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Original poster

18, single & desperate for a baby?!

82 replies

PrettyCountryGirl · 26/05/2010 18:34

Hello there Mn,
I'm really hoping someone will be able to offer me some advice.. I'm an 18 yo singleton and I'm absoloutley desperate for a baby, I know I have my whole life ahead of me, but I really feel as though I'm ready to share my past and future experiences with a little one. I am aware that having a child is a huge responsibility but ever since I misscarried at 23 weeks when I was in my early teens I have had this constant empty feeling that is becoming even more unberable.

Has anybody got any advice?
Thank you in advance, x

OP posts:
sockythesockpuppet · 27/05/2010 14:52

I thoroughly agree with the OP. About everything, whatever it is.

williewalshsballs · 27/05/2010 14:55

Aaahh steiner nursery eh?
Perhaps you could try here for help.

TedtheDead · 27/05/2010 14:56

Do I know you?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 27/05/2010 14:59

The bottle feeding of lambs happens a lot on farms, whatever your family set up.

heymango · 27/05/2010 15:09

Working in a nursery 4 days a week is not the same as having a baby, and it's worrying that you think it would be.

I'm so sorry for your loss but having a baby is not going to fill that void. It's very hard, relentless work and will grind you down even further.

Wait a few years, have some fun in your life, be properly independent, settle down in a real relationship and then think about it. I will be easier and more fulfilling.

Trafficcone · 27/05/2010 15:25

I'm now begining to hear tripp trapp, tripp trapp noises....

Hullygully · 27/05/2010 15:27

I've got one for sale if you like. Quite nice condition, only slightly used.

mathanxiety · 27/05/2010 15:35

So you suffered sexual abuse, you also seem to have been used as a substitute parent to your younger brother by your parents who were much too busy to be parents to him themselves, you had a miscarriage in your early teens (were you pregnant as a result of the abuse or the relationship with W?)...

You have been to counselling and you have a job and a backup income/ trust fund. You have a place in a college whenever you want to take it up.

You've finished school. You're at a crossroads of sorts even though you have a part time job.

And instead of trying the uncharted waters of the college and your young adulthood, you are contemplating reverting to the pattern of your childhood where you were effectively the parent of your young brother, doing things your parents should have done. You are settling for the familiar for some reason -- you are even working right now with young children, so that's not so different from being a parentified child either.

Are you trying to recreate experiences from your past by having an actual baby of your own because of fear of the new and the different (college, adult life, choices to make about your direction in life) or to resolve the huge conflicts that being cast in the role of parent must have caused you when you were too young to take it on?

Please go back to therapy, and get a really good therapist this time. There is far too much damage in your past and by all indications it has not been resloved at all. When someone keeps on recreating challenges, they are stuck.

I think having a baby now might seem attractive to you because it forecloses your options for the future.

WickedWitchSouthWest · 27/05/2010 16:41

What mathanxiety says. You're too scared of what you could become so you're reverting to your comfort zone. Please go and get some decent help and enjoy being a young adult - it really is a time you won't get again!

pmsl @ hully

EleanorHandbasket · 27/05/2010 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wannaBe · 27/05/2010 17:33

so we have -

teen, single parents, having babies with fuck buddy, private colleges, rich parents who can provide own house/car, and steiner education.

Are there any more issues of contention that could be crammed into this one thread?

booyhoo · 27/05/2010 17:44

PCG

this is most probably not for me to say but form what you have posted i truly think you are not in a good position to be creating a life.

  1. you have lost a baby and you dont seem to have dealt with that properly. while it is true to say you will never get over that loss, you will come to a stage where you feel as though you have accepted it and grieved.

  2. you say you are having counselling for other issues, and you also mention abuse. these need to be dealt with before you even think of having a family. a child deserves to have a stable parent.

3)the baby you lost cannot be replaced with anotehr one. it was your first baby and will always be that.

  1. any child deserves to be wanted for being itself and not as a replacement for a dead sibling. it is just not right to have a baby for that reason

  2. once you have a child, you are mum forever. there is no break, there is no turning back the clock. you will have to put your baby first for the rest of your life.

my advice to you would be to deal with all your issues, no matter how long that takes, you need to do this for you, not so you can have a baby. and start living. you are 18, make lots of friends, get yourself a career or and education, start buliding a nest for your eventual family. you will feel much more ready for a family when you have done all the living you want to do and built up a bit of financial security.

BritFish · 27/05/2010 17:58

OP, why dont you do the college thing before you have a child? it will be so hard after the baby is born, why not make it easier on yourself by going to college first? you'll meet new people, maybe find a lovely guy that you can settle down in a stable relationship with, and once you've got all the college stuff done and prepared yourself for a lifetime of supporting this baby, then think about having one?
you may have experience of children but you need to experience life being a teenager, being a young adult, being yourself first!

Drivermamsstorytrain · 27/05/2010 18:05

I don't intend on being rude here however you are 18. Should you chose to have a child( a child and not a baby- they don't stay babies long love) then you will be responsible for them until they are 18. Minimum. Thats your entire lifespan. Think back over your life so far and how much time has past and whether you are really ready to spend that amount of time out of the spotlight. When you are a parent you become the frame, no longer the picture. Which is wonderful and fulfilling, but ideally not until you have spent enough time in the picture, if you see what i mean. As a previous poster said you can't unmake a child. Don't risk losing a lot of your potential life experience and worse then to perhaps regret/resent your child for that loss.

LilQueenie · 27/05/2010 18:11

FGS just because her family is well off does not make her spoiled! She is earning, if it was basically scrounging off parents you made have had a point.

minipie · 27/05/2010 18:15

"When you are a parent you become the frame, no longer the picture. Which is wonderful and fulfilling, but ideally not until you have spent enough time in the picture, if you see what i mean."

Drivermams - just wanted to say thanks for this, this sums up exactly why I am currently dithering about having kids! Think I'll be ready in a year or two but not yet...

seashore · 27/05/2010 18:18

You really do need more life experience to take on raising a child. When I look back at myself at 18 I realise I was an idiot in so many ways. I'm not generalising, I am actually a very bright intelligent person, I got a college place in an extremely difficult college to get into, I am a talanted artist, but I was still an idiot! That is just the nature of being a teenager.

And tbh I think the teen years continue well into your twenties, I think people mature at about 26/27.

And even then there is a huge difference by 29/30.

All I'm saying is if you want to give your child the best chance in life then wait.

Wait until you are more mature, even 24 would be so much better then 18.

18 is all about you, that's natural, it's just the way it is at that age, so try and make sure you are not inclined to do this meet your needs, that would be very selfish.

When you have a baby, it is all about the baby and then child, for the next 20 years.

I've yet to meet someone who had a baby at that young age and didn't regret it and feel that they should have waited.

booyhoo · 27/05/2010 18:26

i had ds1 at 19 and thought i was more than ready. whilst i would never turn back the clock because we all love him and he is our lives. i know now what people say when tehy tell you to wait.

i have friends who can go on holiday whenever they want, tehy can go out for the night at the drop of a hat, they can give up their job if they dont like it because no one depends on them for the wage. they can spend all their money on hair and make-up and clothes and jewellery.

what i am saying is, they can be totally selfish and dont have to answer to anyone or arrange babysitters, childcare, school-runs, summer holiday care etc. they can do whatever they want to do with their lives because they are only responsible for themselves. and at 18, that is just how it should be.

mathanxiety · 27/05/2010 18:26

I don't think PCG has spent nearly enough time, if she has spent any at all, as the picture. She has been the frame (great analogy there DMST) while she was sexually abused, while her parents cast her as the nanny, and even while pregnant in her early teens (still don't know if this was due to the abuse or to a relationship, but if she was under age then she was abused anyway, legally-speaking).

I hope you'll be brave enough to risk future life experiences, and situations that put you front and centre in your own life, and all the joys and sorrows that come with that decision. I hope you'll have the strength to embrace yourself and your life, which I don't think anyone in your life has ever taught you to do, instead of basically hoping for self-annihilation, which is what remaining mired in the patterns of the past would mean past, PCG. Try to break free -- get a therapist to examine the element of fear in your circumstances.

MathsMadMummy · 27/05/2010 18:54

oh dear I guess in a few I'll end up regretting having my lovely babies then!

MathsMadMummy · 27/05/2010 18:55

oops. a few years obviously.

clearly my typing skills have not matured yet.

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 27/05/2010 18:57

If you really want to have a child to give it the best life you can don't have one yet.

If this is real.

booyhoo · 27/05/2010 19:16

mathsmad, if that is in refernce to my post then i wasn't implying that everyone who has children young will regret them.

it was only based on how i feel about having my dc young.

slushy06 · 27/05/2010 19:24

I was 18 having ds after a fairly similar life to you not quite as bad but some of it similar. I am 22 now have two dc I love my life I am a successful mother in most senses of the word I have a mortgage and my dc lead a fairly good life I am not perfect but on the scale I think I am a good mum.

However my story of being young mum is rare and there are more negative stories than positive. I could not have done any of these things without my very stable loving supportive dp who has a degree a good job and a stable relationship. I can honestly say without dp I would not have been as good a mum(though I know some women make better mums). Being both young and single would have made life very hard.

I lost all my friends and so therefore I am alone other than dp which is why I need him and his support. By all means have a baby but if you are as responsible as you say you are and truly ready for the responsibility then you wont have a baby until you are in a happy, loving stable relationship and a good home to bring your child up in someone to share both the ups and downs with. Good luck whatever you decide.

DeFluffy · 27/05/2010 19:24

You seem very selfish I'm afraid. You've said what's in it for you but what about the poor baby/child. There only to fulfil your need? No stable relationship? No home of your own I assume, no qualifications? People do split up yes, I am divorced from the father of my daughter, accidents also happen. But to choose a non-stable (non existant) relationship for your child, how is that fair on your child?

And at 18 you know nothing. Get some ambition. Train. Become a pilot, a teacher, an accountant, travel the world, volunteer for charities at home or abroad, lie on a beach in Goa, start your own business, do something but do not have a baby.

And if you are Extended, get your sick kicks elsewhere.