One key worker - send them?

[legalseagull]

I have two toddlers that have been offered to keep their nursery place, two days a week, as I am a key worker. My husband is not a keyworker however he earns twice what I do. If he were to stop working to care for the children on those two days we couldn't pay the bills which would mean I would have to leave my key worker job to care for them - which is exactly why the government has said only one parent is required

(For clarity we need nursery on those two days because they are my day shifts when DH is also working. I am not able to change to other shifts and these days make up most of my earnings and are the days work REALLY needs me as they're so busy)

However I feel so stressed about it and can't decide what to do for the best. It could be months and months in which case we wouldn't financially survive. Also if we go on lockdown those two days will be the only social interaction and outside stimulation they get. BUT what if they get ill?????????

WWYD?

Most people want to do the right thing in this situation. It isn’t always clear what that is. A lot of people are scared and angry and some people are using this forum to shout people down.
If you are a key worker you need to stay working. The government and society need you to keep working. The impact of this virus is not only going to be people directly ill from the virus but also economic damage that could cause a lot of harm too (including deaths).
That is why the government’s rules are as they are. A lot of very smart people have worked hard modelling all the different likely harms to us all. Go to work. Isolate from everyone else. That is what most key workers are doing. We are all in this for the long haul. These measures are not going to disappear in a couple of weeks. As you know, the risk isn’t really to your children (assuming no underlying conditions).

Good luck with whatever decision you make. It’s so tough!

OP I was on the list for 15 months and every nursery is the same in the area. When all this is over DC will need to go, properly at short notice, so giving up our place isn't an option either.

It's a risk and I don't want to increase spread but we were barely coping before so unless I leave my job I can't see any other way

@Bringonspring great idea. I will

@legalseagull sorry I really didn’t mean to make you feel bad, i was more making the point that nursery with a small number of children doesn’t increase their risk too much as they are already exposed through you. I don’t see why you couldn’t request the professions of the other key workers sending their kids as they might be a low risk.

Keep them at home if you absolutely can. It's so much safer for them. Could your husband work in the evenings to catch up?

@puds11 you didn't make me feel bad. You're right and I've been thinking that myself.

MN: being a SAHP is a full time job
Also MN: your DH should look after two pre-schoolers while working from home.

If the most feasible option is for you to quit your job then send them in. This is what the government plan is there for. It’s two days a week, it’s not like you are planning to send them in when you aren’t working.

If the government put in plans for the self-employed or your husband ends up not working then you can reassess.

I think if your dh is self employed and you only work 2 days a week you need to find a way to keep them at home. Mixing with lots of other kids is not safe.

Can your dh work longer hours a few days and then one day at a weekend and have 2 days off. Clients are going to understand. Most will be in similar positions.

Also if we go on lockdown those two days will be the only social interaction and outside stimulation they get

If we go into full lock down, chances are schools and nurseries will close altogether. That’s what has happened in France. That means some frontline workers cannot work.
The French govt. are including those workers in their wage support package.

I think I would give it a go with your DH WFH on those days. If he's self employed then he surely can't be flexible and do the best he can. Any clients he has will surely not have been living in a black hole for the last few weeks and will understand if he takes a call with a baby on his knee or is interrupted by a toddler. There's then evenings, weekends, early mornings etc

We are not keyworkers but do need to keep working around our 5 children - if it's unavoidable I have to take a call while he is out (which we are cutting back on for social distancing reasons anyway) then I will say excuse the baby and don't expect anyone to have a problem with that. This is new times for us all so get creative.

What does your dh do? Can he work longer hours other days and shorter hours the 2 days he has the kids on his own? Or work around you those 2 days? It might mean he's working into the evening/night but if it needs to be done then so be it at this point.

I've done it before all this with unwell DC and it's tricky but doable. Many people will be doing the same thing now, the guidance is to only send children to school/nursery if there is no other option and you have another option.

I think the issue here is that there are people who are not key workers, who work, who are having to work around their children being at home, think creatively about how they do their hours., put pressure on employers to allow them to work differently. If someone is a key worker - and its more often the mother - the men in those families are just not bothering to try and make these same kinds of changes or sacrifices.

I do have some sympathy OP, and perhaps your DP has tried to think of alternate C ways of working and it's not feasible. But what would he do if you weren't a key worker and you needed to do your usual job from home 2 days per week?

I think if your DC was older this would be a different conversation, you can't say to a toddler to play quietly or try to take calls while looking after them. My 1y.o won't let us leave the room atm!
Parents in our position with young DC need the nursery. I think the criminals won't respect isolation, if anything crime will go up. I'm guessing you will be asked to work longer and do more (like all of us key workers).
It's not a choice between working hard or being a good parents. After this we still need jobs, childcare, homes. Yes it's a risk getting the virus (very small to have it badly) but it's a risk I'll be taking. It's more of a risk that DH and I will loose savings and run ourselves into the ground.

@CaraCrisp yes I have already been asked to work more. For odd hours here and there which is fine, DH can have them but the two days are vital as that's when the courts sit.

I will try to see if there's anything that can be done. I'll talk to work and see if I can just do the absolutely bloody vital stuff - like arrests and court and then go straight home so DH only has them for a few hours

I'm not sure if that's even possible on those two days but we'll see

Yes it's a risk getting the virus (very small to have it badly) but it's a risk I'll be taking. It's more of a risk that DH and I will loose savings and run ourselves into the ground

I totally understand that your priority is your family and it’s future.

It is really, really important that school and childcare settings are only used as a LAST RESORT. If they aren’t, there will be too many children, so it won’t help stop the spread of CV.

At that point schools will close entirely. That’s what has happened in France.

OP in a similar situation here and completel feel your pain.

I’m NHS. I spoke with one of our paediatricians to discuss the risk of the kids at nursery. As we know, kids are carriers but he strongly assured me if they were to get the virus would likely be extremely mild symptoms if at all.

For the previous poster saying you should lose your house if necessary in an attempt to flatten the curve is absolutely ridiculous.

You’ve already said your taking extra precautions, seeing absolutely no family or friends - your doing all
You can.

Your a key worker for a reason. You must do what is right for your family albeit doing everything you can to flatten the curve in the interim but in my opinion that means in your case - sending your little ones to nursery. Take all the precautions you can but do not beat yourself up about putting a roof over their head and food in their little stomachs. You’ve got their best interests at heart.

Nurseries are not safe. We were running out of gloves before we locked down.

Would you consider a smaller setting like a Childminder for example?

If you can work it do they can stay at home I would - hopefully your DHs work can be flexible in these difficult times.

Schools and nurseries are not guaranteed safe places - you don't know who the other children or staff have been in contact with or whether they themselves care carrying the virus.

Anywhere where there are groups of people will carry a risk

Feel for you OP, I’m in a similar position. I have managed to sort the next two weeks so my kids don’t have to go into their school/nursery and I will cross the further weeks closer to the time. It’s so hard isn’t it.
We can just take it week by week at the moment and hope it all works out.

Sending them to school should really be the last resort!

It annoys me when I hear about people who are blatantly abusing the system (A SAHM whose DH is a keyworker and so is sending the kids into nursery to keep their routine - to be completely fair I don’t know anyone doing this, I’ve just read about it it on here), but this is clearly not the case with you OP.

I think it boils down to is there ANY way your DH can look after the kids on those two days? If he does 3 really long days instead and then early mornings/evenings on those 2 days? Or half days at weekends? If he really really just can’t, and you’d face losing your house, and the other alternative would be you not working, then use the childcare place. I think though that most people would be able to make it work if it’s just 2 days of the working week where he has the kids, sorry if that sounds tough.

Could your husband perhaps combine reduced hours with annual leave and working from home.

No advice I'm afraid, but a lot of sympathy. Both me and DH are key workers and cannot wfh. We'll be having to go into work and take our two kids to nursery in central london on public transport. We already reduce our working days so they're in three days a week, can't reduce further.

Don't know what the hell to do. We won't see anyone other than each other outside of work - particularly as grandparents are vulnerable - but I hate that my work is putting my kids at further risk.