18, single & desperate for a baby?!

[PrettyCountryGirl]

Hello there Mn,
I'm really hoping someone will be able to offer me some advice.. I'm an 18 yo singleton and I'm absoloutley desperate for a baby, I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I really feel as though I'm ready to share my past and future experiences with a little one. I am aware that having a child is a huge responsibility but ever since I misscarried at 23 weeks when I was in my early teens I have had this constant empty feeling that is becoming even more unberable.

Has anybody got any advice?
Thank you in advance, x

That's a bit harsh Hurley, just because someone is rich doesn't make them spoilt.

That said, Hurley is right that your feelings may not be "cured" by having a baby.
What happens then?

I still don't really understand why W is your ex - why could you not be together?

Have you thought about university/further education? Going travelling?

Hurley - thats a lovely thing to say to someone who's suffered a late miscarriage and abuse

What does your therapist think about you having a baby PCG?

PCG, how old is your ex? Would the planned baby have one parent who was a bit older? Has he ever been a parent before?

You're welcome PCG - though if I'm honest I've now got to the stage whereby I can mention all that stuff in passing, it's not a big deal IYSWIM

Wait until you are 21 and if you still want to do it then fair enough but put it to the back of your mind until then, spend the next few years gaining more qualifications, set up your own business, go travelling, write a book, make lots of friends, have some FREEDOM.

I had my dd1 at 17, I was single mum, it was incredibly hard work and tiring, my dd1 is nearly 11 now and the thing I regret is that I have NEVER had any freedom to do what I want, only once in my life have I been able to walk into a shop and pick a whole outfit without looking at the prices. I wasn't able to go out anywhere on my own without having to get a babysitter. I haven't been able to go travelling, I don't get many holidays because I can't afford them. Dinner has to be on the table at 5pm everyday and has been for as long as I can remember.

They say children get easier as they get older but I wouldn't say it is easier I'd say it's different, you need to think about the long term, it's not just the first few years that are tough.

To be a Mum you must.......
work 24/7 for no pay, no holiday days, no sick days, you must be a teacher, nurse, speech therapist, cook, cleaner, snot and bum wiper, you must never tire of their chatter or when they ask why why why why why why why why why why but whhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? what are cows made of? what is glass made of? who made the moon? why do we have 2 hands? you must hold your nerve when they are tantruming very loudly in public, you must not get embarrassed when they shout at the top of their voice why is that lady fat with a beard?

Why don't you become a childminder or a nanny until you are in a stable secure relationship?

Pretty as much as you think you are mature enoigh to bring a child into the world please think again.

I had my dd at 17. I had a crappy upbringing, and looking back I was desperate to have a loving family and a settled home life. Due to the fact I didn't have a family of my own it made perfect sense to create my own - hence having a baby.

I love my daugher and am so grateful that i had her - however the fact remains i had her for purely selfish reasons. My life when she was young was chaotic to say the least. Her father buggered off when she was 3 months, i went back to work FT, added to which I had crippling PND, huge issues caused by abusive childhood, a mad sense of self loathing, and pushed myself to the limit what with working and studying. I was also skint.

My love for dd certainly helped me from going under, that much is absolutely certain, but it is NOT an ideal environment to bring up a child.

Everything all turned out hunky dory in teh end - somehow I managed to keep a lid on everything. DD is 14 now and is absolutely wonderful, we have a lovely life and she is as happy as could be. But I think I owe that more to stupendous luck and the fact that my dd was born with a sunny nature than purely down to what I managed to do.

You really need to owe it to yourself to try and get yourself to a happier place before you attempt to bring another innocent life into it.

If you did have a dd now you are taking an enormous risk with both your state of mind and your child's. You will benefit enormously if you just wait a few years, and develop a steady and loving relationship. Invest all your youthful energy and time to making yourself happy.

Hurley: I'm not just some spoilt little rich girl, I'm a responsible young adult who is trying to do the right thing by asking parents who may have been through similar things for advice. Whether I put the advice into practice is somthing that Is purely my own decision.

As for education I have that all sorted out, I have a place In a private college for when I want it.

W is 22, he is my ex because we have issues that cannot be resolved just yet, I'm not saying that we will never be together, but right now it isn't possible. We were together for three years and it was amazing, but we started to push eachother away and just stay very close friends (with certain benefits) having a baby is somthing that we both feel we are capable of not just coping with but enjoying together.

MathsMad: I know what you mean

I meant your Extended family what lives on the farm.

This one

You say you have a place in a private college for when you want it ... but if you have a child you're not really going to have time to take it up, are you? Unless you can afford to pay a nanny to look after the child while you're at college.

I suppose what I'm saying is that by having a child now you will be cutting out a lot of other choices for your life - both for you and for the child.

All the advice you have had from people on this thread is that it would be much better for the child if you could wait till you've sorted things out with W (or got into a stable relationship with someone else). And it would also be much better to wait until your mental state has improved - not expect the baby to "fix" that.

Of course if you want to get pg now we can't stop you. All we can tell you is that that doesn't seem to us to be the best decision for you or for your child.

Pretty i would think long and hard about having baby with someone you're not with. I know lots of couples split up, but to choose it? If it wasn't working before you have a baby, it won't work when you do have one.

I'd take that place at college now if i were you. You might find that gives you a bit of happiness and fulfillment, and the chances of you having time to go to college once baby's arrived are pretty slim.

funny thing is, in times gone by, PCG would be the norm and anyone saying 'don't have a baby at 18' would be the crazy ones!

have to say, getting a job in a nursery might be a good idea

What is your plan in the event that on having had the baby you ex decides it is too much effort and hard work and he can't be bothered to help you or he meets someone who he loves and wants to live with and have a child with and decides he doesn't owe you anything? (just incase you think oh he would never do that please bear in mind that men do this all the time and CSA are not very good at getting them to pay maintence and it's a very stressful process)

How easy do you suppose it is to go out and find another man who is willing to take you and a child that isn't his on?

How attractive do you think you will feel after having had a baby?

mathsmad a single 18 yr old mum wouldn't have been the norm in times gone by !

Yes I thought the nursery job idea was a good one too.

yes fair point it is the single-ness not the age that is the potential problem.

PCG if you weren't to have a baby with W, you'd have to be very careful not to rush into a 'meaningful' relationship with someone else - it's easy to kid yourself IYSWIM.

In times gone by an unmarried 18 year old would not even have been allowed to keep her baby.

A private college to do what?

You need to have some kind of fallback plan for when the money runs out, which it will, which means you need some kind of qualification.

A baby is not necessarily the answer, there are other life lines out there.

Well, in all honesty we're not in times gome by anymore. And I work in a Steiner Kindergarten, four days a week for 9 hours a day, I am capable of looking after children.

Men leave women single mothers all the time, It may not be easy but it sure isn't impossible.

CatInTheHat2: What are you on about?

Yes, there are indeed other lifelines out there
And you work at a Stenier nursery you say?

Can I just check you were 14 and he was 19 when you first got together? I know its not really relevant but I was just checking. I find it a little strange you'd consider having a baby together but not have a relationship

not single does not equal happy relationship anyway, not in times gone by, and not now!

sorry 15, thought you were 17 for a moment!

Are you an only child?

Hmmmm.

When I was 18 I really, really wanted a baby. In fact before I was 18 I really wanted a baby.
But I didnt have one. A year later I met my future DH and we waited until we felt the time was right to have DD, by which time I was nearly 24.

You can wait and have a baby and feel relieved that you waited, but you cannot unmake a baby once its here. Do you see what I mean?

I'm mostly nervous that you would choose to become a parent with a guy who you dont want a relationship with. What happens when he meets someone else? And wants to commit to her and he has kids with her? Can you honestly say you can trust that he'll stick around and give the same level of commitment to a child he produced with someone he didnt love and care for enough to be with them?