Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Covid

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DH’s friend needs social interaction. MH. What to do?

89 replies

QueenofmyPrinces · 05/04/2020 07:59

My husband has a very good friend who has been depressed for many years. He won’t see his GP because he thinks it’s a weakness, but he’s such a worry to us all.

He has in numerous occasions spoke about ending his life. His brother committed suicide 7 years ago and he has never really gotten over it.

He has a sister but they are estranged. His parents live in Europe and have no idea how fragile he is.

He is not married and does not have any children. Nor does he have a partner.

My DH, and other friends, do all they can to try and help, they phone him regularly, visit when they can, include him on outings and holidays etc. They are worried about him and tend to keep a close eye on him.

When the lockdown came into force we were all very worried about how the friend would cope because the thought of him being shut away from everyone left us uneasy.

Anyway, my DH called his friend yesterday who was very down, says he can’t cope with being on his own 24/7 with just his thoughts and my DH is worried his friend is going to try and harm himself.

At the end of the phone conversation the friend asked my DH if he could come over next weekend. He said that by then he will have been self isolating for long enough to know he’s clear of the virus (his words) because he doesn’t know how much longer he can go on for without seeing somebody.

My husband is anxious about this but what do we do? Can we really turn away his potentially suicidal friend?

The effects of this lockdown on people with MH issues must be so, so hard.

I feel very conflicted about it, as does DH but we feel like we have no other option.

If his friend was to harm himself then we would forever have it on our conscience.

Any suggestions?

OP posts:

ScottishBadger · 05/04/2020 08:02

Seriously???? No
Just no. Not your household. Do not mix. If needed alert one of the community organisations that do welfare checks and visits

underneaththeash · 05/04/2020 08:07

I think it is very hard on people who have mental health problems. An 18 year old near me has committed suicide recently. I think we need to be very careful that we aren't on lockdown for too long or significant more (and younger) people will start dying from economic or other physical or mental health issues.

No, sadly your husband's friend can't visit even as a one off. Could you put him on Zoom in the background in your house for bit everyday, so that he's getting a bit of interaction? We've been doing a lot of what's ap groups which also work well. I will hopefully only be a few weeks more.

Original poster

QueenofmyPrinces · 05/04/2020 08:10

Seriously???? No

This is what I so desperately want to say to my DH.

I appreciate that online it makes just written words that people are reading buy this is DH’s friend, a real life person who is struggling and at risk of attempting suicide.

How can I tell my DH to turn his back on him?

If it was the other way round and it was a really good friend of mine I think I would struggle to turn my back on her.

OP posts:

Sharkyfan · 05/04/2020 08:10

Will probably be going against the grain but if this man is at risk of suicide and a visit is going to help, then in the a absence any new rules being introduced I think I would let him come to the garden. Or for DH to go and drop something on the doorstep and chat from afar there. This man is a vulnerable person. Vulnerable to serious mental health crisis and potentially suicide. We need to use some common sense here people.

ChipsAreLife · 05/04/2020 08:13

I would think having a chat from a safe distance would be ok. If someone is suicidal I would suggest it's 'essential'

BlueMoon1103 · 05/04/2020 08:15

I would let him. Keep your distance and you won’t be at risk. Stay 2m apart. MH is just as important as physical health and his poor friend may literally be feeling suicidal a Zoom call or a visit from someone he doesn’t know for a welfare check will not cut it. The guidelines actually state you can go out to ‘take care of or assist a vulnerable person’ and I would consider this friend to be in that category! He is mentally vulnerable and if he were my friend and I genuinely thought he might hurt himself, I’d be round there faster than Usain Bolt! People with MH issues are really struggling right now (I’m one of them!) so I have a lot of empathy for anyone else in that position. Imagine being him and all his friends are effectively turning their backs on him? Yes there is CV but his MH issues won’t go away just because there’s a pandemic, he isn’t choosing to be depressed, if anything he needs you more than ever right now.

Let him come over, stay at opposite ends of the garden and you won’t catch anything even if he did have it. It’s better than the potential alternative.

NewYearNewJob123 · 05/04/2020 08:18

I'd do it. Not only CV lives matter, there are many, many people in DHs friends position and many will commit suicide, it's happening already. If I could prevent that, I would.

Quartz2208 · 05/04/2020 08:18

Yes I think this may be seen as essential and if it could avoid having services involved the better.

That’s the problem I have with this it turns life into very black and white situations where normally a lot are very grey

Wolfiefan · 05/04/2020 08:18

No.
He won’t see his GP because he thinks it’s a weakness? That’s bollocks. It’s a MH issue. Weakness is not facing up to it and getting professional help.
He’s trying to emotionally blackmail your DH instead of dealing with his problems.
You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves.
And I have suffered from depression. He’s being selfish.

treenu · 05/04/2020 08:19

Yes - shouldn't he be classed as a vulnerable person?

Surely there is a way that they could speak with a 2m distance.

HPandTheNeverEndingBedtime · 05/04/2020 08:19

If you are really good friends then do you have a spare room, shed or summerhouse you could put a bed in o a tent you could put up and have him come stay with you. This should fall into providing care for the vulnerable and merge the households. If he's been isolated for 2 weeks then you are no more likely to catch it from him than someone in the supermarket.

Idontkowmyname · 05/04/2020 08:19

I agree wholeheartedly with @ChipsAreLife
This mans life is in danger, if he’s been self isolating for 14 days he poses minimal risk to your dh but the risk to the friend is far greater. Ultimately, you are not responsible for his actions, however if the worst should happen and you’ve not supported him will you be “able to live with that”?

Spied · 05/04/2020 08:19

Horrible situation.
As good friends how did none of you manage to get some help for this poor guy before now?
I realise it's difficult if he won't see his gp but really.

ticking · 05/04/2020 08:21

I would make a cake or a meal and send your DH over with it - he can chat from a safe distance on the step....

I would be doing it regularly as it falls under "helping /caring for a vulnerable person"

My Mum and Dad are in isolation at the moment, and I still take things over, shop for them and "see them" from a distance of 3-4m for a quick chat through the front window when I do.

TheABC · 05/04/2020 08:22

What about a video call? Failing that, I have seen people exercising "together" on opposite sides of the road.

daisypond · 05/04/2020 08:24

Is it possible for them to meet in an open space and walk together two metres apart? If he is vulnerable you are allowed to provide help.

Original poster

QueenofmyPrinces · 05/04/2020 08:25

Horrible situation. As good friends how did none of you manage to get some help for this poor guy before now? I realise it's difficult if he won't see his gp but really

I’m open to all suggestions of how we get help for him when he doesn’t want it. (Asking seriously, not being goody).

My DH has spoken to his friend about the risks of him coming over, seeing as I’m still having to go out to work twice a week) but his friend was not put off by this. This was another reason why I said I would not be joining them in the garden.

I hadn’t thought of it in terms of him being classed as a vulnerable person and how guidelines allow you to care for people in that group. Thinking of it like that makes the idea of it sound a bit more acceptable.

OP posts:

Meruem · 05/04/2020 08:25

While I feel sympathy for this friend, actually in a way he is choosing to be depressed because he hasn’t ever seen the GP about it. He thinks it’s “weakness” to see the GP but wants your DH to flout the rules put in place to save lives because he can’t now cope. I would be offering support by video chat only. But once this is all over I’d be having harsh words with him.

On a thread the other day I said people do need to take some responsibility for their own MH (it didn’t go down well!) but this is exactly the sort of thing I mean. This man relies on all the people around him, not caring how much that affects these people, causing them so much worry. Yet he won’t even see the GP. It’s really quite selfish.

NotEverythingIsBlackandwhite · 05/04/2020 08:25

I totally agree with Sharkyfan and believe this would come under the exception of going to see someone to care for them.

If your DH can follow social distancing rules of keeping 2m as part whilst visiting, either in your garden or his friend's, then I think that is acceptable under the current rules.
Alternatively, do you have room to have his friend move in with you temporarily until lockdown is over?

I have told DH that if he lets his friend come over then they are to stay in the garden, be completely away from each other (ends of our garden are about 12ft apart) and that me and the children won’t be joining them.
Under the circumstances I think this is acceptable. What is the point of saving him from catching CV if he is going to kill himself instead due to the isolation?

You need to also take into consideration the effect on the rest of your DH's life if he was to do nothing and his friend committed suicide. This wouldn't be your DH's fault at all but he may well feel guilt and that would be very hard to live with. It could even lead to your DH having MH issues.

It's a very difficult situation but I would do it to save a friend from suicide.

okokokok · 05/04/2020 08:25

Yes, I certainly would visit and sit outside and stay over 2 metres apart. Emergency situation. People suggesting ringing someone in the community to do a welfare check- would this involve them visiting? If so, how is that different from your dh going?

FFSFFSFFS · 05/04/2020 08:26

I think that it clearly essential support to a vulnerable person,

If he had cancer and needed support you would do it and this is another health issue.

I'm a stickler for the rules and I think that this is acceptable and necessary

Lllot5 · 05/04/2020 08:26

Seems a bit self indulgent not to seek medical help for himself before this, however I would think your dh can go round and shout from the garden through a window or his friend could stand on the doorstep.
Do you have his parent’s contact details?
Or local mental health team’s details?

KindKylie · 05/04/2020 08:26

This situation is lives vs lives. There are many many people who will be really struggling with their mental health at the moment and some will harm or kill themselves. We need to recognise and help these people jist as much as we need to help reduce virus transmission.

In your situation I would be involving the local mental health team, the friend's GP etc rather than taking this on just by yourself. He sounds unwell. I also wouldn't have a problem with having him move in if that would help.

This isn't about a hierarchy of lives, this is about getting through this as intact as possible as a society. That means helping the most vulnerable when they need it.

KonTikki · 05/04/2020 08:27

Emotional blackmail - Selfish - Thoughtless certainly apply here.

But for your sakes, and your conscience to sit in the garden 12ft apart is acceptable in this case.

Stick to your rules and boundaries, and make them very clear to him at all times.

Lucked · 05/04/2020 08:27

Could you make speaking to a GP a condition to the garden visit?

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread