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Original poster

Emmsy's weebles - enjoying comfort, support and mini eggs, onwards and upwards!

993 replies

VJay · 22/03/2010 13:12

A new home ladies! Tis the season for mini eggs , time for baby neeko to arrive, and more BFP's, oh and mls joining the bigpant bench

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monkeybumsmum · 28/04/2010 19:56

Girls, thank you so much. I just feel like my heart is breaking all over again. I haven't told my dad what the lady rang for - I can't get the words out. I managed to tell dh when he got home, and he gave me a massive hug.
I feel like I've let my boy down. I really wanted to be there for the funeral, but dh felt so strongly that he couldn't, but said if I wanted to go he would come with me. I couldn't have put him through that, and so we decided not to go and the lady said she would ring when it's been done.
I feel awful that I wasn't there, my poor little boy being buried alone. What kind of mother does that make me, letting that happen without me being there for him.
The star with the date he arrived will be ready on Friday, so I'll collect it next week and go to the garden. I am desperate to go.
Thanks so much for all your kind words, it does help, so much. You are all lovely xxx

monkeybumsmum · 28/04/2010 20:00

Curly, you even got a smile out of me! I make up silly names for those close to me, always have done... Never called mum and dad that, they were always something like martlebum or popsicle - ended up Mar and Pop. These names just come pouring out even when I'm at work with the kids, which is rather embarassing! Monkeybum is one of the many for ds, poor boy and he was absolutely being a little monkey on the day I signed up!

monkeybumsmum · 28/04/2010 20:02

Mind you he's always a monkey, but a gorgeous one. He's upstairs in bed singing to his cow Moo-Moo as I type

Original poster
VJay · 28/04/2010 20:02

monkey you will always be there for him, always, and you haven't let him down. He has got you, dh, ds, your dad and all of us thinking of him too. I like the thought of him up there, all our lo's together. It will be good to go to the garden, and just spend some time there.
Can dh tell your dad what's happened today? I expect he's worried about you.

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BlueMoon1981 · 28/04/2010 20:06

monkey you will always be with him, whether in person or not, you didnt need to be there to show him how much you love him. i am actually sneaking a few tears cuz its just so sad

CurlyBigPants · 28/04/2010 20:07

monkey you were there for him. You gave birth to him my lovely. I have tears streaming down my face thinking of all the love you have shown for your little angel. Funerals are not for those who have gone, they are for the living. You are a wonderful mum, and don't ever forget it. When you feel ready you and your family can go visit your little boys star xxx

monkeybumsmum · 28/04/2010 20:08

It's really strange VJay but I feel like I don't want him knowing. From the minute we were told about the star garden I have mostly kept it to myself, I'm not sure why. This just feels so private. I don't want to ever have to take anyone there, it's something I need to do on my own, and I know dh will never want to go. It's not like me to feel like this at all.

CurlyBigPants · 28/04/2010 20:09

Monkeysbum sounds adorable monkey. I love how kids come up with names like moo moo

monkeybumsmum · 28/04/2010 20:13

Curly It's the first cuddly toy he's ever shown any interest in, and has to go to bed with it every night. You are right about the funeral, I suppose the most important thing was that I got to see him and talk to him.

Moon I feel like he's always with me, I suppose we all do about our lost ones. It's a comforting thought.

bluesatinsash · 28/04/2010 20:15

"Funerals are not for those who have gone, they are for the living" that's so true curly. monkey - don't you think for one second that your didn't love your lost boy with every ounce of love you had, he knows that. I really hope picking up the star with his birth date, having something tangeable to focus on and visiting the garden brings you some stillness for the time you are there at least.

I would love your DS to meet my DS1 - they would get on like a house on fire .

Hi Vjay, Curly and Moon - I've brought my hot chocolate. I only have chocolate on days ending in a 'y'...

Original poster
VJay · 28/04/2010 20:17

monkey that's absolutly fine, it is very private and still too soon after it's happened. I know after my mc's I felt very private about it all, apart from on here, but as time went on I was able to open up a bit. You don't ever have to take anyone there if you don't want to. For me, it was like sharing it all would make the whole situation seem belittled, and I didn't want that. It was a huge deal to me as it is for you, does that make sense?

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GracieGirl · 28/04/2010 20:18

I'm here too Monkey. Sorry not been around much, DH has been working really long hours - leaving at 6am and not getting home till 10-11pm some nights so not had time to post. I do lurk though as I can do that whilst feeding Isabelle, just can't reach to type.

Curly i think I need to learn more about this baby whisperer stuff, Isabelle just doesn't like naps during the day unless I feed her to sleep and then hold her whilst she sleeps.

Yes Barbie we all have bad days!!!!

Original poster
VJay · 28/04/2010 20:18

blue I had to think then, days ending in 'Y', it's the rum

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monkeybumsmum · 28/04/2010 20:22

Makes perfect sense VJay, that just about sums up how I feel.

Blue As much as I'm dreading having to pick up the star, take it along to the garden and talk to the people there, I just feel such a strong urge to go. I really hope it will help, and knowing that I can visit any time makes me feel a bit better.
I would love our boys to meet too That would be lovely.

GracieGirl · 28/04/2010 20:24

4ever I forgot - a poo story for you and your DH. I had warned DH that Isabelle's poos have been a bit violent lately. But a few days ago as he reached to pick something up whilst changing her she kicked away the nappy and pooed all up the wall, on the carpet, a chest of drawers and down DH's t-shirt!! My DH stood there stunned and wasn't ready for the 2nd wave which hit a neatly folded pile of clean washing! oops!

monkeybumsmum · 28/04/2010 20:24

VJay

I feel a bit better now for having got it all out. I hope you all realise how wonderful you are

Am just going upstairs to start packing for tomorrow but will be back soon x

ps Hi Gracie

GracieGirl · 28/04/2010 20:27

Monkey I so know what you mean about silly names for people I never call my DH or DD by their real names - I doubt my DD knows what her real name is!

Original poster
VJay · 28/04/2010 20:27

gracie that is some poo story , who does she take after with a bottom like that?

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bluesatinsash · 28/04/2010 20:32

That's really comforting to know you can visit the garden at any time. Knowing you can go there and talk to your lost boy can only be a good thing in terms of you getting stronger x

My friend/colleague used to be Head of Midwifery at our healthboard and would tell me about ladies who lost their babies 40/50 years ago from mc to stillbirths and how they never had the chance to grieve properly. She instigated holding a once a year ceremony for them to come to, not sure how it was publicised but they get a huge turnout every year with woman of all ages attending to remember and be still for their lost little ones.

Vjay - well done on your mark by the way . We are coming oop north in June actually. Renting a summer house in Aviemore for a week from 11th. Its not far from you we could do lunch with boys? You could come to us even on the Sat/Sun? Have a think.

bluesatinsash · 28/04/2010 20:35

Gracie - what have you been eating ?!!! did you have to hose your DH down?!

GracieGirl · 28/04/2010 20:35

No idea Vjay!! Its not me!

I've got a top tip (which I wish some relative could have passed to me instead of the usual useless baby tips) - Sunlight bleaches out baby poo stains!! I found this out by hanging out Isabelle's washing the other day and as usual the non-bio washing liquid hadn't done much for the poo stains, I'd planned to try stain remover on next wash. I then got busy and left the washing out all day. At 9pm the washing was clean!! I thought I was going mad!

GracieGirl · 28/04/2010 20:43

Monkey It is lovely that they have a special garden for your DS. I agree that its a private place just for you, but like Blue says it must be comforting to know you can visit at any time.

Gracie's good deed of the week - I'm donating spare breast milk to the Neonatal Intensive Care unit. I've been expressing 2-3 times a day since the 6 week growth spurt and had a freezer full of milk that Isabelle won't drink as she hates bottles. I figured there wasn't much point freezing anymore for her so its now being put to good use. Here's a link for anyone who's interested.

Original poster
VJay · 28/04/2010 20:43

blue that sounds like a good idea, I don't want to impose on your holiday, but would love to meet up . Aviemore is only a 45 minute drive from me, fabulous!!!

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Original poster
VJay · 28/04/2010 20:46

gracie that's a great idea

DH has just phoned me to tell me he's on his way home, he has then chatted to me about his day, but I wasn't listening I was reading on here

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bluesatinsash · 28/04/2010 20:55

Vjay - I am queen of not really listening to DH when he pops in to see me while I'm on here . You wouldn't be infringing on us at all so we'll deffy get a lunch organised. DS1 is getting a bike for his b'day (6th June) - does your DS1 have one?

Gracie - what a lovely thing to do, well done you, you should be mighty proud. Will have a read at link. I've started expressing again to try and move 'operation bottle' on a bit. Starting to think I might continue BF even after I go back to work in July. Only doing 2 days a week and B will be on solids by then so hoping he will only need a wee morning and night time fix. BUT really want by boobs and body back too at some point ...

Vjay - you touched earlier that you were a bit emotional post-weaning. My good friend was the same and I think its really common, especially when its your last baby.. My sister BF her youngest until she was 15 months!

Hope the packing is going OK monkey