fucksake now all DD15's friendship group has arranged to meet up!!

[fuckinghellthisshit]

I have of course told DD she cannot go.

All of them (5girls 3 boys) are saying their parents say it is fine as long as they don't hug. I am really annoyed, why do people have to make everything harder.

Fucksake.

The point isn't really what teenagers will do behind parent's backs...
it's about when parents are aware and don't/won't intervene.

You teach them to try and make the right choices in your absence, accepting they will almost certainly make some wrong ones in your absence.
But do you let them make the wrong ones knowingly? If it's not dangerous, then yes, you may well do with - for the purposes of letting them understand the consequences.
When it puts lives at risk? No, you step it... because that's what responsible parents have to do.

*step in

My reasoning with a teenager on this would be ok fine go, but just remember you could catch the virus and pass it on to me which could kill me. If it’s important for you then go. See how quickly they take their shoes off then.

If you want teenagers and young people to comply with guidance aimed at protecting older people and vulnerable groups, to undergo significant disruption to their lives to avoid an illness that seems to pose little threat to most of them, you are probably best off acknowledging the disruption and what they are giving up rather than screeching about how they haven't suffered anything at all and should just be grateful they are not rotting on the streets of a third world country. Repeatedly telling these groups that they have nothing to complain about and the things that are upsetting them are unimportant and then also demanding they continue to have a shadow of a life to protect others seems a really poor long term strategy

Hear bloody hear. In my area teens are being demonised.

I’m not for one minute suggesting teens have it harder than any other group. It’s difficult for everyone in different ways. I am sick of my teens’ worries being dismissed as unimportant.

My 18 year old is supposed to be taking her A levels right now. The unconditional offer she got for her favourite uni before all this kicked off is on hold as the unis have been told to put a pause on unconditional offers. She is understandably worried about it.

My 15 year old is struggling massively with anxiety, some days she can’t leave her room without a massive panic attack and all her support networks and the counselling she was receiving are closed right now. We can’t even get telephone or online support for her

I am utterly sick of reading that their worries are unimportant, they should stop complaining and put up and shut up.

All the while people are posting shaming photos on FB of teens out walking their dog

I have 3 teen boys, 13,16 and 19. The 13 and 19 yr old have been very understanding and compliant, especially the 19yr old who was disappointed he couldn't see friends for his birthday but accepted it.

The 16 yr old though...

In my experience 15/16/17 is the sweet spot of teen rebellion, thrill seeking and general lack of empathy (varies per child obvs).

To be fair he's done really well up until the last couple of weeks. All his mates are now calling him, they seem to be meeting up in the park or wherever they hangout. Yesterday he went out for 'a walk' and didn't come home for 5 hrs.

Like the OP I'm not sure what to do about it. I can reason with the other two but him not so much. He's in that teen mindset where transgressions and hassle from the old folk is totally worth the pay off. I know this because I remember being like that myself at his age!

I could go the usual route of removing privileges - phone/internet/xbox but that seems counter productive because the less he has to do at home the more he'll go out.

Neither is the answer to this stopping him ever leaving. He's not in a prison and I'm not prepared to get into a physical confrontation with a 16 yr old boy - anyone who thinks that would be a good idea probably hasn't spent much time with teen boys.

Short of having the army on the streets a total lockdown was never going to work for an extended period with all young people. If anything I'm surprised he managed 2 months following the rules before we reached this point.

The best tool for compliance was novelty and fear and that's wearing off for a lot of people, especially teens who are famed for a poor grasp of mortality (their own and others). We live semi rurally and are fortunate not to know anyone who is ill or has died. Our LA seems to have a low number of reported cases for a very large area.

I have no idea how to continue making it real for a self centred teenager who so far is lucky enough to not be experiencing death and illness in people he cares about or have it directly affect him.

I think you also have to take into account other family’s reasons for making a different choice to you.

Some families might have quite a hard time convincing their teenagers that they’d be putting their family at risk when one or more other people in the household are key workers. They are being told it’s safe for someone in the house to work in shops or schools and risk bringing the virus home, but it’s not safe for them to stand two meters away from a couple of their friends outside in the park. Teenagers aren’t stupid, it’s understandable that they would question some of these rules and try to minimise the impact on their lives.

Young people are really paying the price in this lockdown.

Vulnerable young people like my daughter are paying the additional price of now knowing that the people she thought her friends don't give a shit if she lives or dies. They have ignored safe distancing all along and are now pushing for their educational provider to abandon the safe provision they have been practising so far and bring them all back in an environment of physical work with heavy breathing in small classrooms, because they are bored at home.

This binary between young people otoh and vulnerable people otoh only works if you edit vulnerable young people out altogether, pretend they don't exist. They don't matter because they have an underlying condition.

My daughter is not on her deathbed. It is not the case that it makes no difference if you try to organise things so she can be safe and take part. It makes exactly the same difference as anything that might threaten the life of one of her healthy mates.

Anyone under 40 is going to suffer badly with regards to jobs for years to come. No one is saying teenagers arent suffering mentally thr same as everyone else but they do have snapchat and facetime and internet nowadays. Its not going to affect their personality development ffs. They arent being kept in solitary confinement. When i was 16 i got swine flu during the swine flu pandemic and was bedbound for 10 weeks. I saw no one not even family had no conversation at all and was lucky to escape with my life. This virus is different in that teens are unlikely to get sick but are likely to pass it on to others and they are old enough to understand that.

Op you are totally correct. Its shit but one day your kid will understand why you didnt allow it.

demanding they continue to have a shadow of a life

I actually agreed with the rest of the post, bar this bit...
Over egging the pudding on that one (imo).

Everybody's struggling, in so many different ways. We can't start fighting amongst ourselves about who has it worse.
All we know is that generally speaking, the older we are. the more vulnerable we are (with caveats for those with other health issues).
But NOBODY is safe, and we can all be carriers.

The actions of everybody matter, and it matters that it's affecting everybody.

I don't think anybody's demanding that teenagers continue to have a 'shadow of a life'... I think they are just expecting that teenagers try and stay strong like the rest of us.

Oh and dd has MH problems. She has had to give up on counselling because of the pandemic. She also is in enormous pain from a twisted pelvis that she can't get seen (and which may leave her cripped longterm), and from a dying tooth that she can't get a dentist for.

Because vulnerable young people aren't immune from those things either. They just have the additional knowledge that they are likely to die if things are not managed so to keep them safe.

Yeah my massive 17 year old tried to rebel too. I told him that it's fine if he wants to put himself at risk but as owner of the house and head of the household I have to do what's right from my perspective since I have people relying on me to be alive and well. So if he wants to leave the house to take everything he'll need to last him until lockdown is over. No arguments since, funnily enough. Doesn't want to lose the comforts of home.

@Sylvari

My point is a bit of perspective is needed. It really isn’t that big a deal for most teenagers compared to what huge numbers of people deal with for their whole lives, and I d on but think there is any harm in pointing that out to them and giving them a bit of a reality check.

It’s a nightmare for me for many reasons that I won’t bore you with, but am cracking on and do the best I can. The long term implications to my business and likely mental health will be here for years to come. Nothing to be gained by whining about it