mean I’m WFH but if my employer tells me to go back and I refuse, I would expect to me dismissed somewhere along the line.

I don't understand the relevance?

It is socialising without distancing that is the issue?

I can understand those who have to go out to work not being prepared to add additional risk from social events without SD

It depends how vulnerable you & your family are - and age is the absolute dominant factor there:

Under 40, no genuinely serious conditions in the family, no close contact with the elderly ..... your risk is tiny, especially outdoors

50s / elderly parents doing childcare ..... reason to be cautious

labyrinthloafer - the OP has stated:

“We have our shopping deliveries and get the odd takeaway to support local business (heating up in oven and throwing away all bags, washing hands etc). No plans to go shopping, restaurants etc although feel quite deflated. No travel anywhere (used to be a big part of out lives).“

Going to work in an office for example is surely as risky as going shopping or eating out?

There is a poster on here who has been shielding but is going back to work in a supermarket. How is that less risky than seeing family and friends?

I respect the rights of people to not see family and friends. We all have choices. That’s not something I would ever choose to do but if people want to stay at home I’m not going to lambast them for it.

@FluffyKittensinabasket Not at my work, as it is a small group with strict rules and lots of respect.

But also, the higher the risk as work, the more sense to lower other risks tbh.

I think pubs are really rather high risk.

@FluffyKittensinabasket yes that is very risky. Just because one thing is risky doesnt mean we should all go "oh go on then! Let's do ALL the risky things" as then we'll almost definitely get it

Plus surely the shielder will be distancing as much as possible? Not hugging all their friends for Instagram posts?

If the virus is airborne, surely any indoor setting is risky?

I feel very sorry for those who have little choice. But that is paying their wage. My family and I are trying to be as careful as possible. Being very close and risky with people who have been constantly close to others and risky seems stupid at best.