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Conception

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Original poster

18, single & desperate for a baby?!

82 replies

PrettyCountryGirl · 26/05/2010 18:34

Hello there Mn,
I'm really hoping someone will be able to offer me some advice.. I'm an 18 yo singleton and I'm absoloutley desperate for a baby, I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I really feel as though I'm ready to share my past and future experiences with a little one. I am aware that having a child is a huge responsibility but ever since I misscarried at 23 weeks when I was in my early teens I have had this constant empty feeling that is becoming even more unberable.

Has anybody got any advice?
Thank you in advance, x

OP posts:

skihorse · 26/05/2010 18:38

I'm really sorry to hear about your miscarriage - that must've been incredibly difficult for you.

As far as advice goes, I would suggest you get some counselling - you've probably already had some but it would make sense to get some more. Nobody, but nobody on this planet whether alive - or to come, can fill an emptiness in the soul - nor is it their responsibility.

I know what it's like to yearn for a baby, but I really would recommend getting "your head screwed on straight" first.

Best of luck to you.

HurleySatOnMe · 26/05/2010 18:38

If this is real then listen to me.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Your future children deserve a stable mother and to know their father.
If you miscarried at 23 weeks you will know that giving birth is no picnic.
You need to sort out any hurt from the previous pregnancy before even thinking of having another. Why on earth were you even having sex in your early teens?
And your past experiences? Who are you trying to kid. I well remember being a cocky 18 year old, thinking I knew it all. I knew nothing.

catinthehat2 · 26/05/2010 18:41

There must be more to this story PCG.

Maybe you could dripfeed us if you feel able?

HecateQueenOfWitches · 26/05/2010 18:49

I'm really sorry that you went through that. I would imagine that you are grieving and it is probably quite normal to want another.

But.

You are 18.

Do you have an income? A house? Support?

Babies are not easy. They are expensive, they are exhausting, they take all your time and attention. They HAVE to be your first, second and third priority (and I'm not talking triplets here , I mean ONE baby is no 1, 2, 3 priority in your life!)

A baby will not fill an empty feeling. The empty feeling will still be there only you'll have an expensive exhausting little person who will depend on you to be strong and to care for their every need as well.

I would really urge you to think again. To get counselling and to wait to start a family until you are financially secure and are in a strong relationship. Being a single mother is the hardest job in the world. You think you have a hole now? Feel isolated now? Try being a single mother!

A baby will not magically transform your life into all things wonderful. (not that babies aren't wonderful ) but all that is wrong with your life will still be there. It won't fix you.

Wait until you are older and until you are in a better position emotionally and financially to offer a baby a stable life - because it's not about what a baby can do for you, it's what YOU can do for your baby!

Original poster

PrettyCountryGirl · 26/05/2010 19:01

Skihorse: Thank you so much for the advice, I am still in councelling for lots of different reasons, this being one of them. As for "getting my head screwed on" that would be a blessing.

HSOM: Yes, this is real I'm fully aware that is what my future children deserve, but having the capability to act upon that awareness is not as easy as it may seem.
I was having sex because It was what I thought I had to do to be with the "in crowd" and after being sexually abused I didn't really know any better. Sad, but true. As for being a cocky 18 year old, I'm glad that I got all of that out of my system before I actually turned 18.

Catinthehat2: What do you mean?

OP posts:

skihorse · 26/05/2010 19:03

I was 33 before my head was straight and I'm currently now pregnant with my first (at 36). I can honestly look back on my life and say that I would've been a horrible mother until that point. I didn't start my therapy until I was 29 so you're YEARS ahead of me already!

HurleySatOnMe · 26/05/2010 19:04

Won't you join me on the sofa with some popcorn catinthehat?

brennannbooth · 26/05/2010 19:04

Totally sympathise about the yearning after a pregnancy loss BUT actually having a baby doesn't stop you yearning for the one you lost, unfortunately. The baby feels like a unique person, you can't replace people. Hopefully counselling will get you through this hard time, having a baby won't.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2010 19:10

Get a pet.

HurleySatOnMe · 26/05/2010 19:12

And a coil.

catinthehat2 · 26/05/2010 19:31

I just mean - if you are going to share your story, why not share more than just the bare bones of it. I'm sure there's more to it than just the first 100 or so words. WHat about your desperation, your past experiences, that empty feeling. Let's get past the cliches..

...over to you.

skihorse · 26/05/2010 19:38

If this poster is genuine and this is a genuine cry for help - most of you are being vile in extremis.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2010 19:41

I am serious in my suggestion of a pet, and although to the point, I hope compassionate too. If the OP got a puppy or kitten it might help give her a feeling of parenting something that needs her, without taking the huge step of having a child in order to fill that need.

seashore · 26/05/2010 19:43

Are you sure it's not just loneliness? You have so much time ahead of you, 18 is just so young, why not at least wait a few years. I think early twenties is very young to take on being a mother.

You wouldn't believe how much work it is, maybe you see mums and their babies about and all is quiet, a cute sleeping baby in a buggy but it's not like that at all.

Very sorry to hear you lost a baby, that would certainly need to be dealt with before you go ahead.

Take folic acid tablets if you are trying to 'accidently get pregnant' and remember you might get something other then a baby.

I have had my dc at 37 and 40 and I still had o change quickly and grow up in ways I know I couldn't have at 18.

At 18 a baby was the last thing I would have wanted, I had moved out and was just learning how to look after myself. It took years before I even learnt how to properly feed myself.

Just take baby steps yourself, give yourself time, forget about it until at least 25.

Trafficcone · 26/05/2010 19:50

Take it from me, who had her first at 20. I was too young. I hadn't even finished my degree so my husband now has to work all the hours God sends
because my earning potential is Limited.
My son is alive and reasonably well brought up but was I ready? NO. Did I do a better job with my subsequent babies, when I was mature, owned my home and was married? YES.
And already I know I'm a better Mum to the one I'm expecting now I'm in my thirties, my thoughts on feeding, nappies etc all show a mature selfless attitude I didn't have back then.

Do you know what's really fun about being a 'singleton' Mum, that is, one with no partner OR expartner. It's your child asking year in,year out where his father is and why his father isn't involved and even better 'where is he?'
Do you really think you can pick a one night stand sperm Donor and he'll suddenly want to do weekend access and CSA payments for 18 years?

What happened to you in the past is very sad but don't go bringing a child into the world just to heal a hurt. Your future kids deserve a nice house, nice Daddy and selfless adult Mummy who knows both where she's going and where she's been.

mathanxiety · 26/05/2010 22:15

Very well put, Trafficcone -- no child should come into the world with a job already set out for him or her. When you have a baby, it's not about the mum at all any more. It's all baby, baby, baby, all the time, day and night for years and years and years.

I hope you've been getting all the help you need, PCG, to help you deal with the abuse you've suffered as well as the miscarriage and the grief of that.

Original poster

PrettyCountryGirl · 27/05/2010 12:36

Thank you so much for the replies everyone and I'm sorry that I haven't been abnle to reply earlier. As for pets and therapy I've been there and neither are helping anymore, I was recently hand rearing a little lamb who was being fed three bottle feeds in the night and It was the most amazing feeling to be such a huge part of a little life. I have also played a huge role in my brother's early years including night feeds, being the one to change soiled sheets at 2am after he's wet the bed and I've been the one there for the amazing stuff too like first word and his first steps, all because my parent's are away with work a lot. I am positive this is not just lonliness, I have a lot to give to a child and I know I may only be 18 but I'm not a typical 18 year old I have a house a car and an income and enough money put away to see both the baby and I through untill I return to work when the lo is 3-ish. The father would be my ex, 'w' who is as keen as I am about raising a child together and is 100% willing to be there for us both at all costs.

I do not want a child to replace the one I lost, but to give another one an even better chance in the world.

OP posts:

minipie · 27/05/2010 12:53

Pretty, am very curious, how do you have a house and car and savings at age 18?

and why is W your ex - presumably there must be a reason you split up, are you not concerned about taking on such a lifelong responsibility with someone you split up from?

What happens if you have a child and you still feel the empty feeling?

HurleySatOnMe · 27/05/2010 13:12

Curiouser and curiouser

catinthehat2 · 27/05/2010 13:14

What do the rest of your Extended family think?

Original poster

PrettyCountryGirl · 27/05/2010 13:14

Well to put it bluntly I've been lucky when it has come to money, my family is well off and they like to see me living somewhere nice and being able to get around for myself. At the moment I'm earning aswell as having backup.

W is my ex because were such close friends and we find it difficult to be together as a coupple, neither of us want to be appart, but we don't want to be "together" either.

I know I'm always going to have an empty feeling, it's a part of. Life and loss.

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 27/05/2010 13:15

I do think it's easy to underestimate how hard it is having a baby, but that's nothing to do with age. Plenty of older mums struggle too.

I decided to have a (planned) baby at 19, and we didn't tell anyone we were trying for fear of negative reactions. But it's all worked out though, I'm not the greatest mummy and I've struggled a bit with PND but I think I'm doing a half-decent job, my 2 kids are so loved. I'm so glad I didn't leave it until I was older TBH. Age is definitely not an indicator of parenting ability.

The main difference though, is that I'd been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years then (now nearly 8, we're married too). I know lots of people manage as single parents but I just couldn't do it myself. I mean even if DH and I split but he was still involved in the childcare, not sharing the love of a partner would be way too hard.

So sorry about your MC. I was abused too, BTW, and very glad I had plenty of therapy in my teens (after a major breakdown, self-harm etc) - if I hadn't resolved those issues fully, I'd find parenting a lot harder.

Original poster

PrettyCountryGirl · 27/05/2010 13:18

Hurley, If you have nothing constructive to add to the thread, please don't post.

Catinthehat2: this is not somthing I have discussed with my family, nor do I plan to yet.

OP posts:

HurleySatOnMe · 27/05/2010 13:19

So basically you are a spoilt little rich girl who thinks all your dysfunction will be cured by havign a baby with your ex who presumably is equally as young and clueless as you? What a marvellous set up to bring a baby into

Original poster

PrettyCountryGirl · 27/05/2010 13:25

MathsMad: It's so nice that sombody understands what it's like to go through the abuse and the results eg, depression and self harm. Thank you for sharing that

I agree totally that age (within reason) is not an indicator to parenting ability, It has a lot to do with other factors such as support.

OP posts:

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