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Covid

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Original poster

Are some of us just going to lose friends?

97 replies

Lelophants · 03/08/2020 18:58

I'm not sure what this post is about really, perhaps more of a reflection on what has changed and is continuing to change. And how different we all are. Does anyone feel in a similar position to me?

Lockdown was hard, but we were pretty much in it together (I felt). Things have eased and understandably. Understandably due to government seriously needing the taxes, not due to high safety. Again I get that. People starting to hug everyone and do nothing at a distant I find harder, but I can see why they'd want to. Everyone is trying to find a new normal. And I suppose enjoy themselves before another lockdown or something similar.

Myself, dh, baby and neighbouring inlaws are all being extremely careful. We have our shopping deliveries and get the odd takeaway to support local business (heating up in oven and throwing away all bags, washing hands etc). No plans to go shopping, restaurants etc although feel quite deflated. No travel anywhere (used to be a big part of out lives).

I'm in my 30s and I feel like friends tend to flock to one of two camps - those who are similar (often with children and busy anyway) and are very cautious and those who are basically back to normal. I haven't seen so many of my friends for ages, but there are a few who are in the second camp. They are doing everything and really dont care. Even if I wasn't worried for myself I spend a lot of time with vulnerable in laws, so it's just not fair for me to be at risk. They're all asking at meeting up again and I dont know how long I can make excuses for.

If there is really no vaccinne until 2023/24 , I'm really wondering how these friendships can continue.

It's like the brexit/remain debate but feels even harder in some ways. It's like a slow burn of difference pthan just keeps going.

I am also wondering for myself, what is my new normal? Having a baby has put me in a bit of a bubble anyway.

OP posts:

tempnamechange98765 · 04/08/2020 12:31

Yes it'a difficult. I think you need to just do what you feel comfortable with, and prioritise what's important to you, everyone will have different levels of what that is.

Like a pp I'm in Wales too where the restrictions have been lifted more slowly, I am doing what is allowed but also avoiding things I don't think are necessary eg I've got no desire to go and browse clothes shops, but that's because I'm happy to shop online. For some people the browsing is part of the experience and important to them. My DF is possibly vulnerable and as we are seeing them sporadically (mainly outside but also inside on a less frequent level) so I'm measuring my caution based on that. If I wasn't in contact with anyone vulnerable I might be more gung Ho and that's understandable.

Your friends should respect your wishes, though, and there does need to be a middle ground. I am also in the camp of thinking we should make the most of the lower numbers and weather while we can, so have had plenty of outdoor meet ups.

Blueberryham · 04/08/2020 12:38

That’s interesting choccie. I do sometimes wonder if homeschool would be better and less disruptive. As it may be stressful for the kids if the rules chop and change and we go back in to lockdown. If I could choose I think my personal preference would be one day a week outdoor school -see friends, mental wellness day and the rest of the week at home learning. But obviously that is my ideal world and wouldn’t suit many others.

morethanmeetstheeye · 09/08/2020 19:53

Unfortunately I think you're right, OP. I'm definitely losing friends due to this and it's not nice at all.

All my friends have apparently gone back to meeting up, doing the gym, living a normal life with practically zero distancing and I'm at the other end where we've been shielding, reading the non-governmental scientific reports and being careful.

As a result I've been excluded from quite a few nights out (where I could have gone and just kept my distance as they were in people's gardens) and a really big party where they were all there (and I never even got asked - it was actually hidden from me).

So. Yes. It's really really shit.

SengaStrawberry · 09/08/2020 20:26

We are all sticking to the rules and although it’s not back to “normal” it is still possible to have a nice time that doesn’t involve staying cooped up in your house. I really think the government have done far too good a job of frightening the shite out of people so that they are too scared to even do things that won’t really present much if any risk.

I’m still SD which suits me quite well as I’m an anti social git who doesn’t like people in my space and abiding by all the rules but you can still have a bit of freedom if you do that. We met my H’s sisters and her family at the beach a few weeks ago, they all sat in a semi circle huddled together and I just set us up 2m away and it was all nice. When they asked us to move closer I just said no and that I was sticking to 2m. We all still had a lovely day much better than staying stuck in. My parents are vulnerable too so I get it but I am doing things within the rules rather than not doing them at all.

Do you really want to live this way indefinitely?

SengaStrawberry · 09/08/2020 20:27

That’s awful @morethanmeetstheeye x your friends are horrible

morethanmeetstheeye · 09/08/2020 20:32

@SengaStrawberry
Yep. They are and I'm finding that very hard to reconcile on my alongside my concept of them being nice and my friends...
What hurts more than anything is that I spoke to one of them a few hours before their thing and she actively went out of the way to avoid talking about her weekend. I gave her so many chances to say something but she didn't (I kind of thought my invitation had been forgotten as I was the only one out of a really large group that, as it turns out, didn't go).

Maybe it's one of those times where people show their true colours...

stayathomer · 09/08/2020 20:36

I think the thing that I made a weird conscious decision on was WHO I'd hug in the future, and I thought family and close friends, but the days of a hug for a kinda friend/more acquaintance is gone. (Haven't hugged anyone yet except my mum some weeks ago, she kinda grabbed me, I was so sad afterwards about all of this)

SengaStrawberry · 09/08/2020 20:44

That’s so shit @morethanmeetstheeye what difference would it have made to the gathering if you’d sat 2m away?

PatriciaPerch · 09/08/2020 20:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PatriciaPerch · 09/08/2020 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

morethanmeetstheeye · 09/08/2020 20:56

@SengaStrawberry None! And it would have resulted in me not feeling so awful. It's making me question whether I'm a horrible person. Don't think I am...! I can see this sort of thing happening more and more to people :(

Ragwort · 09/08/2020 21:01

I just respect other people's choices, I am very relaxed about the whole situation, even though I am over 60 & my parents are nearly 90 - they are very relaxed about it too. I have been volunteering with (very) vulnerable people throughout 'lockdown', I have been meeting my parents regularly, I am now back at work - retail, lots of direct contact with the public and happy to meet up with friends and family who want to - but I have other friends who don't want to meet yet and that's fine, I'm not pushing it and don't feel that I will "lose" any friendships over it.

SengaStrawberry · 09/08/2020 21:04

I’ve only hugged my household since March. Suits me bloody fine! Nothing to do with being a coronaphobe and everything to do with hating being hugged/pawed by all and sundry!

SengaStrawberry · 09/08/2020 21:05

[quote morethanmeetstheeye]@SengaStrawberry None! And it would have resulted in me not feeling so awful. It's making me question whether I'm a horrible person. Don't think I am...! I can see this sort of thing happening more and more to people :([/quote]
That’s a shame, I’m sure you’re not horrible at all, they sound thoughtless

Ragwort · 10/08/2020 06:45

In my experience there seems to be something of a link between those who are in secure employment and able to work from home and those who just have to go out to work ... I have a very dear friend who is being super cautious but she is retired, her DH can WFH (on full pay) and they are very financially comfortable... adult DC in equally secure jobs. To me, the full out from the economy is such a huge issue.

Figmentofmyimagination · 10/08/2020 07:50

My biggest divide is with people who go around saying ‘omg I can’t believe how much money I’m saving’.

Serious lack of empathy there.

If one of your friends announced that they were ‘coining it’ through not spending etc and can’t believe how much extra money they have, in normal circumstances you would think they were crass and unpleasant.

Ragwort · 10/08/2020 07:53

Absolutely agree Fig it is such a horribly insensitive remark to make when so many people are losing their jobs.

thewalrus · 10/08/2020 08:37

It's all very difficult. We are in the second camp of people you describe - I suppose consciously choosing to live with what is currently a very small risk in our area at the moment and prioritising something approaching normality for our kids - fully expecting to have to rein that in as/if cases increase again in the autumn. But for my part, I fully respect that everyone has different views/different 'red lines' (to use a Brexit phrase) and wouldn't dream of putting any pressure on/losing friends over it. We're all doing what we think is best in difficult circumstances.

Teenage DD is having a birthday get-together with her two best friends this week. One of them is being much more careful than we are. DD was pretty clear she wouldn't do it yet if the friend couldn't come, so I had a chat with friend's mum. She is coming and they are avoiding seeing their vulnerable family member (who is the main reason for their caution) for a while afterwards. DD and I are very grateful that they have felt able to do this (and friend is very excited), but I would have totally understood if they hadn't felt able to. We're all trying...

Immigrantsong · 10/08/2020 08:41

Some of us don't have any friends to lose in the first place.

XiCi · 10/08/2020 09:18

Just a thought morethanmeetstheeye but if they know you are shielding they may not have told you because they know you cant come and think it would make you feel bad to know you are missing out. If they have previously been good friends I would ask them and let them know what social situations you are able to attend. I'm sure it's not because you are a 'horrible person'

morethanmeetstheeye · 10/08/2020 12:31

@Immigrantsong That sucks. I've been there too and it's not a nice place to be :( Once this has got back to some kind of normality, are there places you could go to where you could potentially get chatting to people? I found the library worked well for that when I had young children and now it's more school gates.

morethanmeetstheeye · 10/08/2020 12:32

@XiCi

You'd think so... but I'm not so sure. They plastered it all over FB and a couple of other things happened (too outing to say as they're very specific) that made it crystal clear that they didn't care/had no intention of inviting me. Lovely, eh...

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