DH’s friend needs social interaction. MH. What to do?

[QueenofmyPrinces]

My husband has a very good friend who has been depressed for many years. He won’t see his GP because he thinks it’s a weakness, but he’s such a worry to us all.

He has in numerous occasions spoke about ending his life. His brother committed suicide 7 years ago and he has never really gotten over it.

He has a sister but they are estranged. His parents live in Europe and have no idea how fragile he is.

He is not married and does not have any children. Nor does he have a partner.

My DH, and other friends, do all they can to try and help, they phone him regularly, visit when they can, include him on outings and holidays etc. They are worried about him and tend to keep a close eye on him.

When the lockdown came into force we were all very worried about how the friend would cope because the thought of him being shut away from everyone left us uneasy.

Anyway, my DH called his friend yesterday who was very down, says he can’t cope with being on his own 24/7 with just his thoughts and my DH is worried his friend is going to try and harm himself.

At the end of the phone conversation the friend asked my DH if he could come over next weekend. He said that by then he will have been self isolating for long enough to know he’s clear of the virus (his words) because he doesn’t know how much longer he can go on for without seeing somebody.

My husband is anxious about this but what do we do? Can we really turn away his potentially suicidal friend?

The effects of this lockdown on people with MH issues must be so, so hard.

I have told DH that if he lets his friend come over then they are to stay in the garden, be completely away from each other (ends of our garden are about 12ft apart) and that me and the children won’t be joining them.

I feel very conflicted about it, as does DH but we feel like we have no other option.

If his friend was to harm himself then we would forever have it on our conscience.

Any suggestions?

Do not have him over as you could get in trouble. Someone vulnerable/ needing care should be visited.

The risk to his life from suicide is currently far higher than the risk to his life from coronavirus. We've got to apply some common sense in these situations; I would certainly be having him over for a cup of tea in the garden, sat 2m away.

Sorry but actions, however if the worst should happen and you’ve not supported him will you be “able to live with that” is emotional blackmail. And please remember this family have offered loads of support over the years and the friend’s health has not reached long term stability. They really aren’t responsible for it.

Look up the drama triangle and how actions can keep people in roles that actually mean the proper treatment is not sought. Maintain your boundaries - which at the moment are that we are in a lockdown and can’t have this contact, continue the support you’ve been giving in terms of checking in with a good and dear friend. But the support is to ‘support him to get support’ now. So make sure he has the crisis numbers - text service is now provided by SHOUT. And keep encouraging a GP appointment.

I’ve just read your update about the children. Definitely don’t let him come to yours, it may upset your children, if they see him will they want to go outside to him?

Send DH over to him.

I like the idea of a virtual meal together too, could you get your DH to suggest it to him with a time?

Is he taking daily exercise himself? Having had depression a few times, it’s very hard to exercise but it really can help.

The risk to his life from suicide is currently far higher than the risk to his life from coronavirus

You don’t know this. It’s really important to not make statements about suicide unless you know them to be true.

Tell them about Mind which has Elefriends / side by side online support, it is very good.

I’ve had suicidal attempts,I’ve been depressed for years
But I’ve not manipulated people in to doing what I want them to ,by claiming it’s my mental health.
This man has to follow the guidelines the same as everyone else
You and your dh could zoom him every night for a chat ,or Skype.
Why is he insisting on putting you all at risk .
It won’t be only once either
Once he’s been and said how much better he feels and how much the visit helped him ,how can you say no a second time ? And then every weekend
And then 2 households mixing
Who knows how many other friends he is doing this with .

Statements about suicide risk factors: he meets the following; male, unmarried, lives alone, family history of suicide, active mental disorder, estranged from/distance from family. He is now under lockdown also socially isolated.

I think if he expects your family to take risks to protect his mental health, then you have to ask him to take some responsibility himself too. If he comes, he has to make a phone appointment with the GP this week.

Agee NewYear and he needs medication and or counselling. If he is actively suicidal then he may need hospitalisation and the friends who have posted here should contact 111 or emergency services. That he has loving friends who care for him will be immensely important but it won’t treat his depression.

The risk to his life from suicide is currently far higher than the risk to his life from coronavirus.

This has been repeatedly said on this thread but it is only looking at half the equation. What about the risk of him spreading the illness? Even if he completely self-isolates, what about the risk to the health care professionals looking after him if he happens to get very sick? What about the general mental health risk of a longer lockdown because the rate of spread is more decreasing?

Also, from a mh perspective I would question how seeing your dh’s busy happy family will make him feel when he has to go back to quarantining alone afterwards. If you think there is a risk he might self-harm then he needs professional help.

Your h can go over to his and have a chat from a safe distance in the garden. No to his coming over. It will upset your children. He could potentially contract the virus from you or your H. He'll want food/drink/the loo. It's not on. You are not a carer. He'll still be going to the shops and what not.

What a terribly difficult situation for you all

I think that whatever you decide to do, it sets a precedent, so bear that in mind.

There are so many online offerings for mental health, now more than ever - have a look and send him a list of resources.

I think if it were me I'd see him, but in a controlled way - on the doorstep, or sit in the garden 12ft apart. Take a couple of cans of pop and crisps so it can be like theyre in the pub, if that's what they used to do.

Organise a rota of friends to ring him each day. Make them video calls (messenger and WhatsApp both have video options) if possible, and once a week have a social drinks party on zoom or messenger (up to 8 people in a messenger video call) with you (them) all together.

And get DH to have a sit down proper conversation about the GP. If his brother suffered with depression too it's likely a chemical imbalance genetic problem, not a weakness at all. Just like some people don't make enough insulin and need to take extra, some people don't make enough serotonin and need to take extra. He really does need encouragement to a) not see it as a weakness, but as a health problem more like a physical condition, and b) be challenged a little on why, even if it was a weakness, would that mean that he shouldn't ask for help? Getting help is exactly what he probably wishes his brother did instead of suicide, right? Would he seriously rather his parents have to deal with two dead sons than go to see a doctor? Probably not, when it comes down to it.

Best of luck

Yes he is vulnerable