Anyone not actually miss seeing their parents ?!

[ishouldnotsayit]

Pre lockdown my parents visited once a week, they have done since I had my oldest DC who's coming up 4. I'm a SAHM and I've recently had a new baby. I just don't miss them visiting. It's actually so nice not to have the pressure of them coming around ! They just moan about everything from my basic biscuits to the layout of my house ( we bought what we could afford.) They are very critical and whilst I certainly appreciate parenting is damn hard they weren't good parents. I feel quite free because of not seeing them.

I send them a few snapshots pics of our day now. Although I'm finding I don't even want to ask about theirs. If I venture into "the how are you" territory it's all doom and gloom. They are fine, no at risk
medical issues and not actually even 70. My mum has always had a bit of a depressive air to her. She was always I have it worse if you ever mentioned a worry or concern to her when I was growing up.

I have occasionally video called my mum since lockdown ( which is painful because she can't seem to follow anything or answer when I call her. She's always making the lunch/ having/ lunch/ thinking about making dinner/ making dinner/ eating dinner / tidying up from Dinner ) So maybe she feels the same huh?! We live quite far away so maybe this will be the end of weekly visits ?

Anyone else not miss their wider families ?

DDIJ

Please buy yourself some lovely curtains. Please.

What, realistically, is your mother going to do?

@Connie222 why do they do it!! She does it to other family members too. When I was younger we went to visit (unannounced) my aunt (my mums SIL) who had just had a baby. When she didn't answer the door my mum started throwing stones at the bedroom window 😲 my aunt did actually come down and open the door, she didn't say anything but I could tell she was really pissed off.

Buy your choice of curtains. You can't let her control you like that.

I only ever see mine if hell freezes over anyway 😊

Tbh I don’t miss anyone. I’m actually loving there being no pressure to make plans, go out for dinner or brunch every weekend.
I feel bad because I know some of my friends are really struggling with the loneliness but I’m quite content being in our own bubble

My mum is perpetually busy too and is always ringing to check I am not sitting down being idle.
Mine does this and now wants to know what my children are doing as well and tells me jobs they should do in the garden, etc.

My parents have both died. Weirdly this makes me miss them more because lots of people while missing their parents will, all being well, be able to see them at the end of lockdown. I have an ok relationship with MIL and we would often go 6,8, maybe 12 weeks without seeing them, but now we're told we cant see them that makes me miss them more. We've seen them on zoom but it's pretty painful due to MIL hating any sort of tech and FIL refusing to wear his hearing aid!

I agree- I get claustrophobic with family politics 🙁

I normally only see my parents 2 or 3 times a year and it's always stressful. So I am very happy to have a good reason not to! Agree with others that I do feel bad/sad that I don't want to see them more. But then I realise that this is due to the way they are - I wouldn't even be in contact with them if they were just friends!

Same...my folks have really shown their true colours in the last 12 months and speaking to them is a chore. The way my mother goes on you’d think she was the only person having to lockdown. We have these forced family zoom chats and it’s all doom and gloom, telling us how other family members are fed up and we should feel sorry for them (eh hello - we all are?). It feels like playing happy families when the truth is before this my folks went weeks and months without getting in contact (I stopped contacting them as an experiment). Apparently they were ‘busy’ but my mother when not at work spends her time in front of the tv and has so friends so god knows what she was ‘busy’ with. With my mother it’s all for show, nothing else...that’s what these weekly check ins have become.

Pretty sure DD1 doesn't miss me. She never makes contact of her own free will and rarely answers emails (which I send maybe once a week) It's hurtful to say the least. I've just sent DGS (4 and 7) cards.

Some only miss them when they want them for something.

I feel really bad (and may get flamed about this but I'm going to be honest as it'll be quite cathartic) saying this but I'm enjoying the respite from my elderly mum. I'm an only child. She's been a good mum and I do love her but she's always been rather self absorbed and an attention seeker with a tendency to tears if doesn't get her own way or if people disagree with her. A different point of view to hers is viewed as being difficult or argumentative. I realised a long time ago that a lot of this stemmed from her childhood, she came from a very large family, (her mum used to get them muddled up and then tell them that it didn't matter that she didn't always know which one was which) lived in poverty ( no running water, loo, or heating in the house) in rural Ireland and the girls were made to work harder and given less food than the boys.

Nows she's elderly and widowed (and I strongly suspect in the first stages of cognitive decline) this behaviour has become very marked and exaggerated. She doesn't follow any medical advice about her various conditions which has caused numerous preventable issues that I've had to rescue her from/ sort out for her. She also loves a hospital appt so I suspect t this is a driver for her poor health comp,since as well. She is definitely taking the view that she's only a few years left to live so is going to live large, which in one respect is great but again, is doing more than she's capable of and I pick up the pieces. One example is a 5 mile sponsored walk, advised not to by many due to health issues, started it, 2 miles out had a 'funny turn' refused ambulance, I had to leave work to rescue her. There's been many of these kind of incidents not helped by her cadre of friends who are all seemed to have developed a culture of 'we're mad old ladies'. At the same time there is a sort of learned helplessness and we're up and down sorting little things out that she doesn't even make the effort to try. She's said twice now, that I'm her mum now and she knows she can rely on me for everything and I'll always put everything right.

These last weeks have been a break as I'm in 12 weeks isolation as also have some respiratory issues, we're an hours drive away. my husband goes up with food or a care package from us once a week. I phone her daily and she almost can't wait to get me off the phone to be back on the phone/iPad to all her friends/groups/church. That's another bonus, she's actually taught herself to use the iPad she wanted then never used and is now getting food delivered as well, she's doing the little things she would never have done before. My worry, if anything, is that she's getting lots of attention from neighbours, the church, friends and she's also had some community groups/charities in touch who've also sent additional food, care packages as she's on the very vulnerable groups and the church and gp have given them her name ( with permission) and she'll really miss all this attention and feeling special once were back to a more normal life.

Maybe for some @arnoldthecat, but I think most of the responders here have experienced painful ‘relationships’ with the parents as far back as childhood.

I won’t speak for the others but I for one don’t ask my parents for anything, I’ve been let down and neglected too many times.
They could have helped but my pride doesn’t allow me to ask for anything.
Ive learnt that I don’t need them to be honest.

Not even a glass of water.

I'm the same. I'm dreading one of them dying so that I'd have to have increased contact with the other. Sounds cold but I have my reasons.

Am currently working my way through 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents'. You can get it free as a PDF. Normally self help books don't resonate with me but this one really has. Also good is 'If You Had Controlling Parents' by Dan Neuarth.

For those who want to, check out the stately homes thread in Relationships. Lots of people are feeling the same as many of us on this thread on there.

I’m geographically close to mine (both 86) and we get on ok superficially, but we’re not emotionally close. I have a great deal of resentment about my childhood and I do not respect them much (bullying, woe-is-me mother, feeble but opinionated father) but I’ve set it all aside to give them basic support. They used to want to go for regular coffees and lunches etc so this lockdown has been a reprieve.

I’m missing my boyfriend and all my mates hugely.

Some only miss them when they want them for something.
And some people can't comprehend that not everyone has a positive relationship with their parent(s) and don't ask for anything but still get unsolicited advice.

So for all the others who don't miss their negative parents why do we often feel obliged to check to text or phone them? They just bring me down.

In my case, they have no one else to do their shopping, lawn mowing and prescription collections currently.

Also, they’ve been genuinely excellent grandparents.

@ishouldnotsayit it’s the
Fear
Obligation
Guilt.

Common with toxic parents.

It takes a lot of time to clear the FOG, but in the meantime if it’s stressful, keeping calls short can help.

I used to say that the door was knocking, someone else was calling or call just before her favourite shows started so she would want to go. Then be asleep when she called back later.

Have you read the stately homes thread?

Some only miss them when they want them for something.

Er no - I'd never dare ask my parents for anything. Because (i) they probably wouldn't do it anyway and (ii) on the off chance that they did, I'd be expected to be grateful for the next 10 years.

The fact you've made that comment shows you entirely misunderstand the relationships that most posters on here have.

I also think lockdown is highlighting how dysfunctional things are at their home. My adult DB lives with them and he has a range of mental health issues and drinks too much. TBF he has stepped up to care for them and does their shopping etc. They're not really a happy family unit though and its starting to show.

The sad thing is DM has a range of health problems that she is ignoring, and it puts pressure on DF and DB. I have paid for cleaners, sorted carers, all of which she has refused. The pretence of 'happy families' is, at times, unbearable!

I feel awful but I don't miss them at all. The worst thing is they are good people and our relationship is fine but still...I find it less stressful not having to see them.