Is 39-40 too old for kids?

[Monzo235]

Hi. So I’m a man and don’t know much about this. I’m also 29.

I’ve been dating a 36 year old woman who turns 37 in December for the last 3 months. I’ve been quite concerned about timelines. Up
till now I’ve not even thought that much about kids. It’s something I know I wanted at some point but never considered it that hard. But as she’s 36. I feel pressure to get moving now.

She doesn’t seem as worried about timelines as I do. She says if we get more serious and she’s decided I’d be someone she wants kids with, we could look at freezing eggs. But she doesn’t want to seriously discuss that yet as it’s too early

thing is, I could see this going that far if everything aligns. IF.

But I’m having a lot of anxiety that we will get that far. Then she can’t have them because she’s too old. Which would be a disaster because honestly I’d have to leave her. And I actually think I’d feel quite angry if we got that far and she hadn’t taken it seriously enough, and now I’m stuck having to break my own heart and hers to go after something else, in my early 30s. When I’d worry about dating.

im worried she isn’t taking this seriously enough. I don’t want to end up in an incredibly emotionally tough spot.

can anyone chat to me about this? This is a really hard position for me and I don’t know what’s true and what isn’t

It's been a few months. You don't even know her yet. Stop concening yourself with her eggs and get to know her. Talk about it when you've become someone worth talking about it with.

But you don’t think it’s a bit of a risk to not even properly discuss this early? I could end up in a really horrible position.

I think it's good you are taking this seriously now. There is also the strong possibility you'll reach that level of seriousness and she's just not that fussed on having kids full stop and doesn't want to. Normally by her age if she wants kids she's very aware of the biological implications of waiting, so my suspicion is that deep down she doesn't and is happy to let nature run its course. Personally I don't see this ending well, and you should probably cut your losses now as it sounds like you want different things in life.

See. This is where I get confused. This is the total opposite of what the other comment said.

i can’t end a relationship on suspicions.

You know there is such a thing as male gator infertility right? Even at a young age, you could be the problem. When you decide to have a child together, it might not work out and that is nobody’s fault. You’re a partnership and so you work through it together and don’t blame one another. If you aren’t mature enough to release that, you shouldn’t be dating anyone let alone thinking about kids.

I don’t actually think is a real post though but you never know these days, so on the off-chance it is - you’re a walking red flag.

She's not a baby making machine for you , have you ever considered that your sperm may already not be up for the job aged 29z I find your post quite ageist against women tbh
Age of the woman is only one factor. Also you don't know her and what's in her brain can't she make her own mind up about what she wants? Maybe you need to either leave now or just go with the flow

I agree. If this isn’t a reverse gender post, it’s too of your priority list so you should def talk about it before going further and as you say timing is very important to the health and wellbeing of the Mother and Baby. Good luck with talking more about this as it’s important to be transparent without getting too heavy too soon. Xx

Either you end it on suspicions, or you accept that you may not have children. Those are ultimately your choices.

By the way that's the same with any relationship. It just depends how strong the suspicions are. In this case, quite strong.

I was 36 when I met DH and he was 28. After about 4 months we knew we wanted to make a go of things, so had to have the children conversation earlier than you usually would. We were both on the same page, and I fell pregnant with DC1 15 months after we met. Had DC2 at 41.

it’s completely do-able, provided you both want the same thing within the next couple of years.

I think this is extremely harsh 😂😂

how is it a red flag to be considering my non negotiables and her age

Well this is the thing. It’s unlikely I want them in 15 months. I don’t even know where I’ll be living then. She’s okay never having them. So I’ve been put in a very tough position.

This isn't the first time you have posted on here about this, is it?

The thing is, whether or not to have children, and if so, which man to have them with, are the most important decisions a woman can make in her lifetime.

It's her health that will be affected by pregnancy and childbirth. Her career that will be affected by taking maternity leave and juggling life with young children. She's the one who could be stuck holding the baby - a baby she perhaps didn't even want that much - if you decide it's all too much hard work, or she's not the one after all.

You are placing too much value on her reproductive potential and not enough on her as a person.

If you really love her, you need to wait until she is ready and accept that some things in life are not totally within our control.

If having children is an absolute deal-breaker for you then you are better off ending the relationship and dating women ten years younger than her who are pretty sure they do want children in a few years' time.

Out of interest, if you got together with a 25 year old, got married, bought a house, started trying for a baby when she was 30 and then discovered that she was totally and incurably infertile, what would you do then?

Then you end the relationship. She's happy to never have kids. You're going to be mad if she can't have them. You're not suited.

Again. Very harsh. I’m literally here asking what the factors are and if she’s going to be too old because I DONT KNOW.

I want kids. Non negotiable. I don’t care who you are I want them. Not yet. But I will. If it turns out that my sperm doesn’t work that’s another thing. But if she gonna be too old before we even get there anyway?

im literally saying im ignorant to this stuff

no i dont know whats in her brain. Thats why I ask her and have to trust she isn’t lying. Seems she doesn’t know either. She doesn’t ask me anything about that stuff so why is she reading my mind?

This is why I’m asking about age and if I’m jumping too far ahead anwyay

I don’t know what I’d do in that situation.

i mean it’s been 3 months. I don’t love her enough to throw away kids yet. Or love her at all (I’m getting there but I don’t think I do yet. Just really care about and like her).

this is hard

No, you're not jumping ahead. People are being harsh here. By the time you want kids there's a very real chance her fertility will have fallen off a cliff. People do get pregnant at 40, but the chances are much lower and the chances of developmental issues hugely increases. I think you're just on different pages and that's ok. Just end it.

I don’t want to end it. That’s the issue

Not again. For the billionth time, break up with her. Get some therapy.

Well, your two options are: continue the relationship and accept that you may not be able to have kids, or end it and move on. It's really is that simple.

That’s a hard decision to make after 3 months

I think if you keep pestering her about kids there is a good chance she will end it herself.

I understand this. But at some point, and not too far off, she needs to make a decision. I don’t want to end up moving in with her, marrying her, then she says no.

No, it's not. It'll be harder the longer you fanny about fretting over the future.

100% this. Same thread over & over, shame he hasn’t spent the time in between seeking therapy as he was advised from the very first thread, could have avoided the further 10 threads on the same shit