30s TTC Inc: Rolling out BESH practice across our flagship monthly diffment projects - Blue Sky thinking for a paradigm shift vis-a-vis droids and wooden spoons.

[Muser]

We're getting serious this time BESHies. Welcome to the Palace, where the emphasis is on sophistication. Cast your eyes over the plush carpet, admire the oh-so-carefully worn leather armchairs with sidetables and little green lamps. We have the Bonds of the ages as barstaff, waiting to serve martinis and the finest champagne.

To your left you'll see the Pit, which hopefully we won't be needing much. To your right the Cave of Gloom, and straight ahead we have our special space for the 2WOOFL. You'll find beanbags and gym balls there, the walls have been specially painted to allow you to write your symptoms up and wipe them off if they disappear. It's all the rage for Blue Sky thinking these days. And there are donuts and coffee to keep you going as you try to shift that paradigm.

DHB=Double Hard Bastard

Did you get your blood test results back, Meds?

In my head it's double hard bastids, but I have no idea if that's right!

Well, finally rang GP and my day 3 and 21 bloods were all normal. So I'm ovulating, FSH levels normal, not anaemic or diabetic, my thyroid's not up t'spout.... so where's my baybee then, eh? Mr Stew's gizz results should be in early next week so we'll see.

Right ladies. It's day 27 today, which would make droid due Sun/Mon. I'm about 12DPO. It's my sis's wedding tomorrow. Do I POAS tomorrow morning, just in the faint hope of a +ve, or do I not, because it'll likely be negative that early and just spoil my weekend and also my drinking abilities?

The decision, as someone off the telly in the 90s used to say, is yours.

Medee I'd join you but all my white knickers have gone a manky grey colour....

Aries how are you today m'luvver?

Oh, forgot:

Realised the other day that I am the 4th generation of only children (my siblings are step ones). Could there be some sort of hereditary secondary infertility?? My Mum didn't try again after me because my father fecked orf, but my Nan only had one, as did her Mum. And surely in those days that's unusual, right? Nan had Mum (just) post-war at the age of 24 so she could have gone on to have more...

Don't know how to ask my Mum about it without flagging up to her that we're (a) trying and (b) struggling.....

Am I in time for dirty dancing and twirls? Plz can I join?

Hmmm...tricky one Cass. Maybe you could just ask your mum and forbid her to mentioned it again? That's what I've done, though probably shouldn't.

I'm been up most of night, gusset-rummaging and chewing fingernails with anxiety about MrA (though obviously washed hands in between). Though I know he was ok at 5.05 which he thought was an appropriate hour to text.

My poor BESHes. Lorry, I really feel for you. DO what Scorps said, go and be firm and polite at the clinic and say you think the time has come to try something else. It's horrid for you to be in this state and if you can't face the party tomorrow, don't go. Say you've got a migraine, or an upset tummy, or something. Spend the day in the Pit with Cass's videos - I would join you there but I have SO MUCH TO DO (after a ridiculously idle and self indulgent day yesterday).

As for you other menkulists, chins up, stiff upper lips all round, what what. Good luck with your scan Ginny. I'm sure it'll be fine, but that's no comfort to you. Anyway.

I got in at 6am and now have half an hour to sober up before my teetotaller preacher father arrives, so in haste:

Loz, your post made me teary. I'm so sorry. And there's not much more I can say than that. But I do think you're very wise and perceptive to give yourself a month off. I don't think any of us could continue TTC at precisely the same pitch of organisation/timing etc. etc. month after month without suffering such anxiety it would prolly damage the whole biz anyway. And yes: I think you should march into the FC and say, "Right, I've been A Good Girl, and now pliz to listen up: I Wish For Firm Fax".

Love Karate chops to all

Sorry x-post Cass. Not sure about your mum - do you generally have quite an open relationship? Would she be a nightmare if she knew you were trying?

6am HB?!! Well done my luvver, can't remember the last time I did that! I hope you've got lots of mouthwash to hide smell of alcohol from Pops?

I think I might actually die Pols, so it won't matter

I have a dim recollection of sitting on the steps of a fantastically posh block of flats in the City roaring Welsh hymns in three part harmony. And it appears at some stage during the night I was not wholly in command of my bladder

Morning. UnBESHly cuddles and hair strokes to my lovely girls, especially Gin, Lolly, Cass. Oh go on, and you Scorpy.

I'm in a state. I've done something terrible.

Just got train to That London with my team, including the one who told me via email yesterday that she is preg.

It turns out she is 18 weeks. Almost unbelievable that I wouldn?t notice when I am obsessed with all things pregnancy related, and she sits directly opposite me. But she has no bump, and admits she has had no symptoms, and generally looks amazing.

She was moaning ? as people do, entirely within reason ? about whether they should move house, how various family members are poking their noses in, etc, etc. She even made a comment about how it?s a complete myth that women in their 30s find it difficult to get pregnant, as she managed it at the first attempt (she is 6 weeks younger than me).

I was finding it really difficult to listen to, wishing she would just think about how lucky she is, and texted as much to HO, including the bit about her moaning.

Except I sent it to her instead.

You wouldn?t think it possible, but I was getting so upset, and they are next to each other in my phone book.

I went hot and cold and texted again immediately to explain. It was quite surreal, sitting there texting each other with the rest of the team around us. She seemed to take it pretty well, considering what an awful thing it was to do ? but she is one of those people who is happy to make sweeping generalisations about others, but v.v.sensitive to any criticism at all, so from a professional perspective I?ve messed that one up royally.

From a personal perspective, she knows that I?m a bitch. And she now knows where I?m up to with TTC and AC, which is something I?ve tried really hard to keep away from people at work. Well, from people in general ? my family and the vast majority of my friends don?t know. I think that's going to have to change as, like Laurie, I'm finding it too much to keep inside and it's leaking out.

I was nearly in tears on the train. Am again now at my desk (there?s a lot of it about today). I wish so much that I could just huddle in the Pit all day, with my lovely Gin and Lolly, but I've got a massive committee meeting to run this afternoon and have to prepare for that now.

Oh Lyra. Oh my goodness . Not much to say really is there? You poor poor thing.

Lyra. Sweetie. You have all my sympathy.

It sounds like you handled it well, though. Everyone fucks up all the time. Which doesn't make it less embarrassing or painful when you're the one who does it, but at least you dealt as gracefully and immediately as possible with the situation.

Oh Lyra darling, you poor poor thing. But Camel is, as always, quite right: everyone fucks up all the time (my new tattoo by the way). You were remarkably cool-headed to have dealt with it like that - and to be honest, I imagine that unless she is a prize bitch of the first degree, she will feel as much compassion and empathy as irritation. It's not as if you sent a message just generally slagging her off: it came within the context of a painful issue in your personal life. She would need to be genuinely monstrous not to think, alongside the inevitable "ooo the COW!", "oh, poor love, and I never knew, God I must have sounded like a callous moaning bint..."

Oh Lyra, what a nightmare. But like others have said it sounds like you dealt with it very well, and hopefully her knowing now will mean she's more careful about what she says round you from now on which might make it a bit less hard for you.

So sorry about droid Lorry. Definitely sounds like you should harass the FC - you've done the model patient bit, now for being the demanding politely until you get answers patient.

Sounds like it was a good night Headcase, are there videos on youtube?!

Oh lyra. Unless she is the worst person in the history of the world then she will accept your explanation, mumble an apology for being moany & never mention it again. You handled it well. I'm just so sorry that you're going through it.

Hopefully as a slightly amusing side there is another fred here about texting gone bad. Someone sent a downright flithy text.....to her dad. Find the fred, read it - it managed to raise a smile on my miserable mush!

Thank you everyone for your sympathy to me too, has made me teary & as I said I don't normally let go .

cass you win the prize for the best idea of the day. No-body puts Baby in a corner.

I don't know why I tell you these things when you all being nice to me makes me cry even more!

Laurie love, we're going to have to find a better way to deal with this shit, as current MO doesn't seem to be working for either of us. We need another Plan With Capital Letters. The Let It Out (But Not At Work) Initiative?

Oh Lyra - I guess the silver lining is that you might not have told her directly to STFU, so this way you get that, along with a little bit of embarrassment - we all do stupid things, and social events with work are a nightmare for that.

drom yes, I appear to be ovulating normally, hurrah! And ovary scan is booked for Tuesday.

Just want to echo others lyra. In the grand scheme of things, there were worse things you could do .

There's a woman at my work who is quite open that she's going through IVF at the moment and had her first baby that way. It means she gets the support she needs, I don't think absolutely everyone knows but key people do (and me for some reason). It must be good not having to hide it, although massive step.

lauriepop really sorry to hear about droid. Agree some time off sounds good, and definitely go back and demand more action.

I told almost everybody about the IVF. A) Because I'm revoltingly indiscreet B) Because I feel very safe at work, possibly foolishly so, and therefore believe that they won't be mean to me (borne out by my MD offering me as much time out as I needed to do the IVF, given that I can work from anywhere) and C) Because I would have gone nuts without support.

Obviously I am ridiculously chatty about my personal business, and I can understand that others aren't, but if you do feel you can share it, it does make inadvertent tactlessness much less likely.

Muse You bugger, now I am singing Grease in my head.

Medee Brilliant! I am glad you ovulated, and hope scan is hopeful making.

Tuesday is a Big Day - Gin's scan (most important of course), Med's ovary scan (blimey that was quick), and my Hycosy (think it might hurt and am bit worried about going alone - am stupid but don't have anyone nearby who could come with).

Drom, you are right of course - I am usually A)B)C) about everything - e.g. everyone at work knows the score with my dad. This is the exception. I think it's primarily because my turnaround from NEVER wanting children, to TTC, to struggling, has been not much more than a year . I'm still at the stage of having the "I think I might have changed my mind" conversation with close friends. Hardly anyone knows we're actually SWI, no-one knows we're heading for IVF. I'm such a twat.

Lyra You're not a twat, you're lovely. Now shhh.

My Hycosy (that's the injecty-dye one, isn't it?) was a bit weird and very painful - but only for a couple of moments, honestly! And that was only because my tube was blocked. If things are clear for you, then it won't hurt. However, because it's an invasive medical procedure, I promise you will want someone to hold your hand afterwards. As any fule kno, I am a DHB, but I cried on TNB when it was done. And we got a nice taxi home from the hospital.

I think I need to accelerate my stepped programme of information release to stop myself going mad.

Crap am worried about Hycosy now. Am driving myself there and back, will that be OK? The info sheet they sent made out it was no drama - two paracetamol and a big sanitary towel, that was about it. Far too late to ask HO to get time off school - can't leave the kids without a teacher. I have told him he has to look after me that evening, but that's all.

Lyra if you're a twat, then so am I, as you have just described me perfectly .

I've told 1 RL friend about TTC. Bless, she was gutted about droid. She's mentioned reflexology as there is a good one where she goes for massage who seems to have had a high success rate with differs. If nothing else I love a good foot massage...... so that's the only thing I'm doing this month (as well as teh secks for the fun of it).

Part of the reason I think I find it hard to admit to people is saving face . How daft is that? Like you lyra I've adamently said for years I didn't want children (was true). Then when people tried to persuade me I became arsey & more adament (I know you prolly find that hard to believe ) & now I have enough trouble admitting it to myself, let alone others!! I also think if I told my mum she'd go into the whole marriage discussion & although its 5 years ago the boyf & mine engagement went tits up I still don't like talking about it.

Jeez, I sound insane.

x-posts. I was absolutely fine with the hycosy & even asked the nurse if that was it! The boyf did pick me up, & I did cry but that was out of relief. I honestly think I could've driven myself. But the boyf arrived with a big gingerbread man for me being so brave . He drove home while I cried & ate gingerbread. He doesn't need a child, does he?