Are some of us just going to lose friends?

[Lelophants]

I'm not sure what this post is about really, perhaps more of a reflection on what has changed and is continuing to change. And how different we all are. Does anyone feel in a similar position to me?

Lockdown was hard, but we were pretty much in it together (I felt). Things have eased and understandably. Understandably due to government seriously needing the taxes, not due to high safety. Again I get that. People starting to hug everyone and do nothing at a distant I find harder, but I can see why they'd want to. Everyone is trying to find a new normal. And I suppose enjoy themselves before another lockdown or something similar.

Myself, dh, baby and neighbouring inlaws are all being extremely careful. We have our shopping deliveries and get the odd takeaway to support local business (heating up in oven and throwing away all bags, washing hands etc). No plans to go shopping, restaurants etc although feel quite deflated. No travel anywhere (used to be a big part of out lives).

I'm in my 30s and I feel like friends tend to flock to one of two camps - those who are similar (often with children and busy anyway) and are very cautious and those who are basically back to normal. I haven't seen so many of my friends for ages, but there are a few who are in the second camp. They are doing everything and really dont care. Even if I wasn't worried for myself I spend a lot of time with vulnerable in laws, so it's just not fair for me to be at risk. They're all asking at meeting up again and I dont know how long I can make excuses for.

If there is really no vaccinne until 2023/24 , I'm really wondering how these friendships can continue.

It's like the brexit/remain debate but feels even harder in some ways. It's like a slow burn of difference pthan just keeps going.

I am also wondering for myself, what is my new normal? Having a baby has put me in a bit of a bubble anyway.

I would say that any friend who is so intolerant as not to be able to cope with the idea that different people have different appetites for risk - and different personal circumstances - is not a friend I would want to keep.

Surely the essence of friendship is that 'give and take', an understanding of difference and a willingness to work with it? Or are there some people who believe that friends must be clones, with identical viewpoints and outlooks on everything to themselves? How very boring...and rude.

I would hope you wouldn’t lose good, solid friendships from this.

I am mindful of which friends feel particularly anxious or want to stick very closely to the guidelines. I always check with friends first if they are eg happy to hug. I have found that a hug from a very close friend has sometimes made my day / week during lockdown.

@WouldBeGood

I don’t mind if someone is a coronaphobe, I just don’t want to be friends with them just now. And probably vice versa.

Is that because it is embarrassing and uncomfortable to be with people who might remind you of what the guidelines are and the fact that you are not following them?

Also, I think some people just don't want to be faffed with socialising a lot at the moment. There's the divide mentioned on this thread. General anxiety over the situation and future. People might feel out of practice talking to new people after lockdown, or just want their own space more while things are so weird. It's nobody's fault.

@cantkeepawayforever I am following the rules.

It’s not following the rules to be refusing to go out, and washing down shopping.

@WouldBeGood

It’s not following the rules to be refusing to go out, and washing down shopping.

I would absolutely agree!

I just think that people mean very different things by the term 'cononaphobe'. Ifonly50 seemed to imply that she / he deemed a coronaphobe to be anyone who was reluctant to hug him / her - which I would regard as a very different test to a coronaphobe being someone who was still operating practices stricter even than those mandated during full lockdown (though even the latter wouldn't necessarily show that someone was a coronaphobe, if they were genuinely exceptionally vulnerable - personal context matters hugely)

I really feel for you OP. We're definitely on the cautious end of the range of reactions from friends - I've not been shopping yet, but go out on regular walks and have chatted in the street at a distance.

But I feel like I've lost one group of friends, who were quite early to get back to meeting up. I wasn't very close with them, but I realised when they suggested meeting - and this sounds really bad I know - but that I didn't trust them. They just seemed too blase about it, weren't taking any interest in the news and what was going on and where.

I was really anxious that they'd get too close, or try to hug, and there's part of me that desperately wants that normality too, but we have very vulnerable older family members, and I also don't want any of us to get ill.

So they might have drifted off, but then the really close friends who are more bothered than them but less anxious than me, have been really understanding so far. They've not pushed me to meet up, but we're in close touch, and that makes me feel far better. Talking with them then makes me feel less worried, because they're less worried but not trying to make me feel guilty about being slightly more worried.

So yes, I think I've lost some friends, but perhaps got even more respect for the ones that I do still have through this. Everyone has different reactions. My way of coping through this is to try to read reputable facts and to be extra cautious. Other people's is to decide the risk is low for them, and so crack on. I get why some people block it out entirely.

But at the moment, I think you need people around who at least respect your decisions. You don't have to have the same views. And I guess it is difficult times like this that make you realise how much you do have in common with friends!

[Not sure what a 'cononaphobe' is...someone who is afraid of traffic cones?? Anyway, I hope you got what I meant despite the typo!]

Lifeafter50

Not everyone is lucky enough to be as carefree as you some have health concerns etc.

I understand everyone’s different views and risk assessments including those more and less careful than me

You’re rather uncaring

Thanks for posting OP. I have a 6 month old, he was 2 months at lockdown. I'm in the middle ground, I guess. I was at the park with my husband and baby, watching kids in the playground and thinking - what if we never go back to normal? What if I tell my son, as an adult, about how things 'used to be - gigs, hugs, sleepovers' etc and it is impossible for him to imagine, in the way it is for teens now to imagine a world without the internet. And i felt pretty sad about that.

The thing is, we all have our own experience and situation. I'm lucky that we have been able to stay close to home, baby is kind of a form of lockdown anyway. I dont go to the local shops in the Brighton Laines, or for dinner at friends still. I have given a few outside hugs, but we are generally in the flow of a new, simpler life and mostly, it is ok. We are about to fly out at end of the month to our home in another geography and I am scared about the flight, but I know that we need to get away ( house being renovated, need a change) and that the country we are going to has a much better system than the UK for managing the pandemic, so I think the risks balance out.

But imagine if I lived on my own? Could I handle never being touched again? Never having company close by - a cup of tea, a dance at a festival etc? If I were in my teens, I might be desperate for time with people my own age. So I think it really depends. We are very fortunate to have a spacious home and work that can continue indefinitely online or at home ( I have worked virtually for 20 years so that isn't any different for me now). I think the Government's confusing U turns and edicts don't help with clarity or confidence. It will be interesting to see how my friends are coping in our Italian home town and compare it to here. Like some PP, both our locations are low level of infection currently, but i would never go down to Brighton beach at the moment, so there are parts of our regular life that have been severed in a way that I do feel nostalgic for.

Gosh, using the term 'coronaphobe' is just embarrassing!

Why would not wanting to hang around with ‘coronophobes’ mean you aren’t following guidelines & rules?

I’m doing both - though I cheated once when I once saw both parents in the garden at a time when we were still only allowed to see one (guideline not rule I believe). I distance, mask when required, wash hands, haven’t hugged anyone, too busy to socialise but I wouldn’t be going indoors etc ... but I still don’t want to be around ppl who think they have a moral high ground for following their own set of rules and then exist in a state of rage & disappointment that they can’t make everyone behave Just As They Want. Just like I tend to avoid ppl who are overbearingly religious!

Nope - life is too short, I do agree that lots of friendships won’t survive this.

Your difficulty is because you are not being honest. I have friends who have differing levels of comfort as to what they will and wont do.

And I respect all of them and adapt accordingly to their wishes around what I am and am not comfortable with.

Stop making excuses and explain your reasons - if they are your friends they will understand

Hi @Lelophants I'm interested to know where the info is that there'll be no vaccine until 2023/4. Not being goady, just wondering.

labrynthloafer
Feel free to use it anytime!

I’m sure the acquaintances of @lifeafter50 will be devastated at the loss of someone so empathetic and compassionate.

I was shielding, which ended on Friday and ventured into a shop at the weekend and I’m getting my hair cut today so I’m hardly a “coronaphobe” but I won’t be hugging and kissing my friends, thanks. I can still express friendship and kindness without a hug.

I dunno OP.
I had some moan at me the other day that I had ‘gone back to normal’ and I had to take her to task!
My industry is still shut down which has put huge pressure on my business.
My DH is still working from home.
My children still do not know if they’re going back to uni in the Autumn.
My foster children still do not know if they can go back to school.

So excuse me but going for a few meals out and drinks with a few friends is NOT going back to normal and all completely within the guidelines.

Hi @LizzieMacQueen it's not officially been said (I am also hoping much earlier!) but who reports and general consensus on how long a vaccine normally takes.

Also this was posted yesterday:

www.scientificamerican.com/article/bad-news-about-the-pandemic-were-not-getting-back-to-normal-any-time-soon/

I am being honest with my friends. It's just difficult because they keep thinking things may have changed. If you look at what's going on around the world, it really hasn't.

I agree @HelloMissus unless you're doing it all in a non distanced way I suppose.

Peak around Christmas could be double the height of the peak at Easter if track and trace not improved. :( I do worry a lot of my friends dont realise the long term impact on them. Hopefully they are lucky.

@MummaPI

labrynthloafer Feel free to use it anytime!

I think the chance of me uttering 'coronaphobe' in the real world is zero, people saying that are dipshits.

Which person with more than two brain cells isn't a coronaphobe, who is pro-coronavirus?

Someone up thread mentioned their friends who have scientific background seem to be more cautious. This is the same here. My friends I have made through the school and dc seem to be less cautious. And I feel like I am being silly insisting on only outdoor meet ups. Then I speak to old colleagues and university friends (scientific background) and they are all more cautious and sticking to low risk activities. Maybe it’s our more cautious nature.

@Blueberryham

Someone up thread mentioned their friends who have scientific background seem to be more cautious. This is the same here. My friends I have made through the school and dc seem to be less cautious. And I feel like I am being silly insisting on only outdoor meet ups. Then I speak to old colleagues and university friends (scientific background) and they are all more cautious and sticking to low risk activities. Maybe it’s our more cautious nature.

This is my experience too. A virologist friend of mine will be homeschooling his children. He worked on the Ebola virus too and told me this scared him more than Ebola ever did. DH is a scientist. Zero issues around working safely etc. All his science de colleagues fully informed and on the same page. This seems to include other organisations he works with too.