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Original poster

To say I will not have my grand children

144 replies

Bottletopsx · 07/03/2020 22:06

If and I mean If, the coronavirus spreads across the whole of the Uk. I am considering telling my daughter in law that I can not take care of her 2 children. At the moment I look after a 2 year old two days a week and a 9 year old after school and both of them when there is no school. My husband and I are in our 60s and he had high blood pressure and a heart complaint and I have a lung problem. We love the kids to bits but they go to so many different people we are worried that they may get coronavirus and show no symptoms yet pass it on to us. We are in the group that is at high risk. I dont want to let my daughter in law down but I am worried for our health. I honestly dont know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
minipie · 07/03/2020 23:00

Yanbu - as long as you are also taking other consistent precautions eg not going on holiday, not going to public events, etc

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/03/2020 23:02

You're not being unreasonable and I'm sorry that there are so many people here who'd rather beat someone down to prove their 'point' than actually answer the question.

I'd tell her in good time if you can, though, so she can prepare other childcare if she needs to.

ChilliesAndSpice · 07/03/2020 23:03

Your concerns are understandable. IF you can afford it comfortably could you offer to help your DIL with some of the childcare costs?

2 days nursery and after school club every day would cost me over £150 a week. That’s a lot of money for a single parent to find.

artio0 · 07/03/2020 23:04

First of all sorry you've had such a rude response on here. And very sorry to hear about your son's passing.

I think the best thing is to talk to your DIL as soon as possible about your worries so she has a chance to arrange alternative childcare until the virus blows over or there's medication available. I very much hope she'll understand.

Of course it's not unreasonable to worry about your or your DH's life and judging by the information we have the only thing someone at risk can do at the moment is trying to avoid it. If I were you I would be just as careful.

For perspective, this is coming from someone in their 30ies who lives in a big city and doesn't own a single bottle of sanitising gel (but I am not in immediate contact with someone who's higher risk and grandparents live overseas).

FlamingoQueen · 07/03/2020 23:05

I think you are being perfectly reasonable in wanting to discuss with your daughter in law. It is always better to be prepared and she will know where she stands, should the situation arise.
I am actually lost for words with some of the comments on here. I take it the ‘Be Kind’ to people momentum has been forgotten about. I feel hugely embarrassed to even be part of mn when there are such trolls around.
I am sorry for the loss of your son, but they are very lucky to have you in their lives.

Original poster
Bottletopsx · 07/03/2020 23:07

We already help out financially and are only on a pension. We are always here and help out at the drop of a hat . Collecting children, minding children, taking them to parties, swimming lessons, brownies etc. We buy them clothes, toys, food, take them out on day trips, They sleep over, we take then on holidays. We are damned good caring, loving grandparents.

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 07/03/2020 23:11

I'm sorry for your loss.

If you're thinking of quarantining yourselves as much as possible the. You need to let dil know as soon as possible.

But then I wouldn't be living your normal life because you just don't know who is a carrier.

The radio today said they may ask elderly people to stay at home as much as possible.

sleepwouldbenice · 07/03/2020 23:12

Wow can't believe the comments that happened on here. It was no ones business why you would be talking to daughter in law ( parents split up but you are actively involved, son works away lots, or of course yes your beloved son had died) Jesus talk about going of on a nasty tangent....

Again please just talk to her. It's probably crossed her mind anyway. If school close and people are advised not to go into work ( sorry if I have missed what her job is) it's all going to get very messy

And , again.... it's way more virulent than seasonal flu. Hence they expect 1\5 of population to be off at onceHmm

MotherOfDragonite · 07/03/2020 23:14

Please take care of yourself and self-isolate! They will understand! I am so sorry for the loss of your son. Stay at home as much as possible. I am a single mum and my mother (who has lung problems) sometimes helps me with childcare but I have told her to stop and self-isolate at this point.

BackInTime · 07/03/2020 23:15

I think it's perfectly reasonable OP and hopefully your DIL will understand. I think what is important is to discuss this asap rather than land it upon her all of a sudden.

Notnownotneverever · 07/03/2020 23:15

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. But I do think you should have that conversation sooner rather than later.

SusieOwl4 · 07/03/2020 23:18

To the person who mentioned flu , the OP probably had the vaccine . No one has immunity to this virus . There is a big difference .

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/03/2020 23:19

If course you should decline OP. I'm sure your DiL would not want you to be at risk.Smile

justasking111 · 07/03/2020 23:20

I am in the same quandary OP with grand children. DH has COPD is 69 he is supposed to have an operation next month if hospital is still doing scheduled operations so needs to be well. However, I do not want to let anyone down. It is such a worry. I know one son will sulk a bit.

I also have asthma.

ExhaustedGrinch · 07/03/2020 23:20

YANBU OP, you sound like very loving grandparents to me and I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son. Flowers

Custardo · 07/03/2020 23:20

its the flu-- the proper flu is a killer. so you gonna get this flu is it woth nit seeing granfkids? is it worth spoiling a relationship witj your own kids?

Original poster
Bottletopsx · 07/03/2020 23:22

Custardo how old are you? I am amazed at your comment!

OP posts:
worldgonemad2020 · 07/03/2020 23:22

YANBU. I am so so sorry to hear about your son and so shocked by the torrent of comments here. :(

This is so hard for you, your DIL and kids. Is there anyone else who could help your DIL?

Floralnomad · 07/03/2020 23:24

My point about it going on longer is that if it lasts for example 6 months or even a year , which is possible is the OP not going to see her GC for that length of time ? Also I had corrected my comment about AIBU if you had bothered to read further down the thread ,

bamboo0 · 07/03/2020 23:25

Sounds as though you help out a lot. You're well within your rights to stop contact if you're worried (though you may be a little premature yet) but just speak up now so that she can arrange alternative cover if necessary. It's a difficult one, my DDad is late 60's, just returned from holiday and is completely unfazed by this virus (I should add he does no baby sitting etc though).

Lunafortheloveogod · 07/03/2020 23:26

Perhaps set a clear boundary in advance? Like you won’t take them if they do become symptomatic (fever, coughing etc) or cases become local or the govs advice is to limit contact with vulnerable groups.

But if you’re off on holiday or running around town like normal under the same circumstances id say it’s unreasonable, you’d know roughly who the kids had been around, where and if anyone was ill but you wouldn’t know if the guy next to you on the tube came back from Italy yesterday.

self isolating properly vs picking and choosing kind of thought.

Zombiemum1946 · 07/03/2020 23:26

Yanbu. Talk to your dil. You're giving her a lot of support and I'm sure she'd understand. She may need sometime to find alternative care for them though.

Original poster
Bottletopsx · 07/03/2020 23:26

Lot of mums and dads will be in turmoil as to who will take care of their children if school close. Is it fair to ask those most at risk to care for the children?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bottletopsx · 07/03/2020 23:28

We are not running about anywhere! or going on holiday! we are staying at home all day every day. I hope none of you get the virus and have to cope!!!!!

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 07/03/2020 23:29

Sorry you got some nasty comments OP and I'm sorry about the loss of your son Thanks

I think you are doing the right thing.

I appreciate it will be difficult for your DIL but ultimately you can't help anyway if you become ill and the worst case doesn't bear thinking about.

My DM is high risk (asthma and over 60).

She and DF are trying to reduce contact in general. I fully support this and have offered (if they need it) to drop of shopping for them - in the porch if needs be.

I'd be devastated if anything happened to them and if that means phone/texts for a while rather than visiting them, so be it.