Emmsys Onwards & Upwards part VII - hand-holders and hair-strokers welcome!

[cupcakefairy]

Shiny new thread for us

The race is on for the first BFP!

Jools you might find this interesting. This is why I suggested asking your doctor for day 21 blood tests. I has day 21 blood tests a few months ago as I always had spotting a week before my period. If your hormones were out of kilter then it could explain your recent spotting & out of character teariness. I'm taking B6, low dose aspirin & progesterone suppositories so only time will tell if they work for me. [hopeful emoticon]

MLS I hope you managed to get some sleep at some point, between all that pacing around.

I'm off to my Mums as family are up from Plymouth for the day.

hi all

sorry ive not been on for ages . i went to do my nights but ended up with a drip and sent home . ive not been able to eat much and feel rubbish so back to docs on monday my boss is going to hate me xxx

Hey there girls. I had a sterling plan to catch up properly on the last two weeks and post to every single one of you but I keep putting it off cos you chat too much and I think I need half a day to write to you all. I have read all your posts though and I can see it's been an emotional roller coaster

So if no-one minds I shall just sneak in pretend I've been here all along

I just wanted to say one a few things about the discussions on how we manage the different stages people are at on this thread. It makes me remember back to when we started this thread because much as we understood what people were going through on the MC thread and wanted to help, it was hard to move on to ttc with all the constant reminders of what we had lost.

This thread is for onwards and upwards, and while some of us are lucky enough to be a bit more onwards and upwards than others, I think that we have a bond that doesn't exist with RL friends. So it would break my heart for us not to continue this journey together. This is a conception thread though so maybe we need to focus on that a little more. Having said all that, I know it meant the world to me that VJ and others stuck around before I got my bfp. It's lovely as well to have people a little bit ahead of you in the journey to ease your worries when you go through the same thing. Like I've been so stressing about not keeping food down at 16 weeks (totally feel for you kate, but a few words from MM has made me feel a lot better )

I really cried reading 4evers, jools and iggys posts (and the wonderful brave mermaid but for different reasons) and wish I could give you the most massive hugs. I'd do anything to speed up that moment of when you hold your little ones in your arms xxxx

So enough of my babbling on... to the smallpanters, let's focus on fun distractions (while sneakily getting you up the duff ) To the medium panters, hang in there (intrigued by that belly band neeko) and to the lovely bigpanters, do ya mind if I join you?

And I know I'm not posting to everyone but just wanted to say a massive congrats to MLS, I really am so made up for you

And maybe I could just sneak a hug to Moon who must be TTC'ing now (well maybe not right now - I sound like a bit of a perv ) and to the lovely cupcake whose posts I miss even when I'm only lurking occasionally

big waves to everyone else. I suppose I best make the leap now and update the list C'mon barbie lets make room for all those bfps we'll be seeing over the next couple of months

Small pants

4ever ttc#1 cd 29
gingermumi ttc#4 cd 25
cupcake ttc#1 CD 15
bakingqueen ttc#1 cd 26
iggypiggy ttc#1 cd 6
Jools ttc#1 cd 6
Mermaid ttc#2 cd ?
Bluemoon ttc ? cd ?
Sophable ttc#2 cd ?

Medium pants

MLS BFP 18th August
MrsKate BFP 26th July
Neeko BFP 19th July
becks BFP 8th June
Barbie BFP 6th June

Big pants

VJay bigpants due 26/08/09
Lionstarbigpants due 26/09/09
Sabsbigpants due 26/09/09
Anniebigpants due 1/12/09
Buddhabelly due 16/12/09
Bluesatinsash due 25/12/09
Scorpio due 25/12/09
mm1509 due 5/1/10
GracieGirl 06/02/10
Curly due 07/02/10

nicely put curly and welcome to the big panters

Well I have had an emotional day today. I have been quite a cow for about 18 months now, pushing people away, not wanting to socialise and finding it very difficult to be around poeple and social situations. I feel guilty when I do this too, so I had a long hard think and have realised it all started after my first miscarriage, I have not been myself since then. On the one point it's made me stronger but on another I feel I still want to hide. I'm hoping that when baby arrives and my hormones finally settle doew that normality will resume, in the meantime I am going to try and make an effort with people. I hate the way I am sometimes and this is when I feel so guilty, so it has to stop.
Does this make much sense?

Thanks for 'listening', you lot keep me just about sane

hi vjay and curly ...and everyone else of course

vjay i understand you completly, i found i am still very bitter and can be insanely jealous still, both are traits i wish i didnt have. These both started i believe after mc and got worse as the time went on and i wasnt pregnant. Its not gone away because im still not confident about this pregnancy, sad but true i dont think i will quite believe it until like you i have a baby with me.
Hopefully it will ease for the both of us....you are such a lovely person that its hard not to want to be around you! Take it easy though, concentrate on the lo when he finally arrives slowly slowy catch a monkey as dh maltese grandma would say!!!

curly lovely post too....big pants eh? nope still in my chicken costume, just 10 more days and ill move, i promise.

Well ive had a nice afternoon....a shag and then mac donalds but before you all go and think ive turned potty mouthed the shag im referring too is a haircut! ....finally got around to a cut and colour and it feels great, although didnt go as dark as i wanted as the hairdresser advised against a full head colour in case my hormones meant it didnt take.

My tummy pains are bad, nerly called the doctor but been advised that its normal...

mrskate hope you feel better soon, sounds like a nice strong bean!

thanks barbie, your words have bought happy grateful tears to my eyes . I didn't used to be such a bitter cow, but I have had three pregnancies in the last 18 months and the 'horrormones' have certainly not helped me in that sense.
See ladies that is why this thread is so good, we are not alone

VJ lovely lady, I know what you mean. I've sorta lost the fun person I used to be. We lose a little each time I think. Hopefully the arrival of Optimus Prime will be the perfect time for you get back to how you were (only different ) as you will have a wonderful to get out there and show off your new bundle of joy that's once you get over the sleepless nights and the urge never to go out again

Barbie your 'shag' brought me right back to when I went into my mum's hairdressers age 14 and asked for a shag I meant a shaggy perm but you should have seen his face Never went back!

curly optimus prime still makes me laugh

I can't even remember who came up with it but it's priceless

it's been such an amazing day in london - 27 degrees. What's the weather like in Scotland?

Cloudy, windy, rainy, a typical summers day up here

Nice!! Sorry shouldn't have asked VJ

wondering how mrskate is doing? going on a drip doesn't sound good hope you are taking it easy today and keeping something down xxx

just passing through...AF got me yesterday, so here's to a September BFP and a lovely summer baby

Morning Hoping! I'm sorry AF got you, fingers crossed for a BFP in September.

Waves to Cupcake if you're lurking.

Vjay I so understand what you say, I think perhaps we're all as bad. that's why its so good we all have each other.

I'm so glad this thread has stayed together, I remember the reasons we first set up the onwards and upwards thread. I remember on the miscarriage thread that I felt bad for having good days when others weren't and I remember how difficult it was for people when they first got another BFP and were scared out of their wits but couldn't get any support on the thread but daren't leave it for fear of having to return again.

There really is no where else where people understand that I'm still scared at 16 weeks, and no where else where you'll understand how grumpy I'm going to be a week on thursday when I'm sad that I should have been giving birth. The rest of the world think I should forget that baby now I'm growing another.

I'm just off to the midwife for my 16 week appointment. Back later.

Hey all! Nice to see normality is resumed!

Hoping sorry she got ya but you sound like you are on top of it & have a great attitude I shall adopt next time i get a BFN!

Gracie you summed it up, we hadnt started this thread yet when I was pg in jan & felt a bit wrong posting on a MC thread when was pg, I left for conception site & next day scan showed no heartbeat again.. Thought id jinxed it, so was v pleased when onwards & upwards started.. I will hold your hand next thurs on your edd & shed a tear with you, will you hold mine the next tues (8th)? Maybe its healthy its the 1st edd Iv not been pg again by. Maybe its good to get final closure at last before moving on. On a brighter note Hope you had a nice day with family yest? They must all know your preggers now so Im sure you were able to be queen of sheba & have everyone run round after you! If not, why not?!?! Great news about DH job!! Also, is Mrskate ok? Good luck at midwifes! 16 wks xx

Vjay we need optimus to arrive for a true celebration on here! I know me & Mermaid always talked of being in 'optimus prime condition' for succesful ttc! (still waiting ) Hope u feelin ok, interesting to read you're still pretty wobbly even right up to arrival of lo.. I also subconsciously locked off & avoided too much social occasions eversince.. Been in bubble with DH. Think its coping mechanism.. All will be right when lo is here in next few days ....more pinapples & curry for you!

Jools hey sweetie, hope you're not crashing to bad, with you all the way, will catch up with you later, but back to gym sounds good for some endorphins & adrenylin rushes! Hope you had a nice weekend relaxing achey muscles & chilling in garden.. xx

Iggy same for you sweetheart, the bloody fallout after BFN/AF arrival gets more & more horrific doesnt it? I think its cos after OV & the week before AF due, we dare to hope, & then when hopes get dashed again, its incredibly hard to keep picking yourself up.. Lets all link hands together and pick each other up.. xx

If you are lurking Cupcake have a handsqueeze too.. xxx

Barbie Mcds & shag nearly made me fall off chair! Nice to treat yourself! Big hug for you after other day, you're such a sweetheart.. Not long til your next midwife appt & hope you can start believing you got a sticky one soon & get out of them supertight pants & chicken suit..! Made me you still feel so unconfident, but Id prob be the same.. xx Dh maltese granny v clued up. Love that expression & not heard it for years!

Curlythecalmingwiseone your posts are always so lovely & poignant, I have missed them & you! You hit several nails on the head there... Hope you are not feeling so sicky (but kinda glad you are!). Nice to see you in bigpants! Sorry to make you cry! Glad you are back! xx

Mermaidthelovely how are you today my dear? Hope you had a lovely weekend by the beach, or on the waves in fair winds! xx

MLS congrats again to you! I was also put on aspirin and progestorone pessaries called cyclogest (not supposoteries tho) with last pg in jan, of course my immunity problem wasnt diagnosed at that point but there are alot of good reports on it, so that, along with lost of reassurance scans is proven for a good outcome..!

Mrskate OMG put on a drip?! Is that cos of sicky stuff? Am worried about you, hope you are feeling better now? Im sure Gracie will be popping in at some point to check?

Neeko am also highly intrigued by bellyband! Hope you had a lovely weekend... Bless your DH for melting your heart, simple things eh? xx

Sabs hope you are enjoying your last weeks of leisure! Lots of crap tv & gossip mags/books, pamper sessions & soaks in bath, cos you wont get time to do that again for about a year! That goes for Annie too!

Big hugs & waves also to the very lovely Blue who was so sweet on thurs, as well as the also very lovely MM, oh, and the very lovely Buddha too! xxx

No doubt iv missed someone..? Anyway, once again thank you after my horrendous meltdown on thurs, theres a def pattern. Lazed around on fri til lunch, then went richmond park with dh which was so lovely, chilled rest of w-end so good therapy & had mum round yest for dinner as should be her & dads 35th wedding anniv today.. Anyway, few conclusions reached, gonna tell work this week dont wanna relocate so will remove lots of pressure to get pg & have 'excuse'. Gonna give myself til xmas to get pg before stressing or getting upset its not happened yet. Feel v pleased 'had it out' with ex manager & explained feelings to such great understanding response, also cathartic speakin to friend due on 2nd edd, intend to see her before she loses bump! Realised made it big deal in own head & once confronted, neither were as bad as imagined.. Lastly, im gonna try & stop hanging onto the past. Big heart to heart with dh on thurs after my meltdown, theres a difference between honouring edds, and ripping myself to shreds with what might of beens. Thurs was undoubtedly worse cos of ex man goin on mat leave which should of been me, but it isnt. Why torture myself? If I feel myself going that way Im gonna try my damndest to switch off & stop. It isnt healthy... Shall continue with my massages, next one this week & on fri go spend the night at my nans in worthing & get some sea air with DH! Gonna focus on enjoying time together cos if WHEN our plans come to fruition it will never be just the 2 of us again so it all about quality time & still enjoying our honeymoon period, which we are very lucky to still be in! Thats the best conclusion, my DH still makes me feel like the luckiest girl alive, & for that Im so grateful cos I know not everyone finds their soulmate or true love so gonna remember to enjoy this life I have & be grateful for everything in it...

All good positive stuff for a monday morning! May be lurking a bit more & posting a bit less this week as have lots of work on & must get my head down & focus on all things positive & happy!

Thanks again as always! Lotsa Love & heres to a happy week & the imminent arrival of our first graduate! xxxx

Well 4Ever - I can't manage a lovely epic post like yours - you sound lovely and cheery and it sounds like you have sorted out a lot of "baggage" - all good

I think you have to be in right place emotionally to post big messages to people like that as it makes me cry, so it shows you are feeling better

I had a pretty mixed weekend - wondered if it was just plain depression, but even exercise couldn't stop me crying at the slightest thing Sunday was a bit of a washout as my back was really sore again - not sure if I aggravated it by going back to the gym, even though my osteopath said it would be OK, or it was just the shock of a killer legs bums tums class followed by Spinning ! Went swimming to try and stretch things out on Sunday morning, but was still in pain and fairly immobile so instead of doing all the stuff I wanted to do, I was forced to just sit in the garden - should have been bliss, but I was frustrated, tired from raging insomnia, in pain and lost it a little when DP tried to get me to join him in the pub - it was just too loud and busy and I couldn't cope, so I spent most of yesterday evening sobbing my little heart out, then slept like a baby - feel hungover this morning and can't wake up. A little better emotionally but not much (am welling up now at work)

LIke I think Vjay mentioned, I'm not the person I was before TTC - I hate people, crowds etc and I don't really like what I've become. All the confidence and happiness has been sucked out of me and I don't know where to find it

MLS - this is month 2 of post AF spotting / wierd AF behaviour so I'll keep an eye. If it happens for a 3rd cycle, I'll see my GP as I'm also getting lots of hot flushes - either I'm perimenopausal or my progesterone is still too high as my boobs haven't deflated completely and I still have intermittent mild nausea and an over-keen sense of smell - not dramatic, just what I'd normally feel post ov. Have had teeny bits of brown spotting over the weekend (no more red).

Sorry to hear you are joining me back at the bottom of the list Hoping - you sound OK, so I hope you are coping ?

Just musing on reasons why I don't want to get PG this cycle:

1 - I would be 4+2 when I go on hols with my parents for a week and wouldn't want to tell them, but it would be kinda impossible not to

2 - The EDD would be within 2 days of my longest lasting pregnancy, so I'd be 12 weeks on the anniversary of the worst ever day of my life - really not sure I could cope with all the little milestones, fears and reminders along the way.

Ok, OK, time to shut up and do some work It helps to get it all out, so if you've read this far, well done ! Will be back later in less of a "me" mode - honest

4ever we all torture ourselves and it's does seem to go in cycles, my moods are definatley in cycles...bloody horrormones!!! You sound like you have really though things through, like me, so together we will be more positive and forward thinking.
When I was getting ready to take ds to school today, I gave myself a small talking to that I was going to chat to the ohter mums, or at least give a friendly smile, rather than stand in the background. Small steps, but I came away feeling fine

So small steps for you too 4ever

gracie the being scared doesn't go away, we all have the 'normal' pg worries plus added ones because of what we've all been through, but you're right, others just don't get it! Hope your MW appt is going well, I'm seeing mine tomorrow, I'm going to ask for a sweep, but doubt I'll get it until next week.

Hi jools it seems like a lot of us have changed since having miscarriages, while it's not nice, it's comforting to know we are not alone. I just hadn't realised, or wanted to aknowledge just how much I have changed.

Talking of milestones, there are several in pregnancy like reaching 12 weeks, then 16 week bloods, then 24 weeks viability etc, plus we all have EDD's and losses to contend with, it is so very hard to deal with it all, it's a lot of pressure, and 4ever and jools you have a lot more than some, you are both on a very rocky roller coaster. You both need to be very kind to yourselves and remember none of this is your fault, you have been given a tough journey, but if you weren't up to it you wouldn't be on it....stay strong you strong lovely ladies

4ever of course I'll hold your hand on the 8th. I remember you leaving the miscarriage thread and returning the next day in the few days before my MC.

MrsKate well done for getting signed off for a week. Stop worrying about what people at work think!!! Your boss will not be mad, its me who gets the job of finding someone to cover your shifts, and I'm just glad you're at home with your feet up concentrating on growing your Bean.

hi girls

thanks for the messages

feeling better but still struggling to eat .glad i dont have to worry about work xxx

mrskate you take it easy and look after your wee bean

Hello my lovelies
It's my weekly catch-up night, which I do so look forward to. It is definitely doing me good to only read once a week at the moment so I won't be back properly just yet. Really really feel for Moon at the moment, does anyone have personal email for her they could text/email me? Would really like to send her a few words.

Vjay I can't believe Optimus is keeping you hanging on, you poor love. Sending labour vibes and sooo excited to hear your news.

MLS congratulations, such good news and I hope your medicine cabinet full of drugs will keep lo clutching on!

Curly and Gracie made me smile so much to see you both on that big pants list, congratulations.

Hoping, weeble , iggy, baking, jools my fellow small panters, massive hugs to you all. I'm still here holding your hands.

Sorry I'm not saying hi to everyone personally otherwise this would be MAMMOTH but I honestly do love you all and just think you're so very special.

I am doing a bit better. Haven't cried for 4 days, and had a fab time at a hen party weekend just gone. Punting while drinking lots of wine! Work situation all a bit more positive too as have the possibility of some part-time work til Christmas while I write...was freaking me out massively slightly that I'd be unemployed. Thursday is my last day DH has been a godsend, I could really burst I love and owe him so much.

Little list update as I was a day out (af got me evening so didn't count day 1 until next day)...and this wouldn't be a cupcake post without a list update now would it!

Small pants

4ever ttc#1 cd 30
gingermumi ttc#4 cd 26
cupcake ttc#1 cd 15
bakingqueen ttc#1 cd 7
iggypiggy ttc#1 cd 7
Jools ttc#1 cd 7
Bluemoon
Sophable

Medium pants

MLS BFP 18th August
MrsKate BFP 26th July
Neeko BFP 19th July
becks BFP 8th June
Barbie BFP 6th June

Big pants

VJaybigpants due 26/08/09
Lionstarbigpants due 26/09/09
Sabsbigpants due 26/09/09
Anniebigpants due 1/12/09
Buddhabelly due 16/12/09
Bluesatinsash due 25/12/09
Scorpio due 25/12/09
mm1509 due 5/1/10
GracieGirl due 06/02/10
Curly due 07/02/10

Oh and meant to say, I bought this book last week and have to recommend it to you all, it is bloody brilliant.

Natural ways to aid all sorts of cycle problems like pms, heavy periods, infertility etc, mostly just through diet. Amazing story in there about a woman who had fertility treatments for 14 years, clomid etc, then on this author's recommendation (she's a doctor) cut out sugar and caffeine completely and conceived straight away made me think of you particularly baking. (Hope you are holding up ok by the way.)

Sorry AF got you hoping let's focus on that summer baby for you Are you using opks? I'd really recommend them.

gracie we're going to be scared till these babies come I think. Recently though I've allowed myself moments of feeling 'normal' but DH and I spend most of our time (literally) touching wood. We can't have a conversation about the future without looking frantically around for a tree or table . I'm so sad about your EDD, or course we need to mark it, one baby does not replace another I'll be thinking of you Thursday week.

4ever fantastic lady, I know it's been tough recently and it is lovely to see you sounding upbeat and ready for the future. I'll be thinking of you and your lost angel on the 8th Maybe the fact that this will be the first time that you have not got a bfp on your EDD will make it different this time. Just believe that it will be

jools you poor love, have a huge hug. Your body has been through the wringer recently, and with back problems on top of that no wonder you are fed up. I totally loved your reasons why it's okay not to get pregnant this month though I think you should sign up for a very expensive cooking with blue cheese course just to make sure you definitely get up the duff Here's hoping for a summer baby for you too

vj well done on chatting to the other mums today. I'm so glad you started this conversation. My vow this week is to go to the pub with DH after his footie game Hey, just 4 more days to go. Please please post every day or we'll go into superhyperexcited mode thinking that optimus prime is on his way

mrskate how are you today? there's little that really works but I find that eating really small amounts of bread every couple of hours works for me.

YAY cupcake is back!!!! You made me a bit teary talking about your dh. I feel the same about mine (most of the time ). It's so lovely to have you on MN even if only once a week and I'm so pleased about the job situation and that things are looking up a bit Interesting what you were saying about caffeine and sugar. I gave up caffeine about two months before I got pregnant and don't know if it was related but something worked after waiting since last november for that bfp.

I worry about the lovely moon too. I don't have an email for her unfortunately but hopefully she is lurking and will post soon so that I can give her this massive hug I am storing up for her

big waves and hugs to everyone else xxx

Hi all. Sorry I've not been about much, but work is ridiculously busy and has left me exhausted. I'm thinking of you all often even if I'm not writing it down.

Cupcake lovely to see you and you're clearly winging your way back to your old self (shown in the worry about Moon) although not quite there yet. Hang in there- the cloud is going and sunny weather's on the way.

Vjay speaking of hanging in there, I hope you're ok. This baby will be worth the wait.

Kate Sorry to hear you're so ill. Take care. I'm sending you wishes for a speedy recovery.

4ever Jools Vjay and others. I totally agree on not being the same person after miscarriage. I find it harder to see the funny side of things and I'm quicker to lose my temper. I think what Vjay said "you have been given a tough journey, but if you weren't up to it you wouldn't be on it...." is so true and we'll all get there in time. We may not like who we've become right now, but nothing is static and the strength grown through these horrendous experiences is intended to see us through other challenges. For example, when our los are 18 and announce they want to backpack across Australia or something equally terrifying, we'll remember that life is precious and we fought to give them life. Our instinct will be to keep them close, but our strength will allow us to let them go IYSWIM. The hiding away is self-preservation and will pass in time. Ok, enough of the Neeko philosophy

Curly I'm sure you WERE here all aong but may have been dozing in a corner Well done for being brave and making the move to big pantsville.

Gracie so pleased about your DH's job. You have such a lovely time ahead as you grow to fill your big pants. Hope you heard galloping horses at the midwife today.

Moon If you're lurking, I'm thinking of you. I echo what Cupcake said, please email your details so you can have individual support while you're feeling so wobbly.

Mermaid How are you doing my wise friend? I know you don't really want to think about it but I can't help hoping your knickerless state results in a BFP.

iggy Hope your breath of RL air is doing you good.

Hoping sorry about AF. Good on you for being so positive. Thinking of you.

Bakingqueen Hope the clomid's not driving you crazy and you're coping ok.

annie haven't heard from you in a while. Hope time isn't going too slow and your DS isn't still looking for a refund on the lo due to being the wrong flavour.

sabs have you got your feet up? Won't be long now. Same to Lion Get some rest, girls.

Barbie deep breath and jump. It'll all be fine.

Blue How was Berlin? Still

MLS My rock. One day at a time and we'll get there.

LBM I'll be here on the 1st. I haven't forgotten.

I have my booking in tomorrow which is positive, but Wednesday will make me the same stage as I was when I lost my lo last time (although I didn't know it ) and Friday should have been me stopping for mat leave so I expect a few wobbles this week. Nice to have lovely ladies who understand.

Big waves to MM Buddha sophable nad Gingermummi Hope life is treating you, if not well, then fairly.