30s TTC - We BESH you a Merry Jizzmas and a droid-free new year!

[CurlyCasper]

Come in, come in. The wine is mulling, the bird is stuffed and cooked. We have a huge table at which to enjoy our festive feast, and the rippling Ricky Whittle is the centrepiece, draped in berries to be removed by whatever method you choose.

A bottle of Gin and an elf-man in a box awaits each and every one of you. Just make your wish and when you undo the bow he will appear.

There's a nativity tableau in the corner, for praying to the baybee Jebus and, most importantly of all, Santa has been asked to deliver the gift of exceptional fertility, so that each and every BESH can enter the new year with a baybeeee in their tum tum.

Oh, and I've let a few cats in to aid with the 2WOOFL menkulness.

Now, let's get together and get the tree up!

Oh bollocks to the holier than thou crowd. We have raspberry martinis and raspberry champagne cocktails here. And no judgey pants. Having gone to see what the problem was, I think I'd feel the same way as you Bessie.

thanks Muser. I heart you BESHes.

pmsl at "no judgey pants"

Yeah ok, I'm just hiding my judgey pants. But I save it for people who deserve it. I have no idea why everyone is being so mean on that thread. It's not like you kicked a kitten.

Dammit - who left the door open? Honey's escaped again.

heh. Did you see my thread recently? We are a clique. Cool.

Hey, there's a Butter Dish thread!

Linky to clique pls! I prefer coven though.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/884956-friend-didn-39-t-buy-dd-a-xmas-present

I assume she's referring to BESHes, I don't know what else...

I am satan's spawn, apparently.

VAG did you honestly think you could shake me off with your BESHy witticisms? No sireee, I am back with a post Christmas lardass - 4 more kilos on board and no baybee.

I have been in festive hell for last three weeks mainly in a food induced coma and reruns of DH's Doctor Who on Sky+ and therefore too depressed and fatigued to log on to the world wide intraweb. All relatives have since fucked off and I am trying to wean myself off the brandy and cope with fact I have to work next week.

Hoping to be shagalicious this week, but I think my expandable waist is putting Mr Honey off frankly.

ahhh - I missed that comment, thought it was going to be on another thread.

Stalker alert!

Right - off homeski now - not here tomorrow so will chat again to you lovely ladies next year! Ciao!

Hooray honey delurked!

Bessie I don't think at all she's referring to BESHies.

honeymoo If you fancy kilo horror - get on a fucking Wii weighing mat thing - I got on last night and it actually came in at a whopping SEVEN kilos (!!) heavier than the last time I weighed myself approx ten days ago. I went to bed like this. Got on my bathroom scales and it's BAU - 1kg down. Wtf is that about?

Wii weighy things vary hugely depending on where on the floor you put them down. Also weight fluctuates madly during the day. I am much heavier at the end of the day then at the beginning.

Oooh Muser good to know - I'll blame the carpet/board. Yeh, I weigh more at the end of the day - but not 16lbs more! I don't know why I didn't look at the problem logically, because of course had I done so I'd have realised it's not possible to put on over a stone in just over a week without bursting out of clothes!

I daren't get on our scales. I know it's bad as a muffin top would be a nice way of describing what is currently sticking out of my jeans. I feel like a chav in severe self denial. Have bought running world magazine and new dog to kick start 2010 health regime and pretend have hairy baybee.

Beshie, I think you are defo NBU about all that shebazzle. Would defo have been rightly p'd off at friend being happy to get a gift for her DS but not reciprocate. She knows that if you say 'so where's DD's pressie then, beyatch?' you will look grasping and U. She prolly thinks her PFB is the christchild and deserves gifts off everyone but no-one else's kid matters. I'm always amazed by how people think others are BU just to expect the same simple courtesies back off others that they themselves manage to maintain! Arseholes.

Talking of AIBU, am I BU to expect MIL to even think about cooking something I could eat? Okay, so my allergies must be a PITA (they are to me), but surely she could do something for me? She is making a turkey pie for everyone else and doing some sort of veg in creamy sauce thing to accompany - not even a pretence of trying to make something I can eat. Not that I would eat 5-day old turkey pie (AIBU in my obsession in not eating cooked meat any older than 2 days (or possibly 3 if turkey or beef)?), but COME ON! It's not that I'm salivating at the thought of her cooking (unless said salivating is initial sign of copious vomiting) but surely she could spare me a thought? My Mum has insisted on cooking TWO separate favourite meals to put in our fridge for our return tomorrow and if people stay over, she would ask people what they like and cook stuff according to dietary requirements and so on, even if that meant doing 2 dishes or more. Cos we're in the back of beyond, I will now have to eat tomorrow's breakfast and then have nowt in the morning - she has an obsession with having loads of eggs but not using them, so will have to go crazy and have an omelette and propriety be damned!

Sorry, but you cannot believe how shite this all is. Sadly the Gran is not comedy senile. She was a Headmistress and all-round cowbag (apparently) and barks insults and questions at you as though you're a cretin.

Still, we escaped to our room for fab non-SWI sexings this avo, so am happy. Not to mention trembly-legged

Camel, you are right - nothing is more homo-erotic than LOTR. Frodo and Samwe in particular are so GHEY for each other it's embarrassing. Obsessed with rings (hurhur) and always unsheathing their swords and all that. Dirty boys.

I WILL BE HOME THIS TIME TOMORROW! I CAN SWEAR LIKE TOURETTE'S JOHN IN MY NICE CLEAN FLAT AND EAT FOOD WITH ACTUAL FLAVOUR AND NOT HAVE TO SIT THROUGH 20 HOURS A DAY OF BEATLES ROCKBAND Vs THE ARCHERS!

Still, it's not all doom and gloom - her shit food and hygiene have played havoc with my bowels. Good luck getting those skids off the porcelain, Missus!

(TMI? Ahem!)

New dog? Please furnish us with doggy details! wildfig gave us loads of dog details the other night and then deleted her post which I'm still very confused about.

We had a dog disaster last night and I was just too tired to be angry about it. We got new carpet laid on Monday. Yesterday jailbait fed them and took them about about 19:30. Just sat there watching the idiot box when big dog whom I've had for 8 years and has never done anything like this before... just walked up to me, squatted and pissed a bucket on the floor! She's normally soooo good but when she's bad she's mega-bad, e.g., chasing dugs a mile. I really hope this was just a one-off and not a tantrum because I'm pregnant.

Scorps Is there any chance you could actually help in the kitchen? i.e., stop "grasping" and actually cook a meal which everyone could eat? You know, actually find a practical solution where everyone will benefit?

Bessie Sorry, but I do think yabu and I think it's really distasteful to put a monetary value upon your friendship - your daughter is not the centre of everyone else's world.

dugs = ducks

Ski Could it be hormones making you smell funny I wonder?

We are getting a cocker spaniel (hubba bit concerned he will look well girly walking it, but he can choose the next one say I). Breeder recommended getting a boy to save on dog PMT troubles. Am preparing myself for imminent onslaught of poo and wee, but usefully we have a large kitchen and no carpet anywhere downstairs. Am in the process of training husband to train dog while I am at work. He works (surfs internet) from home most days so he will be pack leader (he likes this bit). Am actually learning alot from dog psychology books and successfully applying it to husband.

ski I thought you were just being Scottish and talking about dogs

My you wimminz have been chatting loads today. Meanwhile I have willingly returned to the ILs (with MIL checking one what I will/won't eat - now feel very blessed), had a pub lunch and been to the shops with SIL, and bought more of The Best Pants In The World. Good times

Scorps 5 day old turkey surely contravenes the Basic Food Hygiene Certificate you have to do in year 11, n'est pas? Sling that in the old hags face after a post prandial copious loud vomming session. You won't be getting it next year I guarantee.

Curly pray tell of the Best Pants? I have a Spanx all over body suit to roll over my arse tomorrow night (in order to impress size 8 hostess/goddess who only just squeezed out her sprog 7 months ago)